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Original poster

Ex wants me to move out so he can have a social life

40 replies

AnonDuckk · 27/02/2023 08:45

I need a little perspective on something. I'm currently living outside of my home country and planning to pack up and move back before summer after a breakup a couple of months ago. Unfortunately we've had to live together in the meantime due to financial reasons. Recently he's said I have two options: move to an airbnb or take over the bills here and he moves out until I leave. He wants to have his friends over whenever he wants and party without a roommate situation. He says he wishes nothing but the best for me but wants me out of his life as soon as possible and that since we aren't together anymore he can prioritise his social life. I said he can give a month's notice and take whatever he wants from the house as he'll be moving back into it when I leave.

I don't know why but this has really stung me. Maybe it's because I felt he did this throughout our relationship anyway, so what we had feels like it meant nothing really. But also it means I have to speed up my process and leave much sooner than I planned (which means I have less money at the end and also have to fix a lot of things while working full time). Am I being out of line here to feel pissed off about this? I know he has every right to prioritise himself now and for him that means being as social as possible. I also feel that I'm literally uprooting everything and want to make the best of it but he's pushing me out for his own benefit, it's not him losing his home, quitting his job and moving his whole life. For more context: he broke up with me, he originally said he's looking at apartments but then flip flopped on those plans, I was clear in saying I was leaving in so many months and since finances was an issue had no problem with sharing a place until then/not pressuring him to find somewhere new and he agreed with me, he has family here that could take him in too and I've not limited anything wrt friends being over as long as normal roommate things are taken into consideration. Open to any opinions here!

OP posts:
Thepurplelantern · 27/02/2023 08:52

You feel how you feel and that is fine and they are understandable feelings given the circumstances however I do think your expectations seem to be very high and obviously it actually doesn’t matter what I think but to your ex they are unreasonable.

LightDrizzle · 27/02/2023 08:57

Your ex is being reasonable I’m afraid. It’s time to move on.

StrawberryAnnie · 27/02/2023 08:57

This is his problem to solve, not yours. If I was you, I would stay put.

If your home is rented, who’s names are on the lease? Who’s names are utilities in?

If his name is on the lease of your current house he will be financially liable until the contract is up, regardless of whether he moves out or not.

Oopsiedaisyy · 27/02/2023 09:00

Sorry but i think he's entirely reasonable to ask you to leave, and I'd make alternative plans.

typopro · 27/02/2023 09:00

You need to move out. Or he needs to move out. You should have both discussed this as soon as possible after the break up. It's simply not feasible to continue as you are for a second longer than necessary

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 27/02/2023 09:01

It is really unfortunate timing that your relationship has run it's course before your practicalities are fully sorted.
It's fair enough that you feel him prioritising what suits him over what suits you is typical of him and for that to sting.
However, I think expecting an ex to live in a way that considers your presence is unrealistic, even though it is really bloody inconvenient for you, that's life sometimes.
It would be really great if he was generous and caring enough of you to keep his social life to a scale that suits you being there while you got your stuff all sorted, but great though that would be, it's not surprising he's not willing. Your life is not his business anymore. In his shoes I'd be feeling similarly and unless it meant you literally living on the streets would be saying similar.
At least you have a choice of stay or go, just not with him and his contribution to the bills on the picture.
Anyone else you know who could be a roommate for a while?

Clymene · 27/02/2023 09:05

I'm guessing when you say you're still living together due to financial reasons, you mean your financial reasons not his. And it's his place?

If both those are true, I'm amazed you're still there if you split up a couple of months ago.

Overthebow · 27/02/2023 09:08

You’ve broken up OP, of course he doesn’t want to live with you anymore. One of you needs to leave. His suggestions are perfectly reasonable.

CalistoNoSolo · 27/02/2023 09:12

Why on earth wouldn't you move out? Its ridiculous to stay living with someone you've split up with. I don't blame him in the slightest.

redskydelight · 27/02/2023 09:28

Sorry OP - but I think it's perfectly normal for your ex not to want to live with you any more. He's already given you 2 months to get yourself sorted and the option to be the one to stay or leave. Sounds like he's being pretty reasonable tbh. It's not his problem that it doesn't suit you.

nc1013 · 27/02/2023 09:32

StrawberryAnnie · 27/02/2023 08:57

This is his problem to solve, not yours. If I was you, I would stay put.

If your home is rented, who’s names are on the lease? Who’s names are utilities in?

If his name is on the lease of your current house he will be financially liable until the contract is up, regardless of whether he moves out or not.

He's offered to move out. She doesn't want him to as she can't afford it.

He's offered to stay if she wants to move out. She doesn't want to.

It's not his problem to solve

Original poster
AnonDuckk · 27/02/2023 09:34

Thanks for all the responses so far :)

It's our place, not his so we both have our names on the contract. It's his country, not so easy to pack up and move on a whim. I gave him my notice, not the other way out. Not just my financial reasons but his too. Just to answer those Qs.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnonDuckk · 27/02/2023 09:36

@nc1013 sorry I wasn't so clear there, he has offered to leave as long as I paid the whole bills for the apartment even though it would be a storage unit essentially for him and he'd be back and forth for things. He can move out, all I ask is for a month's notice.

OP posts:
nc1013 · 27/02/2023 09:39

AnonDuckk · 27/02/2023 09:36

@nc1013 sorry I wasn't so clear there, he has offered to leave as long as I paid the whole bills for the apartment even though it would be a storage unit essentially for him and he'd be back and forth for things. He can move out, all I ask is for a month's notice.

Ah that's fair enough then!! Surely he could rent a storage unit and move??

