Ex and Regret

[fejkalove]

Hey,

To give a bit of backstory; we have a 10 month DD together. During the pregnancy, the relationship was pretty toxic. We lived together and had our ups and downs. I was pregnant and hormonal too so not blaming him completely but one day he said he was so scared about not being involved with the baby that he cornered me in a room and tried to through my work laptop out of the window. I tried to move on with the relationship following this, we spent Christmas Day apart (he spent it alone) but one thing led to another and resulted in him kicking me and my oldest DD out of his house overnight (we had moved to his from a different county so this also meant my DD was without a school for numerous weeks/never got to say bye to her school friends).

I admit I left him out after this and was unsure where it would leave us when the baby arrived, but he continued to show up to NCT classes etc despite not knowing where he stood with me. He supported me through the tough ending of my pregnancy and the new arrival and we tried to make things work again (living apart). In October, it became apparent we weren’t happy and I felt brave enough to make the call on ending things. Admittedly I really haven’t addressed this or my feelings since.
He has continued to visit and seems to have sorted himself out, so I decided to try and see where he was at, to which he tells me that he’s moved on and it’s too little too late and how basically it’s all my fault. I now suddenly feel heartbroken and I know it’s absolutely my fault for not doing something sooner. Not sure what the point in this post is but I have nobody to tell (as none of my friends like him/will judge me for being okay until now). I know 5 months is a fair amount of time for him to have found someone else but it hurts like hell that he really did give up on our family.

How do you coparent with someone you have feelings for? Knowing they’re with someone else. I can’t eat or sleep and feel like I’m numb to everything.

a small child still likes him so then he is okay? Blooming heck - grow up and be the adult here! Of course you put her through this due to your own woeful choices.

Yes, exactly that. I’ve questioned him about that time and time again since and he says people do things they shouldn’t when they’re scared and hurting.
No excuse, and I’m not making any for him. I know we’re not going to be together etc all the point in my post was how do I coparent with feelings? I just want the hurt to stop.

I didn’t chose to take her out of school. I couldn’t have driven her 55 minutes each way every day.

I give up.

I think there has been some sort of miscommunication here. I’m not excusing his behaviour. I’m asking how to coparent whilst you’re hurting and have feelings for someone/they’ve moved on. I know we’re over and understand why but my feelings don’t just go away unfortunately (I wish they did!)

Yes I moved us into another man’s home because we had all built a good stable relationship over plenty of time.

The same relationship that you said in your OP was toxic?

You may love your DD but you’ve made some pretty poor choices.

I’m just curious to know; is that what I should’ve done in that situation? Would that have made me a good parent in your eyes?

The thing to remember here is that your children are a priority to you but aren't to him. He kicked all 3 of you out, because he knew you'd be ok, so none of you were his priority.

I think you know that you shouldn't be together but you don't want him with anyone else, this is really common but it is clouding your judgment and removing focus from a happy and healthy future for your children. I know you think your eldest is unaffected but in reality damage will have occurred, but may not show until later life.

You are out of this abuse now and have the opportunity to make your children's lives safe and happy, you do not need to be thinking about that man, he brings nothing to the table

Yes, it became toxic after I fell pregnant.

OP there are clearly a lot of posters that don’t understand abusive relationships and obviously can’t just be kind.

She is no longer with him, her daughter is not being subjected to anything she is hurting and needs support to not go back just like MANY victims of abuse.

Thank you.

I know in time these feelings will pass and I’ll be okay, it’s just hard in the now and I feel very alone with dealing with those feelings.

It’s unfortunate that I have to still have to deal with him regularly as obviously that makes the moving forward process a little more difficult.

but thank you for your non judgemental reply.

This made me cry, thank you. X

Unintentionally

By severing the romantic “relationship”, this man has made the only decision that either him or the OP has ever made in this toxic circus of a relationship that has ever been in the best interests of the children involved

It is what I did and would do again for my child though was 45 mins I did it for a few months.

You set yourself some boundaries, OP.

Keep to the absolute minimum contact.

Write a list on your phone of all the reasons why this man was not good for you and your kids. Read it daily; hourly if you need to, out loud if it helps.

Make building a new life your priority. Make new friends, clean your house, work out, keep busy.

Give it a few months, you’ll start to find the feelings fade.

Ah what an amazing mother you are! So that makes me an awful parent in your eyes then. It physically wasn’t possible, I still had to work and was in the later stages of pregnancy.

Thank you x

I was working full-time and had a part time job at weekends ! My full-time job was in the opposite direction too.
You where the one who asked if other people would have driven their kids to school !

@Weedoormatnomore

What you did was very normal for half decent parents!

Curious to know how you dropped your child at school for 8:40 and got to work 55 minutes away on time at 9 and then the same with pick up?

It’s not just saying children are your priority

It is actually putting them first

What a lovely person you are. Stepping onto a forum and completely slating someone’s parenting.

how do you know she started at 9?

You’ve made your point Gwen.
Repeatedly.

She said she worked full time but 9am was my situation, I’m explaining how I physically couldn’t make that work.