Let ex partner rope me into an argument again and I’m furious with myself for it

[Livingsimply]

Me and my ex partner coparent our child. I’ve got long Covid and I’ve been really run down and unwell this week so asked ex if he could come and take DD out for a bit today so I can try to rest and get some cleaning done (DD hates going to his house, sobs and begs not to go every time I take her so I avoid sending her where I can). I was cleaning when he arrived so they went messing with playdoh together in her room. Ex started making weird annoying sounds like dinosaur screeches, mr bean imitations, bursting into loud obnoxious singing, putting songs on he knows me and DD hate, saying things he knew would wind us up over and over again, not to entertain DD but because he has ADHD and when it ‘flares up’ he feels the need to annoy people and start arguments. I ignored it for a while and kept prompting him to leave for the park, he blanked me and kept saying things to try to wind me up so I left him to it and made DD some lunch to take with her. Ex followed me into the kitchen singing obnoxiously loudly so I took a deep breath and said ‘I’m sorry but I’m really unwell today and can’t deal with this at the moment. I don’t have any energy to argue about anything so can you please stop actively trying to annoy me. Go have a nice day with DD, she loves the park’. He gave me a filthy look and said ‘What the fuck are you on about? Right that’s fucking it I’m never ever coming here again I can’t believe I’m not even allowed to sing I’m fucking sick of you I hate you!!. I calmly told him that I didn’t have the energy for this, sorry, then I turned back to the packed lunch while he stormed about throwing his things about and sulking and muttering about me. I passed him DDs lunch and he pretended he couldn’t see me, I said please don’t be so rude in front of DD so he snatched it without looking at me. I waved DD off then went up to bed to rest for a bit, but they were back home within half an hour. I was feeling dreadful by this point and told him so, he just said right DD we’re going to mine. She burst into tears and I asked him to please stop causing problems, I was way too ill to deal with it right now and it’s not fair in DD. He flew into a rage and started telling me that it was all my fault, he was in a great mood and it’s the first time he’d felt happy in days but I had to go and ruin it and drag him down and control him when all he did was sing a bit but nobody is allowed to have any fun when I’m around. I’d had enough and took the bait at this point🤦‍♀️ so argued back that it wasn’t just singing, it was the weird noises and windup comments that he always starts with when his mental health gets bad. He denied ever making any noises and just kept saying ‘go on then, what were they? Go on then go on then, make the noises I bet you can’t even think of any!’. I told him they weren’t noises I could make, it was like random whoops and screeches and shouts and animal noises that he’d been doing but he flat out denied it and told me that I was making stuff up to cause an argument and ruin the day. I said do NOT blame your mental health problems on me. You’re the one with the issue, stop trying to pretend that I’ve caused any of this and please just leave. He swore and ranted some more while putting his shoes on about how I’m so miserable and a killjoy and ruining his life and I’ve ruined the day for everyone and I always do this and we’d never see him again and I’m such an awful person, then eventually stormed off and slammed the door.

I’ve been left alone to look after DD when I’m really unwell, DD is really upset that he’d been shouting and I feel like bursting into tears myself, there’s so much stress and tension in my body now. I know that he’s projecting his issues onto me and I know that none of what he says is true but he’s really gotten under my skin and left me feeling awful about myself like it’s all my fault and I’m a really unlikeable person. I’m close to cutting him off completely but I don’t have any other help at all with DD and he’s ‘only’ like this about 20% of the time.

Not sure why I’m posting, I’m just so angry that I let him get to me again! I’ve been doing SO well with ignoring him and telling myself that he’s the one with problems not me, I was just feeling really vulnerable today and I have nobody irl for emotional support.

Honestly, you just need to get away! How can you do this?

That’s why I don’t send her there anymore, which is the reason he comes to my house instead?

Shes definitely not withdrawing into a shell, she’s forever shouting at him and telling him to stop being lazy or rude or demanding that he does things. She’s lovely with me but has absolutely no respect for him. She only gets upset when she has to be away from her house, she loves being here with me.

So, for your kids sake, do not have them stay there! If my kid was unhappy staying there it wouldn't be happening again.

(DD hates going to his house, sobs and begs not to go every time I take her so I avoid sending her where I can)

I’m convinced he’s got bipolar or something similar because he gets suicidal and acts like a horrible brat out of nowhere once every 6 weeks or so

Your daughter is worried about seeing him? Because of his unpredictability and his nastiness which seems to come from nowhere, quite regularly?

Can you find a Sitting service and get them in for a few hours once a week? To take your daughter to the park, make her a bit of lunch and have a play. This would be much better for both of you wouldn't it? There used to be a "mother's help" place near us.. maybe something like that exists where you are. Sorry you and your DD are going through this.

For crying out loud you are still so deeply enmeshed with your ex.

Stop worrying about his health & start taking care of your own.
Go back to the GP, be frank about how hard you are finding it to cope with your current ill-health, & ask for referrals or signposting to agencies that can help you.

