Ex wants me to move out so he can have a social life

[AnonDuckk]

I need a little perspective on something. I'm currently living outside of my home country and planning to pack up and move back before summer after a breakup a couple of months ago. Unfortunately we've had to live together in the meantime due to financial reasons. Recently he's said I have two options: move to an airbnb or take over the bills here and he moves out until I leave. He wants to have his friends over whenever he wants and party without a roommate situation. He says he wishes nothing but the best for me but wants me out of his life as soon as possible and that since we aren't together anymore he can prioritise his social life. I said he can give a month's notice and take whatever he wants from the house as he'll be moving back into it when I leave.

I don't know why but this has really stung me. Maybe it's because I felt he did this throughout our relationship anyway, so what we had feels like it meant nothing really. But also it means I have to speed up my process and leave much sooner than I planned (which means I have less money at the end and also have to fix a lot of things while working full time). Am I being out of line here to feel pissed off about this? I know he has every right to prioritise himself now and for him that means being as social as possible. I also feel that I'm literally uprooting everything and want to make the best of it but he's pushing me out for his own benefit, it's not him losing his home, quitting his job and moving his whole life. For more context: he broke up with me, he originally said he's looking at apartments but then flip flopped on those plans, I was clear in saying I was leaving in so many months and since finances was an issue had no problem with sharing a place until then/not pressuring him to find somewhere new and he agreed with me, he has family here that could take him in too and I've not limited anything wrt friends being over as long as normal roommate things are taken into consideration. Open to any opinions here!

It's far from ideal to be living in a one-bedroom flat with someone you've broken up with. And for several months? It sounds like torture for both of you.

It sounds like you both bent yourselves into unsustainable shapes immediately upon breaking up, perhaps in order to be amenable to each other's situations, but time has shown those positions to be too difficult.

But by this point I think he's reasonable enough to want you to move out, or to take over the entire lease. Sometimes it gets to the point where you have to shit or get off the pot and he's reached that point.

I think your focus on his social life is the wrong way of looking at it. He wants you to move out because you've broken up and are no longer in a relationship with each other. That's the basic fact of it.

Look, breakups are horrible and they lead to messy, unideal situations, especially when people live together. But by continuing to 'live together' you're both bent into uncomfortable shapes. And I think you've taken too long to make other arrangements — personally I'd have been moving heaven and earth to be out within six weeks of the breakup. The timescales under which you're planning to move back to your home country aren't his problem any longer, to be brutally frank.

I'll admit to being a bit confused by your OP and updates.

However, I understand you thought you could make it work as flatmates but approx 6 months is a long time to live with an ex and could easily hinder moving on. Your expectations were a bit high here I think and he hasn't been unreasonable in wanting space. I know it isn't nice to hear though and you've every right to feel however you do.

I don't see why you have to give up your job and leave the country if you really don't want to. Couldn't you just sort the logistics out and stay on?

In the meantime, either arrange a place to stay for the remaining time (probably simpler if you have the deposit) and let him keep the flat, or take on the full responsibility of the flat but let him know that he can't keep coming and going. He can pay for storage. In all honesty it's probably going to be easier cutting your losses and finding a room/ studio yourself and moving on. I understand there's probably a principle at stake here, but he isn't responsible for you. You're working and will probably feel a lot better drawing a line.

Has he refused the month's notice?

He has the bedroom and I have the sofa. Work schedules mean we don't really see each other anyway but just try to keep the peace at home.
Not reliant on him financially but unfortunately part of my support network is his family (very difficult culture around friendships etc here). Put it this way, if I went to the hospital for something I'd have no one.
Moving countries takes time and I can't just up and leave. Notice period here is 6 weeks to 3 MONTHS and they can charge you for leaving early. There's a lot of strings attached which means I have to survive a little longer, trust me I'd be out sooner rather than later if this wasn't the case 😩

So you dumped him, he doesn't want to keep living in the same house so one of you needs to leave and start living their own life and he's giving you the choice of which of you that is? He sounds more than reasonable if you ask me. What were you thinking when you dumped him? Oh I'm dumping him but want to stay together for the bills? Surely you had a plan for the future?

Your situation is difficult and I sympathise
His situation is difficult and I sympathise
He's being reasonable
The solution might not be ideal or comfortable

That's what I'm seeing here.

If you're name is on the lease you need to give your notice to the landlord not your ex.
Also unless you ex hands his notice to the landlord too, it's still his responsibility to pay his share.
You don't stop paying mortgage when u go know holiday.
If he doesn't remove his stuff from the place, you can't rent it out. So no he's being unreasonable.

He can stay and put his social life first in line with your local laws and lease agreement. He's being a prat. Just ignore and make sure you give your notice to the actual landlord.

And also put your social life first too

Ask him to move out and take all his stuff with him.

@Ladyofthesea You've got it the wrong way round; OP was on the receiving end of the breakup.

From OP: "For more context: he broke up with me"

It sounds as if you would be better off leaving your ex in the flat with the bills, and finding some temporary accommodation until you return to your home country.

unless you have a serious health condition, I can’t see why you should need to worry about going into hospital, or why you should expect or want your ex boyfriend’s family to support you there? Did you actually come to this country ( I m presuming it is the UK) to live with your ex? Was his family involved?

maybe you could find a social group of ex pats from your country to help and support you?

By taking over the bills does he mean the entire rent? All while he uses the house to store all his things? That's not acceptable, if you are paying for everything he needs to be entirely gone.
Tbh if I were you I would take him up on his offer to get out of the lease early and leave myself. I am sure you will be able to find something cheaper than a 1 bed to yourself, and short term until you are ready to leave the country.

@AnonDuckk why can't you just leave if your leaving the country? What compels you to sit it out?

I'm surprised by all these comments, OP. Probably mainly from people who have never lived abroad. It's a totally different situation from simply getting another flat or flatshare in your own country.

He sounds like a selfish arsehole and you'll be better off without him. Too bad he's making your life as difficult as possible in the meantime. Best of luck with it all.

I've read your replies OP and many PPs, and I think he's being unreasonable.

The flat belongs to (is rented by) both of you. You have a plan to leave soon, which you're intending to do.

He wants you to either leave, or he will leave and stop contributing to all bills, while still using the flat to come and go from, and store belongings? Not ok.

You've stated that you put no limitations on his socialising.

Ultimately, no matter what each of your personal preferences are, you both have equal claim to the flat. If he wants to move out and stop paying bills, he needs to actually move out. That's fair, if that's what he wants. He's free to do that. What isn't fair, is him "moving out" and not paying bills, yet still storing his belongings in the flat. Would his intention be to move back in after you've gone? If so, he needs to still contribute to the bills, in my opinion.

Also as PPs have said, any notice given by either party needs to be given to landlord, not each other.

Yep, this too, OP. Ultimately you are abroad, not in your home country, unlike him who has friends and family and other connections he can rely on for support, and yet he can't wait a short while until you've left to have the flat to himself?

@AnonDuckk what is so special about that flat that he wants to stay there?
Why not him just getting another flat and move his furniture in instead? (Or half of it!!)

He could easily do that whilst you sort your next move to be able to move back home - in your own time.
And he would get a flat he wants, Wo any memories in it.

Or is it a case that he doesn’t think he’d get a flat as good as that one with just one wage? Or he’d need money he doesn’t have just now?