I’m sad my sister and I are no longer close.

[bittrist]

My sister and I are 5 years apart, both in our 30s.

I’ll try to describe our relationship to you to start with. We’re both in our 30s and were until recently pretty close I’d say. In out adult years we would have heart-to-hearts about certain things (friendships and work issues and family stuff) went on holiday together and genuinely relaxed and enjoyed each other’s company, enjoyed doing thing together. We would call each other just to wile away the time or have a rant about somebody or something. We would help each other out of a tight spot. Sometimes argue and fall out, but for hours not days, nothing major.

Trying to be honest and reflecting on the relationship, the power balance was always in my favour as the big sister, especially growing up. In the preteen/teen years my little sister sister idolised me, thought unfortunately more often than not I wished / told her to go away and leave me and my friends alone. I wasn’t ever intentionally unkind, but I do think on reflection that I was a bit unfeeling and dismissive towards her and took her for granted, and maybe that taking for granted element remained into our adult years, I had never had to work for her attention or affection and she would always do what I wanted… it’s just the way things were. I suppose I have a tendency to be somewhat bossy and opinionated at times, it’s part of my personality that I generally try to tone down, but I think comes out particularly with her just because… well that’s the way it’s been and I’ve never had to worry about holding back (this is what I mean by taking her for granted.) I do love her very much and would do absolutely anything for her..

Anyway, a lot has changed in the past 3 years:

1. She got into her first serious relationship (I am single and always have been happily so).
2. Covid. We were apart from each other a long time during which she struggled with depression.
3. I got a much better paying job than before and now earn considerably more than I did before (previously we both had similar jobs).

Anyway, things have changed. She never calls me. She answers texts and Whatsapps but rarely initiates. I will ring her but she doesn’t pick up. She will ring me back at her convenience about 59% of the time, but it’s more to find out what I wanted, rather than just to chat.
When we are together there’s no atmosphere, I don’t think I’ve done anything ‘wrong’ as such, we haven’t fallen out about anything, but she doesn’t seem to have that desire to share things with me or be particularly close to me like we once were. In a room together she is likely to scroll through her phone rather than talk to me. If I talk to her she will talk back - but again, it is me doing the running. It’s like she’s ‘moved on’ from me.

I feel sad and hurt and confused about what has changed, why, if it’s my fault, and what I can do about it.

-Could it just be that the power balance is now more fairly distributed because we are older, and I am having to work harder than I used to, but it’s all ok?

-Does she just not need me in the same way anymore, as now she has a partner she gets that closeness from him?

-Did she finally get fed up of me being bossy and opinionated and has drawn a personal boundary / closed some sort of emotional door on me? Maybe I have been ‘hard work’ and I’m just not worth it any more.

-Do we just have less in common now, I wonder if she feels a tiny bit resentful that I am earning more, because she works harder but her work also ties her to a location that means she is stuck paying really high rent that eats all her income and can’t save etc.

My instinct is that it’s 2 and 3. I think I’ve maybe been hard work, but I’ve been worth the work up until now because I was the person who understood her best, but now she has met her partner I’m not that person any more.

But what should I do about it? I miss her and our relationship, as I say I’m still single and my relationship with her means a lot to me, but I can’t ask her or bring this up because that would be me being ‘hard work’ and maybe a bit controlling wouldn’t it. Just because the relationship isn’t as I want it to be doesn’t mean it is wrong? Maybe I have to respect her boundaries and if I want things to change I have to change myself. But she lives at the other end of the country and I don’t know how to do this :-(

I’m not sure what I want from this post really, just letting it all out and wondering if anybody has any observations or words of wisdom.
Thanks x

Either you’re reaping what you sowed in terms of her recognising that her life is better not dancing to the tune of a sister who seems to have taken for granted her position as the dominant one of the relationship, and now she has a partner with a more equal dynamic, or this is just one of the periodic ebbs and flows of sibling relationships?

