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Original poster

Partner might be losing his job, says I should sell my possessions

43 replies

StuckInTheSameOld · 22/02/2023 21:54

I have posted before about relationship, its not a good one (gaslighting, emotional abuse, making me feel absolutely awful about everything I do, never home for the children, etc) but I am struggling to build up courage to make the jump away. Now, it is a strong possibility that he may lose his job due to alleged misconduct. I cant say I believe that he is not guilty of what he is accused of, as he done similar things when I first met him. He has now said that if he loses his job (I'm a stay at home) then I should sell my posessions to give us some money. I said I'm not willing to sell my computer as that is literally all I have of any value, and I paid for it out of my own money that I saved up for years. Am I being unreasonable, or am I right to stand my ground. Due to the ongoing issues with our relationship and him making me doubt myself, nitpick, etc etc I really don't know whether I'm going or going. I am sorry for rambling, I just have no one to speak to about this and I don't know if I really am the bad guy and terrible, or I just don't know.

OP posts:
AdoraBell · 22/02/2023 21:59

He can sell all of his possessions.

Do have any support, friends or relatives?

TiaraBoo · 22/02/2023 22:00

You are definitely not the bad guy.
Are you able to move out?

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 22/02/2023 22:00

Tell him to sell his own effing possessions.

What a dick. Its his mess to clear up, not yours.

Do not leave your valuables alone with him.

Original poster
StuckInTheSameOld · 22/02/2023 22:01

Not really, I have a parent a couple of towns away, but that's about it. They know what is going on, but don't really say much as they said they want me to make my mind up, but that they don't like what he is doing and that he is not really acting like a father to the children, just does what makes him happy. This is where this work situation has come from, he wanted to be 'one of the lads' and has now come under fire for it.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 22/02/2023 22:03

Do not, under any circumstances, sell a single thing of yours to aid this useless POS

Original poster
StuckInTheSameOld · 22/02/2023 22:04

I feel so stressed about him losing this job, because he won't get another that is anywhere near his current pay level, especially with misconduct on his working record. I try every day to make sure everything is perfect here at home, and the children are okay and getting all I can give them, and the only thing I have of value, the only hobby I have, is my computer, and now it's an argument because I said I'm not selling it as this situation isn't my doing. I just feel so awful.

OP posts:
MonkeyMindAllOverAround · 22/02/2023 22:07

Don’t stress but try to find a job, any job. Having one would help you to feel more in control of the situation and also the means to leave him.

Michellexxx · 22/02/2023 22:07

Don’t feel awful. He sounds horrid and I’m so sorry he’s making you question yourself- I bet you’re wonderful.

Dont sell anything!! Would you be up for looking for a job? Start the process of gaining some independence and work on your self esteem?

OhNoNotThatAgain · 22/02/2023 22:11

What a despicable man. Please don't let this awful creature ruin your life any more, and don't let him browbeat you into selling your things. He is abusive.

AreBearsCatholic · 22/02/2023 22:11

I would consider the possibility that he may take it and sell it when you are out.
He‘s completely unreasonable. Let this misconduct and firing be the thing that gives you courage.

Original poster
StuckInTheSameOld · 22/02/2023 22:13

I would like to get a part time job, but my youngest doesn't have childcare and I don't think I would be able to afford it. My eldest is in nursery for the 15 hours a week. My parent can't look after my children either due to health conditions. They've said that we (me and children) can move with them if it gets that bad here. I know I need to turn things around but I'm scared and really struggle with change at the best of times. I know he'll make out to everyone that I am the nasty one for taking the children and leaving him ( I've realised he does think he's the victim for everything). I feel dreadful thinking about these things, I know there's not an easy way to deal with it, but I just dont feel strong enough.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2023 22:14

How are you going to stop him from selling it behind your back?

He sounds like a total fucking loser. Why not just be honest with your relative about quite how shit things are and ask for their help and support to finally leave him? He’s pathetic and your children won’t thank you for staying with him. Want better for them even if you don’t currently think you deserve better.

Original poster
StuckInTheSameOld · 22/02/2023 22:16

I dont know how could I leave when he has just lost his job (highly likely to happen). I feel like I should be fixing this and making sure everyone is okay. But I do know this situation with his work is his own fault, though he won't admit it, I just can't seem to steer myself into fully leaving, I know it's ridiculous but if it was something like physical abuse I'd of been out like a shot, but with this I feel like it's my fault somehow.
I am really sorry for rambling, I don't mean to, just feels like it comes flooding out.

