I'm having strange feelings about a strange situation and don't expect you to empathise, but a bit of time to talk would really help

[babyonboard]

Does anyone remember this thread?

To cut a long story short i thought I'd direct you there, it was me, I didn't post under my usual name for various reasons.

The people I really 'know' on mumsnet are on my postnatal board and are fantastic and wouldn't judge, so I may aswell be open.

I am having serious problems dealing with this at the moment, even though it's over a year on.

Have just read the thread.

What is it you are having problems with and what would you like us to try and help you with?

Have read thread - will try and help if I can

BOB, it must have been a huge shock for you. Are you having problems with other people making nasty comments, or the fact you just didn't know?

If the latter, I think you should go back to your GP, or another GP at same practice if they weren't sympathetic, and talk to them about this. I can see that it is something quite traumatic to go through.

Hi bob - one of my best friends sort of deliberately concealed her pregnancy so not the same situation as yours but she finds it very difficult around the time of her DS's birthday as all the shock and emotion comes flooding back. I think she re-lives the trauma every year. Is that at all what is happening with you?

It's not other people so much, everyone has accepted her as we would expect, although there are odd comments that set my teeth on edge.
Such as at my aunts house a couple of weeks ago when we were discussing pregnancy with my newly pregnant cousin , and I offered advice about SPD which I had with my first and she just sneered and said 'well we don't trust what you say anymore'

It's more just me, and probably silly feelings. Vwery small things such as recently we bought some big leather photo albums and spent a day mounting the best pictures of the babies. I just felt really sad that for DD we had no scan pictures, or pictures of her newly born (everyone was far too in shock to even consider taking photos for at least a couple of days)

I also worry about when she is older and maybe asks me for advice about being pregnant, what can I possibly say?

I also worry about how we never realised, both of us, what does that say about out relatonship if we lay in bed together everynight and he didn't even realise, and worse how I could not realise such a massive change happening to my body?

I feel so sad for you that you are having such worries. Ignore other people being stupid and mean and as for your DD, if IIRC you have other children so you can talk about their pg.

I can, but Ij ust worry that at the time when this comes up she will be teen/ pre teen and probably wildly emotional and may use this as a weapon, or just be deeply hurt by it.

Agree with what Aitch said on your original thread about how special her birth story is and how you can make it into a fantastic, exciting thing for her. Maybe you could write her story down and post that into the album?

Unfortunately some people will make comments that they find amusing but obviously you don't. They will more than likely be people who you don't know very well.

You will of course be able to offer advice about being pregnant as you knew beforehand with your first and have given birth twice so will be able to go into that in gory detail!

We go through phases of the picture thing, there might be loads of ds at age 3 for example, but only a couple of dd at the same age. I do notice we take more pics now - with camera phones - than we did when ds was little (he's 13 now).

Stop worrying! What has she got to use as a weapon? Some children are just meant to surprise us and she was your lovely surprise. That is all you need to say to her.

I guess some people have totally problem free pregnancies and yours was an extreme example of that. My friend's DP and parents didn't realise either if that helps at all. Would doing some Google medical research into other similar cases be useful? Your situation is unusual but not by any means unheard of. Perhaps reading about the same thing happening to other women would be a tiny bit of comfort?

Don't blame yourself or your dh. Your body and brain for some reason decided not to tell you what was going on.

Teenagers will always try and be hurtful - I am gearing myself up for the 'i hate you' moments. If you can prepare yourself then that's half the battle. If that is all she has to throw at you in a teenage strop moment, then you shouldn't have too much to worry about.

Didn't mean that last sentence to be flippant by the way

Well, you'll be far less likely than many mothers to assume that all pregnancies are the same and pooh-pooh her own experience -- that's a good start. And as you said yourself, you've got plenty of experience from your first pregnancy.

Really, I think as she gets older she's far more likely to think it's a really cool story that more than makes up for the absence of scan photos. And the first photos there are of me are from when I was three days old, and I've never been bothered by that (in fact, never really even realised there weren't any earlier until I was scanning in childhood photos this year).

