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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SiL won't see me anymore.

37 replies

SalvationArmyCounters · 25/02/2023 21:00

She's told my brother that I shouldn't ever talk about how abusive our mother was. Our mother was a violent alcoholic who died last year. I had been NC for many years, my brother stayed in minimal contact, doing practical things such as arranging emergency hospital admissions and managing her finances. They visited her a couple of times a year.

I liked my SiL and thought we got on well so feel upset that is I'm no longer invited over and she's stopped joining us when we meet up. My brother says it's been helpful us talking about our mother and that I've been a good support to him as she was dying (a slow, horrible death from the effects of her alcoholism).

I'd like to sort this out with my SiL but don't know how to approach it. Or do I just need to leave it?

OP posts:
xJoy · 25/02/2023 21:11

Wow, that sounds hard. Is she in denial or does she want to have a positive vibes only family dynamic? My mum is like this. You're "crazy" if you acknowledge truths she can brush under a carpet.

She hasn't said she doesn't want to see you right, she has said she doesn't want you to talk about your mother. Two different things. Both hurtful though.

Can you have a "staple gun on the smile" relationship with them ? Is that what he wants? Can you agree to her whitewash-history-positive-vibes deal in return for being able to talk frankly with your brother occasionally??

Try not to react too definitively until your thoughts have settled.

Original poster
SalvationArmyCounters · 25/02/2023 21:45

Thanks for your reply @xJoy. Yes, my SiL is totally 'positive vibes only'. My brother and I still meet up regularly and I don't get the impression she's trying to stop this, just that she no longer joins us and won't invite me to their house anymore or come on holidays. I don't feel I can whitewash our childhood though tbh we don't talk about it all so much now. It was intense for a couple of years while she was dying but my brother has had bereavement counselling and I'd been NC for a long time anyway. But it will still come up occasionally and I'd feel really uncomfortable to have to totally censor myself.

OP posts:
Hope551 · 25/02/2023 22:05

Why does how your mother was have anything to do with SIL? It your mum... she is pretty out of order dictating how you express your own family history.... weird

Thelnebriati · 25/02/2023 23:18

There's a name for what she does, its called 'toxic positivity', and there's nothing positive about it.
To use an extreme example how would she cope if a child of hers was in a bad situation? Would she leave it all to your brother to deal with?

Cherrysoup · 25/02/2023 23:37

How come she gets to dictate how you should feel about your abusive alcoholic mother? Why is she avoiding you? Because she thinks you’re a terrible person for not wanting to be in contact with your not so dm? Or because your brother was dealing with her?

Dery · 26/02/2023 02:16

As a PP said, this is toxic positivity and it’s really inappropriate and controlling for her to try to dictate the dialogue that you have with your brother about your childhood. Is she responding to cues from your brother? Does she have something very painful in her past that she’s just trying to keep a lid on or something? Are your discussions pressing buttons in her that you don’t know about? If not, it sounds really odd. But I think it’s something for your brother to sort out. Surely he gets a say in family invitations also?

Dery · 26/02/2023 02:19

Maybe she does resent that you were NC and your brother had to deal with your mother as she was dying but she doesn’t want to admit that. That’s not right but it would be a fairly human reaction.

Led9519 · 26/02/2023 02:19

I wonder if there’s more to it but the talking about your bad childhoods is an excuse? Maybe she just doesn’t like you that much?
I wouldn’t bother trying to fix things she needs to come around to you on her own.

Inthetropics · 26/02/2023 02:41

Any chance she resents you not being present and your brother having to deal with all practical aspects of your mother's dying process?

greenspaces4peace · 26/02/2023 02:45

well if it's all you want to discuss it gets a bit tiresome and then when you go home she has to deal with any fall out with your brother.
obviously it's a bit difficult for her to deal with and you should respect that until you no longer feel the need to hash this out with your brother.
and just because he says it's helpful to get this out in the open, doesn't mean that what he is saying behind close doors.
he might be saying that to appease you.

PatsysBeehive · 26/02/2023 06:24

What was your relationship like before? Im assuming you talk about other stuff? could you ask your brother why she doesn't want to see you now? Maybe she's seen how hurt he's been going through it all and seeing you is a reminder of that time?

MichelleScarn · 26/02/2023 06:29

greenspaces4peace · 26/02/2023 02:45

well if it's all you want to discuss it gets a bit tiresome and then when you go home she has to deal with any fall out with your brother.
obviously it's a bit difficult for her to deal with and you should respect that until you no longer feel the need to hash this out with your brother.
and just because he says it's helpful to get this out in the open, doesn't mean that what he is saying behind close doors.
he might be saying that to appease you.

