Feeling uneasy about my younger sisters' success..

[redrovers]

..tell me I'm an awful jealous person, because I am, but as hard as I try I can't help but feel envy towards my younger sister.
She's 2 years younger than me, and done everything first, house, marriage, baby. Luckily this has always pushed me on to do the same but I'm feeling it extra bad now she's having a second baby, the same gender as my 1st.
They'll be a year apart and I'm already feeling uneasy.

I know I need to grow up, I know I need to be happy for her, but it doesn't help she also has more money and the comparison is so easy to make, when she's the most similar person to me in the world!

Does anyone else deal with this and have tips to let it pass me by?

Someone will come along and blow smoke up your backside, but I'm going to be blunt- grow the hell up. Look inwards and explore why you feel dissatisfied with your own situation and can't be happy for her.

This could be great. The cousins could play together.

Sorry OP. Her success is separate to your success. There is nothing to cross over. There is no "she wins I lose" stuff here.

Have you ever had counselling on this topic? Would be worth doing before you waste any more of your life reacting to what she gets up to, instead of living you own life.

Comparison really is the thief of joy, and sibling rivalry is the worst form!

So yes OP - Grow up!

I am considering counselling, not just in relation to this but my confidence also due to a health issue I have.

You are right there is no measurement gauge except in my head (and maybe my parents but they've never said anything).

I think seeing the cousins play together could be helpful!

People can happily have a marriage/ baby at 18 or 40 plus. It's not a race and what's right for one person isn't right for another.

You are not your sister. Follow your own life path that is right for you. It is not "lucky" that you followed her quickly with your own life events. You can follow your own path in your own time.

Your child and her child will share a gender but they are their own people. Don't set them up in competition like you have yourself and your sister. My children one is academic and musical, one has special needs. Their cousins all have their own interests and talents. No one is in competition. They are their own people. I am pleased if ond of my nieces is great at a sport or gets good exam grades, or my nephew gets a good job or my youngest uses a word in context!

I bet in time you will love that the children will be close in age as they grow up together.

Actually, I think it is perfectly normal for siblings to compare each other as you feel like you have started with a similar set of circumstances. So when adult life changes things for both of you differently it is hard not to feel it when that difference becomes bigger and bigger and you don't feel the effort you have put into life is
any less.

There is a lot of research that demonstrates how doing relatively less well than those around you negatively impacts mental health. Even if in the grand scheme of things you are doing very well compared to the general population.

Easier did than done but go easy on yourself. You are doing your best and you have no idea what the future holds for you or your sibling.
Try and focus on something that will make you fulfilled regardless of what she is up too.

Doing it first doesn’t mean she’s done it better. Marriages and families are entirely individual, personal life points: you don’t get to the end of your life and get a special gold star for having accomplished more because you had two babies before your younger sibling did. Your marriage isn’t less worthy because you’ve only been married ten years compared with your sibling’s fifteen year marriage. What matters is your own happiness - and if you’re unhappy because you aren’t married or because you want another baby or because you’d like to earn more money then the most productive thing you can do is establish how you’re going to try to make this happen for yourself and the steps you can realistically focus on.

I don’t think there’s any point criticising you for being jealous because jealousy isn’t a rational emotion. It just also isn’t a very productive one, and productive emotions and mindsets will get you to where you want to be much more effectively.

Sibling comparison and rivalry goes back to bible times lol. Its so common. It's not as easy as just growing up. It's often deep rooted and painful especially if a parent seemed to favour one of you above the other. Counselling sounds a wise move so you can process your feelings in a compassionate space and move on to have a genuine relationship with your sister.

I think you need to unpick why you see these things as being so important. Do you just think you should have done them first the cause you're older? Why do you see them as achievements in and of themselves?

I'm really not sure what the sex your your sister's baby has to do with any of it.

I think you really do need therapy regarding this. What if one of her children is good at something yours isn't? Or you prefer her children's hair colour to your child's? Or they do better at school? Sleep better? Family is going to be an absolute minefield if you insist on comparing her children with yours and your life with hers.

You'll be miserable and, more importantly, so will your children.

Of all human emotions, envy is the most pointless. It really is a complete waste of time & energy, because envying someone else will do nothing to change your situation, and the negativity it creates will only make you feel worse about yourself. And negative people are not nice to be around. So get over it & get on with doing what makes you happy in your own life.

I thought you were going to point to real achievements like career success. How is having a second baby first an achievement?

