Let ex partner rope me into an argument again and I’m furious with myself for it

[Livingsimply]

Me and my ex partner coparent our child. I’ve got long Covid and I’ve been really run down and unwell this week so asked ex if he could come and take DD out for a bit today so I can try to rest and get some cleaning done (DD hates going to his house, sobs and begs not to go every time I take her so I avoid sending her where I can). I was cleaning when he arrived so they went messing with playdoh together in her room. Ex started making weird annoying sounds like dinosaur screeches, mr bean imitations, bursting into loud obnoxious singing, putting songs on he knows me and DD hate, saying things he knew would wind us up over and over again, not to entertain DD but because he has ADHD and when it ‘flares up’ he feels the need to annoy people and start arguments. I ignored it for a while and kept prompting him to leave for the park, he blanked me and kept saying things to try to wind me up so I left him to it and made DD some lunch to take with her. Ex followed me into the kitchen singing obnoxiously loudly so I took a deep breath and said ‘I’m sorry but I’m really unwell today and can’t deal with this at the moment. I don’t have any energy to argue about anything so can you please stop actively trying to annoy me. Go have a nice day with DD, she loves the park’. He gave me a filthy look and said ‘What the fuck are you on about? Right that’s fucking it I’m never ever coming here again I can’t believe I’m not even allowed to sing I’m fucking sick of you I hate you!!. I calmly told him that I didn’t have the energy for this, sorry, then I turned back to the packed lunch while he stormed about throwing his things about and sulking and muttering about me. I passed him DDs lunch and he pretended he couldn’t see me, I said please don’t be so rude in front of DD so he snatched it without looking at me. I waved DD off then went up to bed to rest for a bit, but they were back home within half an hour. I was feeling dreadful by this point and told him so, he just said right DD we’re going to mine. She burst into tears and I asked him to please stop causing problems, I was way too ill to deal with it right now and it’s not fair in DD. He flew into a rage and started telling me that it was all my fault, he was in a great mood and it’s the first time he’d felt happy in days but I had to go and ruin it and drag him down and control him when all he did was sing a bit but nobody is allowed to have any fun when I’m around. I’d had enough and took the bait at this point🤦‍♀️ so argued back that it wasn’t just singing, it was the weird noises and windup comments that he always starts with when his mental health gets bad. He denied ever making any noises and just kept saying ‘go on then, what were they? Go on then go on then, make the noises I bet you can’t even think of any!’. I told him they weren’t noises I could make, it was like random whoops and screeches and shouts and animal noises that he’d been doing but he flat out denied it and told me that I was making stuff up to cause an argument and ruin the day. I said do NOT blame your mental health problems on me. You’re the one with the issue, stop trying to pretend that I’ve caused any of this and please just leave. He swore and ranted some more while putting his shoes on about how I’m so miserable and a killjoy and ruining his life and I’ve ruined the day for everyone and I always do this and we’d never see him again and I’m such an awful person, then eventually stormed off and slammed the door.

I’ve been left alone to look after DD when I’m really unwell, DD is really upset that he’d been shouting and I feel like bursting into tears myself, there’s so much stress and tension in my body now. I know that he’s projecting his issues onto me and I know that none of what he says is true but he’s really gotten under my skin and left me feeling awful about myself like it’s all my fault and I’m a really unlikeable person. I’m close to cutting him off completely but I don’t have any other help at all with DD and he’s ‘only’ like this about 20% of the time.

Not sure why I’m posting, I’m just so angry that I let him get to me again! I’ve been doing SO well with ignoring him and telling myself that he’s the one with problems not me, I was just feeling really vulnerable today and I have nobody irl for emotional support.

"not to entertain DD but because he has ADHD and when it ‘flares up’ he feels the need to annoy people and start arguments."

That is not ADHD, that's what's called being a twat.

He sounds like a man child who needs to grow up.

If he acts like a child, treat him like a child...it's the only way.

I’m more interested in why the child is crying at the prospect of being home alone with him but not in public. THAT is far more disturbing than animal noises. What happens in this his “home” to make her cry?

Hindsight is a marvellous thing, & tells me that you'd have felt MUCH more rested if you'd just soldiered through & not contacted your ex for help.

But now you know. So don't do it again.

He is still abusing you - this is post-separation abuse, & you don't need to tolerate it.
Never mind his stupid outburst about not visiting you again - from now on, this very moment, he is banned from entering your home. It is your & DD's safe space, & he should not be putting a foot over the threshold.

Next, get co-parenting software & do not communicate with him on any other medium. My Family Wizard is well-recommended. It gives you more control & peace, as you only need log onto it when YOU choose to, so you won't keep seeing his name pop up on your devices. It also logs all messages with a timestamp, useful if you ever need to go legal over access,m highly useful if he abuses you, or is unreasonable, via message.

Do not engage in any messaging with him except for childcare arrangements. keep all your own comms factual, reasonable, & polite, Let him make a prat of himself in text if that's what he's like - but never respond in kind.

How old is DD? It's worrying that she d=cires at the prospect of being taken to his house, Have you any idea why this is? What concerns do you have? Can you raise these through a lawyer, with a view to family court to assess the problem? If DD is really upset, you might even want to engage social services to talk with her & find out what's happening.

It’s smelly and dirty and he probably sits on his computer the whole time instead of playing. He refuses to take her out anywhere because he can’t be assed, apart from when he makes her walk a long way to the supermarket and back because he can’t plan far ahead enough to buy food in before she gets there. She misses me a lot too, hates being away from home.

I'm going to be harsh.

You are expecting him to behave well, when you know he doesn't.