This I think, but then when you say My brother and I still meet up regularly and I don't get the impression she's trying to stop this, just that she no longer joins us and won't invite me to their house anymore or come on holidays.
She's not stopping your and his relationship, she just doesn't want to spend time with you, it's sad but that's her choice.
If it is all you talk about I wouldn't want my holidays to focus on such negative things, and it make her feel a third wheel?

Fraaahnces · 26/02/2023 06:32

I think you and your brother need to tell her it’s absolutely none of her fucking business what you talk to each other about. She didn’t grow up with the abusive mother and she has no frame of reference to decide what is helpful, nor is she currently experiencing the grief of the loss of the parent she never had.

autienotnaughty · 26/02/2023 06:33

Is she an anxious person? When i had bad anxiety I struggled with negativity and whilst I was trying to get better I did avoid it

frazzledasarock · 26/02/2023 06:39

What are her family like?

what’s her relationship with alcohol like?

if you don’t talk about your mum much now she’s gone, I don’t actually see any reason for her to make this rule. Agree with PP its really none of her business.

HaveYouSeenNancy · 26/02/2023 06:59

Our family was hit by a tragedy 23 years ago and one of my sisters talks about it, a lot. When I tell dh that she's coming over, he kind of deflates a little bit, because sometimes she makes me cry (after she's gone) or at the very least I'm very quiet for the rest of the day and not really 'me'. He avoids her when he can but neither of us acknowledge it. Could your chats affect his mood at home for a day or two? I'm not saying she's right, you should be able to talk to your brother about your shared history, but it might be why she's avoiding you.

Neverknowinglyunderbold · 26/02/2023 07:05

Dery · 26/02/2023 02:19

Maybe she does resent that you were NC and your brother had to deal with your mother as she was dying but she doesn’t want to admit that. That’s not right but it would be a fairly human reaction.

This

Threee · 26/02/2023 07:12

have you asked your brother why she doesn’t want to see you and what you can do to make things better?

Maybe your mother took over her life a while ago, what with your brother supporting mum, then working through grief. She sil wants to move on now?

is she cross you didn’t take some of the heavy load with mum? Was most of the worry and care on their shoulders?

CantFindTheBeat · 26/02/2023 07:34

OP,

What has your SIL actually said? Do you know?

It's hard to give real advice or opinions without it, and if SIL and you have previously got on well, it seems a bit one-sided to judge based on that main sentence.

By the sounds of it, you, SIL and your brother have been through a very hard time and will each be finding your way out differently.

CantFindTheBeat · 26/02/2023 07:39

Fraaahnces · 26/02/2023 06:32

I think you and your brother need to tell her it’s absolutely none of her fucking business what you talk to each other about. She didn’t grow up with the abusive mother and she has no frame of reference to decide what is helpful, nor is she currently experiencing the grief of the loss of the parent she never had.

Seems that SIL isn't policing what OP and her brother talk about, if you read the post.

And also seems that SIL had to pick up a lot of looking after abusive MIL when OP went NC.

Also seems SIL had a previously good relationship with OP, and is very supportive of her husband, and has been affected herself by their mother.

So I think your post is harsh, to be honest.

Neverknowinglyunderbold · 26/02/2023 09:24

The OP has benefited from emotional support from her SIL and brother but it seems she has given little back - the SIL has had to deal with the emotional stress as well as helping to care for OP’s mum. Yet all the OP cares about is her feelings. There seems very little acknowledgment of what her SIL must have been going through.

Treetopviews · 26/02/2023 09:28

I’m also on the fence here and would love to hear the other side. Which is of course impossible. I’m guessing if it was intense for a couple of years she’s got to the stage she can’t cope with it anymore and it may be having a negative effect on her husband too.

Starlitestarbright · 26/02/2023 09:30

Maybe you talking about it sets your dbro back and he struggles himself.

Yesthatismychildsigh · 26/02/2023 09:33

Or maybe she’s just fed up of hearing about it all the time you’re together? Is this a possibility?

drpet49 · 26/02/2023 09:41

Hope551 · 25/02/2023 22:05

Why does how your mother was have anything to do with SIL? It your mum... she is pretty out of order dictating how you express your own family history.... weird

This. Tell her to piss off.