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Original poster

Sexless relationship

41 replies

drownshark · 24/02/2023 08:28

As the title says, I've been with DH for 16 years, like most people we had a honeymoon period, we were mismatched in experience, I didn't have any but I felt like it was always very one sided in what he wanted to do but I was happy to try anything. Gradually he lost interest, we had DS(10) and DD(8) and now we have sex 3/4 times...a year, and that's a good year! I used to try initiating it but quickly learnt if he's not interested, he can be quite blunt and just get up and walk away. He was completely turned off by my pregnancies so that was a dry couple of years. I've tried new things to spice it up but if I ask him later if that was ok, the response is just an ok so I'm not really encouraged to try again. I've brought it up a few times with him, each time is humiliating and he seems to understand that I'm at breaking point but then the months go by and nothing.

During the day he'll be very gropy and make innuendos but then...nothing. I've just become numb to any physical contact because I know it never leads to anything further.

Most recently he tried to brush it off by saying my sex drive was just higher than his and he said I wasn't affectionate enough so he wasn't feeling in the mood and feels an expectation to perform. But it just feels like he's deflecting the blame, I've been affectionate in the past and it's made no difference and he watches porn regularly, even when I'm in the next room.
And now recently he's been having ED issues so if I bring up the lack of sex he just thinks I'm complaining about that, I've tried to be reassuring but nothing changes and my confidence has gone.
I feel hopeless that I've stayed with him and missed out on so much. I'm not attractive (I'm not just saying that, my body is a mess from massive weight fluctuations and now 2 children), I have little hope of getting the sex life I want but being in a relationship without it feels worse than being alone.
I know everyone is going to suggest leaving but that doesn't feel like an option, I'm the main earner of the family now and I work far away. If I was to end it I would either have to uproot my kids to another part of the country or leave them here, they would hate me either way. I'm trapped and I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
MoonbeamsGlittering · 24/02/2023 09:19

That sounds really hard. I think a lot of people are ending up in this situation these days, but that may not be any consolation of course. Is there any way to get him to talk about this without him being so defensive? Maybe if you say that you'd love to work together to make this good for both of you?

AnotherDelphinium · 24/02/2023 09:29

It could be if he’s had a lot of experience the sex with you is just really frustrating and tedious. I’ve had this before, he was a lovely guy and tried to please, but just so inexperienced and a year of constantly having to give him instructions every time just wore me down and I called time on it.

Perhaps you could initiate a conversation after a few drinks and get him to tell you the best sex he’s had, what he really likes, what you do that he finds a turn-off etc?

Failing that, maybe you need to accept it’s over and where you go from here?

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/02/2023 09:33

You’re not trapped. You’ve got some tough decisions to make but you have options. Being lonely on your own is an awful lot less shit than being lonely in your marriage. And sex is important! You only get one life, make it the happiest one you can.

ArcticSkewer · 24/02/2023 09:38

Bearing in mind you don't want to leave right now, I would just work on yourself and being the best of yourself - give yourself plenty of love and self care. That might be your weight, or physical fitness, or hobbies, whatever you want to focus on.

With his sex drive, at this point I would give up. Who knows why he isn't interested... some men have a madonna-whore thing where they can't fancy the mother of their children, he may just have low testosterone or low libido, childhood trauma, is gay, who knows.

But you can only work with you, really!

NameChangeforAffairComments · 24/02/2023 09:42

In your situation I’d ask him about opening up the marriage. This of course goes both ways - he’d be free to look elsewhere too - but the danger is that you’ll meet someone you like a lot more and may develop feelings for your FWB.

Successgirl2022 · 24/02/2023 09:51

NameChangeforAffairComments · 24/02/2023 09:42

In your situation I’d ask him about opening up the marriage. This of course goes both ways - he’d be free to look elsewhere too - but the danger is that you’ll meet someone you like a lot more and may develop feelings for your FWB.

I agree.

Also, for safety, it would have to be 1 person at a time in exclusive relations with condom protection.

Successgirl2022 · 24/02/2023 09:57

Usually, the advice is 1) to start dating your spouse and falling in love again.

Hugs, kisses, and cuddles are allowed but not sex. When sex is a taboo it surprisingly becomes a need.

  1. He could also be addicted to porn now. If porn takes over his sex life in real life, he should if not stop it but at least reduce it to concentrate on you. Porn is blocked in our house for our teenage son who is 15.

  2. Getting into shape is very important. I am size 10-12 as I was when we got married 17 years ago in 2005 because I exercise regularly and eat well and healthily.

WagyuBeef · 24/02/2023 10:06

@Successgirl2022 That's really helpful, it's so easy to say just leave to someone else but it just doesn't make sense to use that as the first option.

