Am I just being needy?

[DWSDB]

So, I’m not here to slag my partner off 😂 he’s a wonderful guy in so many ways but he is also very busy and sporty.

We live together and I have a son from a previous relationship who he is good to. We both work full time and I work late one night a week that isn’t the same nights he goes out.

The problem is is that he has a lot of stuff that he does weekly that is basically sports, watching sports and this sometimes combines with the pub. This happens 4 nights a week religiously and he’s usually gone between 2-4 hours and depending on the season will go and watch a game on Saturday during the day. Sometimes he is home for 7pm but 2 nights a week it’s past 10pm and in all honestly I feel quite lonely sometimes.

In the past I’ve liked to go out and see my friends but as I’ve got older I’m not really bothered and just prefer being at home. I share my son 50/50 with his dad but he goes to bed at 8 and I often just feel like I’m waiting for my partner to come back after that and I’m just wasting life more than anything.

When we have argued in the past I have brought it up but tensions were often high and he said I was acting needy but I’m not sure if that’s true but please tell me honestly whether that is the case. My mental health jumps up and down and I know I can over worry about things or jump to conclusions that aren’t true. He’s been given a free ticket to go somewhere tonight and he had said he will take me and my son out tomorrow to make up for it and I’ve said yes but this means (as I’m working from home) I’ll be alone all day except for a few hours with my son tonight (which I love) but then alone until 11 again.

Am I being needy? If not how do I broach the subject without it turning into me being a villain. We are trying for a baby at the moment and he’s agreed he won’t go out as much at that point but I want it to start happening now..

Yes and no. You need your own life and hobbies, you can’t rely on a partner to stave your boredom. Also though you should spend time together doing things but you should have your own life first really. If you like staying in and not going out, you can’t moan he likes going out. You like different things and that’s ok.

You're acting like a parent with a child, he's acting like he's young and free. You're definitely not being needy, you just want more - but he's not willing to give it so he's making out there's something wrong with you. Red flag right there if you ask me.

If you work late one day and he's out 4 days and then one day at the weekend then i don't know when you even see him. It definitely wouldn't be a lifestyle I'd be interested in. It's fine to say that you need to get your own life but you have a child in bed at home so that's easier said then done. Anyway I wouldn't want to be out all the time either - I'd want someone who wanted to stay in with me.

Yes it sounds needy to me . It’s not fair to expect your partner to be everything to you . that’s not his responsibility to fill every spare moment you have .
it would probably benefit both of you if you reconnected with some of your own friends.

I think it hard to say. Other posters will say he needs to have his own life, and you yours... Which is absolutely true. But everyone's different with their needs and wants in a relationship and I think to be compatible with someone your needs have to align. Otherwise the relationship is simply not going to be fulfilling and not make you happy.

My partner is a very busy man, works long hours, has own DC and has friends, interests and hobbies. We would love to spend more time with each other however I also have a busy life myself. But we communicate consistently, he always makes plans to see me regularly, and when we are together it's very special.

What's your gut telling you OP? Is this sense of wanting more coming from a 'fear' or insecurity maybe? Or do you actually find the relationship unsatisfying?

Yes and no. 4 nights a week when you’re in a supposedly committed relationship is too much but equally you need to develop your own interests. You can’t just rely on other people to make you happy.

My partner is also very busy with sport etc, so I do understand this... I think filling the spare time with friends is really important - but also if you feel he needs to dedicate more private time with you then I think that's also allowed?

I don't really believe in the term 'needy' - we all have needs, so it never makes sense to me!

Don't have a baby!!! You're just not compatible at all. Neither of you is right or wrong. Some couples like to do lots of their own thing - he needs to be in a couple like that. Some couples like to do everything together - you want to be in a couple like that. Loving and liking someone isn't enough, you need to be compatible too.
I would also expect he only wants a child f someone else does all the work and he carries on his current lifestyle.

You really need a life of your own outside your relationship OP. It's not good for you to rely on one person to meet all your needs.

He does go out a lot though. I wouldn't bank on that changing with a baby in the mix. You need to make at least some time for each other.

Yes you are being needy. This is a man that so far hasn’t chosen to have children and there is no reason he should stop going out in the evenings just because you have decided you don’t need to go out anymore. You will push him away if you try and control what he does.

You just don’t sound very compatible. You prefer being at home. He prefers to go out. Neither is wrong. But you preferring to be at home doesn’t mean you get to insist he stays home too, any more than him preferring to go out would give him the right to insist you found babysitters / arranged childcare with your ex and went out with him.

Has the relationship just run its course, perhaps? You’d both be more satisfied with partners more like each of you, I suspect.

I wouldn’t say it’s needy, I would just say that you two have different needs and I’m not sure you’re compatible enough to have a child. You’re also asking how to broach the subject which sounds either like you don’t communicate well or that he doesn’t have the empathy / desire to really listen to you and understand.

