I’m sad my sister and I are no longer close.

[bittrist]

My sister and I are 5 years apart, both in our 30s.

I’ll try to describe our relationship to you to start with. We’re both in our 30s and were until recently pretty close I’d say. In out adult years we would have heart-to-hearts about certain things (friendships and work issues and family stuff) went on holiday together and genuinely relaxed and enjoyed each other’s company, enjoyed doing thing together. We would call each other just to wile away the time or have a rant about somebody or something. We would help each other out of a tight spot. Sometimes argue and fall out, but for hours not days, nothing major.

Trying to be honest and reflecting on the relationship, the power balance was always in my favour as the big sister, especially growing up. In the preteen/teen years my little sister sister idolised me, thought unfortunately more often than not I wished / told her to go away and leave me and my friends alone. I wasn’t ever intentionally unkind, but I do think on reflection that I was a bit unfeeling and dismissive towards her and took her for granted, and maybe that taking for granted element remained into our adult years, I had never had to work for her attention or affection and she would always do what I wanted… it’s just the way things were. I suppose I have a tendency to be somewhat bossy and opinionated at times, it’s part of my personality that I generally try to tone down, but I think comes out particularly with her just because… well that’s the way it’s been and I’ve never had to worry about holding back (this is what I mean by taking her for granted.) I do love her very much and would do absolutely anything for her..

Anyway, a lot has changed in the past 3 years:

1. She got into her first serious relationship (I am single and always have been happily so).
2. Covid. We were apart from each other a long time during which she struggled with depression.
3. I got a much better paying job than before and now earn considerably more than I did before (previously we both had similar jobs).

Anyway, things have changed. She never calls me. She answers texts and Whatsapps but rarely initiates. I will ring her but she doesn’t pick up. She will ring me back at her convenience about 59% of the time, but it’s more to find out what I wanted, rather than just to chat.
When we are together there’s no atmosphere, I don’t think I’ve done anything ‘wrong’ as such, we haven’t fallen out about anything, but she doesn’t seem to have that desire to share things with me or be particularly close to me like we once were. In a room together she is likely to scroll through her phone rather than talk to me. If I talk to her she will talk back - but again, it is me doing the running. It’s like she’s ‘moved on’ from me.

I feel sad and hurt and confused about what has changed, why, if it’s my fault, and what I can do about it.

-Could it just be that the power balance is now more fairly distributed because we are older, and I am having to work harder than I used to, but it’s all ok?

-Does she just not need me in the same way anymore, as now she has a partner she gets that closeness from him?

-Did she finally get fed up of me being bossy and opinionated and has drawn a personal boundary / closed some sort of emotional door on me? Maybe I have been ‘hard work’ and I’m just not worth it any more.

-Do we just have less in common now, I wonder if she feels a tiny bit resentful that I am earning more, because she works harder but her work also ties her to a location that means she is stuck paying really high rent that eats all her income and can’t save etc.

My instinct is that it’s 2 and 3. I think I’ve maybe been hard work, but I’ve been worth the work up until now because I was the person who understood her best, but now she has met her partner I’m not that person any more.

But what should I do about it? I miss her and our relationship, as I say I’m still single and my relationship with her means a lot to me, but I can’t ask her or bring this up because that would be me being ‘hard work’ and maybe a bit controlling wouldn’t it. Just because the relationship isn’t as I want it to be doesn’t mean it is wrong? Maybe I have to respect her boundaries and if I want things to change I have to change myself. But she lives at the other end of the country and I don’t know how to do this :-(

I’m not sure what I want from this post really, just letting it all out and wondering if anybody has any observations or words of wisdom.
Thanks x

I've no idea whether your and your sister's dynamic is similar, for my relationship with my older sister is highly strained because of her domineering bossiness. She does not see herself as that but she is and it makes her very hard to be around. She feels that she knows best and is dismissive and rude about anyone else's opinion. I will respond to her but would not share problems or initiate things because what she might see as being a bit bossy is actually hugely problematic and disrespectful behaviour. It may not be the case but it's also possible that you are minimising just how difficult you can be to your sister.

I'm the younger sister and I'm in the process of distancing myself from my older brothers because I refuse to play the role they put me in as a kid - dramatic/ditzy/clueless/unable to fend myself. They are so patronising. They talk AT me for hours.

It's nothing to do with love. We all love each other. It's just I don't have room in my life for people who just refuse to accept that I've grown and no matter what will still always see me as a 14yr old and treat me like that.

I had a child and it all just changed dramatically for me. Perhaps your sister's relationship has done the same for her.

''In the preteen/teen years my little sister sister idolised me, though unfortunately more often than not I wished / told her to go away and leave me and my friends alone. I wasn’t ever intentionally unkind, but I do think on reflection that I was a bit unfeeling and dismissive towards her and took her for granted, and maybe that taking for granted element remained into our adult years, I had never had to work for her attention or affection and she would always do what I wanted… it’s just the way things were. I suppose I have a tendency to be somewhat bossy and opinionated at times, it’s part of my personality that I generally try to tone down, but I think comes out particularly with her just because… well that’s the way it’s been and I’ve never had to worry about holding back (this is what I mean by taking her for granted.);;

I would suggest that this is is how it seemed to you but maybe to her you were controlling, a bit of a bully? I have a sister and our relationship was somewhat similar. I didnt realise until I was in my 40s that t wasn't normal to get a stomach churning worry when your sister's name popped up on the phone worrying what mood she would be in an what I needed to do or say to keep her on side.

I always did what she wanted. I worried how she would react if I didn't. I. was absoulutely taken for granted. It negatively affeced my self esteem (the bullying in our case turned to verbal and then physical abuse).

My sister would never have been my friend through choice. Maybe your sister has come to learn what a good relationship looks like and doesn't wish to be close to you anymore.

You might need to work hard to turn this around but it isn't too late. Have you ever acknowdledged how you treated her?

I am finding, I can't be around my sister, That much anymore. She Is acts like a prima donna. She is always trying to tell me what to do in very condescending way. She is also involved with a man who doesn't really care anything about her. He only comes over for a booty call. And to pick up food that she has made him. They do not go on any actual dates. I mentioned in the past that she should leave him. Well she hasn't. But she continues to be very condescending to me. I find it is better for me to keep my distance because she's also a backstapper and I don't trust her. It's sad when a relationship goes that way.But you have to look out for your own mental health. In case you're wondering how old she is 72 and doesn't look her age but she acts about 12.