@Sophiae778
“All of this is shocking but the one thing I cannot get past in therapy is how he used me for sex after DDay, he encouraged me to try lots of new things completely of his choosing and because I was literally beside myself with grief, I did and now that I’ve had a second DDay, I feel just so doubly betrayed. He was fanatical about sex even coercing me into making out with him in the bathroom during the day whilst our children were watching tv. I’m so ashamed to admit this but at the time I wasn’t thinking straight.”
I wanted to address this point separately. What happened after DDay was trauma, a woman in shock and pain, your world turned upside down. You did anything you could which you thought might turn the situation around. There’s is no shame in this, none at all. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Now that you are calmer you can re-visit the memories and are ashamed of things you did back then, because you don’t think that you’d respond in that way now. However, there’s a huge difference between your state of mind now and your state of mind back then. You had no time to assimilate the new, shocking information. It hit you like a ton of bricks, you had a husband, marriage, children, a whole way of life and security all now under threat. This is huge, and in shock we act in ways we might not if we were calm and had time to think, to process the massive, massive change in our circumstances which sends shock waves into our very core, our sense of self, our self images as women, wives and mothers. We rationalise from a primal fear point of view and we act. We act fast. If we are scared of losing them, of devastating our children, we do things which later with time and hindsight and knowledge we wish we hadn’t.
But if this was a trusted, loved friend who was telling your story, would you tell her that being coerced into sex and doing anything he wanted, should be ashamed of herself? Would you blame her or would you see how traumatised she was, how terrified she was that her life was turning upside down and understand completely that in that state we might do things which at the time seem ok or even necessary?
By your own admission “I wasn’t thinking straight” you are spot on actually and answered your own dilemma. Put what you did into context, @Sophiae778 and believe that none of us are perfect or act according to our values when we perceive we are under threat.
You are suffering from a lot of what is called “carried shame”, ie carrying shame that belongs to others, not you. You were the victim of a manipulative, abusive and coercive man who then tried to gaslight you into believing his wrongdoing was all your fault and took advantage of this and took advantage of you sexually. Do not be tempted to think that because you did all these things that you are ashamed of willingly it was all your fault.
You were abused and taken advantage of at a desperate and low ebb, by the man who put you there. You were his victim and should never blame yourself.
Now, however, is the time to decide that although you have been a victim and suffered trauma, you are not going to be his victim any longer. The blame and shame must be put where it belongs, on him. Once you do that, you’ll find your power and strength. You are going to get through this with your children and have the life you deserve free from this vile man. Do not think of yourself as abandoned, think of yourself as liberated. Sending love X