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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pregnant in toxic/abusive relationship- help please!

34 replies

Freshstartneeded21 · 24/02/2023 09:54

I'm 31, currently 8 weeks pregnant and have been with my partner for 3 years. All I've ever wanted in life is to be a mum and there was doubts I'd fall pregnant, so as you can imagine it was a huge shock. I own my own property and currently live by myself. However, the last year or so, my relationship has become toxic. Our fights are really bad and nasty. There has been incidents where my partner has attacked me and police have been called. Also, whenever we argue, he calls me lots of names commenting on my weight/appearance, putting me down etc. He has tracked my messages before and destroyed my house. I suffer from really bad mental health and he often says I'm messed up in the head. He is very excited about this baby but I don't feel the same. I'm ashamed to say it but I've been considering a termination and spoke to the professionals already. I'm terrified that I will never get this chance again but honestly don't know what to do. Any help/advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 24/02/2023 09:58

You need to block him permanently. Make sure the police know the full story and that you follow up on action from when the police are called. Only you know whether to keep your baby, its a big decision either way. Speak to your midwife about what is going on as they will be able to signpost you to people who can help.

abigailsnan · 24/02/2023 10:10

Only you can decide about your baby and what path to take as to continuing with your pregnancy.
You need to go to Police and get a restraining order against this bully of a man,how do you think he will be with a baby if he is like this with you its not worth thinking about show him the door NOW.

Justmeandthedog1 · 24/02/2023 10:17

Could his excitement over the baby be excitement at being able to exert control over you? If you continue the pregnancy you are tied to him for the next 18 years. Only you can decide but this isn’t just you having a baby, it’s his inclusion for possibly 18-19 years. You could meet someone else, possibly have other children but he could stay involved with your life. Sorry it’s such an awful situation for you.

Original poster
Freshstartneeded21 · 24/02/2023 10:48

Thank you for your responses so far. I've recently been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder so obviously that plays a big part in my life. I'm struggling because when it's good, it's good and he's like my best friend. My friends/family do not want me to have anything to do with him so I don't know what support I would have if I went ahead with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Freshstartneeded21 · 24/02/2023 10:49

I have considered this fact also. He already has an 11 year old so I know he will want to be involved

OP posts:
Dery · 24/02/2023 11:03

That’s a very difficult situation to be in, OP, especially if you’re unsure whether you will have another opportunity to become pregnant.

However, this relationship sounds utterly toxic and wrong for you. Your mental health may well improve away from him.

There is a cycle of abuse involving periods of nice followed by truly nasty - but everyone can be nice when things are going well: that’s why an important measure of a relationship is how it is when it’s not going so well.

This sounds like a relationship which you should leave and the wrong relationship to bring a child into. You only have to read the threads on here from women who have had children with abusive men and the ongoing pain and anguish that causes including around access to and treatment of the children after the relationship has ended.

Only you can decide but from what you say ending the relationship and the pregnancy would be a wise course of action so there is nothing to tie you to him.

Waffle23 · 24/02/2023 11:20

I strongly suggest you go for the termination so he isn't able to continue trying to control you for the next 18+ years! It's so hard when you want to be a Mum, but believe me it's hard enough as it is without a toxic partner in the mix.

You could meet somebody wonderful in the next Few years and be so glad that you are free from the situation you're currently in.

Original poster
Freshstartneeded21 · 24/02/2023 12:53

I agree it is the wrong environment to bring a child in to hence why I do not want to go through with it. I can't help feeling so guilty though and that I'm being the ultimate cow by doing this as I will tell him I miscarried. I tried to talk to him about this being the wrong time and he got angry and said he would leave me if I had a termination.

OP posts:
Santasoorplooms · 24/02/2023 12:55

Him leaving you would be a wonderful gift. I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation. Look after yourself x

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 24/02/2023 12:56

said he would leave me if I had a termination. Well, two birds one stone.

Youve got time to meet someone who loves you.

Bananalanacake · 24/02/2023 13:11

It's up to you to make the decision, don't let him move in with you, sounds like you don't live with him.

Cokacola74 · 24/02/2023 13:14

Whatever happens DO NOT have his name put on the birth certificate.
If you have to say he's not the father / someone else is, do it.
Protect your child.

Original poster
Freshstartneeded21 · 24/02/2023 13:39

I just don't know what to do. I'm so angry at what he did when the police got involved because he broke down all of the relationships he had with my family and friends and therefore I cannot speak to anyone about this. And I still carry that resentment with me. He doesn't live with me currently as he has a child who he has every other week. I know he can't get a mortgage though as he has had financial issues in the past. As soon as I found out, I was really upset and that's not how I imagined I would feel.