No matter how Ill you are, no matter who he is, he makes life worse not better for both you and DD.

Stop getting him involved. Make life easier by avoiding him.

I can’t ‘soldier through’, that causes post exertional malaise which means I’d be bedbound for days afterwards and just get sicker and sicker. I physically can’t care for DD on my own full time, I’m incredibly resilient but long Covid is a real, disabling illness that can’t be pushed through. I’d love to cut him off completely but that would mean DD spending more time at his house which is damaging for her so I’m pretty stuck in that respect, just fuming that I let him get to me when I know what he can be like.

That’s like insisting a paraplegic go for a run, it is physically not possible for me. If I followed your advice my DD would probably be taken into care for neglect on the days where I physically cannot feed her, bath her or take her into school. It’s not as simple as just ‘oh just get on with it and don’t talk to him again, you’re life will be loads easier’.

“Probably”? How much effort have you made to find out what’s going on… in my experience most children aren’t as fussed about mess dirt or organisation, certainly not to the point of tears at the mention.

It doesn’t sound like abuse has crossed your mind, and safe it should, safe guarding is possibly the most important part of parenting.

Yes, probably. As in he insists that he doesn’t use his computer at all when she’s there but every single time I FaceTime her he’s sat using his computer and she’s sat alone playing on her tablet. Being lazy, petulant and immature doesn’t make somebody an abuser.

What makes you think you can Co parent?
You can't.
He is a twat.
How old is dd?

Right, but involving him makes it worse, not better.

I do understand the exertion, the spoons theory etc. I have fibromyalgia.

There is a limit to what you are able to do, and that needs to be caring for your DD.

Talk to school or GP or social services about how you are supposed to cope

I'm not being mean, I'm pointing out that roping him in causes more problems that it solves.

Having absolutely no other choice, basically! Stuck between a rock and a hard place but DD would absolutely suffer neglect if I didn’t have access to a bit of physical help on really and days. She’s 6, I’m just trying to hold out until she can do a bit more to help herself. Maybe about 8 or 9? I’m not sure.

I have ME so I totally understand that soldieri g on is not the answer.

BUT

Did he help? No. The upset was likely far more draining than caring for DD by yourself. You need a different strategy than having him over. How old is your DD? Consider what you can do with her to life the burden on you. You need to learn to pace yourself so that essentials get done but that means identifying what is REALLY essential. Ping me a message if you want to discuss further.

I can’t ‘soldier through’, that causes post exertional malaise which means I’d be bedbound for days afterwards and just get sicker and sicker.

So you're saying that his extraordinary behaviour was more restful than NOT having him kick off in your home?

80% of the time it makes things miles easier for me though. When he’s mentally stable he’s incredibly helpful and offers plenty of support, taking DD out for hours and not causing any problems and will even occasionally do some heavy lifting for me so I don’t end up even more unwell. I’m convinced he’s got bipolar or something similar because he gets suicidal and acts like a horrible brat out of nowhere once every 6 weeks or so but obviously mental health services are virtually non existent. He’s not horrible when she goes to his, just unorganised and useless.

I’ve asked for support but they said there isn’t anything available right now. I’m just pissed off that I rose to the argument when I know arguing back won’t get me anywhere.

Can you lower your standards, OP? Sometimes we ask too much of ourselves.
Can you buy in help? Cleaning?

I have worked to simplify my life. It's not been easy, but life is much easier now I don't have as many clothes, don't wear smart shoes etc. just basic self care is more than I can manage.

Basic food, basic clothes- just for a while. You may will recover and then you can do all the fun stuff again. It's just for now.

Ah ok, sorry. I assumed he was always a dick!!

Maybe have a test question to decide whether to rope him in? Like, do you fancy picking me up some milk and taking DD a to the park? If he kicks off on the milk, then you know todays not the day.

Do you see what I mean?

Is it possible he has Tourette’s? The tics and noises sounds like it could be compulsive.

And I know the frustration of falling into the same old trap again! In my case it's my mother.

The aggression, the ignoring your daughter, her crying because she doesn't want to go there. His home is dirty and disorganised, you know he ignores her to game and he's stroppy enough with you, I doubt he completely turns that off with her, or if he does it's because she's making herself as small and unobtrusive as possible and that's not healthy, especially for a female, to learn that's how to get by in life.
It all negatively impacts your child, a child who will already quite naturally be worried about her unwell mum. I understand you can't care for her full time yourself but her abusive father isn't the answer. Have you been referred to the early help/early intervention team? If not your GP, the school can do it or in some areas you can self refer.

something that makes a big difference to me is not having XH in the house - a friend asked me why I am letting him come in and wait for DS to get ready...so now I have DS ready apart from putting his coat on, and XH gets to stay on the step. It makes a big difference to me and XH doesn't get to act as if he still lives with us, or do any of his pity-poor-me shit.

Could you try that do you think, so there is minimal interaction between the two of you?

Why are you doing the cleaning if you’re not well?

Yes this! You need to act for your child. You say stuck and he can be ok sometimes but this is not enough. You need consistency for your kids. He isn't giving that. Your kids will react soon enough and you will feel the fall out.

@MarieRoseMarie I did think about Tourette’s because it’s definitely compulsive, but it only happens when his mental health plummets so I’ve no idea. I’m tempted to pay for private assessments for him to get some treatment for DD’s sake I’m loathe to waste my money on him.

That’s a good idea, but he responds ‘okay’ to absolutely everything no matter what mood he’s in so it’s really difficult to gauge him over text!

The simple living suggestions made me laugh because of my username - way ahead of you! I’ve adopted minimalism so I can just focus everything on DD, it has helped a lot.