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Original poster

I strongly dislike DH

49 replies

Carmah · 22/02/2023 21:04

If we didn't have 2 very young DC then I would have walked long before now.

Before marriage, I always said that I'd never stay with someone 'for the sake of the kids'. However, that was easy to say when those kids didn't exist.

If you've been in my position, have you stayed or left? Did you regret your decision? Did things improve as a result?

OP posts:
Tailfeather · 22/02/2023 21:08

Why do you dislike him? Do you have the 'ick'? Have you fallen out? Or is he not a nice person?

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2023 21:11

Why don’t you like him? Is he a bad husband? Bad father? Does he like you?

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 22/02/2023 21:26

As the child of two parents who "stayed together for the kids", please don't.

I spent my childhood with a permanent atmosphere and the knowledge as an adult that my parents would have been happier apart, but didn't because of me

Zanatdy · 22/02/2023 21:39

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 22/02/2023 21:26

As the child of two parents who "stayed together for the kids", please don't.

I spent my childhood with a permanent atmosphere and the knowledge as an adult that my parents would have been happier apart, but didn't because of me

Exactly the same word for word. I left the father of my dc, I’d never put my kids through that. Never stay for the kids. Believe me they don’t ever thank you for it.

BritInAus · 22/02/2023 21:49

Left. However, there was addiction in my situation. However, I really believe if there's no love (or even like) there is no point staying. Kids are resilient. Better two happily separated parents than two people putting on a charade for 'the sake of the kids'. The kids always know.

Ihaveoflate · 22/02/2023 21:49

My parents stayed together and the environment was completely toxic. My sister and I were both affected deeply in different ways.

Children can pick up on tension even if you don't have shouting matches. You just can't fake a healthy, loving relationship for 18 years.

jays · 22/02/2023 21:54

It depends very much on what the cause is. If you dislike (hate him) because he’s hurt you, then there is still hope because you could potentially resolve this. If he gives you the ick, figure out why. Find the root of why you dislike him. Hindsight has 20/20 vision as they say and it’s so easy to realise when it’s too late that you wish you hadn’t walked away. Equally, life is too short to stay in a situation that’s making you really unhappy. My advice would be to hone in on exactly why you dislike him. Post that and hopefully we can help you figure it all out. Big hugs. It’s a horrible feeling.

philautia · 22/02/2023 21:57

Sorry to read this. Have you always felt the same or have your feelings of dislike grown over time?

Johnisafckface · 22/02/2023 23:26

My mother stayed with my dad for us and the fear of losing financial stability. I wish she hadn’t. It was an extremely toxic environment that has effected many parts of my life.

redboxer321 · 22/02/2023 23:31

Same experience here as @Johnisafckface
Living in a toxic environment with two people who loathe each other really does fuck you up.
Please don't do that to your kids.

FetchezLaVache · 22/02/2023 23:36

I left my husband because he was a complete git, but I was financially independent and only had one small child. Are you in a position to leave? And are you certain it's irreparable?

Iamworthit · 22/02/2023 23:55

I literally separated from my partner last week. Life's got to be better than this.

StickyFloor · 23/02/2023 00:34

I stayed. Promised I'd leave when they were 18 but we are past that milestone and I'm still stuck here.

Nothing has changed. If I win the lottery I'd walk out but in the meantime it's still too disruptive for me and the girls (they both have SEN).

Some days I think I'm mad but on the whole I'm glad I've done the right thing. We aren't toxic and the atmosphere is fine, everyone thinks we are a perfect family. It can be done if you want.

Hawkins003 · 23/02/2023 00:38

Reading with intrigue

MintJulia · 23/02/2023 00:51

FetchezLaVache · 22/02/2023 23:36

I left my husband because he was a complete git, but I was financially independent and only had one small child. Are you in a position to leave? And are you certain it's irreparable?

This was me too.

Weirdly, DS now sees more of his dad than he did when we were together, because if ex wants to see ds, he has to make an effort, get off his lazy selfish bum and allocate some time to his son.

My parents stayed together because divorce wasn't the done thing, and loathed each other. It was a joyless existence. My DS has a much happier, more secure childhood than I had.

CheekyHobson · 23/02/2023 02:00

I left. I came to dislike him for many reasons but they all boiled down to him being selfish, low empathy, poorly emotionally regulated and entitled. It got worse over time, so I wouldn't kid yourself that you might get used to it enough for it not to affect you.

I stayed for a long time because I felt I needed to put the kids first, but also because I could not get financially independent (due in part to him keeping me that way). I eventually found a balance that enabled me to leave.

Once I left life improved so so much. It hasn't all been smooth sailing, of course, and it can be tiring being the 'main' parent and juggling cost of living, especially when the ex likes to be a Disney Dad and buy his kids' love but has to be cajoled and coached and prompted to take care of his responsibilities (and half the time I end up just doing things myself as it's less hassle). It has not always been easy on the kids, and that is probably the hardest part for me.

