Is husband a control freak or am I the problem?

[Milenacaldo]

Please can anyone help or advise as I’m so lost as to what to do anymore with regards to my partner. He is controlling but he does it in such a covert manipulative way I didn’t actually realise I was being controlled until the last year. He has all these unspoken/unwritten rules made up and if me or the children don’t abide by it we are in the wrong.

One incident this evening made me lose it as I just quite simply had enough. He has this rule where our daughter can’t go on her phone until 7pm, that’s not the issue at hand although he just makes these decisions all the time without speaking to me regarding the children.

The problem caused tonight was apparently I didn’t adhere to the rule as I let her go on it to finish watching 10 minutes of a movie on Netflix we were watching earlier and her baby brother was watching something on the TV so I said she could have the phone to finish the movie. He comes charging down, questioning me in front of her “why is she on the phone?” I explained my thinking and he wasn’t listening and started saying no she can’t have the phone at all now! which in turn made her upset and she burst into tears so then he started shouting at her which I then told him to stop and I shouted out of frustration and apparently now he’s so angry at me that I shouted and he’s not talking to me or the children and is giving us all the silent treatment simply because he wants to always dictate how we live our lives and control such trivial things. He doesn’t care about the impact it’s having on the kids and I’m just so done. How is he able to twist things everytime to make me look like the one who’s done something wrong and when I react to his controlling behaviour I am the issue??!!

Get rid

Report to the police and get divorced

It will get worse and worse

Yeah, he’s abusing you and your children.

No, you're not the issue. He's a controlling arsehole. Ask him why it's him who gets to decide 'the rules'. Or, better still, LTB. I bet that incident is the tip of a big iceberg.

He's only got the power you are allowing him to have. Carry on with your life as though he doesn't exist - give your daughter her phone, turn the music up, order a takeaway and dare him to stamp his little foot as much as he wants.

Call him out on this BS. Why does he think he gets to make the rules and police you. This is coercive control and the whole silent treatment is to punish you and get you to fall back in line.

Yeah, that definitely sounds like controlling abusive behavior. What do you want to happen OP?

Who made him your boss?

Leave him to sulk by himself and just carry on with your evening. Better still, just leave him, he sounds awful

I know this post was made in good faith, but please don’t do this. He’s not a rational person, he might get violent and it’s not worth the risk. You need to leave quietly, he’s a terrible father and a controlling, unstable arsehole of a man.

Your post is again in good faith but it's giving the OP the idea that she should be scared of him. She shouldn't.

You really can’t know that. Men like that often escalate if they start losing their control, I just don’t think it’s worth the risk, there’s children to be considered too.

How can you possibly say that with such authority? You know next to nothing about this man.

What we do know is he is terrifyingly and irrationally controlling, making up bizarre rules for them to live and fail by, at which point he issues punishments.

I think that sounds like abusive and controlling behaviour that may well escalate if the OP starts to push back.

Have you ever been in this situation? Have you been battered, almost ran over and/or pushed down the stairs because you broke "the rules"? If not, shut up.

Christ alive, how can we have created a world where someone going through what the OP describes, doesn't know this is absolutely outrageous behaviour from a bloke?

"he’s so angry at me that I shouted and he’s not talking to me or the children and is giving us all the silent treatment"

Sounds more like a man who's got no other option other than to sulk but the OP is the one who is best placed to know whether to ignore him or call the police.

Your daughter is considerably more at risk of ending up in an abusive relationship as an adult when exposed to this type of behaviour as a child.

Your relationship is toxic and he's abusing you and your children.Please contact woman's aid and if you can afford it a solicitor to find out where you stand legally.

It's the first one. Your husband is an arsehole / control freak. Been there and done that. It's his issue and problem and not yours.

Phone Women's Aid - 029 2023 9585
Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline - 080 8200 0247
Phone your local Citizens Advice Bureau.
Phone your local Domestic Abuse Centre.

This is abuse. Plain and simple domestic abuse. Coercive control and emotional abuse. I bet if he's controlling little things like an extra 10mins on a phone then he's super controlling about money and decisions about the house.

Have you changed your behaviour because you are afraid of his reaction? Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells around him? This is domestic abuse, its not just being hit. Abusers justify their behaviour by creating reasons to blame the victim, they cannot take responsibility for their own behaviour. He's angry at you because you dared to shout back and question his ridiculous "rules". Bullies don't like being questioned. Or to put it really simply - HE can't be wrong so YOU must be.

Please, please, please get your children away from this man before he wrecks their mental health. Get them seen by your local domestic abuse service so they can have support to understand none of this was their fault. They will help them learn what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship and not make the same mistakes in their own.

You say you are done, so I presume you want to end the "relationship" and leave your abuser.

Get in touch with Universal Credit to see what you are entitled to, even if you have to continue to share a house for the moment.

Get in touch with Child Maintenance Service the minute you can. He will not be reasonable regarding maintenance. For some reason they always view it as money for the woman.

See you GP they can get on the list for support and food bank etc if needed.
Phone the Police if you feel threatened or if his behaviour is unreasonable.

There is lots of help out there, lots of organisations ready to get you away from him. How old are your children?

Your life will be amazing without him in it and your children will be eternally grateful to you for getting them away from him.

Give her time, just because you don't live in a dictatorship, your post will frighten her that she's allowed this to happen, victim blaming.

Op, the pp are correct, don't stand up to him or antagonise him, if he is so controlling over such minor things this is going to be a very unpredictable man if he loses control.

Keep safe, keep your children safe.

Take the excellent advice from above, now is the time to gain advice and support.

Your natural instincts of protecting your children has kicked in, you are a good mom.

@WidthofaLine that's a fair comment

The line between domestic control like this and outright domestic violence can be very, very thin and the OP should definitely be wary of him.

@anythinginapinch Unfortunately abusers are extremely skilled at control and manipulation. They make you question everything and gaslight you until you don't know which way is up. You no longer think like a normal person because you are not dealing with a normal, reasonable partner.

When you get away it's like coming out from under a stone into light. Consequently the guilt and shame you feel for allowing you and your children to be treated like this is immense. The OP probably has Complex Trauma PTSD too.

Being abused alters your brain chemistry. The neurochemicals are so messed up it is impossible for the victim to make logical decisions. Cognitive dissonance and Trauma Bond stop normal reasoning.

Hopefully as Domestic Abuse and things like Coercive Control and taught more in schools, then maybe, fingers crossed, there will be less of us that tolerate being abused.

He doesn’t care about the impact it’s having on the kids and I’m just so done
good. He is an abusive bully. Your children deserve better. That is no way for them to live.

I agree she should get rid, he sounds awful.

but report what to the police?

He does sound like a control freak and a bully and you must all be walking on eggshells around him. The silent treatment is also abuse and it will only get worse. Ask him to leave while you have some time to think as do not think you will miss him at all. Talk to Women's Aid also as they will help you put it all into perspective as well. How are you financially. Seek legal advice also and see what options you have but ask yourself is this how you want to live the rest of your life with such an unlikeable and angry control freak of a man and the damage it will do to your children also.