New guy, slightly older - what to expect

[TinyDancer45]

I'm a single parent in my mid 30s. Been dating for a while now and have found it really soul destroying.

Recently though, I've been dating a man in his mid 40s who I am growing to really like. He's very calm and consistent and open and says what he feels which I really value.

Only thing is his home life is more complex than mine. He's still living with his ex wife and kid a couple of years on from separation. Part of me finds it quite attractive that someone can be really adult in separation. It's certainly not my experience with my daughter's dad.

If you're in your 40s and divorced and dating, what do I need to know? What should I expect and in your experience, what do you want from dating at this point in your life after a twenty year relationship ending?

The first thing I'd want is to see divorce papers.

and then I still wouldn't date him tbh.

Be patient, don’t settle for ‘he’s nice’ . Your still very young and you will be with your life partner a long time so be choosy , very choosy . Are you sure he is separated? He could just be telling you that and having an affair with you . Why is he still there ? If he is single , how does he expect another woman to except this . Why wouldn’t he want his own place so he and his ex wife can move on with other people whilst still maintaining a healthy , respectful, conparenting relationship !

Co parenting

I wouldn't find it 'quite attractive' that he still lived with his wife and child.

At the very least it tells you he doesn't have much money - and this may not be important to you but it's a consideration

I'd check his wife knows they're divorced before anything else.

And then, I still wouldn't date him. What seems quite endearing now will he a major problem when you can't ever go round to his house because his wife is there.

still living with the ex and child? Personally I don't see that as "adult" in a separation as it's giving mixed messages to everybody involved if they are actually separated.

I'd run a mile from this. One or other of them may be hoping to get back together or else they're emotionally committed to one another but having sex on the side.

Hmmm no. There can be amicable divorces, but living with your ex (if she is an ex!) is a big no in my book.

Sounds like a cms dodger if he is in fact separated

What's his plan? You need to know if he's making arrangements to leave the home?

What does it matter what you should expect? You could reasonably expect him to be a lovely bloke or a lying toe-rag, from your current perspective.

What does it matter what anybody else would expect or want?

What do you want? Does he offer you those things?
What don't you want? A man with a wife to go home to? Or do you want that?

This isn't about what you might expect and what's reasonable. This is about what you want and whether who you're dating can offer it. There are no 'shoulds'.

... And his wife knows about you?

And his friends and family?

And you're happy that he's still living with the wife?

And you've been to his home where everyone is living openly and happily separated, yes?

Nah. When I met my dp we were both still officially married but divorces well underway and living separately and parenting as best we could with the other parent.

Yours is not only still married but living with his wife. Too messy.

Nah it means we're not all made of money and potentially have children with high needs to consider.

My friend dated a guy who was separated but still living with ex - turned out they weren't separated at all

It's a bit hard work innit.

You can do better than this. Nothing is better than this.
This set up is minus.

Oh gosh, if he's still living with his ex then in his case he's going to be looking for someone with their own place because you're certainly not going to be hosted by him.
As PPs have said, this is one to be careful with - if he hasn't had a period of living alone after the end of his marriage, there's a risk he'll move straight from that house and lifestyle and expect to move into your home and live the same life, and expect the same treatment for his daughter when she visits your home.
A more attractive prospect is someone who's lived alone for a year or two and has learned to be self sufficient, it feels like a far more equal partnership when you combine your households with someone who has their own routine and crucially in this case, is capable of caring for his child alone.
I'm glad for you that he seems nice, but with (what I lovingly call) the second hand market, you really need to be aware of ingrained habits and expectations with people at this stage.

1 - check divorce papers
2 - find out about shared finances. DO NOT get involved with someone who still has a JA with an ex wife.
3 - find out how he envisages future holidays going. Will he always be at the shared home for xmas etc.
4 - is exW dating anyone. Does she know about you?
5 - why is he dating? Does he see a life with another person.
6 - follow on from 5 - what would trigger a house sale and physical split?

I'm sure others will add points too.

This would raise a few flags for me.

Maybe op can't do "better"? You can always decide to be single, but mid 30s with a child in tow, your options are limited

Either she doesn't know they're separated or there's something fishy going on.

Nobody sane would live with their ex. It's not healthy.

Oh sweet jesus. Then be single. Honestly.

Everybody's options are limited, because nobody is perfect for everybody. Lots of people in their 30s with a child find happy, successful relationships, so if it's less likely, that doesn't have much relevance. Some people who you'd expect to have a happy relationship don't. Some people who you'd expect not to have a happy relationship do.
Doing 'better' in a relationship is 'finding a partner you're compatible with'. You can't say 'Maybe OP can't do that'. You can't say that because OP is a certain age and has a child, she's obliged to settle for less than she wants in a relationship, or singledom.

First, are you sure he's separated? If so, what's his reason for still living with his wife years later? That's odd whichever way you swing it.

Second, what's the plan here? If your relationship progresses, how do you see it progressing with him still living in his marital home? How will things like Christmas, birthdays etc work? Do you see a blended family in your future, or a more casual relationship where you remain separate? What's important is what you want, not what anyone else might want.

Those who do find "happy" relationships with children already are in the minority, since you are by default limited by having a child and women tend to be resident parents. Just take a look on the step parenting board to see a lot of miserable blended families or on this board a lot of women trapped in unsuitable relationships.

Unless you move the man in, or have a lot of free childcare during prine time (the weekend) your time is limited and men who don't have ties have more options (and don't need to settle for someone who has restrictions (assuming the child is young and can't be left home alone).

Lots of people "settle" for all sorts of reasons.

I would never date someone purporting to be single who still lives with his ex-wife and child. To me that is not normal co-parenting or 'being adult in separation', it's a confusing dynamic likely for both of them and almost definitely for the child.

I wouldn't get involved until he is properly single.

Yes what’s his plan for divorce and moving out?

I would be very wary sorry. Call it off and tell him to let you know when he’s moved out.

I didn't say that people don't 'settle', @xfan , it's very common, as is a lot of other unhealthy decision making we all make. But just like you don't have to eat that biscuit, and I don't have to have that beer, OP doesn't have to settle. Healthier options are available. If you think they're not because of what MN shows you, then you need to get out and mix with emotionally healthy and stable people a bit more. Being in a minority doesn't mean it's rare. Blue eyed people are in the minority in the UK, but you won't have trouble finding one (for example)