How does marriage counselling work

[Remmy123]

How does marriage counselling work if one person is clearly the one that is in the wrong?

thank you

It doesn't. Marriage counselling is about communication and improving the relationship rather than finding who's "guilty".

There’s a series called Couples Therapy on iplayer that’s really interesting - I’m sure there was a couple on there where the man was clearly blocking things from working, and another couple who decided through therapy that it was best for them to split. And others who built a stronger relationship through therapy.

Thanks

my husband is the one with the issue and being a bully to me but he doesn't realise this

I just hope it helps us move forward and he can communicate better

Therapy wont help him learn hes a bully… counselling on your own might help you move forward though

Dont have counselling with a bully
Go on your own

It's not recommended to have joint counselling if one person is abusive. You might find solo relationship counselling helpful.

Start with your own counselling. I spoke to two initially, relate and then a local counsellor. Both were very clear, very quickly, that couples counselling wasn't the way forward, because stbxh was abusive.

Been there, worst experience of my life! If he's not willing to go in with at least 50% expectation he's in the wrong, save the money, time and heartache.

Thanks for your advice.

issues aren't as bad as some women go through but we parent differently. He likes to shout and if I involve myself by trying to pacify an escalating situation with the kids I am 'undermining him' and he won't speak to me for a day or so. He shouted at one of my kids as he didn't want breakfast (this was at 7am) I said he can grab something at school it's fine he isn't hungry this early but that was undermining. I got the cold shoulder all day.

he told me I shouldnt make my kids breakfast before school as I am making them lazy. They leave for sschool at 7.35am. Went on and on about it even though I was so upset about it as he was blocking me being a mum. My kids are at secondary but are unorganised - one has a condition so I like to ensure he is well fed. I still make them breakfast.

accused me of getting pregnant on purpose and was pretty vile about that for most of my pregnancy and when baby was born on and off accusations etc. 6 years on he has said he knows it's not my fault.

he called me stupid and an idiot and to shut up in front of my kids. The next day one of my kids called him an idiot (learnt behaviour)

yestetdsy he called me simple as I was trying to make up after an argument as I hate the not talking and because I thought he was in the wrong he called me 'simple' for not understanding his point of view.

I am a very emotionally intelligent person that friends come too when they need good advice I am not someone who just doesn't understand unless they are talking shite.

Despite the above (yes I know I sound weak) we do get on really well and I don't want a divorce. He gets a bee in his bonnet until I agree with him.

My eldest is noticing and understanding his behaviour is out of order so he is really going to jeaoidise his relationship with his son.

So joint counselling may not work? I wanted her to identify why he is like this and to help him to communicate better? I want to say al of the above to the counsellor with him with me so when it's said out loud and listed without him butting in the penny may drop he is the issue. He thinks it's my fault.

ironically my dad was like this to my mum so I am going down the same part it seems.

So much I can unpick from that - because I have had counselling.

It is verbal snd emotional abuse, and it is damaging. The pattern that you have to agree with him, otherwise you are undermining him. If you don't, he throws a few tricks at you - insults, silence and ignoring. It's all manipulation.

If you saw that growing up and recognise it, it is likely that you were trained and conditioned from a young age to rescue, keep the peace, and hide any emotions you had.

You then repeat the pattern in relationships as an adult.

The problem is, it is drip, drip, drip, with you keeping the peace and burying your own feelings, and it causes damage.

I was where you are. Nothing I said worked, he gaslit, twisted everything I said, lied, manipulated. And eventually, I snapped.

Please, get counselling for you. Look up narcissistic abuse on YouTube. Read "the Verbally Abusive Relationship". Just so you can understand what you are dealing with.

I'm good now, BTW. Been a journey, but I wouldn't go back in a million years.

As someone who has been there, I completely understand your fantasies about going to a counselor and your H finally listening and the counselor listening to and understanding you, and then getting your H to understand and the Penny dropping with him and it all working out, and you being so happy that he finally understands and everything gets better.

But that’s just a fantasy.

Counsellors aren’t magic. They can only work with people who realise something they are doing is not working, and who want to do the hard, painful work of identifying that and then the harder and slow work of changing. In other words, people who are very motivated.

Also, counsellors are not on your side. And a lot of them are not very good. Plenty of men end up enlisting the counselor against their wife.

All the support I got for my H he used against me. It made things worse.