I’m not sure I have any pearls of wisdom but wanted to say I really feel for you 💐All relationships change over time and it’s really hard when a close family relationship changes outwith your control. I guess trying to keep channels of communication open as much as possible in the hope she will ‘come back to you’ is probably best bet? Unless you feel strong enough to speak to your sister about the elephant in the room? X

Thanks for reading my very long post and replying. I just don’t really know what to do or whether to say anything. I feel that bringing it up with her is going to seem controlling or like I’m putting it onto her, but the thing is that if I accept things as they are then I am ‘moving on’ myself aren’t I, and most likely with neither of us putting in much effort things will definitely not go back to how they were. I don’t want to give up on what we had. But perhaps I have to?

Maybe that’s it. Perhaps I have to accept things and move on but be receptive if she shows that she wants a closer relationship in future, and it’s her choice?

Why not send her a card saying you miss spending time with her and suggest a weekend away?

I can guarantee she still loves you but there is a blocker there. She has been so used to playing second fiddle she’s given up. I think time for you to put the effort in and play second fiddle to her life for a bit - contact her more, arrange time to spend with her, ask her advice (even if you don’t need it). Build it back up. It may take time.

I think when I was your age I would probably have tried to Have A Chat, but now I’d just leave it, carry on as you are doing, keep communication open but realise that sometimes the dynamic changes. Sometimes it resolves, too. Sometimes not.

Sibling relationships are really complex as adults; I’ve spoken to so many people who would not have predicted the outcomes they have based on childhood. For example, I am the slightly bossy older sister you describe (but nothing more than that I would have said) and one of my sisters doesn’t speak to me at all in our 40s. I’ve no idea why and she doesn’t intend to tell me. I’ve had two conversations this week alone with friends who’ve had similar.

You never know what will happen in adult sibling relationships but don’t blame yourself or second guess too much as you may never know.

I think it is just that she has a partner. Some couples mostly just need each other. Other couples have their relationship and separate friendships. If your sister is the first group, she won't want so much closeness with you. If she is the second, perhaps you need to arrange some get togethers with her.

Your instinct is probably right. Just stay affectionate and interested and warm and hope she comes back to you.

my mum is the eldest of many and a lot of her siblings feel that she is far more powerful than she feels herself. It’s amazing to see how that childhood dynamic actually goes into OLD AGE!

Thank you. It really helps to get this out and talk about it. I will try my best to do as you suggest @Letitbebread. Maybe invite her to stay for a weekend (she couldn’t afford a weekend away) and see what she says. I will have to try really hard not to be nice and not bossy or opinionated in any way. Asking her advice about something is a good idea @UWhatNow, I definitely don’t do that enough but am rather too ready to dish it out. I think this is probably the crux of it. Thank you.

*TO be nice!

I'm late 30s and my sister is mid 40s and we are close but there definitely are more ebbs and flows as someone described it, not for any bad reason just because things in life move around and change and then come together again

I would say as the younger sister I do recognise the other side of that relationship you describe, where you maybe take your sister for granted and advice more than seek advice

I am aware I am sometimes having to bite my tongue because my sister holds opinions I don't agree with and as the older sister still thinks she knows more. Or she will tell me how to live my life etc but not accept advice back. I just put up with it and accept it as part of the sibling dynamic but it can be irritating and once or twice I have got annoyed with her about it.

I would also say for quite a few years she was better paid than me and she would make me aware of that and has sometimes been a bit patronising of it or has made a point of giving me expensive things that 'she knows I cannot afford' and now her DH has inherited a lot of money (as in millions not thousands) there have been a few comments that have really pissed me off, along with a wiff of lady bountiful looking after her poor siblings

I am still close and love her dearly because this is like 5% of the time, but just something I've noticed

So just be careful that a combination of coming across that you are right, she is in need of your advice and you are the better off sibling is not coming across.

