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Original poster

How quick should relationship progress

57 replies

Moving92 · 23/02/2023 14:53

I will try to list the relevant details. Just wondering for thoughts and opinions on how quick a relationship should progress in these circumstances

Known dp 1.5 years, got together 3 months ago officially . I'm 30, DP is 38. I would like a child before 35. Living situations - about 40 minutes travel between us currently. He lives with parents but has substantial savings, didn't see the point in moving out alone and saved instead. I live in my own house alone, probably own about 70% of the house the rest is mortgaged. Neither of us have children. Both work from home 95% of the time. Both earn similar amounts
I would make him sign something to say he can't take any equity from the house for some time and then it would be nice if things worked out if he paid the rest of the outstanding mortgage and gets a percentage of the equity later down the line

This is all theoretical, depending on how things play out. I am interested to see what people think of the questions below

How quickly would you move in together
How quickly would you consider adding to house deeds/paying off mortgage so it's a joint asset
How quickly would you have a child

OP posts:
Original poster
Moving92 · 23/02/2023 15:08

Just a note, I wouldn't expect him to pay anything towards the mortgage just 50% of the bills/food if he moved in. I would only put him on the deeds if he was happy to put the savings in to pay off the rest of the house. Also not interested in marriage

OP posts:
Endofdaysarehere · 23/02/2023 16:41

I’ll go ahead and say it, although I’m sure the next poster will say I’m wrong….you’re mad to consider having a child with someone you are not married to.

Its a very important piece of paper that will protect you and your assets should you split in the future.

You don’t need a big wedding, but do need legal protection.

As for how fast the relationship should move, I guess it depends on how committed each of you are.
A wedding would also help sort this out.

Original poster
Moving92 · 23/02/2023 16:54

In fairness I own more than him, a marriage would put my assets more at risk not less. My house is worth more than his savings so in a 50% split I would lose out.
I'm not planning on being a stay at home parent if I have children, so that's not a concern if we had children and split, I would still keep my house, I would have to buy him out of his portion of the equity but could get a small mortgage, so marriage is not on the table. I don't think he would be opposed in the future, but it's simply not worth it for me and I'm not religious so it holds no importance beliefs wise

OP posts:
Reugny · 23/02/2023 16:55

Endofdaysarehere · 23/02/2023 16:41

I’ll go ahead and say it, although I’m sure the next poster will say I’m wrong….you’re mad to consider having a child with someone you are not married to.

Its a very important piece of paper that will protect you and your assets should you split in the future.

You don’t need a big wedding, but do need legal protection.

As for how fast the relationship should move, I guess it depends on how committed each of you are.
A wedding would also help sort this out.

Not if she owns most of the house they are living in.

If the marriage fails in 5 years and they have a child he has a claim to part of the house.

Remember the OP is 30 not 50, and so is expected to work until about 69.

Reugny · 23/02/2023 16:56

OP glad you are sensible. :)

Original poster
Moving92 · 23/02/2023 16:57

@Reugny haha thank you 🙂

OP posts:
Reugny · 23/02/2023 16:58

How quickly would you move in together?
How often does he stay over at yours? As you own your own house he will probably slowly move in.

How quickly would you consider adding to house deeds/paying off mortgage so it's a joint asset?
I wouldn't until you have had your child.

How quickly would you have a child
As you are 30 wait 2 years.

Original poster
Moving92 · 23/02/2023 17:01

He stays around once a week as it is 40 minutes each way, so evenings after work we don't see each other. Tends to be weekends or we might have an extra day if our annual leave coincides

OP posts:
Reugny · 23/02/2023 17:03

Off his own back he needs to want to stay over more or bring it up with you that he wants to see you more.

monomatapea · 23/02/2023 17:05

Does he want children?

Musicaltheatremum · 23/02/2023 17:06

My now husband lived 40 minutes away and we saw each other every day after a couple of months taking turns to come to each others houses. Once a week wouldn't have been enough for me to move the relationship forwards.

Original poster
Moving92 · 23/02/2023 17:19

He says he does want children

We have been on a few long weekends away together and a one week holiday. So it's not strictly once a week all the time

OP posts:
JengaCupboard · 23/02/2023 17:29

This seams like VERY heavy stuff for a person you have been dating for 3 months, and only seeing approx. once a week... I'm all for being sensible as my position was similar - my DP is my legal tenant (and has been for 2.5 years) and I have no plans to change the equity situation any time soon. Don't rush things just to tick boxes - kindly, how well could you know this is even the right guy? It's good to have a plan but honestly I'd cool down for at least 2 years to see if this/he is really what you want, and not just what you think you should be doing/life stage etc.

stealthninjamum · 23/02/2023 17:48

I moved in with exh after we’d been together about three years. I was selling a flat and he had a house with a mortgage. When I tried to buy half the house the solicitor said I’d have to pay stamp duty on the half of the house I was buying, fees for the legal work and perhaps some to the mortgage company. I can’t remember the details as it was 20 years ago. Anyway the solicitor suggested it would be cheaper to get married! I have a feeling it would’ve cost about £3,000.

