Partner Doesn’t Want Kids

[anon948]

Sorry for the long winded post, I’m a newbie here but really need advice. I had the difficult discussion with my partner about kids. He already has 2 children from his previous marriage and at the beginning of our relationship we discussed being open to children as I have always wanted a child. We had this discussion early on as we had both just left long term marriages and wanted to be up front.

We are now planning things for our future and he admitted he couldn’t emotionally or physically handle having another child, he is also concerned about having another child due to his age. (For reference I am 30 and he is 41.)

We both left our long term marriages to be together (there was no infidelity)

I absolutely adore and love his children but obviously they are not my own.

He makes me happier than I’ve ever been and we are great together and the thought of losing him breaks my heart more than the thought of not having a child and after our initial conversation I told him I understand and I accept that decision but now as time is going on I keep thinking what if?

I don’t know if the answer is obvious or if I’m making the right decision to stay together as I worry that X amount of years down the line I might change my stance on it and won’t want a child then I have ended a wonderful relationship for no reason or I live to regret my decision when it’s to late to explore that option again.

thanks for any advice!

And has kids with her.

I think that's the chance you take when you get into a relationship with someone who has already done the whole marriage and kids thing. He's well within his rights to not want to repeat the process and bring more kids into a blended family. His existing kids certainly won't thank him for it.

It depends if you can bear to be childless or not.

OP you should never ever have mentioned the whole leaving past relationships for eachother. This thread will be derailed now and that’s all anyone will focus on.

Id delete this personally and start a new thread focusing on the child issue and not mentioning previous relationships in order to get advice on the actual issue.

Rubbish. If two people meet and realise they have feelings for each other the the morally right thing to do is to end their previous relationships before embarking on the new one. Which is what they did.
Realising you like someone else and that your current rely therefore needs to end is not having an affair.

Children are not something a couple can really compromise on because it’s so huge. My husband admitted on our honeymoon he had lied for our whole relationship and he wanted children and had assumed I would change my mind and want them once I was married. I was furious and ended the marriage there and then. If you want children and he doesn’t you need to move on before it goes any further and becomes more difficult to end things.

@Dery Not the main point but you were obviously both emotionally unfaithful to your previous partners because you ended your marriages for each other. So it’s incorrect and frankly a bit lacking in sensitivity (especially on a forum where lots of OPs have been left for someone else) to say there was no infidelity. There was
Good grief so MN is now so hating on affairs that when people do what MM tells them they should have done and ended their relationships when they realised they like someone else before they embark on anything then even that is an affair? So what do you suggest? Never ever leave anyone if you realise you have developed feelings elsewhere as it's an affair???
Grow up. These people did the right thing yet the self righteous are still not happy.

If you both left your marriages to be together then at best you were having an emotional affair, however you dress it up.
Yours was probably easier to leave as no DC ties. He however, jumped ship leaving 2 DC behind. He's actually proved just there that he's not one for staying with someone and working things out when times get tough. So no, I would not advise that he'd be the kind of doting loyal father you'd hope to have a DC with. Quite the reverse, it's put him off a repeat it seems as he's tried it, didn't like it . Do you know his exW - she could have an interesting view on how he is as a father?
I think it would be better for you both to see your relationship as an exit affair - something that shows you at the time what you are missing and gives you the gumption to end a disappointing marriage. These aren't great forever though,and you both will know that you left to be with another, which can hang over you like an insecure cloud.
A clean slate, with someone nearer your own age and preferably childless too would be a good aim for a happier future. Don't settle for baggage and restriction if you don't have to.

What will happen is your current boyfriend will find someone else probably much younger and have a baby with her very quickly.

How long have you lived together?

There is an 11 year difference. The OP is only 30. VERY unlikely he will go younger. He doesn't have a history by the sounds of things so assuming crazy levels if bed hopping is uncalled for

I agree. I was very maternal from the age of 16-20.

I'm with @journeyofinsanity on this one. If anyone decides to end a relationship due to developing feelings for someone else, irrespective of whether they've acted on them, they're deserving of a lifetime of misery? All shit that gets flung their way is some sort of divine retribution???

What sort of puritanical nonsense is this?

For what it's worth I personally wouldn't sacrifice having children for a relationship, no matter how great it may be. It wouldn't be easy to walk away by any means, but it would be necessary for my own welfare.

That being said it is dependent entirely on your own priorities, how much is it a dealbreaker? However, don't stay hoping he'll change his mind, you're setting yourself up for real heartbreak further on.

I was with my partner for 18 months when he decided he didn't want anymore children and was going to get a vasectomy. This absolutely has crushed me.

I have always been open I wanted one more child, we both have one daughter each from previous relationships.

After telling me he didn't want anymore, I have left him but am devastated, I saw this bloke as the one I was going to spend my life with. I just can't get my head round having the option taken away from me. I am 39 so I feel like I have no option other than to leave and go it alone.

Has anyone got any advice if you have been in this situation?

I have just left my partner of 18 months as he has told me he doesn't want a child together and is going for a vasectomy.

We both have one daughter from previous relationships.

Even though I have made the decision to leave I am heartbroken, I thought I would be with him for the rest of my life and my love for him was the reason I wanted a child together. I just can't seem to get my head round the fact his decision will determine my future if I stay or if I will ever love him the way I did before this.

Can anyone advise how to deal with q situation like this?__

OP - I know this is an old post so not sure how things developed since then. A few years ago I used to go to a chiropractor in my local area who was about 63 - 64 at the time. During the session we shared a few details about our private lives, he was a very chatty man.

He said he was married twice, with his first wife he had one son. Apparently his son was such a difficult child to raise that when he met his second wife he told her didn't want to have more children (she didn't have any) and he was also late 40ies. However she convinced him somehow to have a child and they were blessed with twin girls. And a few years later they had one more girl. He was an older dad but he said his girls were the best thing that's happened to him. One of the twins was helping at the Reception in his clinic (she was a teen at the time).

Men can change their mind sometimes.

If you choose to stay you need to be comfortable with never having a child with or without him.

This

Love doesn’t conquer all and just because you left your marriage for him doesn’t make him the right person. It sounds like he told you what you wanted to hear about kids in the beginning, probably banking that once he’d hooked you, you wouldn’t leave. Too old at 41, that’s some BS considering let’s face, you’d be doing the heavy lifting.

The thought of losing him breaks my heart more than the thought of not having a child

Well it sounds as if you have your answer for now, the issue being what happens if you change your mind

Apparently you "had the discussion about being open to kids" but it also depends what he actually said, and whether it was considered a definite possibility or just words to keep you onside

Overall, though, if there was any deceit involved in you getting together, my main worry would be a repeat, but with you left behind this time