Good luck. You might have to be quite strong and not too sensitive about knock backs… wishing you a lot of luck. I really do feel for my mum as her younger siblings (who are old people!) imbue her with the kind of authority and power of a parent. So she just has to put up with them treating her like that… very odd but families are!

I really feel for you as I’m going through a similar thing with my sister. She is the older, opinionated one though. I can’t put my finger on it either - I just feel she doesn’t like me much anymore and is keeping me at arms length. I’ve spoken to a friend about it and the friend said I should just keep trying. It hurts badly and I think about it a lot. I don’t feel like bringing it up with her either. I think she has grown away from you sadly xxx

Good advice which has helped me too x

How do you get on with her DP, OP?

I think you have hurt her somewhere along the line - unwittingly perhaps

you said yourself you will try to be nice and not bossy. My dm spent her whole life bossy and negative and I quietly withdrew from her (didn’t want drama)

Sorry I've just realised I missed you said she had depression

Is that definitely better?

Because not initiating contact or conversations, not always replying to texts, being a bit disengaged could also all be symptoms of depression and might have nothing to do with your relationship

Your relationship is very similar to mine with my older sister, only we are both older with children and our gap is a bit bigger. From the outside our relationship is good but it’s changed significantly last 10 years. My sister loves me, don’t get me wrong but she is bossy and a bit selfish. I don’t like her relationship with our parents. Also I don’t feel that she is understanding and supportive. I have a lot of problems and I tried to talk to her in the past but felt that she didn’t want to listen or try to understand. I tried a few times naturally not deliberately and now just stopped. We talk, call regularly once in 3 weeks, she calls me if she has an issue but I don’t do the same. I can’t talk with her about my problems - it’s just too difficult. Or even worse she becomes upset and then I need to comfort her whereas it’s me who experiences the problem. She is more successful financially too, she’s got a lot of support from our parents being the older one. And we also have different approaches to life. I wouldn’t be friends with her if we were colleagues. Of course it’s not noticeable when I was 25 but after 40 it’s different.
Also she told in passing a few things to me over the years which were very unfair and showed me that she didn’t understand the extent of my problems. And I have a good memory.
sorry for the long post hope some of it would be helpful but in the light of your info I wondered how supportive you were when your sister struggled with depression and could she have some financial problems.

I would tell her straight I miss her and would like to talk to her regularly at least once a month or once a season or so.

That's what I do with one of my friends who lives 3 hours drive away.

I send her my days off timetable and we arrange a video call for about 1 hour when and what time suits us both.

Yep so you are no longer the big sister! Off you mention earning more but best keep that to yourself as it's cringy. (Sure you don't mean it but it is)

She's found a partner. You are both adults so act like one and ring her/text her to meet up for a catch up

Sister relationships can be hard. Mine is 5 years younger and similarly I have to make alnost all the effort, it’s really painful and difficult and I don’t know how to change it. ☹️

Thanks all, every reply is helpful in a different way and helps me think about the situation differently.

I think she has recovered from the depression, it was mainly situational due to her being on furlough and trapped in a flat and feeling down. She’s been much better now since things have been more normal.
I was the one who actually picked up on it as that’s when her communication first dropped off, and insisted that she get help. I drove across the country to take her on a trip out and try to help.
But even now looking back, I wonder if me helping her with her mental health was too ‘bossy’. Perhaps she just wanted me to listen. I DID listen, to be fair, but I think that the power dynamic was still there with me being the strong / helping one and perhaps now she feels a bit exposed or wanting to move out of that role. I just don’t know.
Her boyfriend moved in with her halfway through 2020 and they became a household together which helped her move through it I think.

Somebody asked what I think of her DP - he’s nice enough. I don’t know him all that well really, but he’s a nice man. He makes an effort.

I think this is a good question.
You talk about missing what your sister used to bring to your life but you don't seem much involved (interested?) in her life now.
She's been through such a lot!!

I am interested, but she doesn't share much with me any more. I am trying not to be nosy / interfering. It’s part of my dilemma.