Original poster
AnonDuckk · 27/02/2023 09:40

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 27/02/2023 09:01

It is really unfortunate timing that your relationship has run it's course before your practicalities are fully sorted.
It's fair enough that you feel him prioritising what suits him over what suits you is typical of him and for that to sting.
However, I think expecting an ex to live in a way that considers your presence is unrealistic, even though it is really bloody inconvenient for you, that's life sometimes.
It would be really great if he was generous and caring enough of you to keep his social life to a scale that suits you being there while you got your stuff all sorted, but great though that would be, it's not surprising he's not willing. Your life is not his business anymore. In his shoes I'd be feeling similarly and unless it meant you literally living on the streets would be saying similar.
At least you have a choice of stay or go, just not with him and his contribution to the bills on the picture.
Anyone else you know who could be a roommate for a while?

Thank you for the words, I see where you're coming from. Unfortunately no people to room with, my only option honestly is to move home which as I said I'm in the process of so. Again, thanks for that perspective.

OP posts:
drspouse · 27/02/2023 09:41

He needs to move his stuff out, too, could you find a short term lodger?

MyriadOfTravels · 27/02/2023 09:42

AnonDuckk · 27/02/2023 09:36

@nc1013 sorry I wasn't so clear there, he has offered to leave as long as I paid the whole bills for the apartment even though it would be a storage unit essentially for him and he'd be back and forth for things. He can move out, all I ask is for a month's notice.

I think him moving out and you paying for the flat is fair enough.
What wouldn’t be acceptable us him coming in and out all the time.

What I notice is that he was all happy to move out for the few months until he iron realised it’s not as easy as it sounds so he has dumped that effort onto you instead. Not surprising but I’d be annoyed tbh.

Original poster
AnonDuckk · 27/02/2023 09:42

Clymene · 27/02/2023 09:05

I'm guessing when you say you're still living together due to financial reasons, you mean your financial reasons not his. And it's his place?

If both those are true, I'm amazed you're still there if you split up a couple of months ago.

Then I'd be a true CF 🤣 but no, as I wrote above its a joint contract and both began new jobs at the same time so emergency savings are limited both ways.

OP posts:
Clymene · 27/02/2023 09:42

AnonDuckk · 27/02/2023 09:36

@nc1013 sorry I wasn't so clear there, he has offered to leave as long as I paid the whole bills for the apartment even though it would be a storage unit essentially for him and he'd be back and forth for things. He can move out, all I ask is for a month's notice.

Your OP wasn't very clear! Well if he wants you to pay all the bills he can't keep his stuff there can he?

Wouldn't it be better if you just went back home? Or stayed and found another place?

Original poster
AnonDuckk · 27/02/2023 09:45

MyriadOfTravels · 27/02/2023 09:42

I think him moving out and you paying for the flat is fair enough.
What wouldn’t be acceptable us him coming in and out all the time.

What I notice is that he was all happy to move out for the few months until he iron realised it’s not as easy as it sounds so he has dumped that effort onto you instead. Not surprising but I’d be annoyed tbh.

Show quote history

Thank you- that's how I feel but wasn't sure if I was unreasonable. We have a one bedroom flat and I've packed the majority of my things apart from clothes which equated to one box...just to give you a scale of the amount of things here that are his (and of course joint bought furniture). So I imagine that's why he'd prefer me to leave tbh.

OP posts:
Derbee · 27/02/2023 09:45

I think he’s entirely reasonable. One of you moves out, and the remaining one takes over the bills of your current apartment.

You sound like you want him to pay half the costs, and keep living together? Or we at half the costs and move in with his family? Neither of those options is fair or reasonable. Just because you’re planning on leaving the country etc eventually, doesn’t mean he needs to do everything on your time scales.

It’s a shitty situation, but you need someone to move out and the remaining person to be responsible for the bills, whether that’s by themselves or with a new roommate etc

butterfliedtwo · 27/02/2023 09:46

redskydelight · 27/02/2023 09:28

Sorry OP - but I think it's perfectly normal for your ex not to want to live with you any more. He's already given you 2 months to get yourself sorted and the option to be the one to stay or leave. Sounds like he's being pretty reasonable tbh. It's not his problem that it doesn't suit you.

Agree with this. It sucks for you, but he's not unreasonable not to want to live with his ex.

toomuchlaundry · 27/02/2023 09:49

Are you reliant on him being in the country you are currently in?

Thepurplelantern · 27/02/2023 09:52

Are you sharing a bed? If so that sounds utterly rubbish. Ending this relationship will cost money and it probably will cost you more just via your personal circumstances but living with an ex in a one bed flat sounds horrible. You need to get focussed on starting your life again you are moving on anyway just get it sorted. If the circumstances were reversed I would be saying the same to your ex. Get out and move on with your life.

Original poster
AnonDuckk · 27/02/2023 09:52

Derbee · 27/02/2023 09:45

I think he’s entirely reasonable. One of you moves out, and the remaining one takes over the bills of your current apartment.

You sound like you want him to pay half the costs, and keep living together? Or we at half the costs and move in with his family? Neither of those options is fair or reasonable. Just because you’re planning on leaving the country etc eventually, doesn’t mean he needs to do everything on your time scales.

It’s a shitty situation, but you need someone to move out and the remaining person to be responsible for the bills, whether that’s by themselves or with a new roommate etc

Fair enough point, I want him to pay half the rent as his stuff is here and he'd be back and forth to collect things all the time. I'd be happy to pay full rent if he took everything and I had peace of mind that I wasn't getting a message that he'd be dropping by here and there. As for time lines, I see where your coming from. The anxiety of returning home with 0 (money/job/own place) while life carries on here really puts my head in a spin.

OP posts: