SiL won't see me anymore.

[SalvationArmyCounters]

She's told my brother that I shouldn't ever talk about how abusive our mother was. Our mother was a violent alcoholic who died last year. I had been NC for many years, my brother stayed in minimal contact, doing practical things such as arranging emergency hospital admissions and managing her finances. They visited her a couple of times a year.

I liked my SiL and thought we got on well so feel upset that is I'm no longer invited over and she's stopped joining us when we meet up. My brother says it's been helpful us talking about our mother and that I've been a good support to him as she was dying (a slow, horrible death from the effects of her alcoholism).

I'd like to sort this out with my SiL but don't know how to approach it. Or do I just need to leave it?

I've had no contact with our mother for over 30 years, she threw me out when I was fifteen and stopped me seeing my brother who was a toddler at the time. He got in touch as an adult and we've built up a lovely relationship. I'm a recovering alcoholic, sober for many years now, and feel that I've processed all the childhood shit so thought I'd been a good support to my brother, rather than the other way round - it's usually him that's bought it up, for example when he's been frustrated that he couldn't stop her drinking, or has dealt with yet another collapse and emergency hospital admission, or our mothers said vile things to him.

My brother says that despite everything he still loves our mum and felt too guilty if he didn't help her. My SiL strongly encouraged him to visit our mum. She's very close to her large family. They're from another country/culture and she financially supports them. It's possible she judges me for not being the same.

It's only a small part of what we talk about but there were definitely a couple of years, before our mother died a few months ago, that it came up every time we met, because they would have just dealt with another crisis. Me and my brother talk about it far less now and often end up laughing about the past and our memories in a dark humour sort of way IYKWIM.

My SiL only knew our mother as a very ill and frail woman so I wonder if she doesn't believe the stories she's heard. Or maybe is just too distressing for her. I don't know if she's experienced family abuse too - it's not something she would ever talk about as she does like everything to be lovely all the time.

I'm meeting up with my brother in a couple of weeks so I will ask him, as a PP suggested, if there's anything I can do to make it better. I can probably avoid the subject around my SiL but if it comes up I'm not willing to pretend our mum was a good person!

I suppose the real problem here is that she hasn't actually explained why she has made this decision and unless/until she does, you are only really guessing her motives. I think she needs to be a little more concise if she expects her wishes to be respected.

It sounds somewhat that your DB may well need a break from the whole drama of your lives. You have a shared mother, but in reality were brought up as strangers if you left when he was a toddler. Your own alcoholism may well also be very triggering for him. It’s interesting that it was him who made contact with you and not the other way round - I wonder if it was your SIL who encouraged him to look for you? You have both had a hard life but his was made doubly hard by feeling obliged to look after his DM whilst you didn’t. He has had counselling, but now that his DM has died it could be that actually he doesn’t want any reminders of his life with her. You will be a constant reminder. It sounds like his wife is just trying to protect him from any more pain.

@Soontobe60 Thanks for your response but no, that's way off the mark. My brother and I have been in contact for nearly twenty years, I was in recovery before he contacted me and the only way my alcoholism affects him is because, he says, I've helped him understand her behaviour a bit and realise he couldn't stop our mother drinking. We see each other every couple of months and message between times - we have a good relationship.

He's met his wife about five years ago. I like her and thought we got on well but recently I realised she'd not joined us the last few times we met up so asked if she was okay. My brother said she didn't want to come along because she thought it was wrong for me to talk about our mothers abusive behaviour to me during my childhood. I asked him if he found it upsetting and he said he doesn't - he's straightforward and I believe him.

This won’t be about you really OP. It’ll be about her and how she relates to her family. - The way you went no contact with your mother/the way you openly discuss her problematic or abusive behavior might just be considered totally unthinkable in her worldview and so she doesn’t know how to reconcile you as a nice person she likes with these actions that she considers unthinkable.
You might be able to revive the relationship if it could be based on other things - so when you see your brother alone, mum is an acceptable topic, and if she’s there too you talk about other things.
I wouldn’t worry about it. Your relationship with your brother is still going fine, and you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

i agree with PP’s that perhaps it’s simply that your SIL can’t deal with conversations about your Mum right now for whatever reason and so she finds it easier not to see you.

I think you need to respect her decision - she’s not not trying to prevent you having a relationship with your brother.

I’m not particularly close to one of my BIL’s and vice versa. We wouldn’t go out of our way to see each other, but we’re both happy for DH and his sister to meet up as often as they wish.

I think maybe you're not considering that she's not going to want to sit and listen to it like a third wheel when you meet up. I can understand why she wouldn't want to come along if it's just the two of you. Have you met together as a 3 and not brought it up? If she knows how it goes, it's fair enough and doesn't mean she doesn't like you, just that she doesn't need to hear it.

I think she perhaps feels you are making excuses for not stepping up and helping with all the stuff she's had to do instead over the last few years.

It was your choice to go NC, she chose to help out, but can you see that the consequences of these choices might mean that she doesn't feel she can be sympathetic to you in this kind of conversation.

If you had a work colleague signed off with stress, and you were then expected to do all their stressful tasks - wouldn't part of you bristle if they kept talking about how bad it was for them? You can be a lovely understanding person but just too close and affected yourself to be able to sympathise.

If you want to get a good relationship back, be sure she knows you appreciate everything she has done for your DM and respect the boundary she's put in place for now.

@CatSpeakForDummies She wasn't my 'D'M, she was a violent, abusive alcoholic who destroyed my childhood, threw me out age 15 making me a homeless and penniless, and stopped me from seeing my little brother who I loved. Neither she nor I ever contacted each other since then, over 30 years ago. She died, completely friendless, with cirrhosis and alcoholic dementia, in her 60's. I have never 'expected' my SiL to do anything for her and I have absolutely no obligation to 'appreciate' anything she has done. I'm shocked that anyone could compare this situation to covering a work colleagues tasks.

I don't mind accepting my SiL's boundary, but I'm wondering if the right thing to do would be to make an effort to resolve the issue first.

I’d leave it for now, OP, but perhaps suggest some fun meet-ups in a few months, e.g., going out somewhere that the three of you would enjoy and making it clear that you and your brother won’t be discussing your Mum on those occasions.

That doesn’t mean that you won’t at other times, just not when your SIL is around. My family is v. different to my DH’s and there are things we discuss that DH’s family members never would-they tend towards the “always positive vibes” approach. Any mention of physical or mental illness or death freaks them out- addiction would be a difficult subject for them as well.

I can’t change them and I don’t try to.

I think it would be reasonable to aim not to dicuss it in front of her. If you agree to that, she might be happier to invite you to things. She could well be worn out with having to deal with it and wants to put it all behind her since she's gone. I can understand that. The more horrific someone is and the more negative effect they had, she understandably would want to move on from that.

Accepting the boundary WOULD be resolving the issue. Going on even more about it will alienate further. Just accept she’s sick of hearing about it every time she sees you.