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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex and Regret

66 replies

fejkalove · 26/02/2023 08:02

Hey,

To give a bit of backstory; we have a 10 month DD together. During the pregnancy, the relationship was pretty toxic. We lived together and had our ups and downs. I was pregnant and hormonal too so not blaming him completely but one day he said he was so scared about not being involved with the baby that he cornered me in a room and tried to through my work laptop out of the window. I tried to move on with the relationship following this, we spent Christmas Day apart (he spent it alone) but one thing led to another and resulted in him kicking me and my oldest DD out of his house overnight (we had moved to his from a different county so this also meant my DD was without a school for numerous weeks/never got to say bye to her school friends).

I admit I left him out after this and was unsure where it would leave us when the baby arrived, but he continued to show up to NCT classes etc despite not knowing where he stood with me. He supported me through the tough ending of my pregnancy and the new arrival and we tried to make things work again (living apart). In October, it became apparent we weren’t happy and I felt brave enough to make the call on ending things. Admittedly I really haven’t addressed this or my feelings since.
He has continued to visit and seems to have sorted himself out, so I decided to try and see where he was at, to which he tells me that he’s moved on and it’s too little too late and how basically it’s all my fault. I now suddenly feel heartbroken and I know it’s absolutely my fault for not doing something sooner. Not sure what the point in this post is but I have nobody to tell (as none of my friends like him/will judge me for being okay until now). I know 5 months is a fair amount of time for him to have found someone else but it hurts like hell that he really did give up on our family.

How do you coparent with someone you have feelings for? Knowing they’re with someone else. I can’t eat or sleep and feel like I’m numb to everything.

OP posts:
Gwen82 · 26/02/2023 08:11

but one thing led to another and resulted in him kicking me and my oldest DD out of his house overnight (we had moved to his from a different county so this also meant my DD was without a school for numerous weeks/never got to say bye to her school friends).

wtaf OP

You are her mother. You need to seriously woman up and have no more romantic relationship with this man whatsoever

Gwen82 · 26/02/2023 08:11

He has continued to visit and seems to have sorted himself out, so I decided to try and see where he was at, to which he tells me that he’s moved on and it’s too little too late and how basically it’s all my fault. I now suddenly feel heartbroken and I know it’s absolutely my fault for not doing something sooner.

Unbelievable. No words

Original poster
fejkalove · 26/02/2023 08:14

I appreciate you’ve taken time to read and reply but I’m not sure how this comment helps? 😔

OP posts:
LilLilLi · 26/02/2023 08:14

He made your daughter homeless, miss some of her schooling and not be able to say bye to her friends?

And you want him back? Are you fucking joking?

Gwen82 · 26/02/2023 08:14

There is no hope in this scenarios I’m afraid to say

so I will bow out

Original poster
fejkalove · 26/02/2023 08:18

LilLilLi · 26/02/2023 08:14

He made your daughter homeless, miss some of her schooling and not be able to say bye to her friends?

And you want him back? Are you fucking joking?

Yes it does look this way in black and white.
When I said this to him he says that I’d already decided to move out and he knew we’d be okay as we had my parents to go to.

OP posts:
Original poster
fejkalove · 26/02/2023 08:19

Gwen82 · 26/02/2023 08:14

There is no hope in this scenarios I’m afraid to say

so I will bow out

I’m not asking for hope. He’s made it very clear we’re over. I’m just asking how I can coparent whilst I still have feelings. I don’t want to hurt 😥

OP posts:
Gwen82 · 26/02/2023 08:19

I mean hope for the children involved

LilLilLi · 26/02/2023 08:20

OP please, please put your self worth above this man. You really do deserve better than this and so do your children.

There is no excuse for what he did to you and your daughter, non at all.

He sounds abusive, and if you get back together he knows he can treat you appallingly and get away with it because you won’t leave.

Its hard to start over, but being with him will be harder. Be kind to yourself, focus on yourself and your children and give yourself time. You will be ok and you’ll look back soon and realise you had a lucky escape x

Gwen82 · 26/02/2023 08:20

Not for you and him to get back together.

That is a shit show

will probably stagger on here and there over the years causing more disruption and unhappiness for your children

barmycatmum · 26/02/2023 08:23

Nope he’s abusive and your child deserves better than thinking this endless round of drama is normal.
please get some help. This isn’t a relationship to pine after. please get fierce about your child.

GrazingSheep · 26/02/2023 08:23

How do you coparent with someone you have feelings for? Knowing they’re with someone else. I can’t eat or sleep and feel like I’m numb to everything.

What about your older daughter?
How is she coping with all you have put her through?

Original poster
fejkalove · 26/02/2023 08:25

LilLilLi · 26/02/2023 08:20

OP please, please put your self worth above this man. You really do deserve better than this and so do your children.

There is no excuse for what he did to you and your daughter, non at all.

He sounds abusive, and if you get back together he knows he can treat you appallingly and get away with it because you won’t leave.

Its hard to start over, but being with him will be harder. Be kind to yourself, focus on yourself and your children and give yourself time. You will be ok and you’ll look back soon and realise you had a lucky escape x

Thank you. I guess this is all I want to hear, I have no support with this situation in the real world and hence why I’m exposing myself on a forum.

It is just very hard when your mind only reminds you of the good parts and puts a haze over the bad parts.

It really isn’t a nice feeling knowing he’s doing god knows what with someone else.