Could you work on independence in your own home.
For example can she butter bread. If she can ( or teach her on a good day) she can butter some bread put a slice of precut cheese and ham in it. Grab some tomatoes from the fridge and a piece of fruit and she has sorted her own lunch.

Cereal is an easy one as is toast ( if you think she can handle a toaster).

Buy in some reasonably healthy premade dinners to have in the freezer for bad days eg. Cottage pie or bolognase. Even have a couple Pizzas in there.

Does she have any friends. At 6 play dates don't need to involve you she can go to a friends for the afternoon.

At home let her have extra time on her tablet if you need. Or a movie afternoon. Put on moana( or any film) and curl up on the sofa with tea / have a nap.

You say you will be guilty of neglect by keeping her at home but from your description of your ex house he is guilty of neglect

Also agree with others about needing to get help from gp and local services.

How come she isn't in school?

To me it feels neglectful to expect her to fetch anything on her own, I feel like I should be doing all that for her as a parent but then I probably do baby her a little as my pfb. I feel really neglectful letting her sit on her tablet or spending an entire day in the house too, or missing a bath day. I’m making so much effort to keep her away from her Dads that I’m desperate to make sure she has a clean, loving, fun home here where she’s well fed and gets plenty of attention and exercise.

Teachers are striking today, half term was last week

Could Home Start maybe help? Not sure what age they go up to.

I know you’ve said you don’t want her to go into care but social services can sometimes offer respite care to give you a break. She might also want to get involved in a young carer group. It really does sound like you need more consistent support.

im not sure on your finances but could you maybe find a local teenager who would be able to be a mothers helper to allow you some rest.

Learning independence isn't neglectful.
Mine did their own packed lunches from about her age.
They could choose from a set of things- a yogurt, sandwich (frozen, or make your own), fruit, drink box, treat (crisps/chocolate/biscuit). I kept things in the fridge in an organised way so it was literally 'grab and go'. They liked choosing.
They also did their own laundry from about ten- but you don't need that. She could put her own clothes away, though.

Brownies used to do a cooked breakfast, make a meal etc.

Re her dad, I do wonder whether you've normalised his behaviour so much you're missing the seriousness of it.

Do you have a garden OP?
If so, can you get some climbing equipment or a trampoline (2nd hand is fine). Then on bad days you get curl up in a chair with a cup of tea while she plays outside.
If you don’t have a garden, maybe something like a dance dance revolution game inside? And then enroll her in swimming lessons or something weekly involving exercise for her but the minimum for you. Bonus if she can do it with a friend and you only have to do half the pickups. Sorry if that’s not a reasonable suggestion because you don’t have the energy to take her - I’m just trying to think of ways she can have lots of exercise without too much exertion from you.
She will probably love making lunch with you at 6years old! You can do things like sit down at the table and get her to do all the fetching ingredients. It’s all good learning at her age.
I understand you not wanting to alter her life at all because of your current physical limitations but the thing is, it already is, even if it’s just because you feel you need her dad to be in your house sometimes to help and periodically this causes rows. Pacing yourself by teaching her to do some more tasks independently will help.

Either a strike day or this occurred at the weekend

It sounds like his behaviour is either a) genuinely compulsive and he can’t control it, or b) he’s just doing it to get a rise out of you. Either way trying to get him to stop isn’t going to work and is only going to tire you further. I think you need to accept that tolerating this irritation is the price you have to pay for reviving support for him.

saying things he knew would wind us up over and over again, not to entertain DD but because he has ADHD and when it ‘flares up’ he feels the need to annoy people and start arguments.

Is this a symptom of ADHD or just being a twat? Serious question.

Sorry your ex is so bloody selfish. Presumably he doesn't medicate his ADHD?

The lack of planning and the emotional volatility sounds like ADHD, but it doesn't flare up. It's pretty much the same all the time. Meds can really help. The noises etc could be compulsive or an effort to wind you up.

I don't really know what to say about your DD going to his house.

It does sound like you need more help. You're not neglectful. You're doing what you can.

All other things aside because I’m not qualified to comment but my late DM once commented that almost the best day of her life was when I prepared my own breakfast of Weetbix and milk. I was 3. By the next year, I was preparing the same for my brother, too.

At age 6, your dd will be perfectly capable of feeding herself, breakfast, lunch or snacks if the right ingredients are to hand. Allow her to do this and please don’t feel guilty about it. To expand my point, all children feel good in discussion with their friends if they have skills and capabilities that others don’t.

It’s just a matter of cutting the apron strings a bit (or in my case, shredding them thread by thread with my bleeding heart).

Do you have any family who you could get help from? If you live away from them, (but they'd help and aren't dysfunctional), I'd consider moving near them.

While your ex may be able to look after your dd practically, her distress and his behaviour would make me extremely worried for her mental health and emotional well-being at his hands.

He's emotionally abusive towards you both, whatever his diagnosis.

Sorry that you're so unwell. I think you need to find outside help that is not him - try adult social services, your gp, your mp, relevant charities, community groups.

For your bad days, try to have really easy meals and so on ready so that she doesn't have to be elsewhere.