How to break up with someone

[Navigatingarelationship]

How do I do it?

I hate hurting people's feelings and in the past I've allowed myself to be persuaded to continue in the relationship to my own detriment. I've also experienced very difficult reactions to breaking up, including stalking.

I have written a letter as I'm scared that I won't put my point across otherwise and I'll be told my feelings aren't valid. I'm thinking about giving him the letter to read in my presence. But I don't know. I don't want to be cold or unkind.

How would you prefer to do it, if his feelings didn't matter, @Navigatingarelationship ?

FFS don't give him a letter.

Just tell him.
If you fear being talked out of him, do so by phone rather than in person.
If you want a basic script:

"I've got something uncomfortable to say, so I need you to just listen for a minute.
I have been finding your moods & irritation difficult to deal with, & you telling me that you are not going to do anything to change that makes me anxious. I can't see the relationship working for me - so I am calling it quits because I don't want to have to keep managing the stress your moods cause me. It's a shame is hasn't worked out for us & I wish you all the best, but don't want to be your girlfriend any more."

Let him have 2 minutes to talk, then end the call.
If you get pushback -
"This is what I am talking about, For me, it is over, as I cannot keep feeling on edge about the way you take your irritation out on me, so I'm ending the call now."
& hang up.

You are not responsible for his feelings.
But if you stay with him any longer & he will make sure that you feel that you are.
You do not owe him a relationship. you do not owe him a long break-up scenario, & you do not owe him more than a short phone call.
DO NOT ACCEPT any promises to change.
He won't change, it will all be hot air to keep you on side.
And what would be the value of a promise, if he's only offering to change because finally his poor behaviour is going to make HIM unhappy, instead of YOU?

If you take just one thing from your thread OP - take @GoldenCupidon's comment:

Just remember, you are not asking permission to break up with him. You are breaking up with him, it's your god-given human right and he doesn't get to disagree with it.

Yes I have absolutely taken this on board. I know how much I struggle with it!

Thank you, v helpful.

Probably in person as I feel that's respectful and something I can feel happy about long term.

And do you feel you'll be treated respectfully by him in return?

This is what this is about really. We all want to be respectful to ourselves and others. But some people behave in a way that doesn't command our respect. If someone is going to try to twist thigs around when we speak respectfully to them, then the best thing may to be to maintain our respect for ourselves and our dignity, at the expense of being lovely and sweet to someone else. Some situations warrant breaking all contact without any explanation at all, and I'm sure that you can see that. A victim of domestic abuse, for example, who walks away without another word to their abuser, is utterly maintaining their self respect, and owes their abuser nothing.

So, how you do it is situation-dependent, rather than there being a blanket rule about 'the right way' to break up. I'm not suggesting that he's abusive (although he may be if he's manipulating you), but that you need to work out what's right for you. You're a nice person. You're not going to choose to do something unpleasant to someone unless you have good reason.

Trust yourself.

I wouldn't necessarily tell him it's because of his moods, because he might vow to change, and then you've backed yourself into a corner and you have to think of another reason to give him, something he can't fix!
I always used to say I'm really sorry and I like you but I'm just not feeling it.

I'd write the letter like a sandwich: something positive, something negative (breakup and why), something positive (I hope we can remain friends).

I think if you know that the dynamic of your relationship is that he invalidates your right to have a reaction to his moodiness then a letter is a good idea but you should take yourself off the scene immediately afterwards so that you cannot be talked around. If you know that that's his fault and your weakness, you're right to prepare. I'd leave the letter, go to a friends house for the night and ask her to keep your phone for 48 hours until the worst of the discomfort has passed.

When somebody has groomed you to feel their emotions before your own then it's really hard to break up with them.

You have to have faith that the discomfort will pass if you don't get in to it with him. You have told him in the letter, so don't engage more or it will feed the current dynamic (ie, that you need his permission to end it, and that you are not allowed to put your own feelings and needs above his.)

You could just say you feel the relationship has run its course and you would like to just be friends. Avoids any blame, finger pointing etc.

he can then agree with you & has an elegant & dignified exit and you both move on. If not & he wants to know why then you can explain further how you feel.

I find saying less can be better in these situations unless it needs more details.

Have you considered counselling or therapy to address your people-pleasing?

It's not the worst thing in the world to upset someone.

Pretty much everyone gets broken up with at some point in their lives - it's hurtful and upsetting to experience rejection, but you get over it and sometimes learn from it.

Try to reframe it more positively for yourself too - it frees him up to find someone who is a better match for him. It doesn't really do either of you any favours to stay in a relationship that isn't right.

Thanks everyone for the help.

I told him today. It was hard - he tried to explain himself and talk about ways to make it work but ultimately I said I needed to end it. He accepted it. I said we're just not compatible.

I feel so relieved.

Well done. Now don't interact with him. Block him so if he texts you you won't be tempted to reply

Good outcome OP, hope that this success gives you the confidence to say what you want more often!

Well done OP.

These things are often worse to think & worry about beforehand than actually doing it is!

As 80's said, this should be a real confidence booster for you.
It's ok to say what you want, it's ok to say no.

Buy yourself a little celebration present -
www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208

well done!!! I think many of us were cheering you on. How do you feel? Sometimes it's a good idea to write down a list of things you didn't like about the person, either just on a bit of paper or in a message to a friend, to strengthen your resolve if he tries to get you back x

Are you scared of this person? It sounds like you are?

Free yourself from the idea you have to give a reason because you don't.
Say 'we're breaking up' and then repeat as many time as necessary then leave.

Even if that hurts his feeling or makes you a cold hearted witch, so what?

Well done. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

i wouldn't worry about his feelings if I were you. You can't live your life worrying what other people think of you if you want to break up with them and you don't need to give him a resume of why you want to break up either for him to pick to pieces or try and persuade you that your opinion is invalid.
You just tell him the relationship is over, you are not feeling it any more or whatever. Keep it short and sweet.

Just read your update. Well done. Thats the way to do it.

Don't give him a letter, it's something he can waive about, just phone him and tell him you want out. You haven't known him long and by the sounds of hin face to face is a very bad idea.

Well that will teach me to rtft. Good on the OP

I don't think for a short relationships like this I would like to be broken up with in person. I would sooner over the phone. I would feel less vulnerable.