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 26/02/2023 08:25

You deserve better. So does your daughter x

Original poster
fejkalove · 26/02/2023 08:26

Gwen82 · 26/02/2023 08:19

I mean hope for the children involved

I just found that an unfair comment. I’m a good Mum and I come from a good family, my children will always be my priority and looked after well.

OP posts:
Original poster
fejkalove · 26/02/2023 08:27

GrazingSheep · 26/02/2023 08:23

How do you coparent with someone you have feelings for? Knowing they’re with someone else. I can’t eat or sleep and feel like I’m numb to everything.

What about your older daughter?
How is she coping with all you have put her through?

With all that I’ve put her through? Please expand on what I’ve personally put her through. She is a very happy girl who is safe and loved with me.

OP posts:
LilLilLi · 26/02/2023 08:29

fejkalove · 26/02/2023 08:25

Thank you. I guess this is all I want to hear, I have no support with this situation in the real world and hence why I’m exposing myself on a forum.

It is just very hard when your mind only reminds you of the good parts and puts a haze over the bad parts.

It really isn’t a nice feeling knowing he’s doing god knows what with someone else.

Show quote history

That’s how it works in abusive relationships, I’m almost a year out and still have those feelings. It’s almost like a drug addiction and your brain is very good at forgetting the bad and remembering the good. Write a list of all the bad, things he’s said and done to you and read it when you feel weak.

Men like him do not change. They just don’t, so he will treat the new one exactly the same way. Maybe not at first, he’s still on his best behaviour but it will happen. He is not a prize.

One day at a time, you’ll get there I promise. I remember my friend saying to me “don’t drink poison just because you’re thirsty” when I wanted my ex back. You will be happier without him in the end, I promise.

TessoftheDubonnet · 26/02/2023 08:32

fejkalove · 26/02/2023 08:27

With all that I’ve put her through? Please expand on what I’ve personally put her through. She is a very happy girl who is safe and loved with me.

Show quote history

Oh my, where to start.... If you cannot see how your actions are likely to affect your daughter, there's no helping you,

In what sense was it in her interest for you to live with and have another child with a total loser? And where are you living now - what's the plan moving forward?

When are you going to make your children your priority instead of pining for your useless ex?

GrazingSheep · 26/02/2023 08:33

With all that I’ve put her through

You took her out of school.
She didn’t say goodbye to her friends.
She was not in school for weeks.
You moved her into another man’s home.
He was abusive to you.
He kicked you and her out.

Do you really not see how damaging any of that must have been for her?

Gwen82 · 26/02/2023 08:34

fejkalove · 26/02/2023 08:26

I just found that an unfair comment. I’m a good Mum and I come from a good family, my children will always be my priority and looked after well.

Show quote history

Children will always be your priority?

FGS read your own OP

Original poster
fejkalove · 26/02/2023 08:35

LilLilLi · 26/02/2023 08:29

That’s how it works in abusive relationships, I’m almost a year out and still have those feelings. It’s almost like a drug addiction and your brain is very good at forgetting the bad and remembering the good. Write a list of all the bad, things he’s said and done to you and read it when you feel weak.

Men like him do not change. They just don’t, so he will treat the new one exactly the same way. Maybe not at first, he’s still on his best behaviour but it will happen. He is not a prize.

One day at a time, you’ll get there I promise. I remember my friend saying to me “don’t drink poison just because you’re thirsty” when I wanted my ex back. You will be happier without him in the end, I promise.

Show quote history

Thank you.
I guess I’m just worried that people will think I’m painting him to be a bad person when he found plenty of faults with me. It’s my fault that I turned cold and didn’t give him enough affection etc. I also gave our daughter my last name which he sees as unforgivable.

Perhaps you’re right in that he won’t change, it’s just hard when you see them as a better person than they were for you (new job, car etc).

Thank you again, just wish I could fast forward the pain x

OP posts:
Gwen82 · 26/02/2023 08:35

This is a losing battle fellow posters

Shadesofscarlett · 26/02/2023 08:38

'but one day he said he was so scared about not being involved with the baby that he cornered me in a room and tried to through my work laptop out of the window'

what did I just read?

Original poster
fejkalove · 26/02/2023 08:40

GrazingSheep · 26/02/2023 08:33

With all that I’ve put her through

You took her out of school.
She didn’t say goodbye to her friends.
She was not in school for weeks.
You moved her into another man’s home.
He was abusive to you.
He kicked you and her out.

Do you really not see how damaging any of that must have been for her?

I didn’t chose to take her out of school. I couldn’t have driven her 55 minutes each way every day.
As I said he kicked us out overnight and I therefore had to move in with my parents (55 minutes away).
Yes I moved us into another man’s home because we had all built a good stable relationship over plenty of time.
Yes perhaps he was abusive to me.
Yes he kicked us both out.

I fail to see how I personally put her through that, those weren’t my actions (apart from moving us in which like I said was the right decision for us at the time, we were all happy and a ‘family’).
I appreciate your concern for my eldest daughter but I and everyone else has made sure she’s fine. She actually still even likes him and isn’t aware of the ongoing issues between then and now.

OP posts:
Original poster
fejkalove · 26/02/2023 08:41

Gwen82 · 26/02/2023 08:35

This is a losing battle fellow posters

That’s your opinion, there are people on here helping me which I appreciate.

OP posts: