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Original poster

Am I in the wrong?

31 replies

Mommycool24 · 01/03/2023 21:04

My partner started work today. I got up at 6am to see him out. He didn't come home until 5.30. Ive been home with our 3 children all day. When he gets home I get him to grab dinner on the way home and I paid for it. He explains he's tired, barely spoke whilst we ate and was almost falling asleep at the table. Didn't really acknowledge children, just said hello, that's it. As soon as he ate the food his friend rang and ask him to go with him to help him with something, he got straight up and went away for an hour, came back and went straight away again to another friends home for a shower. (our shower broken down yesterday) then when he was finished his shower he rang me and asked me was it alright for him to sit at his mates for roughly 45mins-1 hour to sit & have a smoke and talk shit. All I said back to him was that it would be nice to see him at some point this evening and spend some time together as I haven't seen him and he got annoyed at me and said I ruin his day every single day and he doesn't want to listen my shit. Its really upset me. It's just I've been on my own with 3 kids all day and bought us dinner and was looking forward to having some company as he'd be away at 6am in the morning again and I'd be alone all day tomorrow again and see no one until he's home. May I add one of our children has a tummy bug and is really unwell and ive been on my hands and knees scrubbing up vomit & diarrhoea all through the day. I feel very bogged down today. Am I in the wrong for getting annoyed at him?

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 01/03/2023 21:14

No you're not in the wrong. Don't doubt yourself.

Zanatdy · 01/03/2023 21:26

Not at all. Especially as your child is unwell too

Justmeandthedog1 · 01/03/2023 23:28

No, YANBU, he could have read bedtime stories, put kids to bed or taken over the d&v clean up. He was being very selfish.
Hope your lo is better tomorrow and you have a better day.

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/03/2023 23:34

No, he’s a selfish jerk.

Sorchamarie · 01/03/2023 23:55

Agree with everyone. You were not in the wrong here and unfortunately you have an incredibly selfish "partner" by the sounds of it. Think about how much time you get to hang out with friends on your own or go help a friend leaving all the family work to him. If it's massively uneven, then this should answer your question.

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 02/03/2023 07:03

It’s just one day. It wouldn’t bother me for one day, I guess I would sometimes want to go and chat with a friend after work and wouldn’t necessarily appreciate my DH asking me to come home. If it’s every day however and I felt that he was avoiding me or didn’t value me, that’s a different issue.

Aprilx · 02/03/2023 07:09

You have obviously chosen to be a SAHM, so I don’t understand why you are complaining about being with three children all day. If this is a one off, I think you are in the wrong, he is entitled to see a friend every now and again surely. If he is out every night, then that is a different matter but you haven’t said that.

Emmamoo89 · 02/03/2023 07:25

Yanbu x

SallyWD · 02/03/2023 07:25

I think it depends how frequently he does this. If he doesn't see his friends that often and he's usually at home in the evenings then I wouldn't have said anything. It's fine for people to see their friends. If he does this several times a week then yes, it's an issue!

CalistoNoSolo · 02/03/2023 08:00

You're a SAHM with three children, and you're not married to your partner, who treats you like shit. I think you need to get a job and some financial independence ASAP tbh.

Sellsellseller · 02/03/2023 08:05

I think you’re in the wrong. If you don’t want to spend the day being a sahm then get a job.
If his busy, his busy, I don’t see why he had to call and ask permission anyway!!

However if he does this all the time, that’s different.

Dontfeedtheseagulls · 02/03/2023 08:12

It was his first day.

He wanted to relax and process the emotions of the day and he found it easier to do that with friends.

You're conscious of wanting his emotional support but you don't mention the emotional support you offered him. First days are scary, stressful and exhausting.

If you want more human company in the day you should make that happen...it's not his fault if you don't socialise.

You're not wrong to be upset but I would counsel you to consider what you are doing to meet your own emotional needs, how you can support your husbands emotional needs and focus less on what he should be doing to support yours UNTIL you are making progress on the first two.

It must be hard with three small kids but so is work and he just wanted to relax and unwind after his first day and did check with you then felt pressured and obligated.

Original poster
Mommycool24 · 03/03/2023 20:13

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 02/03/2023 07:03

It’s just one day. It wouldn’t bother me for one day, I guess I would sometimes want to go and chat with a friend after work and wouldn’t necessarily appreciate my DH asking me to come home. If it’s every day however and I felt that he was avoiding me or didn’t value me, that’s a different issue.

The thing is though it's not just one day, even when he wasn't working he found every reason to be out. I felt really unthought of as I explained to him I felt exhausted. It's Friday now and he's done it every night since I out this post up. I'm still yet to see him now & he finished 4 hours ago. Didn't even come in for dinner and got annoyed because I rang him and said to him I'd like to see him tonight & so would his kids as it's now their bedtime & there still yet to even speak to him. All I got back was being screamed at and said "stop your f**king shit I don't want to listen to you"

OP posts:
TryingHard1990 · 03/03/2023 20:19

He sounds like an abusive arse hole. Does he bring anything to your life?

Original poster
Mommycool24 · 03/03/2023 20:21

Aprilx · 02/03/2023 07:09

You have obviously chosen to be a SAHM, so I don’t understand why you are complaining about being with three children all day. If this is a one off, I think you are in the wrong, he is entitled to see a friend every now and again surely. If he is out every night, then that is a different matter but you haven’t said that.