But the peace is priceless. I no longer wake up already resentful, I don't have to deal with his impulsive and selfish decisions any more, I don't dread the thought of sex, there are no stupid arguments at every turn. I can have people over and relax and have fun instead of feeling anxious about what rude or self-aggrandising thing he might say, or how he would bitch about everyone afterwards.

My home is calm and cheerful, and I am a way better parent because I'm not constantly under stress and snappy. I get to eat how I like (not according to his very fussy tastes), I have the house clean and simple, as I like, rather than living alongside (and mostly caring for) his overwhelming amount of stuff.

The kids are happy, and also starting to recognise the differences between my place and his. For me, it's become so easy to see how chaotic and hostile he is, because the rest of my life is utterly different. I don't live with the chaos and hostility (and feel partially responsible for it) anymore.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 23/02/2023 03:04

How is it possible to have two "very young dc" by someone you've strongly disliked for years? Baffling.

I'd leave ASAP; the kids will be damaged in a loveless environment.

LadyJ2023 · 23/02/2023 03:18

Poor poor children brought into another joke for a relationship

Original poster
Carmah · 23/02/2023 06:12

I found out he was lying to me when I was pregnant (long story) and it's all gone downhill from there. Won't go into specifics but to summarise, he's;

Childish
Moody
A very poor communicator

We have ZERO conversation. He seems to have no opinion about anything. He also seems a bit Jekyll & Hyde, wouldn't dream of behaving the way he does at home in front of anyone else.

On a positive note, he's;

A hands on Dad
Does more than his fair share around the house
Is generous
Dependable

Not sure if it's the relentlessness and sleepless nights that come along with early parenthood that is affecting his behaviour/mood or not. I know it does mine at times. Part of me thinks that once we get past this stage things might improve but maybe I'm being naive.

I've suggested couples counselling but he dismisses it. If I went ahead and arranged it then he would attend but I don't want to strong arm him into it if he's not interested, it's a waste of my time and energy.

OP posts:
Alcemeg · 23/02/2023 06:20

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 22/02/2023 21:26

As the child of two parents who "stayed together for the kids", please don't.

I spent my childhood with a permanent atmosphere and the knowledge as an adult that my parents would have been happier apart, but didn't because of me

Same. Mum actually told me that's what she was doing. And, be warned, Dad lived almost a century!

whoknew123 · 23/02/2023 06:36

From what you've described above how did you even manage to conceive 2 DC?

Personally you should split before the children get much older and are able to comprehend what is happening between their parents and they realise dad isn't there everyday. The longer you leave it, the tougher it will be for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/02/2023 06:44

Those positives are the barest of a bare minimum. If that is all you could come up with in terms of positives then you really do need to rethink your decision to stay with him.

What you’re actually describing re him is an abusive person. Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control and your h wants absolute here. Couples counselling is never recommended if there is abuse of any type within the relationship. His silent treatment is an example of emotional abuse. His self image to outsiders as a committed and or otherwise nice family man is very important to him but it’s an act he cannot maintain. He does not behave like he does to you all around people in the outside world or to his work colleagues. Abusers can be quite plausibly to those in the outside world.

Do not remain in such a marriage for the supposed sake of the children, it’s far more likely you’re staying for your own sake rather than theirs. No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable

Children as well tend to model what we as their parents show them, this example is no legacy to be leaving them. They could well repeat this in their own relationships. your own relationship with them could be badly affected if you were to stay with him because they will see you as putting him before them.

Wonderland19 · 23/02/2023 06:48

I left, and it was the BEST thing I ever did, not only for myself but my children too. I became a fun and happy parent again.

And eventually I met someone else and we have a great relationship. Please don't stay and be miserable, if he's a great dad he will continue to be even if you're not together.

YukoandHiro · 23/02/2023 06:52

"Part of me thinks that once we get past this stage things might improve but maybe I'm being naive."

Honestly I do think it's worth hanging in there - and working on things such as couples counselling - to see if things do get better once you're past this stage. We had a rough chapter but our youngest is 2.5 and it's like we're finally able to see each other again above all the madness. We're not snapping at each other much and my DH's moodiness is lifting. I think lack of sleep is responsible for so much; it can make me genuinely quite depressed

Newnamefornewyear2023 · 23/02/2023 07:10

Oh he’s a hands on dad and does his fair share, both day time and night, think about whether life with small children would be harder with or without him. If on balance you get more help now than you would otherwise, maybe stay a couple of years and reassess. My DH isn’t easy and I stayed, but he was open to couple counselling and is fundamentally willing to change and make an effort and we’ve found a way to be more open and kind with each other. I’ve also addressed some of the stuff about my own part in things that was bothering DH. It’s so hard to see the wood for the trees when the children are tiny. Their relentless demands make it almost impossible. I wouldn’t have been able to emotionally manage couple counselling before my littlest was 3 tbh