Wow, you are storing up misery here.

I have a very different life to my siblings.

I used to be jealous as they married and had family years before me.

But no one really knows what goes on in other people's lives.

It turns out I am the fortunate one.

Stop comparing yourself and stop imagining their lives are "better" than yours.

I bet there will be one root incident, maybe when you were very young, when she did something first and someone remarked on it and made you feel you were somehow lacking for not being first. It was probably a really small unimportant thing to adult eyes but if it was out of nowhere and you were shocked it could be an unprocessed memory. So you feel that feeling all the time when you are triggered. Have a think about it, see if you can uncover what it was. If not there are modalities of talk therapy that can help you.

I think it's very natural to feel jealous and we all feel that way sometimes. Issues arise when jealousy becomes extreme if for example you undermine her. I don’t think in your case it’s extreme. A little jealousy can be beneficial because it pushes you to take action. Just accept it as it is.

Meh, my youngest sister is 10 years younger than me. Owns two salons (works in one), 4 apartments (2 above each), her own house plus one that she’s renovating.

Am I slightly jealous? Absolutely, that’s human nature.

But mostly I’m fucking proud because our mother (who has zero qualifications and has never worked) told her than she’d never amount to anything doing hairdressing, (has said similar to my other siblings who all work in trades) and has used my PhD as a stick to beat them with, despite the fact that they all earn more than me.

Just because she got married and had kids before you doesn't make her more successful. I'm sure there are lots of things that you are better at than she is!

I think you need counselling to work out why your are so afraid of being 'less' than your sister.

I suspect that even if you got married first, had more kids and more money than your sister, you would still feel desperately low on confidence.

You are blaming your lack of confidence and satisfaction on your sister's success.

That's pretty mean spirited, even if you don't intend it that way.

You need to think about why you feel it matters that she was married and became a parent first.

Same for her child and your child being the same sex, why do you feel it matters?

I could be way off base, but it sounds like you're going into this with an assumption about what your niece/nephew's life will be like based on your sister's finances, and then you're spiraling into a whole pile of assumptions and what ifs that isn't healthy.

How did your parents treat you both? Based on nothing but anec-data, siblings who are close and not overly competitive/ jealous tend to be the ones who had parents who weren't overly critical or constantly making comparisons between children.

Luckily this has always pushed me on to do the same

This is ridiculous.

The reason she’s doing ‘everything first’ is because you just copy her.

Why not go and do something for yourself and not worry about what she’s doing.

I'm 52 and never married! I am not unsuccessful. I feel brave and independent for not having succumbed on autopilot to a paint by numbers marriage. I'm not disparaging marriage here, but I agree with a PP that you could gently ask yourself why you equate marriage with success. Or happiness? Can you be happy single?

I'm not saying that to cut you down at the knees as I thought the first response to your post was a bit harsh. You feel how you feel and you don't want to feel it so we've all been there !

If you were competitive with each other as children I suppose it's hard to let go of that but one thing that can make it hard to let go of is scarcity mindset. But you've both had a child. You both got to be a mother. being a mother doesn't ''run out'' if one of you gets there first.

I suggest making a list of the things that are important to you. Really focus on what's important to you. Is there anything on that list that you could no longer do if she did it first? If you would enjoy it less because she did it first, maybe it isn't as important as you thought it was.

In your relationship, if you're both in the habit of being competitive or looking at each other as a signal of what you OUGHT to do next, then it might be worth opening up ot her and telling her that sometimes you feel like you're in the same queue and the things you want will run out after it's her turn before it gets to you.

If that's a weakness that she'd capitalise on, don't open up to her, but if she's a good person and wants you to be happy then you might find that she has also felt like that too.

I think that competitive relationships take two competitors. Take yourself out of the race first.

Either way, whether she gets it or not.

Could I recommend a book? How to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. It's a collection of strategies but one of them is working out how you want your life to be, and then setting smart goals to get you there. I gotta tell you that once I read it, I stopped comparing myself with others on fb. What I do makes me happy and that is all I need.

Bit nuts, innit? Did you just grab the first likely bloke and frogmarch him down the aisle to compete with your sister's marriage? 😃

It's a shame it's not driving you to get your PhD or huge promotion or charity fundraiser target or world-record in long jump.

Sounds good, I'll check this out. I'm always going for the grade above me at work and I can't even work out if it would make me happy. It'd make me nervous and stressed! But I keep squaring up for the same rejection every two years! why!?!?