I'm not complaining that I'm at home with my kids. I'm upset that I was telling him how exhausted I was, I was up all the night before with my son who wasn't well, one of our children are also ADHD & is extremely hard work & he knows this and that same day The child was having a bad day where he played up a lot. I could see past it if it's just one day but it's not even when he wasn't working it's the same, any reason but to be in the house. It's got so bad I can't go anywhere and socialise with my friends unless they come to me as he's never here. Everyday from I posted this he's done it & I rang him there now and pointed out he finished near 5 hours ago and we are yet to see him and I got screamed at and he said "don't start your f**king shit, I don't wanna hear you" and hung up and turned off his phone: My kids are going to bed now and they still haven't seen him.

OP posts:
Runningonjammiedodgers · 03/03/2023 20:23

He doesn't seem very nice. Is he ever very nice?

Swearing and yelling at you is uncalled for. I think you need to have a honest chat with him about everything. Maybe he feels a lot of pressure being the sole breadwinner. Maybe he is just a cunt. Either way neither of you seems very happy and I don't think it's sustainable in the long baby run.

Original poster
Mommycool24 · 03/03/2023 20:23

SallyWD · 02/03/2023 07:25

I think it depends how frequently he does this. If he doesn't see his friends that often and he's usually at home in the evenings then I wouldn't have said anything. It's fine for people to see their friends. If he does this several times a week then yes, it's an issue!

It's everyday, even when he wasn't working. It's my kids bedtime now & we still haven't seen his face and I rang saying this and I got screamed at then he hung up the phone and he tired his phone off.Sad

OP posts:
category12 · 03/03/2023 20:25

Maybe you'd be better off without him.

Original poster
Mommycool24 · 03/03/2023 20:28

Sellsellseller · 02/03/2023 08:05

I think you’re in the wrong. If you don’t want to spend the day being a sahm then get a job.
If his busy, his busy, I don’t see why he had to call and ask permission anyway!!

However if he does this all the time, that’s different.

I'm not complaining that I'm a SAHM. My child wasn't well and I was up all the night before & im exhausted. One of my children is special needs and I was having an extremely difficult day with them & I told him this. He rang and asked because he knew how hard of a day I was having but even though I basically said no he still sat on anyway. He does it all the time where he's away all day even when he wasn't working, any reason but to be in the house. He's also done it everyday from I posted this. He finished work 5 hours ago & we still haven't seen him. My kids are going to bed now and they haven't even seen him. I rang him there now and I got screamed at and he hung the phone up and he switched it off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mommycool24 · 03/03/2023 20:36

Dontfeedtheseagulls · 02/03/2023 08:12

It was his first day.

He wanted to relax and process the emotions of the day and he found it easier to do that with friends.

You're conscious of wanting his emotional support but you don't mention the emotional support you offered him. First days are scary, stressful and exhausting.

If you want more human company in the day you should make that happen...it's not his fault if you don't socialise.

You're not wrong to be upset but I would counsel you to consider what you are doing to meet your own emotional needs, how you can support your husbands emotional needs and focus less on what he should be doing to support yours UNTIL you are making progress on the first two.

It must be hard with three small kids but so is work and he just wanted to relax and unwind after his first day and did check with you then felt pressured and obligated.

Thanks for the advice. A little more background on it, I suffer PND & one of my children are ADHD. The day I posted I was having an extremely bad day with said child, he was on an absolute rampage. I was up all the night before with my other child who was sick and I was exhausted & vocalised this to him - Hence why he rang and asked me ( Even though I basically said no to it he sat in anyway and didn't come home for about 2 hours)It wasn't A one of, even when he wasn't working he found any reason but to be at home with us and from I posted this he's done it every night since. He finished work 5 hours ago and im still yet to see him. My children are going to bed now and they haven't saw their daddy. I rang him there now and said this and I got screamed at and he said "don't start your f**king shit, I don't want to hear you" then hung up and switched his phone off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mommycool24 · 03/03/2023 20:38

TryingHard1990 · 03/03/2023 20:19

He sounds like an abusive arse hole. Does he bring anything to your life?

Not recently to be honest. He's been really horrible and acting weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mommycool24 · 03/03/2023 20:42

Runningonjammiedodgers · 03/03/2023 20:23

He doesn't seem very nice. Is he ever very nice?

Swearing and yelling at you is uncalled for. I think you need to have a honest chat with him about everything. Maybe he feels a lot of pressure being the sole breadwinner. Maybe he is just a cunt. Either way neither of you seems very happy and I don't think it's sustainable in the long baby run.

Not recently.

I had a chat with him the other day about how he speaks to me, especially name calling and he apologised & said that would be the last time ever that he calls me a name, but he didn't even last an hour and has just went back to doing it again. I'm feeling really stuck at the moment. I just feel like he doesn't want to be near me, I tell him I want to spend time (which I think is seriously needed) and he gets angry at it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mommycool24 · 03/03/2023 20:42

category12 · 03/03/2023 20:25

Maybe you'd be better off without him.

I'm starting to think this also. I feel like an inconvenience.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2023 20:46

He’s behaving like a single man, not one with a partner and 3 children.

What would life look like if you split up? Have you thought about it? How old are your children?

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 03/03/2023 22:29

So the issue is much bigger than your original post. I’m sorry, this sounds horrendous and completely unacceptable. Time to make a plan.

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