Sexless relationship

[drownshark]

As the title says, I've been with DH for 16 years, like most people we had a honeymoon period, we were mismatched in experience, I didn't have any but I felt like it was always very one sided in what he wanted to do but I was happy to try anything. Gradually he lost interest, we had DS(10) and DD(8) and now we have sex 3/4 times...a year, and that's a good year! I used to try initiating it but quickly learnt if he's not interested, he can be quite blunt and just get up and walk away. He was completely turned off by my pregnancies so that was a dry couple of years. I've tried new things to spice it up but if I ask him later if that was ok, the response is just an ok so I'm not really encouraged to try again. I've brought it up a few times with him, each time is humiliating and he seems to understand that I'm at breaking point but then the months go by and nothing.

During the day he'll be very gropy and make innuendos but then...nothing. I've just become numb to any physical contact because I know it never leads to anything further.

Most recently he tried to brush it off by saying my sex drive was just higher than his and he said I wasn't affectionate enough so he wasn't feeling in the mood and feels an expectation to perform. But it just feels like he's deflecting the blame, I've been affectionate in the past and it's made no difference and he watches porn regularly, even when I'm in the next room.
And now recently he's been having ED issues so if I bring up the lack of sex he just thinks I'm complaining about that, I've tried to be reassuring but nothing changes and my confidence has gone.
I feel hopeless that I've stayed with him and missed out on so much. I'm not attractive (I'm not just saying that, my body is a mess from massive weight fluctuations and now 2 children), I have little hope of getting the sex life I want but being in a relationship without it feels worse than being alone.
I know everyone is going to suggest leaving but that doesn't feel like an option, I'm the main earner of the family now and I work far away. If I was to end it I would either have to uproot my kids to another part of the country or leave them here, they would hate me either way. I'm trapped and I don't know what to do.

There aren't replies like this usually. You are boring and tediuos in bed, need to make yourself more attractive or try cheating on him instead

The reality probably is he is watching too much porn, wanking too much, given himself ED from said porn and wanking. That isn't on you OP. It takes 2 people to have a good sexlife and if one is focused on the quick and easy release of porn rather than having to bother his lazy arse with an actual real woman then it is never going to work.

You are flogging a dead horse here. He won’t change and probably doesn’t want to.

I’d wager that he won’t agree to an open relationship either because he sounds like an arsehole.

I think you therefore have 3 choices.

Leave
Take sex completely off the table and then you won’t be disappointed
Have an affair which obviously isn’t ideal.

Are you saying that Op needs to lose weight for her H to be sexually attracted to her ? Or that in fact men are only attracted to slim women?

The problem is that I was brought up to believe this. I had no worth to my dad unless I was slim and pretty. I am neither of those so I was reminded daily about that fact and now unfortunately I can't help but blame my own lack of sex appeal for being in a sexless relationship. People make out that sex is the only thing men want but I've managed to find the only one who doesn't.

There aren't replies like this usually. You are boring and tediuos in bed, need to make yourself more attractive or try cheating on him instead

@CrotchetyCrocheting oh I understand now, sorry missed the point of that post.

Some men basically seem to be interested in porn-star-type sex. Other men are interested in having a real connection and mutual experience with someone they care about. I think basically you've been unlucky in ending up with a partner who is firmly in the porn camp.

It's not the thread or the op that I have a problem with. It's the strange replies, some of which sound like they come straight from the mouths of a man, rather than a sympathetic woman. There seem to have been more posts like this recently.

It's probably posters who want the sex topic hidden from active convos - unconvincing 'sexist man' posts

@knittingaddict, thank you. I’ve not really noticed that but makes sense.

Really? You think that's the mst obvious answer? Women pretending to be misogynistic men?

It sounds like you have a problem with misogynistic men in your life. You don't count people's worth by how much they weigh or how attractive you think they are do you? If you don't then why would you think your worth is entirely tied up with that?

Unfortunately excessive porn use is often the death knell to real life sex in relationships. Porn use often distorts reality for the user, it doesn't show real relationships with connection, it doesn't show sex that is enjoyable for both the woman and the man. Excessive porn use makes it harder and harder for the user to achieve arousal, that's why people often seek out more and more extreme porn as time goes on. It leads to ED. All of this is on your husband, not you. It is no reflection on you at all, it is a reflection on him and not a good one.

I understand that it isn't easy to leave relationships but this one is never going to be good for your self esteem, it's never going to fulfil you and you deserve so much more. An affair might be a temporary patch but when you crawl into bed at night you will still be faced with your husband.

Yup. There have been a bunch of absolute arsehole women trolling the sex threads the last few weeks. Then doom mongering about the sudden influx of men it would bring to the rest of active convos. Now this, and all posters pointing it out.

The sex board existed for years. Men aren't so stupid that they can only find it via active convos.

Guess that will get deleted for troll hunting

The reality probably is he is watching too much porn, wanking too much, given himself ED from said porn and wanking. That isn't on you OP. It takes 2 people to have a good sexlife and if one is focused on the quick and easy release of porn rather than having to bother his lazy arse with an actual real woman then it is never going to work.

I agree with @CrotchetyCrocheting he is only focused on what he wants in the most convenient way for him. He clearly has no care for how you feel.

Judging from my own experience and the many, many threads about it, it's much more common than you think.

It's been 3 years since I had sex, there have been tears, fights, solicitor meetings and talk of divorce. It boils down to being financially trapped. Neither of us can support our children alone. Neither of us can even get housing alone. We are trapped, or should I say im trapped. DH can clearly go years without having sex.
He uses porn too.

I now don't have any full length mirrors in the house, I can't bear to look at myself. There's no self esteem. I put a bravé face on for the children.

I know you said you are the main earner and are trapped as you work away but if it's financially possible, just leave. It's not going to get better, it's really not.

Quit now, whilst you have time to rebuild your life. My experience is he won’t change. I have had a near sexless marriage, 20+ years out of the 30 we have been together. Two children early on then next to nothing. Pleading for sex and affection, feeling unloved, unattractive and so lonely. Now nearly 60, facing working until I’m 70 to pay a mortgage on a tiny property, when I should have left years ago, and built up my finances over the last 15 years.