New guy, slightly older - what to expect

[TinyDancer45]

I'm a single parent in my mid 30s. Been dating for a while now and have found it really soul destroying.

Recently though, I've been dating a man in his mid 40s who I am growing to really like. He's very calm and consistent and open and says what he feels which I really value.

Only thing is his home life is more complex than mine. He's still living with his ex wife and kid a couple of years on from separation. Part of me finds it quite attractive that someone can be really adult in separation. It's certainly not my experience with my daughter's dad.

If you're in your 40s and divorced and dating, what do I need to know? What should I expect and in your experience, what do you want from dating at this point in your life after a twenty year relationship ending?

A good test for deciding whether to date someone is if you'd be happy/ comfortable about your friends, family, colleagues knowing about both of your living situations.

I wouldn't be able to proudly tell people I'm dating someone who is living with his ex and their child.

Have some self respect! You're not a priority here.

You've missed my point @Watchkeys we all settle, one way or another, it's just what you're willing to tolerate and also what other options you realistically have.

@xfan Don't speak for everybody. I haven't settled, and neither have many of my friends. I'm sure many people do, but it's not imperative, and it's not good advice for someone who's considering having a relationship with someone who still lives with his wife. It's not good advice for anybody.

Do you really want your boyfriend going home to his ex wife? Doing the day to day stuff together, having a meal, having a chat, basically being a family in all but sharing a bed. And that's the best case scenario. I couldn't do it.

When I was dating in my 40s after a 20-year marriage, I was looking for fun. Definitely not to jump straight back into a LTR. I wanted to go out with some fun/good-looking men and have a couple of silly flings.

I had first dates with half a dozen men the same age, and two of them were claiming to be separated, but acting very suspicious. One I stayed in touch with casually, and from later events I'm pretty sure he's still with his wife.

If this guy was living separately, and the issue was just him being a bit older and separated, I'd say go for it. But honestly, you need to make very sure that he's not a fake. It's far from uncommon.

Don't listen to the nonsense about not having any options. Quite apart from the fact that being single is a perfectly fine option, people's value does not shrink as they age or have children. My parents both remarried when I was little, and they both have lovely partners. What a horrible idea that any of them was somehow of lower quality just because I was around and they were not in the first flush of youth.

What @EmmaEmerald said.

For all the few success stories, there are far more stories of settling, single life is expensive, single parenting is hard (emotionally and financially), and people don't want to be alone and isolated. Few would admit in real life to themselves the real reasons they decided to pursue the partners they did, nevermind anybody else.

@xfan

Yes, so you're saying people are usually settling, and I'm saying it's not imperative. Got it.

Most people drink too much alcohol, but that doesn't make it advisable. Most people eat to much sugar, but that doesn't make it advisable. 'Yeah, do it because that's what most people do' isn't good advice.

People do settle, but that's still no reason to say that a freshly single young mum probably can't do any better. I'm sorry if that is what someone has told you at some point, @xfan, but we don't all have to follow that lead and give OP the impression that she's all washed up and shouldn't be picky.