I would not be standing for the "odd comments" from your relations, though. You deserve better than that and it can't be helping your self-esteem.

Thanks. I have looked it up but all I could find were examples of teens who deliberately hid it, or similar.
Though I'm not very good with googling.

I keep trying to remind myself she is the best thing that could have happened to us, her and DS have the best relationship and play with each other all day, and we love her so much..
I just feel desperatly sad about it sometimes and wonder how the hell it could have happened.

A friends mums first reaction was 'but surely that only happens to stupid people'. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at that statement.

People are thoughtless and hurtful and IMO that makes them the stupid ones. She sounds a very lucky girl to have such a lovely family.

Sparkletastic, I'd be interested to hear ore about how your friend is dealing with things, though it's not the same situation it is similar

This may be of interest (although there are some very annoying comments from an NCT spokeswoman at the end). The study it refers to can be found here (Conclusion of the researchers is that "deliveries in which the woman has not been aware of her pregnancy until going into labour occur about three times more often than triplets").

Here's one example (or rather two).

Another example.

I agree with Portlemon - make a special album for her - put hand written thoughts in and make her feel special - its an amazing story - our neighbour was very similar - she thought though that she was on the menopause - her DS is now in her 20's!!

I had my 4th DS just before I was 41 and because of a 15 year gap I was gobsmacked to even be having another baby.

People still say things to me like 'I bet he was a big shock' 'thats what I call an accident' - even in front of him.

Now we make a big joke of it and when people comment we just say 'He is the nicest suprise I have ever had'

Please dont worry about stuff that can easily be solved - get writing and making her a special album x

i cannot even imagine the shock of that all and my heart goes out to you.

i am not sure what to advise on but i have read many times about similar stories.

Hello BoB - it's clear you have had a serious birth trauma, and the ripples of the trauma are running wild through your imagination, your conscious and unconscious. My situation was completely different to yours, but the outcome seems roughly the same. A baby difficult to bond with, no pictures of baby in early days and questions over my relationship. I just had a really traumatic birth, and I mean a really REALLY traumatic birth which ended in emergency c-section and no breastfeeding past day 4. Because it was so obvious what had happened to me, a wise friend got counselling for me immediately. It was emotional freedom technique - I thought it would be a load of bollocks but 4 hours later I felt a huge weight had been lifted of my shoulders. The 4 hours was how long it took for me to be able to say "I completely and utterly accept myself" without choking, sobbing or breaking down. I think it sounds like you need to go on a similar journey with regard to your pregnancy. There are many issues, but clearly shock and self hatred/disgust are in there somewhere. You are really asking "what is wrong with me" "Am I some kind of nutcase not to have known". You seem to be looking for deeper psychological reasons why this has happened to you, and honey, I bet you anything it's just plain of physiology that done this to you, and the sooner you can lay it at that door the better for you. Would you consider a session with a counsellor? Sorry if this has already been covered on the thread.

hey babyonboard

have had a scan of the other thread and this one

my heart goes out to totally.

it is almost a bereavement, in a way.

you are perhpas grieivng for a pregnancy and birth , and all the feelings and happiness that go with it, that oyu can never recreate or recapture

must be an inordinate sense of loss

i hope that you get specialised help to get thorugh this, and work thorugh all the feelings that must be swirling around at this time.

any it must make it doubly, triply hard to come to terms with it when you are dealing with thoughtless and judgemental comments from others

am not sure what to say, except that talking about it must be an important first step x

There is a girl on another forum I use who went to her gynaecologist concerned because she was losing fluid and was flabbergasted to be told she was approximately 25 weeks pg. She had to go straight to hospital as the fluid was her waters. The baby was delivered some days later and obviously in hospital for weeks.

Of course something likethis is going to throw you, and people's reactions won't help. I would say you do need some counselling.