OP posts:
Weatherwax13 · 22/02/2023 22:16

Please do take your parent up on their offer. I reckon PP is right: your computer will disappear as he has zero respect or consideration for you. And it sounds like that will be just another example of his attitude. He's screwed up but somehow you have to take responsibility.
Its death by a thousand cuts.
You deserve better.

Original poster
StuckInTheSameOld · 22/02/2023 22:18

I think one of the biggest things in my head is that the children say they miss him, even though we all live together, they don't have quality time at all, and when he is here he is either on his phone or staring at the TV and not listening when me or the children try to speak to him. But they love him so much, and the 10 percent of the time when he is paying attention he is a good dad. But that's not as much as I think it should be.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 22/02/2023 22:22

StuckInTheSameOld · 22/02/2023 22:18

I think one of the biggest things in my head is that the children say they miss him, even though we all live together, they don't have quality time at all, and when he is here he is either on his phone or staring at the TV and not listening when me or the children try to speak to him. But they love him so much, and the 10 percent of the time when he is paying attention he is a good dad. But that's not as much as I think it should be.

And for the other 90% he's a terrible dad.

SunshineAndFizz · 22/02/2023 22:24

Get it out of your head that it's your job to look after him.

He'll twist any situation to make out he's the victim, so don't try to tick all the boxes so you don't appear as 'the bad guy'.

Leave now. Go to your mums. Don't look back, and don't pay any attention to what he says about you leaving. Yes he'll try to blame you, but so what. Better that than living with this horrid man.

Overthebow · 22/02/2023 22:26

Leave and get a job. You’ll likely be entitled to universal credit (depending on salary and savings), and if so then also childcare help.

hattie43 · 22/02/2023 22:26

Make sure he doesn't pinch your computer to sell. Hide it .

Original poster
StuckInTheSameOld · 22/02/2023 22:27

I wish I had people like you in real life to turn to. Its so hard knowing what is what. I do wonder if I'm expecting too much, but I have never known a father to be like this, so surely it can't be that wrong for me to think it shouldn't be like this. I wish I was strong and could just be decisive like I used to be. I would never of been in this situation pre-children, I would of left, but it's that stupid stigma of a broken family. But then I know that together is broken in itself.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 22/02/2023 22:28

Can you get a work from home job?
My daughter does a WFH job abs you need a computer for it.

If you want some info...message me.

JizzlordTheCat · 22/02/2023 22:32

There are two issues here.

Firstly, it’s a bad relationship and you should leave. That’s an unassailable fact.

That aside, though and assuming that you don’t leave, how’s he going to house you and the children when he has no income?

Either way, you need to leave.

MistyGreenAndBlue · 22/02/2023 22:38

You have somewhere to go. What are you waiting for?
He wont change - except to get worse. Imagine having him at home all the time. <shudder>

Beaverbridge · 22/02/2023 22:47

Don't sell anything of yours. What would you get anyway, not enough to keep a family.
He sounds deranged. He, ll need to get another job.

LovesLongEarrings · 22/02/2023 22:49

www.womensaid.org.uk

Hi. Actions have consequences and his actions (not yours) are why he may be losing his job. You’re not responsible for his behaviors. HE is. He sounds like a loser. He also sounds like an abusive gaslighter-trying to blame/shame/guilt you into selling your possessions for HIS mistakes. It’s not your responsibility to ‘fix’ him.

He doesn’t seem to be very emotionally involved with your children either. What a crap role model…I’d be moving in with your relative if I were you, taking your kids and laptop and seeing if you could either get a work from home job, or is there any chance of working at your child’s daycare centre and getting a staff discount on fees for your second child? You deserve better than this hun. Please believe in yourself.

It can be really hard to leave a relationship when our confidence has been chipped away at over time by someone who’s disrespectful/gaslighting/emotionally manipulative towards us. It’s a bit like the boiling frog situation-we don’t realise that we’re being harmed as it can be slowly, over time. Taking your laptop off you to sell would also mean you’d potentially become even more socially-isolated - not able to connect.

He’s not being a good role model to your kids. Please don’t stay ‘for the sake of the kids’ because actually, staying with him might be putting them in emotional harm’s way. Better to have quality visitation time, than a dad who’s present physically but almost totally emotionally absent towards them. He sounds immature. Many men can father a child, but ‘parenting’ a child requires an investment of time/care/nurturing/love/kindness and attention, as well as being a positive role model for the child to look up to. Staying living/being in a relationship with this bloke sounds more like a habit, rather than a positive, nurturing, kind and respectful situation that’s enjoyable for you and your kids…