Desire needs to be re-kindled sometimes.

DizzyRascal · 24/02/2023 10:11

Some of these replies. What am I reading? Is this Good Housekeeping 1962??
OP. It's never going to change. Your husband, aside from being a porn addled wanker, has no manners. He doesn't sound very nice at all. Plus, he will never, ever, suddenly, magically want sex with you. That is not under your control.
I am sure you can do better. There is always a choice.

Original poster
drownshark · 24/02/2023 10:43

Wow thanks for all the replies. So where to start...

He's always been into porn, but on his own and seems embarrassed by sex in general...but only with me. The porn he looks at is stuff I couldn't satisfy. He's happy to flirt with other women and when we first met he told me about all his previous partners. I admitted I watched porn and lots of his friends comment on how 'dirty' I am but I've just become a mother figure to DH.

He doesn't see the sex life as a problem, he said he just wants me to be happy and he assumed I was ok with how it was. But apparently me telling him I'm not happy with it doesn't change it either.

I've asked him what he wants out of sex and I just get told he wants nothing different, he's happy with how it is, I just don't know what to do, a couple of times I've tried something new and he's either just not mentioned it or once stopped me because he wasn't in the mood. Me getting any fulfilment doesn't even get mentioned.

I've suffered from EDs my whole life and had a bully of a dad, I exercise but I struggle to lose weight without getting into an ED. I'm a size 16, he met me as a size 12 but our sex life was pretty bad then as well so I'm not sure my weight is the issue, he has told me it isn't. I don't have big boobs which I know he likes and so that has always been a sensitive thing for me. I told him I'd considered a boob job which I think made him feel guilty but again hasn't changed anything.

Sex is already a taboo in our relationship, I don't think taking it off the table would make any difference, if he can go the last 7 months without sex I'm sure he could last a bit longer. I'd like to do date nights but part of me wants him to put in some effort. In the past I've booked weekends away and dinners and nothing happens, he acts like it's an inconvenience. I told him all this, which he was upset by, but he's not made any effort since, we went away to a concert he wanted to go to and that's it.

OP posts:
Oopsiedaisyy · 24/02/2023 10:50

Take a lover, seriously. If you really feel you can't leave.

Having a man desire and worship you and your body will give you the confidence you need.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/02/2023 10:53

"I know everyone is going to suggest leaving but that doesn't feel like an option, I'm the main earner of the family now and I work far away. If I was to end it I would either have to uproot my kids to another part of the country or leave them here, they would hate me either way"

Being the main earner and one at that who works far away are not insurmountable obstacles to leaving. Why would they hate you?. Stop putting up self imposed obstacles based on mere supposition rather than actual fact. They would not actually, they I think would be somewhat relieved that their parents awful marriage has now finally ended. Your children are not daft and pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken here, between you; they know something is badly amiss here. Being on your own in a marriage is indeed a dark and lonely place; its like a slow death by 1000 cuts and you and he need to be apart.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. Look at the crap you learnt about relationships when you were growing up; the facts you had a bullying dad, have EDs and you getting with this man are all interconnected. Your H is also a bully and inadequate man.

MoonbeamsGlittering · 24/02/2023 11:01

He said that he wants you to be happy - do you think that's really true? If it is true, would he agree to couples counselling with you? Or at least agree to talk openly with you regularly (not just once) about how sex is going for you and what you want and need? Lots of non-supermodel-women have good sex lives, whatever they may look like, because their partners actually care about their pleasure. There isn't anything wrong with you - the problem here is with him.

Successgirl2022 · 24/02/2023 11:11

WagyuBeef · 24/02/2023 10:06

@Successgirl2022 That's really helpful, it's so easy to say just leave to someone else but it just doesn't make sense to use that as the first option.

Desire needs to be re-kindled sometimes.

Thank you.

I am for trying to save a generally happy marriage if it can be saved.

I love the Marriage Helper YouTube channel and find it very useful for keeping our marriage happy.

Original poster
drownshark · 24/02/2023 11:13

MoonbeamsGlittering · 24/02/2023 11:01

He said that he wants you to be happy - do you think that's really true? If it is true, would he agree to couples counselling with you? Or at least agree to talk openly with you regularly (not just once) about how sex is going for you and what you want and need? Lots of non-supermodel-women have good sex lives, whatever they may look like, because their partners actually care about their pleasure. There isn't anything wrong with you - the problem here is with him.

I agree with this, he doesn't want me to actually be happy he just wants me to appear that way so that he doesn't have to deal with emotions. A pot plant would probably fulfil the same expectations as he wants from me.

