Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner Doesn’t Want Kids

41 replies

anon948 · 25/02/2023 22:44

Sorry for the long winded post, I’m a newbie here but really need advice. I had the difficult discussion with my partner about kids. He already has 2 children from his previous marriage and at the beginning of our relationship we discussed being open to children as I have always wanted a child. We had this discussion early on as we had both just left long term marriages and wanted to be up front.

We are now planning things for our future and he admitted he couldn’t emotionally or physically handle having another child, he is also concerned about having another child due to his age. (For reference I am 30 and he is 41.)

We both left our long term marriages to be together (there was no infidelity)

I absolutely adore and love his children but obviously they are not my own.

He makes me happier than I’ve ever been and we are great together and the thought of losing him breaks my heart more than the thought of not having a child and after our initial conversation I told him I understand and I accept that decision but now as time is going on I keep thinking what if?

I don’t know if the answer is obvious or if I’m making the right decision to stay together as I worry that X amount of years down the line I might change my stance on it and won’t want a child then I have ended a wonderful relationship for no reason or I live to regret my decision when it’s to late to explore that option again.

thanks for any advice!

OP posts:
Justwingit66 · 25/02/2023 22:54

If you want a child then leave him. As someone who has just had a baby on her own (dad walked out) there is nothing like the love you have for your child. There are always more men!

TheIsleOfTheLost · 25/02/2023 22:57

If you choose to stay you need to be comfortable with never having a child with or without him. Can you say that if he leaves you in 10/20 years time it will have been worth not trying for a child for? Plenty of people are happy nor having children's, so only you can decide what value you place on trying.

Channellingsophistication · 25/02/2023 23:01

I think you have to think about whether in 10 years from now will be happy with a life without a child in it… personally I think no man is worth giving up a child for but it depends on how strong your desire for a child is.

Lefteyetwitch · 25/02/2023 23:05

So you were in relationships when you decided to get together? The Yes you both had an affair.

And now he's backtracking on the things that made you leave for him?

ImissLemmings · 25/02/2023 23:07

Men are ok but children are awesome.

If it was me I’d leave him and have a child, alone if necessary.

He’s wasted some precious time in your late twenties saying he wanted children when he doesn’t. I’d be very pissed off with him.

PaigeMatthews · 25/02/2023 23:10

I wouldnt have stayed with a man who didnt want children.

AnotherEmma · 25/02/2023 23:11

"We both left our long term marriages to be together (there was no infidelity)"
I guess you're saying there was no physical infidelity, but it sounds like an emotional affair to
me.

How long have you been together? When did he tell you he was open to having a child with you - was that before you left your husband and how old were you then?

I agree with PPs, I don't think any man is worth sacrificing being a mother for, if you want children. So if you want them you should end the relationship. You're 30, you still have time but not time to waste with him.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 25/02/2023 23:13

I divorced my first husband who I loved dearly as he said he didn't want children at 29 after 12 years together. It broke us both but you can't compromise on that.

DifferenceEngines · 25/02/2023 23:17

There is no way I'd sacrifice having children just to stay with a man who didn't want them.

The classic story that's often told here would be that you stay together and when you're 40, he leaves you for a younger model.

Beanie567 · 25/02/2023 23:18

If you stay you’ll end up resenting him. That will break up your relationship further down the track and then you’ll be alone with no partner or child. Better to call it a day now and start over or let him know how strongly you feel about it and he may change his mind if he realises you’re serious about leaving.

Don’t underestimate how the resentment will fester though.

Dreammakerflower · 25/02/2023 23:26

Beanie567 · 25/02/2023 23:18

If you stay you’ll end up resenting him. That will break up your relationship further down the track and then you’ll be alone with no partner or child. Better to call it a day now and start over or let him know how strongly you feel about it and he may change his mind if he realises you’re serious about leaving.

Don’t underestimate how the resentment will fester though.

Yup that's exactly what I did, he quickly realised how serious I was about having my own child and now we are welcoming a new born next month...
At the end of the day, there's no way I could of carried on just being a step mum and not having a child of my own

Op please do whats best for you

Catoo · 26/02/2023 00:46

Sorry to hear this OP.
If he has definitely changed his mind then it’s time for you to tell him that you haven’t changed yours so the relationship is done.

He knew you wanted children of your own and I think it’s too much of him to ask that you give that up for him. If he cares, he will let you go.

Dery · 26/02/2023 02:08

Not the main point but you were obviously both emotionally unfaithful to your previous partners because you ended your marriages for each other. So it’s incorrect and frankly a bit lacking in sensitivity (especially on a forum where lots of OPs have been left for someone else) to say there was no infidelity. There was.

