DH’s crisis of masculinity

[Ujustcan031289]

Trying to get a better understanding of my DH’s outlook. I really don’t want any brash LTB comments because our relationship is generally good.

We’ve been together 10 years and I’ve always been the higher earner. Sometimes much higher sometimes only slightly. My job has more career progression and I have worked hard to climb up. DH is more limited, it’s construction sector and depends on seasons, he dips in and out of sole trader and contracted worker so it varies.

It is something he has only brought up over the past couple of years that he can feel emasculated that I earn more. That he is the man and he should be the main provider for the family. In a conversation over dinner tonight he’s stated that men aren’t happy unless they are providing for a family. I said he does provide for his family and works very hard and the fact my job happens to pay more is no reflection on him. Would he be happier to have a housewife and us have less money coming in and less of a comfortable life? No he said.

so I don’t know what the issue is or where this comes from. I used to think he was proud of me, he used to like telling people what I do and that I’m good at my job. Similarly I am proud of him and tell people so. He used to be my biggest cheerleader but now he seems to see my career has some insult to his ‘masculinity’.

He also sees himself as the ‘protector’ of the household. And has bared grudges against my DD17 having a boyfriend in the house like it’s some sort of threat. And when our car was vandalised in the street a little while back (and we knew who it was) he felt his role as ‘protector’ was undermined as I insisted we dealt with it through the right channels rather than the ways he wanted to which were illegal.

I have one DD who lives with us and he has 50/50 care of his 2 DDs. There are a lot of women around, is that it? Is there not enough testosterone in our house? He’s great with the girls he does all manner activities from letting them paint his nails and make perfumes to teaching them to fish and play football. He’s really strong on education for them and doing well at school and have careers so I just don’t know where it comes from.

to be honest I find it hard not to find it all a bit pathetic but I love this man very much and so I try where I can to respect how he feels. But I can’t see a solution to it or how things could be different.

I have considered whether he is having some sort of mental health crisis. Another factor is that he does now work with very, what I would call, ‘blokey blokes’ and the whether that’s an influence.

it makes me sad that he seems to take issue with something I am proud of. I was a very young Mum and a single mum for a long time and I worked hard to be independent and provide for me and my DD. It was at times very tough and its a big part of who I am, he knows that. I used to think it was one of the things he loved about me 😞

Sorry that’s long, but I don’t have many people I could let that out to in IRL and would be interested in thoughts or others experiences

He’s on a slippery slope.

Oh for the love of god, he’s a misogynist and you’re fretting how to pander to it to make him feel better? If men can only feel good when they can feel superior to women, then that’s their problem. Or you can start transferring all of your money to him so he can play pretend he earned it, and be a more submissive, dim and coy woman for the sake of his pathetic ego, so that he can feel more manly at your expense.

He should be fucking grateful you make a good wage.

He is a dick plain and simple. Main provider and testosterone bullshit. My wife earns more than me and I think it is great and couldn't be prouder of her.

Gross. Or you could play him at his own game, start telling him how unfeminine you feel because you have to work and provide for your family, which is a man’s role and how sad it makes you. Would he massage your ego a bit and tell you how important you are?

I would have no patience for this nonsense.

Poor, little fragile man struggle with a successful woman and expects his partner to validate him and join in the delusion that this what men naturally feel when faced with women's achievements.

It is choice to feel inadequate, you should not have to question yourself and dim your light so that his bruised ego can get a boost.

It is pathetic, annoying and a complete waste of your time and energy. A supportive partner would be proud of you and do a better job of becoming more successful himself if he wants to match your earnings. Not whine about it...

this

I outearned my OH for half our relationship by earning probably double what he did. I had a final salary pension which for the 7 years I paid into it, matches the whole of his 40 years pensions. We are now at mid 50s and could afford to take early retirement.

I have never, ever, had these vibes off him. None of his friends ever knew what either of us earned and we got stunned phone calls saying 'I knew you were saying you were buying a house in France and retiring but I didn't think you actually would or even could'.

I'd pay some mind to who he is telling about this or what he is watching.

I have no patience with the concept of 'emasculation'. None. Glad to see you don't seem likely to be taking any crap OP. Don't let it take up your valuable headspace. It's you DH that should be reflecting on his pathetic attitude.

Apart from that, OP, I suspect it's a toxic combination of 3 things:

• New blokey blokes
• Some online MRA or similar reading (possibly prompted by blokey blokes)
• Mid life crisis

Yet another reason why Iive alone. I've always earned more than the men I've been with. Husband number one was always whingeing about the housework not being done to "his standard" because I worked long hours and trying to scupper my career. Husband 2 took the opportunity not to work znd sponge off me for 20 years.
I've become sick of trying to manage their egos and expectations so I dumped them all.
It's lovely and peaceful living without a man.

Basic fact is men don't want equality. They want us to be subservient to them and have realised we don't actually need them any more.

Bang on.

Have you tried talking to him about how he'd feel if one of his daughters was married to someone expressing similar sentiments?

God what a dick op, and an unambitious one at that. If he wants to be the main provider then he needs to earn more, not you earn less. So he needs to get his finger out his arse and come up with a solid plan to achieve it. Not whinge like a little boy to you and want you to earn less.

and as for the car. Words fail me.

If his problem is the bloky blokes he works with, suggest to him that he start boasting about how he's managed to attract, marry and stay with such a fantastic woman as you - and how he feels sorry for men who get stuck with women who can't achieve what you have. I know it's pathetic, but if it gets him out of this mindset maybe it's worth a go.

A lot of men where I live are like this, and it's put me off romantic relationships sadly.

It seems to be a new (and unwelcome) development in your relationship, it suggests he is going through an evaluation of his own life, and it’s falling short of his expectations. Maybe he hasn’t achieved all that he hoped to, and is disappointed. It might be worth asking him. Other people experience this and often retrain, take on a degree, change careers etc he can increase his self esteem and self worth by taking action.

Instead it seems he is comparing himself to you and feeling the need to diminish you - to bring you down to his perceived level.

You are right to be alarmed. Other couples I have seen this happen to have experienced lots of male resentment, anger and arguments, as it usually boils over into other areas as he ‘picks’ on unrelated issues as a way to communicate his overall dissatisfaction (with himself, but it’s deflected elsewhere)

Instead of taking a long hard look at himself and accepting his perceived shortcomings, he is deflecting it on to you. I would nip it immediately in the bud. Suggest counselling and therapy to talk it through.

Restate your own life of difficulties and challenges, reminding him how much your work means to you and the family. Don’t become ‘less than’ to suit his bruised ego. Don’t become small. Stand tall, firm and forthright. He needs to rise to the challenge and raise the bar, and not allow himself to sink into bitterness and recriminations.

A mid life crisis can bring about divorce and division, but he can fix it, only him, not you. Time to be kind but firm. Asking him what he plans to do to address his negative feelings is a good start.

This is not, and has never been about you.
He sounds disaffected and disappointed in himself.

Almost certainly it's coming from the questions the blokey blokes are asking him. They're making him doubt himself which is a shame for you both. He sounds like a decent man from what else you wrote about him.

I’d say the issue is a mix between the people he us working with and his internet read/search.
Unfortunately many people seem to fall down some rabbit holes and loose any common sense in the process too.

im not sure what you can do apart from what you are already doing - pointing out the reality around him.
Keep talking about his dds and tte challenges they are facing etc…
If she says he is feeling emasculated, just tell him that you understand he’d like to earn more (don’t mention your wage) and ask him if he has an idea on how to do that.
The bf stuff might just be ‘normal’ parent/father reaction at seeing their dd grow up. Again challenge that on that ground, not the ‘I am the protector jf tha family’ crap.

Fwiw I have a major issue with the idea that men have lost so much with the way society has evolved. They’ve only lost if you decide to hold tight to the way things were done as some sort of golden era. Whereas they’ve gained as well. MH in men is much more recognised, there is a clear move away from the macho attitude that means men aren’t supposed to have feelings. Men are more involved in family time which means they are closer to their dcs as a result etc…. Women working means that financial responsibility is shared rather than all on their shoulders etc….
And your DH KNOWS THAT because he has first hand experience if all of it.

He can be proud of you and what you have achieve, and also feel like he isn't doing enough to be a provider.

Men haven’t ‘lost their way’, they are simply adjusting to sharing the space on the stage. Some are faring better than others.

I have one DD who lives with us and he has 50/50 care of his 2 DDs. There are a lot of women around, is that it? Is there not enough testosterone in our house?
Stop putting so much credence into this notion of a crisis of masculinity.
The more you pander to it, the larger the concept will become, & it's bullshit.
He used to be proud of your career, he can be so again. Tell him it hurts & dismays you that he's no longer your career cheerleader.
Men & women aren't so very different - it's mainly societal constructs that tell us so.

I'm sure you've also told him time & again that it's not about the exact £££ anybody brings home, it's about the effort put into earning it, the will to spend it on promoting happy family life, & how each of your supports the other. With money AND non-material aspects.

He’s great with the girls he does all manner activities from letting them paint his nails and make perfumes to teaching them to fish and play football. He’s really strong on education for them and doing well at school and have careers so I just don’t know where it comes from.
Site banter, I imagine.
Because the above sounds like a guy who is really comfortable with his masculinity. It paints a genuinely lovely picture of him, an absolute prize of a gent. Tell him so!
All you can do is keep pointing out the rational to him. He wants all your daughters to do well, he wants you to do well, & he doesn't need to be some kind of "head of household" determined by who earns what.

I did do some reading on how men have effectively been left behind whilst society has progressed quickly in the scheme of things compared to traditional roles over thousands of years and I can definitely understand that as a bigger picture

Having a small minority of women catching up with you IS NOT THE SAME THING as being left behind.

Sounds like he’s getting peer pressure from the Blokey blokes who seem to me more “manly” because they provide for their family with a construction salary, get to have control over their wife, eat canned beans for dinner and get government help for the children. Me thinks he need to become a more independent thinker and refresh his views on “what a man is supposed to be”.

If that's how he feels then he needs to figure out how to earn more not tell you to earn less...

Like I'm sorry but if he thinks being the higher earner is what makes a man then surely it's he who has failed to do so not you pipping him to the post?

Unless he thinks he's owed masculinity rather Han having to earn its