I don’t think you should have a baby with him unless you’re prepared to raise it on your own.

Stop ttc. They don’t change.

Hi all thanks for your replies,

You are definitely right in that I do need to do more things for myself and if I’m honest I wouldn’t mind two nights a week it’s just four seems excessive to me. It might not for others, when we met I was out a lot more going to the gym and with friends and things but since lockdown I’m just not really bothered to but I probably do need to pick that up more.

Hes an ace stepdad and when we discussed having a baby it was very in-depth and this was brought into it and we agreed we can both have one night a week away doing sports or seeing friends or whatever and he’s not the kind of person who goes back on his word. I’m not questioning my relationship it’s more that I’m not sure if I have a right to feel this way if you get that..

For a while the 4 nights a week didn’t bother me but with me working a 5th and I’ve just had a minor operation it’s now that it’s a bit like… I kind of need you home to spend time with me.

Im going to speak to him about it now and ask if he can drop one night of rugby a week. For me that’s fair but we will see..

Agree re yes and no, if most nights he's back by 7pm I'd relish that time to decompress after work.
In the past I’ve liked to go out and see my friends but as I’ve got older I’m not really bothered and just prefer being at home
We're you seeing him at this point? If so I think it's a bit unfair to then say, I don't really want to go out and socialise now so you shouldn't either?

It’s the baby thing that’s making me think ‘Hmmm’. He reckons he’ll curb his busy social life once you have a child together ? He won’t.
You’ll become more and more resentful at being ‘stuck’ at home.

You say that you used to be like he is, and you went out several nights a week before Covid. But you've just gone off living like that. It doesn't seem fair to judge him for wanting the same life you wanted only a couple of years ago or so.

It isn't 'wrong'. He just wants a different lifestyle to the one you want.

If you had children together I would be more judging of him.... you have to give up on some of your social life when you have children, and you have to ensure that both parents get the same 'downtime'.

Equally, if he was leaving jobs around the house for you to do while he goes out, I'd judge him for that too.

If he'd suddenly changed from being a homebody to going out 4 nights a week it might be suspicious. But it sounds like you both used to go out a lot, and now you've changed and you aren't happy that he's not changed too.

Don't get me wrong, I totally understand it must be a bit hurtful that he appears to prefer his friends' company, and his hobbies, to being with you. That would bother me too. Have you put it in those terms to him? Tell him that having wants isn't needy (how come him wanting to see his friends 4 nights a week isn't 'needy' but you wanting to see him a bit more is?)

In the end, of you can't talk to him honestly about this without him accusing you of being needy, he isn't a good partner. It sounds like you don't get to see much of him anyway!

I don’t think you’re being needy. Whilst it is important to have your own hobbies and do your own things, I think four nights out a week is a bit excessive.

Do you really think he will reduce his time out when the baby comes along… I think you need to really think about this. Some men can be happy to have babies as don’t expect it to interfere with their lives so they can carry on with their hobbies as normal….

I’m not judging him for being like this, I like that he’s sporty and having time with his friends as my ex partner was very reliant on me and I didn’t like it. I also like one or two evenings to myself so I can do housework and watch sex and the city without him moaning about it 😂 but reading these I get I need to start building my own life more not just relying on him. Equally I do think four nights is too much and I’ve told him this. He’s said he will stay home one more night a week so I guess we will see!

I think you’re being unreasonable. This isn’t something new. You can’t ask him to stop socialising and doing what he’s always done as you can’t be arsed seeing friends and want him to stay home and sit with you.that’s pure shit.

So you only see each other two nights a week? I’d find that hard.

You don't sound very compatible and I would re think the ttc, especially if he pushes back to the point of arguments about the frequency he is out.
It's very easy for him to say it will slow down once baby is here but I doubt it and if he does it will cause resentment.

@Solittletimeforwine when we met he played once a week and watched it once a week. He just worked a bit later. We would organise our lives to spend 3 to 5 nights a week together. He’s changed jobs and the sport has gradually increased to this depending on when his friends needed an extra person on their team. It’s not been done out of malice but equally I don’t think it’s pure shit to ask him to drop a day considering we only spend 2 nights a week together at the moment.. one we usually go do a weeks shop on..

Op, if he prefered to be with you he would be. And you spend 3 nights togher, he is out 4 and only two of those nights he’s out last ten, the other 2 you said he was home by 7. So arguably he’s home those nights too. It’s two hours.

you asked if you were being needy and the answer is yes. It’s two hours on two of those nights and home by seven.

Why are you doing grocery shopping on one of your nights together??? Bloody boring

@Oopsiedaisyy cause every time he goes alone he always get the wrong branding of stuff and forgets things😂 I can’t go alone at the moment because of my operation I can’t pick up heavy things