I've not suggested couples counselling but I've tried counselling before and I struggle to be honest with them so it might be me that's the problem there. I'm also struggling to get over the humiliation of what feels like begging for sex! After our last talk I just feel more anxious than ever about every little move that either of us makes, I'd prefer to not have any physical interaction at this point.

OP posts:
MoonbeamsGlittering · 24/02/2023 11:31

@drownshark Really sorry to hear that. So are you saying that you're not sure if you really want to keep trying to rekindle things at this point, because you've had too much rejection? Unfortunately it doesn't seem very likely that he will change for the better on his own, unless something else changes to cause that. Do you think an open relationship might work at all for you? Otherwise I guess the only options seem to be stay like this, or leave, or have an inspirational idea as to how to ignite positive change.

Shallysally · 24/02/2023 11:42

I admitted I watched porn and lots of his friends comment on how 'dirty' I am but I've just become a mother figure to DH.

Does this mean that he discusses your sex life with his friends OP?

Also, re your size, I know that visual attraction is a big part of sex for men, but if he loves you then he should be having consideration for your feelings. He clearly does not.

This situation most likely won’t get any better. It will eat away at your self esteem. The issue at this point isn’t solely about the sex, it’s about your husband’s opinion of you. He is showing you who he is OP.

If you were in an open marriage would it really solve anything? Yes you would be having sex, but that wouldn’t resolve the other issues in your marriage.

Original poster
drownshark · 24/02/2023 11:56

MoonbeamsGlittering · 24/02/2023 11:31

@drownshark Really sorry to hear that. So are you saying that you're not sure if you really want to keep trying to rekindle things at this point, because you've had too much rejection? Unfortunately it doesn't seem very likely that he will change for the better on his own, unless something else changes to cause that. Do you think an open relationship might work at all for you? Otherwise I guess the only options seem to be stay like this, or leave, or have an inspirational idea as to how to ignite positive change.

I would really like to fix things but at this point I'm struggling on how I can do it. I think there must be a problem somewhere on his side but he's too afraid to tell me, either because he's embarrassed or doesn't want to upset me. If he has been happy with no sex for over a decade then I don't feel like it's ever going to change and that doubt stops me from being open. I'm too afraid to show any affection at this point as everything feels like a rejection and I know that's not helping things. I'm struggling tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
drownshark · 24/02/2023 11:59

Oopsiedaisyy · 24/02/2023 10:50

Take a lover, seriously. If you really feel you can't leave.

Having a man desire and worship you and your body will give you the confidence you need.

I would absolutely love to get myself a lover! Only ever really been with one man and haven't got to try anything new! But merely the thought of having to go out and find one is exhausting to me.

OP posts:
MoonbeamsGlittering · 24/02/2023 13:01

I can certainly understand that things don't seem massively likely to change if they've been this way for so many years. I can also understand that the risk of more rejection can seem bigger than the slight hope of progress so it's tempting not to bother. I think one thing that could be useful, whatever happens, is to try to find ways to boost your own self-esteem. Do things that make you feel good and spend time with people who make you feel good. If you feel more confident, and your self-esteem is more separate from his actions towards you, then you would be in a stronger position either to talk with him (and not be too affected if it doesn't go well) or to see what other possibilities might be out there in the world.

Oopsiedaisyy · 24/02/2023 13:32

Honestly, its not difficult, try sites like illicit encounters, apps like kik which have groups, or fab swingers

knittingaddict · 24/02/2023 13:44

DizzyRascal · 24/02/2023 10:11

Some of these replies. What am I reading? Is this Good Housekeeping 1962??
OP. It's never going to change. Your husband, aside from being a porn addled wanker, has no manners. He doesn't sound very nice at all. Plus, he will never, ever, suddenly, magically want sex with you. That is not under your control.
I am sure you can do better. There is always a choice.

Thank goodness some one said it. I thought I had wandered into a parallel universe by mistake. Apparently op is boring and tedious in bed. Don't really know what to say to that.

knittingaddict · 24/02/2023 13:46

Has the relationships forum been overtaken by the wankers from the sex forum? Not surprised.

Original poster
drownshark · 24/02/2023 13:48

knittingaddict · 24/02/2023 13:44

Thank goodness some one said it. I thought I had wandered into a parallel universe by mistake. Apparently op is boring and tedious in bed. Don't really know what to say to that.

Show quote history

I think I probably am a bit tedious in bed to be fair...

OP posts:
Shallysally · 24/02/2023 13:51

knittingaddict · 24/02/2023 13:46

Has the relationships forum been overtaken by the wankers from the sex forum? Not surprised.

There are often threads like this on the relationships board. I don’t see the problem?