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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner might be losing his job, says I should sell my possessions

43 replies

StuckInTheSameOld · 22/02/2023 21:54

I have posted before about relationship, its not a good one (gaslighting, emotional abuse, making me feel absolutely awful about everything I do, never home for the children, etc) but I am struggling to build up courage to make the jump away. Now, it is a strong possibility that he may lose his job due to alleged misconduct. I cant say I believe that he is not guilty of what he is accused of, as he done similar things when I first met him. He has now said that if he loses his job (I'm a stay at home) then I should sell my posessions to give us some money. I said I'm not willing to sell my computer as that is literally all I have of any value, and I paid for it out of my own money that I saved up for years. Am I being unreasonable, or am I right to stand my ground. Due to the ongoing issues with our relationship and him making me doubt myself, nitpick, etc etc I really don't know whether I'm going or going. I am sorry for rambling, I just have no one to speak to about this and I don't know if I really am the bad guy and terrible, or I just don't know.

OP posts:

AbcXyz123456 · 22/02/2023 22:50

So sorry op that's awful. You sound so lovely and deserve so much better. This is his mess to fix and you'd be so much better off without him. Sure it'll be difficult at first but will be so worth it for a happier future.

Also agree with pp that you should explore getting a job to work on self-esteem and financial independence.

2ManyPjs · 22/02/2023 22:51

Move your computer (and ideally also yourself and kids) to your parent's house. Hope it works out for you

Odiebay · 22/02/2023 23:31

Children do not know what is best for them. That's your job as their parent.

Go to your parents and build your life for your children. Don't raise them thinking this is acceptable. If this was your child what would you say?

greenspaces4peace · 22/02/2023 23:40

you need to dump him NOT the computer.
that aside i would say that the computer is necessary for job and online applications.
now i'm not 100% sure i would trust him, and would seriously consider sending the computer to your parents home until you separate.

Solittletimeforwine · 22/02/2023 23:43

its already a broken family op. And no don’t sell your computer. It’s a;you have.

perfectcolourfound · 23/02/2023 07:19

Of course your shouldn't sell your possessions to bail out a man whose stupidity has lost him his job, and who treats you badly and is a dreadful father.

You would be doing your children a huge long-term favour to remove them from him. If they see your relationship as normal they are very likely to end up in similar themselves, which I'm sure you don't want for them.

You have a supportive parent offering a roof over your heads, please take it up.

Aside from the recent job-loss issue, this is not a good relationship. It is abusive. You and the children are being damaged by it.

He will get worse, probably very soon if he loses his job. You owe him literally nothing. It's certainly not your job to 'fix' things for a man who creates his own problems and treats you so badly. Let him sort his own life out.

DarkedOn2219 · 23/02/2023 09:16

If it's more than 12 months old I doubt you'd get anything much for it anyway. Maybe a week or two of groceries and then what? His solution isn't a solution, it's him hitting out at you, trying to find a way to hurt you and blame you. The computer might need to seek safety at your parents house for a bit, preferably with you and your DC.

Being practical if he loses his job can you apply for UC? I don't know the UK system. Will he be able to apply? Do you get CB? Try to remember when you're thinking of his needs that he created the problem and all those intrinsic promises in a LTR or marriage have already been broken by him so you don't owe him consideration or support or anything else. It's not your job to protect and provide for him, it's your job to protect and provide for your DC and sometimes that means protecting them from their father and sometimes that means putting yourself first
so you're in a place where you can protect and provide for them.

RosaBonheur · 23/02/2023 09:19

AreBearsCatholic · 22/02/2023 22:11

I would consider the possibility that he may take it and sell it when you are out.
He‘s completely unreasonable. Let this misconduct and firing be the thing that gives you courage.

This.

I don't see how you can stay with a man who can't be trusted to be left alone with the few possessions that you have.

As if a second hand laptop would sell for much anyway.

Fenella123 · 23/02/2023 09:24

This sounds so hard.
I'm in my 50s so maybe old enough to be your mother!
But, many years ago, my mother scraped together the courage to leave. Went - with 2 kids under 5 - back to her Mum's tiny house. And got a night job - so when her Mum was alone with us, we were mainly fast asleep.

Hope you too can find a way out.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 23/02/2023 09:27

Bail out now! Don't stay because he might lose his job - his job was the only reason to put up with him.

billy1966 · 23/02/2023 09:29

hattie43 · 22/02/2023 22:26

Make sure he doesn't pinch your computer to sell. Hide it .

Take a photo of serial numbers etc., so you can report it stolen if the scum you are married to steals it and sells it.

Text him that you are not selling YOUR computer and tell him he does not have your permission to seel it.

If he does sell it, report it stolen.

He is awful.

Pack your bags and move to your parents house.

This is NOT a good man, husband or father.

You and your children deserve better.

wildseas · 23/02/2023 09:31

In your position I would start applying for daytime weekday jobs (ie during nursery hours) and then worry about childcare once you’ve got something. When they ask about start dates give yourself some breathing room to sort things.

If he loses his job then he would be available to look after the littlest. If he doesn’t lose his job / finds something else then you have two salaries to pay the childcare. If you leave him you’ll get childcare help.

If you don’t already claim universal credit have a look at their website and see if you can claim. You might not be eligible for much but if you are claiming then it will help you to access childcare costs help, and will be much easier to just update your circumstances if you do leave.

igor · 23/02/2023 10:11

The first thing I'd be selling would be my wedding ring tbh.

FishandChipsarelife · 23/02/2023 10:29

The computer wont even be worth much so I assume this is actually about him deflecting his own short comings onto you. He is likely going to be sacked due to his own poor behaviour and his response is that it will be your responsibility to support you both. He is probably resentful of you having something that you enjoy from what you are saying.

I hope he is applying for literally any job that is available? He wont necessarily be earning what he is now obviously but that doesnt matter. He needs to be earning not selling your computer for a pittance. You can get jobs with all sorts on your CV, someone I know works for a warehouse/distribution centre for a very well known online retailer said that one of their Christmas temps asked if there was anyone working there under the age of 18 as they werent allowed contact with under 18s unless it was supervised... 😩

IDontWantToBeAPie · 23/02/2023 10:30

Of course you're not unreasonable. Run quickly! Do it now before he takes your computer and phone and you have no access to any information or help!

endofthelinefinally · 23/02/2023 10:34

If you are not married take your children and run. If you are married, take your children and run, see a solicitor.
Separate all your finances.

iwanttobreakfreeee · 23/02/2023 10:37

I would plan to pack up all your stuff and move when he's at work - whilst he still has a job. Rope in some friends and relatives to help you pack. Anything you leave behind you'll never get back, so many hands make light work.

I agree with other posters - I suspect if you don't do anything, he'll try to sell all of your stuff from under your nose.

ShimmeringShirts · 23/02/2023 10:55

Being separated from him does not make a broken family. Living in an abusive home makes a broken family and has a knock on effect on your children for the rest of their lives - they will think it’s normal and either accept their own partner treating them like this or go on to treat a future partner like this. I hope you can leave

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