OP posts:
Justmeandthedog1 · 24/02/2023 13:44

Freshstartneeded21 · 24/02/2023 12:53

I agree it is the wrong environment to bring a child in to hence why I do not want to go through with it. I can't help feeling so guilty though and that I'm being the ultimate cow by doing this as I will tell him I miscarried. I tried to talk to him about this being the wrong time and he got angry and said he would leave me if I had a termination.

What you choose to do is your concern — your body, your choice. And I think telling him you miscarried is a good idea— why give him more reason to kick off?
Then block him, walk away, you don’t need people in your life who harm your mental health.

IrisAtwood · 24/02/2023 13:46

You need to do the right thing for you. Never mind anyone else.
I remember the tremendous relief that I felt when I woke up after a surgical termination. My life would have been radically different - for the worst if I had maintained that pregnancy. I only wish I’d known sooner that I was pregnant, by the time I realised I had to have a surgical termination rather than a day case procedure with a local.
What is important is that you do the right thing for you.
And remember that the consequences of keeping the pregnancy are that this abusive man will stay in your life forever, and you will have a child to care for before your own mental health is stable.
Parenthood is hard enough in a loving relationship. 💐

Original poster
Freshstartneeded21 · 24/02/2023 13:49

Justmeandthedog1 · 24/02/2023 13:44

What you choose to do is your concern — your body, your choice. And I think telling him you miscarried is a good idea— why give him more reason to kick off?
Then block him, walk away, you don’t need people in your life who harm your mental health.

Show quote history

Yeah, I'm scared to tell him the truth to be honest so that was always my plan when I was considering that option. I think the only way I'll ever be free properly from this situation is if I end the pregnancy and then find the strength to walk away from him.

OP posts:
MaireadMcSweeney · 24/02/2023 13:49

If you have this baby your life will be very very hard. You need to know that when you make your decision. I'm a SW and work with women in very similar situations to yours and they do have really hard lives.

Original poster
Freshstartneeded21 · 24/02/2023 13:51

IrisAtwood · 24/02/2023 13:46

You need to do the right thing for you. Never mind anyone else.
I remember the tremendous relief that I felt when I woke up after a surgical termination. My life would have been radically different - for the worst if I had maintained that pregnancy. I only wish I’d known sooner that I was pregnant, by the time I realised I had to have a surgical termination rather than a day case procedure with a local.
What is important is that you do the right thing for you.
And remember that the consequences of keeping the pregnancy are that this abusive man will stay in your life forever, and you will have a child to care for before your own mental health is stable.
Parenthood is hard enough in a loving relationship. 💐

I received the package this morning with the medication I need to do it. I'm just absolutely terrified. I would love to be a mother but it's like you said, it will tie me to him forever.

I'm also scared because of my bpd and my own mental health is bad so that makes me question whether I would even be a good parent. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Freshstartneeded21 · 24/02/2023 13:53

MaireadMcSweeney · 24/02/2023 13:49

If you have this baby your life will be very very hard. You need to know that when you make your decision. I'm a SW and work with women in very similar situations to yours and they do have really hard lives.

Thank you for reaching out. I already know it will be extremely hard. The selfish part of me wants to protect myself and the baby by not continuing. But then I cannot even comprehend the fact I'm considering that.

OP posts:
Cokacola74 · 24/02/2023 13:59

You can have this baby without him OP.
Separate. Don't have him put on the birth certificate. Get yourself well away from this man and live your life.

MaireadMcSweeney · 24/02/2023 14:02

Cokacola74 · 24/02/2023 13:59

You can have this baby without him OP.
Separate. Don't have him put on the birth certificate. Get yourself well away from this man and live your life.

She can try. But he can get PR and contact through the courts fairly easily.

MumOf2workOptions · 24/02/2023 14:06

@Freshstartneeded21

To be honest if I was you I'd terminate and leave him and if you don't leave him that would be awful and if you left him and kept the baby he'd permanently be in your life

You know you can get pregnant now so when you meet someone lovely you can always try again

He's not even living with you this would be ridiculous on a number of levels

MumOf2workOptions · 24/02/2023 14:07

If your frightened aswell tell him you had a miscarriage

Do not have a baby with him you'll regret it forever

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/02/2023 14:11

It sounds like you know what the right thing to do is. For you, today, but also for your future self and the life you can have ahead of you if you free yourself from him.

weightstrugglinmum · 24/02/2023 19:11

Speak with women's aid and also your gp/midwife so you can access so much support at this incredibly difficult time. Especially with your own mental health issues, having support from specialists is so important. Sending big hug.