How to break up with someone

[Navigatingarelationship]

How do I do it?

I hate hurting people's feelings and in the past I've allowed myself to be persuaded to continue in the relationship to my own detriment. I've also experienced very difficult reactions to breaking up, including stalking.

I have written a letter as I'm scared that I won't put my point across otherwise and I'll be told my feelings aren't valid. I'm thinking about giving him the letter to read in my presence. But I don't know. I don't want to be cold or unkind.

You need to tell the person face to face. Unless it's only a very short time like a few dates. Be firm but kind. Say this isn't working for me. And don't agree to give it another try if you are determined to break up.

I've had nasty reactions in the past too, OP and also carried on a relationship I didn't want out of pity/guilt. If there is any question about his behaviour upon hearing the news, then don't be around at the time. Let's face it, it's always difficult ending a relationship but a letter seems as good a way as any. In a sense, it doesn't matter if he disagrees etc, it is what you want, and anyone can end a relationship if they so choose.

How long have you been together?

You need to give him some kind of hint before any speech, let alone handing him a Dear John letter. And I can imagine it would be extremely uncomfortable to read that in front of the person dumping you.

Thank you both.

My plan is to give him the letter while I'm with him. I wasn't going to send it. I'm scared that Im easily talked around if I just try and tell him it's over.

We have been together just a few months but known each other many years as friends.

I don't think I'm at risk from him, I'm just scared of doing this.

What kind of hint do you mean?

I've said that we need to talk about where we go from here. Its not out of the blue as I told him last week that I felt we weren't emotionally connecting.

Yes, that kind of thing: telling him you need to talk etc.

You know it's very likely that, with you there, he'd start to skim through the leetter, get the general idea and stop taking in any of the content - and just argue with you, if that's what you think he'd do.

And what points would you make in the letter? Anything other than "I don't want to be with you" can be argued with. It's not worth saying anything that can be argued with. It just makes them want to argue.

Yeah I get that. I guess with him I feel I owe some kind of explanation. I didn't give my previous dp one and it hit him really hard.

It's a short letter and I don't make the point about breaking up until the end.

I basically said I can't handle his moodiness and irritation and while I appreciate his offer to apologise afterwards it wouldn't help as I still feel stressed and on edge around him when he's like that. He has already told me he can't change as its just the way he is so I pointed that out too.

I don't know.

I'd tell him face to face and then give him letter should he wish to read it - if it feels right at the time.

That said. I'd re word it to state the break up early doors. I'm breaking up with you because ...... rather than a long path leading to the same outcome

That's an invitation to him to defend himself (It's not me that's moody; you misunderstood/made me do it) or to say that he'll change his behaviour. Then you'd have to get involved in that argument. And being told he's moody will simply piss him off. Why get him annoyed?
"Sorry, this isn't working for me. I'm sure you'll make another woman a great partner, but this is not the kind of relationship I am looking for. All the best..."

Billboard.

He already accepts that he's moody and says it isn't personal. I suppose he could go back on that during the heat of a break up.

Yes maybe I'll just keep it clear and tell him it's over and leave the letter as an option.

If you're not confident that he'll respect your decision, don't tell him in person. You don't have to pussyfoot around someone's feelings when they're the type of person who might disregard yours. If you think 'It's over, and my mind's made up, I'm sorry' is going to convince him, do it from afar.

Or he'd give you more of that lazy "It isn't personal, I am always like that" nonsense. And you'd have to argue with it. Of course, you can argue with that. But why would you want to?

You can also use a bit of "we" to make it sound less one-sided: we don't get on as well as we should, we will both be happier with a different partner, we don't need to force it if it doesn't work.

After just a few months, and since you've discussed it before, I agree that a message would be polite enough.

Personally @Navigatingarelationship in this situation Id go with the “it’s not you it’s me” break up. “I’m just not in the right space for a relationship and this doesn’t feel right for me.”

Those lines exist exactly for this reason. If you explain, justify or defend he will pick holes in what you say. Just be a broken record repeating the above. It is the truth anyway you are breaking up with him because of you, in the end that is why we end any relationship because it isn’t meeting our needs.

If you say something about him he will either get defensive or promise a change he isn’t likely capable off.

“Personally @Navigatingarelationship in this situation Id go with the “it’s not you it’s me” break up. “I’m just not in the right space for a relationship and this doesn’t feel right for me.”

Those lines exist exactly for this reason. If you explain, justify or defend he will pick holes in what you say. Just be a broken record repeating the above. It is the truth anyway you are breaking up with him because of you, in the end that is why we end any relationship because it isn’t meeting our needs.

If you say something about him he will either get defensive or promise a change he isn’t likely capable off.”

Completely this, especially the last bit. Make it about you, not him. And as @Watchkeys says - you don’t need to do it face to face if you think he will push you to change your mind.

Also - in terms of hurting him - no-one wants to hurt someone else. But if you don’t want to be with him, you’re wrong for him anyway - by definition - and being with you is stopping him meeting someone right for him. So you’d be doing him no favours by continuing when you don’t want to, either.

You need to be simple and clear but kind.

I'm sorry but this relationship isn't working out for me. I just don't feel the chemistry. I'm sorry

I think the main way to ensure you break up with someone successfully is to be very clear in your own mind that you will not continue the relationship. I don't mean that sarcastically, I just mean if you're feeling a bit wibbly about it it'll be hard to stand your ground.

So you need to be resolved within yourself, take some deep breaths to be calm, and then come up with a non-blamey formula, like the ones @80s has suggested. "I don't feel like we get on well enough" is one I have certainly used before, they can't really argue with it because it's a) vague b) about YOUR feelings.

He can argue that he's not bad tempered (great move to break up with him btw! sounds unpleasant) or that it's not his fault or whatever, but he can't argue that you actually want to be in an argumentative relationship when you've said you don't.

I wouldn't bother with the letter because it's not a court case, you don't need to produce or prove your reasons, and the less you say the less he can argue with.

I hope it goes really well. Just remember, you are not asking permission to break up with him. You are breaking up with him, it's your god-given human right and he doesn't get to disagree with it.

Why on earth are people encouraging the op to tell this prick face to face? It’s utterly ridiculous. She doesn’t have to explain or justify why she don’t want to see him. She’s clearly said she’s concerned her feelings won’t be validated yet she’s being encouraged to tell this him face to face.

He’s a casual partner of just a few months Ffs, not a husband. He’s moody and irritable and she has a history of being persuaded to continue in relationships when she don’t want to be.

Telling him face to face is going to get her the result she doesn't want. Either text him or phone him along the lines of it’s not working for me, best of luck , and if he argues just block.

You’ve set the ball rolling already. I’d keep your brave pants on and say it just isn’t working for you and you want to end the relationship. If he tries to pressure you or demands reasons, then, and only then, give him the letter. It’s not necessary to give someone a list of reasons why you’re leaving- you’ve already brought it up previously, he knows..

It sounds like you've already more or less set out the conversation which is great. He'll be expecting it. I don't like the idea of giving someone a letter to read while you sit there tbh. Better to have confidence in your desire to end things and to see it through, also to not get drawn into a long discussion or negotiation. You've made your decision. Maybe hold onto it as backup for yourself though.

Send a text saying 'can we talk tonight about us?'. Call him, meet in person if you must, but calling is fine. It sounds like he hasn't behaved nicely at times so whilst it's always best to be civil, he doesn't deserve you going out of your way to sugar coat this.

Focus on what you want and what's not working for you, not massive detail about what he's done wrong. Say 'I'm glad we explored getting to know one another as more than friends but unfortunately it isn't working for me as a romantic connection so I'd like to leave things here'.

I've made quite a few of these calls as I've done a lot of dating and find the best way to wrap it up is if you can think of something specific to wish them well with such as ' I really hope your interview/ half marathon this week goes well. All the best' and keep it quite positive.

If he's insistent on asking 'why' then fine. Say 'to be honest, I know you've said it's not personal but your moodiness has consistently left me feeling uneasy. That's a main part of why we're not suited as partners but i wish you well'. Do not get drawn into anything more.

Thanks everyone I really appreciate the ideas and support.

I think I will keep the focus on me as suggested and say its not working, I'm not in the place for a relationship etc. This is what I did with my previous dp and it worked but was v hard for him.

I'm not at risk from him, truly. This is me finding it hard to have boundaries.

I also think I do need to decide why I'm ending it and be clear in my own mind about it.

You have to grow a proverbial pair of balls and just dump someone who you can’t suffer anymore. If you don’t do that you’ll be angry with yourself for being a sensitive pushover. People can sense this about you and that’s why they start stalking you or keep pushing you to take them back.
Just send them a message or tell them on the phone if it’s easier. If they say they want to talk about it and discuss it in person, just tell them there’s nothing you want to talk about and you want to keep it simple and short. If they don’t take the hint just hang up on them. It is very liberating and empowering to get rid of people who are like shackles.

I think you are clear, because he's a tetchy and angry man and those are things you want to avoid!

Tell a friend you're going to do this and make yourself accountable so she can check in with you afterwards - or arrange to meet someone after whether you do it in person or by message.

If he is the anger reactive type and you have decided to do this in person can I suggest that you meet up publicly so that you have a way of leaving the situation. You do not need to mop up his emotions for him, that is the job for his own support system outside of you.