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Original poster

Should she be told?

58 replies

Cushionnn · 01/03/2023 19:47

Long-time user but different account for this.

I'm sure you can guess from the title. Someone's husband has had an affair. Does the wife deserve to know? Two young kids. Can provide evidence. But affair wasn't particularly "involved", is now definitely over and he would be devastated if she found out.

OP posts:
Tilllly · 01/03/2023 22:31

FishandChipsarelife · 01/03/2023 20:47

It depends on your motivation for telling her.

This

Odiebay · 01/03/2023 22:35

Yes please tell her. Her health could be at risk from STDs etc. She deserves to make an informed decision. Doesn't matter on what your motivation is. I was her in this situation and I'm so glad I was told.

Yulelogs · 01/03/2023 22:36

What’s the situation? How did you end up with him? Do you still see him? Is it a work affair?

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 01/03/2023 22:42

Tell her, what if she wants to have another kid with him or gets an STI.

Purpleberet · 01/03/2023 23:05

The thing is, if someone would rather not know and you tell them, they can always choose not to believe what they are told.

The person who would rather know, and you don’t tell them, they are not getting the choice and may be unknowingly living a lie.
You don’t know which camp the person falls into. I can’t quite articulate this very well, but if the person would rather know then the consequences of knowing vs not knowing arguably hold more weight for that person, iyswim. So I would lean towards telling them.

Also you have to live with the decision you make so maybe it’s best to go based on what you would prefer if you were in their position. At least then you’ve been true to yourself.

username1722 · 01/03/2023 23:09

Tell her 100%. I will never understand why people say to stay out of it.

She deserves to be given the right to make a choice, given the evidence. If my partner had cheated, I would want to know about it. I honestly couldn't care less what the motivation was for telling me, that's irrelevant. I would just want to know.

She may already have suspicions and he's gaslighting her. Or she may be living in bliss, living a lie.

Please please please just tell her. What she does with that information is for her to decide.

Johnisafckface · 01/03/2023 23:29

I wouldn’t care about the motivation I would want to know.

Lavender14 · 01/03/2023 23:31

Tell her. He could have given her a sti and affected her health without her knowing and god knows what else. Just give her the info and the evidence and let her alone to make up her own mind as to what to do with it. And if you're the other woman don't do it out of spite or because you think he'll come running to you then. Avoid him like the plague.

ClairDeLaLune · 02/03/2023 00:00

Are you the OW? Or the OW’s DP? What is your motivation for telling her? If you do tell her, please don’t do it anonymously. It’s really cowardly and would completely mess with her head.

OldFan · 02/03/2023 00:20

I think she should know what's going on in her own life @Cushionnn .

quietnightmare · 02/03/2023 00:28

Tell

I would want to know

xprincessxjanetx · 02/03/2023 01:20

Tell her. I would want to know, especially as most cheaters who get away with it go on to have a repeat offence.

WandaWonder · 02/03/2023 01:35

If you tell be prepared for 'you're jealous of us, you are to blame, will ignore it because of love'

So if you do it to help them sure but if it is so you feel releived not sure that would work

Emptycrackedcup · 02/03/2023 01:42

It's over. Mind your own business

Moser85 · 02/03/2023 02:17

But the consensus seems to be to keep quiet!

No it's not. Tell her. She definitely deserves to know and then she can make up her own mind.

Mari9999 · 02/03/2023 02:47

If concern for her well-being were your motivator ,you would not have become involved with the man at all. Now that it is over, and you are no longer with him, you all of a sudden have this reawakening of conscience?

You have had your fun,and now you want to bring additional misery into his home.

You have no idea if this woman would want to know this information. You have no idea whether he has told her ,in which case you probably would have no interest in hearing from you. Because you do not know the best thing is to stay out of it.

If you wish to fix something, better to fix yourself . You probably want to punish him more than you want to help her

If you need to confess or tell someone find a priest or rabbi and confess to them.

Pubesofsoberness · 02/03/2023 02:55

I'd want to know

NextToTheRadio · 02/03/2023 03:02

I'd always want to know, even if the reason was revenge. The (one of the) worst feelings about being cheated on is knowing that other people knew.

I'd tell her.

snitzelvoncrumb · 02/03/2023 03:23

If you are absolutely certain it’s true, then tell her. She deserves to know. I would do this anonymously as you will be blamed.
if he cheated once, he will probably do it again. She needs to have the opportunity to start planning for a future without him if he leaves her.

barmycatmum · 02/03/2023 05:35

Yes, please tell her. He deserves to be devastated.
She deserves the truth, and to be able to make informed decisions about how she spends her life.

Andypandy799 · 02/03/2023 05:38

@Cushionnn did you know he was in a relationship when you had your fling?

rainbowstardrops · 02/03/2023 08:21

So are you the person he cheated with? Or is it too early and I haven't had caffeine yet?!

Pseudonamed · 02/03/2023 08:30

rainbowstardrops · 02/03/2023 08:21

So are you the person he cheated with? Or is it too early and I haven't had caffeine yet?!

I think this is the partner of the person he cheated with. That is what I get from the OPs posts anyway.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 02/03/2023 08:35

Mari9999 · 02/03/2023 02:47

If concern for her well-being were your motivator ,you would not have become involved with the man at all. Now that it is over, and you are no longer with him, you all of a sudden have this reawakening of conscience?

You have had your fun,and now you want to bring additional misery into his home.

You have no idea if this woman would want to know this information. You have no idea whether he has told her ,in which case you probably would have no interest in hearing from you. Because you do not know the best thing is to stay out of it.

If you wish to fix something, better to fix yourself . You probably want to punish him more than you want to help her

If you need to confess or tell someone find a priest or rabbi and confess to them.

I agree. I’m always torn with this question, knee jerk reaction is tell her, she deserves to know. But these things are rarely black and white, I’m not for a second saying affairs are ok, far from it, but no one knows what goes on in a relationship, a “wronged wife” could be well aware of what’s going on, but chooses to live and deal with it for whatever reason, you just don’t know.

Stitchesremoved22 · 02/03/2023 10:47

I wouldn't get involved.
You don't know how people will react, possibly violently from either partner. You don't know what other people's relationships are like.
What if the wife killed herself or something like that. Its not your responsibility or marriage or problem.
Focus on your own life.