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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Depressed husband says he wants to end our relationship

26 replies

Louise1051 · 01/03/2023 19:46

My husband has suffered from depression for a while, but these last few days he has been having an episode, I have never seen him this bad.

I got angry at him yesterday as he wasn’t going to see a doctor and it’s hard to watch someone suffer and not help themselves.

Now he says he doesn’t love me and we are over. He says he needs someone more compassionate and understanding, this is hard to hear as whilst I got angry yesterday I’m normally really sympathetic. I thought it was in the heat of the moment but no, he says it’s over and has been so cruel and cold towards me. He is my husband, we have just bought our dream house and I’m having a much longed for baby.

What do I do? Do I beg him to change his mind, do I have more self respect and walk out show him that while he can have depression he can’t mistreat me. I feel like I’m in a whirlwind and literally three days ago we are excited and making plans for the baby’s nursary and now everything is over.

OP posts:

Maray1967 · 01/03/2023 19:51

He’s very much in the wrong here. It isn’t acceptable in my view to refuse to speak to a Dr and put all the pressure on your spouse - especially a pregnant wife.
You need to put yourself first now. Do you have anyone you can stay with for a few days if he doesn’t improve his behaviour towards you? Have you told family members?

frozendaisy · 01/03/2023 19:57

All about what he needs. So he isn't even saying he needs to sort himself out just that he needs someone different to do it.

What do you need OP?

Did you tell him that.

That you could do with a husband that shows some desire to be a husband and father to be.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/03/2023 19:58

Is there somewhere he can go for at least a few days? Sounds like you both need some space. When’s the baby due?

JosieHetty · 01/03/2023 19:59

You also need someone compassionate and understanding.
Was this the first time he has said anything as extreme? Is he just looking for an escape?

CarolineHelston · 01/03/2023 20:01

It sounds as if he is panicking about commitment and responsibility.

Suggest he goes away as he is the one saying it is over? Though obviously he needs to keep making mortgage payments etc.

If he won't go, then I suggest you go and stay with friends or family.

If he won't go for counselling and/or to a GP, I'd definitely be asking myself whether life as a single parent would be easier.

It sounds very tough.

Quitelikeit · 01/03/2023 20:04

Is he on medication? Because if he isn’t then you need to tell him you will not consider he is speaking rationally until he has seen someone regarding his mental health

If he has seen the Dr and is in medication then it clearly isn’t working so he still needs to see the Gp

Does he work? Who pays the bills?

Thepossibility · 01/03/2023 20:17

Well I wouldn't let it slide because he doesn't sound like he is going to be the stable an reliable father your baby deserves in this state.
He would need to do some serious work on himself and a lot of grovelling to come back from this for me.
How dare he do this so his pregnant partner?!

Original poster

Louise1051 · 01/03/2023 20:25

I’m only 11 weeks, and we had been trying for years with many miscarriages. The stress of this is freaking me out. He was thrilled when we saw the baby’s heartbeat so I don’t think it’s commitment.

I can go to my mums for a few days but my dad has cancer and I really don’t want to put any worries on them at this time. Part of me is worried my mum will rip him apart and it would just make things 100 times worse.

OP posts:

Fmlgirl · 01/03/2023 21:53

I’m so sorry OP. I’m also pregnant which is an extremely daunting time and for you to have this additional stress is just so unnecessary. It should be a happy time for you both.

I would also not play the pick me dance. I would just leave him to his own devices, if like other posters have said, you could get some space from each other, I would recommend that.

I think he should be the one to leave and go stay with family/friends. It’s also his responsibility to apologise and or seek help though.

ClimbingRoseBush · 01/03/2023 21:57

Is there anywhere he can go for a few days? You must both be feeling under huge strain with a pregnancy after many miscarriages and it sounds like he is only centering himself.

Theunamedcat · 01/03/2023 21:57

He needs to go you can't deal.with him like this and he won't get help

Wolfiefan · 01/03/2023 21:59

Who diagnosed the depression and what treatment has he had?

LoHD · 01/03/2023 22:02

I’ve been in your situation
Concentrate on you and the baby for a few days make plans with friends or family so your still there for him and you haven’t left him but your doing you. He will calm down and then you can say you want to move forward but only if he gets the help. Depressed people feel they aren’t worth love at times and so your quite correct reaction plays into that and gives the reason to end things in that they are doing you a favour in their head even if that not what he’s saying

Original poster

Louise1051 · 01/03/2023 22:12

Thank you all for your messages, it’s really helped.

@Wolfiefan self diagnosis with no treatment. I was hoping to get him to a doctor as he really needs one but that’s the fight that triggered this.

@Fmlgirl congratulations on your pregnancy. It is nerve wracking especially after miscarriages - feel like I’m just waiting on something going wrong.

I’ve opened up to my mum and going up there for a few nights - feel like a kid going to my mum for her to take care of me. I don’t want to leave my home as it’s every bit mine but for my emotional well being at this time I think it’s best.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 02/03/2023 07:38

So he just says he’s depressed but kicks off when you suggest going to a doctor?? Maybe he isn’t and knows a GP will see right through his excuse for his bad behaviour?