And your problem is not how your H communicates. The problem is his underlying beliefs and attitude to you that is causing him to talk to you like that.

In fact, your last post is so similar to what I went through, I am triggered and laughing at the same time. 😂

Mine also complained for years that he didn't want the children. Apparently my hormones had tricked me into having them.

You can read stuff on narcissists and empaths, if you like. Watch Dr Ramani on YouTube. But the book is better. And a counsellor is best.

Thank you both such helpful responses.

I have found a counsellor that was recommended to me on a local mums site.

not sure how to quote but this @Saturdayafternoonnap really resonates with me:

'if you saw that growing up and recognise it, it is likely that you were trained and conditioned from a young age to rescue, keep the peace, and hide any emotions you had'

when my parents argued it was me out of my siblings that would get involved protect my mum and try and calm the situation down.

I really do not know what to do next ...

@Saturdayafternoonnap thanks I'll take a look at the you tube.

Yesterday I said 'sorry' for undermining him about the breakfast thing with my son and I said - but that's not really undermining is it? That's when he called me simple for 'not getting it'

I said ' are you sorry for anything'

he said 'I've done nothing wrong'

I want to say that I've got your hand through this.

What I did when I realised was to watch, and read, and learn. You'll manage that. I didn't want to crash and burn everything down, but I knew I couldn't carry on.

If you can get the book without him seeing, please do. I'm going to PM you.

@Saturdayafternoonnap thank you for being so kind x

No, it's not. It's about power, I'm afraid.

The pattern - he's in a bad mood. He wants to make you feel bad, or wants to feel more powerful than you. So he criticises. You stand up for yourself. He shouts/accuses you of undermining him. You don't immediately apologise so he sulks and ignores.

This is manipulation.

You then hate it, because you want everything to calm down. So you apologise, even though you haven't done anything wrong. He has one final dig. Then he resets, and you spend days questioning yourself and blaming yourself.

Absolutely spot on!!! Agree with everything you are saying it's really opening my eyes.

I've sent you a pm

I can identify with this so much @Remmy123, I'm going through something very similar at the moment too. I'd be interested to hear more @Saturdayafternoonnap

In counselling (and divorce mediation btw - experience speaking here) imagine a football pitch. In the eyes of the therapist/mediator you're standing each on one half of the pitch while they're standing right in the middle at the kickoff point. You're seen as equal. You each have your own "side" to the situation.

But when one partner is in any way abusive, and the other partner is genuinely wanting to find a way through the problems and make it work, the set up is different. You're actually standing on his side of the pitch, while he's in or near his goal., but the therapist/mediator and you don't realise this. Any compromise that's proposed/brought up to you doesn't seem fair, but it's hard to explain why. It's because you've already compromised a lot. You're heading towards his goal, thinking you're still on your own ground heading towards the while he's resting in his goal, agreeing to small compromises that cost him nothing.

Get therapy for yourself. Don't go with him. He can get therapy for himself if he wants to.

@daretodenim great explanation and sounds like I will end up suffering further if o go through with this.

he is booking it tomorrow and now I have to say not too!

@Dontpokethebadger sorry you are going through the same thing - I've just ordered the book suggested.

I forgot to add that over Christmas I lost it and had a bit of an out of body experience - I was bashing my head on the dining table very hard. I told my husband I felt suicidal. He did not know what to do he kept walking out of the room and back in again. It was so unpleasant. He drove me to feel like that.

my kids were at sleep overs so maybe I felt I could express myself a bit more so they wouldn't hear ..

The out of body thing - your body's reaction to the abuse. Google cptsd.

This is a journey though, it will be a lot to deal with at once. Just remember, this is not you. It's him. Stay calm, stay neutral, get support (friends you trust, counselling, GP), and just watch.

I've started the book on my Kindle this morning and it already seems helpful, thank you for the tip. @Saturdayafternoonnap

I'm going through this at the moment too and its so good to get some perspective. We're trying counselling too but I don't have much hope he will see how his behaviour shuts down any hope of resolution or connection. He also tells me 'i've done nothing wrong' so if I continue to let him know how I feel from that point on it becomes a conflict. Though I'm sure there's things I can do differently too.

@Remmy123
I recognise your out of body reaction. I cried when I read that. I have referred myself to mental health support but I think that actually I need to stop blaming myself.
Hugs to you