Original poster
Moving92 · 23/02/2023 18:18

Not planning on moving him in immediately. I have known him prior to getting together so it's not a guy I had a first date with 3 months ago 😂

Just wondering about sensible timescales, if things continue to go well

OP posts:
Goatbilly · 23/02/2023 20:54

Is the only reason you want to progress things with him because you want children?

Fmlgirl · 23/02/2023 21:55

I’m going to say something no one else has mentioned: I met a man at 30 who was 35 at the time. I had lived independently since I was 19, he had never moved out from his parents. Don’t underestimate the vast differences you will encounter when trying to make a home with this guy. He probably doesn’t have a real concept of day-to-day living expenses, chores or life admin. These are all valuable life skills you pick up by living independently. Your guy has been spoilt being able to save so much money while living at home.

Me and the guy I mentioned split up. There were many other problems between us but the differences between our life experiences and being independent were huge.

CrystalTripsWithAlistair · 23/02/2023 22:34

Has he always lived with his parents though OP? All 38 years?

CrystalTripsWithAlistair · 23/02/2023 22:38

Moving92 · 23/02/2023 16:54

In fairness I own more than him, a marriage would put my assets more at risk not less. My house is worth more than his savings so in a 50% split I would lose out.
I'm not planning on being a stay at home parent if I have children, so that's not a concern if we had children and split, I would still keep my house, I would have to buy him out of his portion of the equity but could get a small mortgage, so marriage is not on the table. I don't think he would be opposed in the future, but it's simply not worth it for me and I'm not religious so it holds no importance beliefs wise

I’m in a similar position where marriage would actually be a bad move financially. It gets frustrating how people tend to automatically assume the female is the worse off party. You are indeed sensible.

Ikeameatballs · 23/02/2023 22:46

Has he never moved out of his parental home? I would really want to explore that more, for me it has implications far beyond him saving money:

  • understanding the domestic chores that need to be done each day/week/month
  • understanding life admin eg council,tax, insurances, mortgages
  • his relationship with his parents; good and supportive or enmeshed and entwined?
  • just the basic sharing of space with an adult partner?
Tigp · 23/02/2023 22:48

12 months but seeing him once a week isn’t enough.

baby - minimum 2 years

other stuff - after baby.

Successgirl2022 · 23/02/2023 22:55

Every couple is different. Our romantic Love Story:)

We lived in different countries. Met online, were talking every day for 2 months, then we met for 1 week.

Got engaged in 5 months, got married in 9 months, and had our son in 18 months.

We've been hopefully happily married for 17 years, our son is 15, and will be 16 in April.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 23/02/2023 23:07

I’m all for being sensible and planning…..but, shouldn’t you be desperate to spend a bit more time together at this stage in the relationship? All this working out about finances and contracts rather than your heart beating faster when you think about him? One night a week doesn’t sound as if either of you is that committed, tbh.

verballyincompetent · 23/02/2023 23:31

I met my fiancé when I was 31. He was 38 - owned his own home and I rented - lived an hour away. We moved in after a year - after a couple of months we spent Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights together. I wouldn't have felt comfortable any earlier than that. After 2 years we got engaged (and I specifically had said I wanted to live with him for a good amount of time to check we were compatible as it's so different to just dating) - will be married at 3 years so hopefully pregnant by about 35 for me. We were very much on the same page and once we got pretty serious about 6 months in we were both open and honest about timescales etc. but tbh 3 months does seem very early for that..

Bunbuns3 · 23/02/2023 23:38

CrystalTripsWithAlistair · 23/02/2023 22:38

I’m in a similar position where marriage would actually be a bad move financially. It gets frustrating how people tend to automatically assume the female is the worse off party. You are indeed sensible.

Show quote history

Agreed! I have been with my dp for 12 years, we have DC's 5 and 1. I own my house outright which I had before meeting dp. Marriage would be a massive massive gamble on my part, not only would I stand to lose so much if the marriage failed, my DC's would also potentially lose their home that I alone have provided for them. Marriage is not always best for women although Mumsnet would have you believe otherwise. We are lucky to live in a time that you can have children without being married without the stigma. Sometimes it is best to be sensible.

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