NurseCranesRolodex · 02/03/2023 07:46

Sounds like he is struggling to cope with the responsibility and increasing pressure. I know it's very draining but I'd insist he seeks urgent help to access interim medication to take the edge off and prevent the episode escalating to something more dangerous. Yes, he needs to take responsibility for his own MH but he's not capable of doing that.

Can you access support for yourself and get some headspace.

Naunet · 02/03/2023 08:20

Right so no diagnosis, no intention to go to a doctor, but happy to take it out on you? He’s an arsehole. Why did you ever think he’d make a good father when he doesn’t even look after himself?

Choconut · 02/03/2023 09:45

What he wants is a pity party. Selfish and pathetic.

Why are you leaving your house? If he doesn't want to be in the relationship any more then he needs to find somewhere else to feel sorry for himself. I have no time for people who won't do anything to help themselves. I'm sorry he's left you in this position. What an arse.

elm26 · 02/03/2023 09:54

I was your DH 2 years ago. Been with my DH since we were teenagers now 30. I've had a really long history of depression and anxiety due to a tough upbringing and sexual abuse as a child.

The difference is, I've always taken meds for this.

We had 13 miscarriages and the last one broke me. I didn't want to be with him. Didn't want to be in our house. I didn't tell him but I pushed him away instead and then he left.

Once he left, I had a mental breakdown and ended up in a psychiatric hospital for 7 weeks.

It was only when I got intense therapy, help and a change of meds that I began to see clearly again.

I've put my wrongs right, we've been to marriage counselling, I don't push him away anymore, we have the best relationship we've ever had for the past year and I'm now 28 weeks pregnant.

I'm so sorry OP, I can't imagine how hard it is to be on the other side of it and especially pregnant and after miscarriages, I know that pain and I truly send all my love to you.

I'm not excusing his behaviour, but maybe this is a cry for help on the highest level and it involves you suffering which isn't fair.

If he won't get help, you have to walk for your own sanity, only when the depression fog lifted did I realise what a dogs life my DH had, his needs completely ignored, nobody to support him, you sound like you're in this position too.

You're more than welcome to private message me.

Sending love to you and all the luck in the world for your little one. Do what's right for you. You have to put yourself and baby first xxx

SVRT19674 · 02/03/2023 10:11

My husband started his depression and anxiety when I got pregnant. He did seek help but it was unresponsive to antidepressants. Four years later he is coming off them as a waste of time. Both his psychiatrist and psychologist consider he is very immature and it was having to assume responsibilities that created this cognitive dissonance. He wanted a family and when he was getting it couldn´t deal with it. I have done 98% of the work, and I am being generous. It has felt that I had two babies. Sorry mate, the little one comes first.

Kittlbua · 02/03/2023 10:48

How does the depression manifest itself?
Is he depressed all the time or does he depressive episodes with correspond with certain events in life?
I'm afraid I'm very skeptical about people claiming to have depression who then won't go to a doctor as I had serious problems with an ex who was ok most of the time but depressed as soon as I asked him to look for work or to do more around the house. He also did similar things to yours like storming and out and saying the relationship was over when I insisted he see a doctor (which he wouldn't).

But, having said that, he might be genuinely suffering and it may be issues with the coming responsibility of the baby. However, you re not a doctor or psychologist (well you might be, but you aren't his) and it isn't up to you to "heal" him. If his depressive behaviour is causing you problems and he won't tackle it then some time apart would be advisable as a first step. That might wake him up to the reality of the situation and that he does need to get help.

Original poster

Louise1051 · 02/03/2023 12:32

Hello,

sorry for slow reply, working today.

He says he suffers from depression but he has episodes, 90% of the time he is a kind, loving and functioning person. We have been together 12 years and I’ve never seen him as bad as this so I do believe that he is suffering.

@Choconut im not leaving my house long term, I contributed the lion share of money to it and I am not walking out on an asset. Me and the Baby need a home so agree that if he wants to split he can go.

i’d love to be confident enough to call his bluff but right now the fear of raising a baby on my own is consuming. For my own sanity I just need to step away but at the same time you make vows in sickness and health and depression is a sickness. Part of me questions if leaving for a few nights is the right thing to do.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 02/03/2023 13:04

Honestly episodes makes it sound like he’s claiming depression when it suits him. I’ve had depression. Anxiety may ebb and flow but when I’m seriously depressed I’m not ok 90 per cent of the time.
You need to get your ducks in a row re the house and finances. And you need to be prepared to do it alone if you need to. Put you and your baby first.

Kittlbua · 02/03/2023 13:21

What triggered the latest episode?

Original poster

Louise1051 · 02/03/2023 14:06

Before this i’d have agreed that he is claiming depression when it suits him but he is a totally different person just now. One day he was fine, we had dinner, watched a bit of TV and went to bed - no argument nothing. Next day couldn’t get out of bed and his mood had totally changed.

OP posts:

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