This is a difficult one re children. I find it odd you left your marriage for him before bottoming this out. Given his age, it’s unlikely he will change his mind and equally it’s unlikely that he will leave you in the future for someone else with whom he can have children, which might be a risk if he were younger than he is. But all that said, as PP have said - men come and go. You may be together for decades. Or your relationship may end much sooner.

Only you can know whether he will have been worth giving up the chance to have your own children for. Of course, you don’t know whether there is another man in your near future who would be willing to have children or whether you will be able to have children (not everyone can) so leaving him over this is also a risk. That said, it’s not something I would have given up for any man and I would have been willing to go it alone if necessary.

Naunet · 26/02/2023 09:06

I think if you stay, you’ll end up resenting him. You’ll be caring for his children whilst never having any of your own. If you’ve always wanted children, you are so incredibly likely to regret never having them.

Having said that, he’s right to be concerned about his age even if you did agree. His sperm quality won’t be as good as it once was, which could lead to complications including miscarriages. Just something to also consider if he was to agree to a baby.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 26/02/2023 11:40

He is a future faking arsehole, pretending he wanted more children to keep you on the hook whilst running down your fertility clock. I would leave and have a child, otherwise you may well grow to hate him.

MMmomDD · 26/02/2023 12:34

So - he told a younger woman's he is open to having children - so that she’d leave her marriage for him. And now he ‘changed his mind’.
Prince among men he is.

OP. No man, whoever great, is worth giving up having kids for. And especially not a manipulative man.
You are only 30. You have no idea how you would feel later on. And what regret feels like when it’s too late.
Men come and go in our lives. Kids are our kids forever.

Lefteyetwitch · 26/02/2023 12:36

MMmomDD · 26/02/2023 12:34

So - he told a younger woman's he is open to having children - so that she’d leave her marriage for him. And now he ‘changed his mind’.
Prince among men he is.

OP. No man, whoever great, is worth giving up having kids for. And especially not a manipulative man.
You are only 30. You have no idea how you would feel later on. And what regret feels like when it’s too late.
Men come and go in our lives. Kids are our kids forever.

The OP is not a victim here. She's a muppet but this is pretty much the karma most cheated spouses hope for.

If she was gullible enough to believe him that was on her.
She can either give herself a slap and sort her shit out or carry on and live miserably .

user1492757084 · 26/02/2023 12:43

lefteyetwitch. I totaly agree. You say it so succinctly.

drpet49 · 26/02/2023 12:45

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 26/02/2023 11:40

He is a future faking arsehole, pretending he wanted more children to keep you on the hook whilst running down your fertility clock. I would leave and have a child, otherwise you may well grow to hate him.

Oh calm down dear. She’s 31 for heavens sake. And he can change his mind nothing wrong with that. I don’t blame him for not wanting more kids at 41 and to be fair this should have been blinding obvious to the OP.

jimmyjammy001 · 26/02/2023 13:00

Quite simply you are both at different stages in life, he has allready Bern through having kids and is now just looking for someone to settle down with and you being child free is the perfect choice for him even though it means you having to sacrifice you ever having your own children, leave and find some one who is also child free and has the same outlook on life, it will just create resentment on your part later down the line otherwise

MMmomDD · 26/02/2023 13:03

@Lefteyetwitch

So - OP had an affair, and not deserving of impartial advice or empathy?
How do we really know anything about what actually went on.

The reality is - @anon948 - is a young woman at crossroads. She came here for advice, not to be told she is deserving karmic punishment for getting divorced.

Tiswa · 26/02/2023 13:05

Have you ever been single because I think you need time to sort out what you want without him

RunTowardsTheLight · 26/02/2023 13:08

Personally I would not have given up the chance to have children for any man and I would 100% have ended things with DH (who I adore) if he hadn't wanted kids. Obviously it's your choice though OP.

Lefteyetwitch · 26/02/2023 17:55

MMmomDD · 26/02/2023 13:03

@Lefteyetwitch

So - OP had an affair, and not deserving of impartial advice or empathy?
How do we really know anything about what actually went on.

The reality is - @anon948 - is a young woman at crossroads. She came here for advice, not to be told she is deserving karmic punishment for getting divorced.

Is she deserving of sympathy?
That would be for each individual to decide.

For me? No. This is literally the bed she's made.

SammyScrounge · 26/02/2023 18:39

drpet49 · 26/02/2023 12:45

Oh calm down dear. She’s 31 for heavens sake. And he can change his mind nothing wrong with that. I don’t blame him for not wanting more kids at 41 and to be fair this should have been blinding obvious to the OP.

Show quote history

Why would it be obvious when he said he was open to having a child with her? He lied.

OP, you cannot trust this man when he lied about such an important part of life. But you should have known he was.capable of lying after the way he must have lied to his wife as you lied to your ex.
You will never know the joy of having your own baby if you stick with him. Even if you had one, he is capable of abandoning both you and the child.
Think very hard about his track record.