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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Manipulative behaviour after DDay

37 replies

Sophiae778 · 22/02/2023 13:08

DH had an affair, blamed it entirely on me. I was blindsided and shocked for me and our three children which made me take him back, completely on his terms. I wasn’t allowed to discuss it, he wouldn’t change jobs yet it had been with a colleague, he wouldn’t take my calls at work. He said he found me unattractive so I had to lose weight and start to watch the shows he had talked about with the OW. I had to focus less on our children, he said he probably wouldn’t have had the affair if I hadn’t been such a good mum and involved with but the children. All
of this is shocking but the one thing I cannot get past in therapy is how he used me for sex after DDay, he encouraged me to try lots of new things completely of his choosing and because I was literally beside myself with grief, I did and now that I’ve had a second DDay, I feel just so doubly betrayed. He was fanatical about sex even coercing me into making out with him in the bathroom during the day whilst our children were watching tv. I’m so ashamed to admit this but at the time I wasn’t thinking straight. Children were oblivious to the above but I still feel so used and betrayed by my husband and I cannot see any worth in me. Ten years ago, I was a different person. Strong, independent, brave and now I’m just pathetic.
Husband has left to be with married OW and her three children.

OP posts:
ItsCalledAConversation · 22/02/2023 20:06

It may not feel it now OP but you can be free of this disgusting man and have your life back. I was going to say you’ll have your old self back too, but you won’t - you’ll have a new self who is wiser and stronger from the experiences you’ve been through. Today is the lowest point because it’s day one of your new life. You will rise. Sending all power to you Flowers

CrotchetyQuaver · 22/02/2023 20:12

He sounds a real piece of work. One day I think you will celebrate this day when you realise how good it is he's no longer your husband. I read some things on here but your story is shocking

Thepossibility · 22/02/2023 20:16

It's not you, it's him.
He's an awful prick.

Ofcourseshecan · 22/02/2023 20:20

Thewookiemustgo · 22/02/2023 14:57

@Sophiae778
“All of this is shocking but the one thing I cannot get past in therapy is how he used me for sex after DDay, he encouraged me to try lots of new things completely of his choosing and because I was literally beside myself with grief, I did and now that I’ve had a second DDay, I feel just so doubly betrayed. He was fanatical about sex even coercing me into making out with him in the bathroom during the day whilst our children were watching tv. I’m so ashamed to admit this but at the time I wasn’t thinking straight.”

I wanted to address this point separately. What happened after DDay was trauma, a woman in shock and pain, your world turned upside down. You did anything you could which you thought might turn the situation around. There’s is no shame in this, none at all. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Now that you are calmer you can re-visit the memories and are ashamed of things you did back then, because you don’t think that you’d respond in that way now. However, there’s a huge difference between your state of mind now and your state of mind back then. You had no time to assimilate the new, shocking information. It hit you like a ton of bricks, you had a husband, marriage, children, a whole way of life and security all now under threat. This is huge, and in shock we act in ways we might not if we were calm and had time to think, to process the massive, massive change in our circumstances which sends shock waves into our very core, our sense of self, our self images as women, wives and mothers. We rationalise from a primal fear point of view and we act. We act fast. If we are scared of losing them, of devastating our children, we do things which later with time and hindsight and knowledge we wish we hadn’t.
But if this was a trusted, loved friend who was telling your story, would you tell her that being coerced into sex and doing anything he wanted, should be ashamed of herself? Would you blame her or would you see how traumatised she was, how terrified she was that her life was turning upside down and understand completely that in that state we might do things which at the time seem ok or even necessary?
By your own admission “I wasn’t thinking straight” you are spot on actually and answered your own dilemma. Put what you did into context, @Sophiae778 and believe that none of us are perfect or act according to our values when we perceive we are under threat.
You are suffering from a lot of what is called “carried shame”, ie carrying shame that belongs to others, not you. You were the victim of a manipulative, abusive and coercive man who then tried to gaslight you into believing his wrongdoing was all your fault and took advantage of this and took advantage of you sexually. Do not be tempted to think that because you did all these things that you are ashamed of willingly it was all your fault.
You were abused and taken advantage of at a desperate and low ebb, by the man who put you there. You were his victim and should never blame yourself.
Now, however, is the time to decide that although you have been a victim and suffered trauma, you are not going to be his victim any longer. The blame and shame must be put where it belongs, on him. Once you do that, you’ll find your power and strength. You are going to get through this with your children and have the life you deserve free from this vile man. Do not think of yourself as abandoned, think of yourself as liberated. Sending love X

This is so true, OP. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing at all.

He is a disgusting creature who abused you and took full advantage of your shock and vulnerability.

He and the OW deserve each other. You and DC deserve much better.

NevieSticks · 22/02/2023 20:24

Thewookiemustgo · 22/02/2023 14:57

@Sophiae778
“All of this is shocking but the one thing I cannot get past in therapy is how he used me for sex after DDay, he encouraged me to try lots of new things completely of his choosing and because I was literally beside myself with grief, I did and now that I’ve had a second DDay, I feel just so doubly betrayed. He was fanatical about sex even coercing me into making out with him in the bathroom during the day whilst our children were watching tv. I’m so ashamed to admit this but at the time I wasn’t thinking straight.”

I wanted to address this point separately. What happened after DDay was trauma, a woman in shock and pain, your world turned upside down. You did anything you could which you thought might turn the situation around. There’s is no shame in this, none at all. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Now that you are calmer you can re-visit the memories and are ashamed of things you did back then, because you don’t think that you’d respond in that way now. However, there’s a huge difference between your state of mind now and your state of mind back then. You had no time to assimilate the new, shocking information. It hit you like a ton of bricks, you had a husband, marriage, children, a whole way of life and security all now under threat. This is huge, and in shock we act in ways we might not if we were calm and had time to think, to process the massive, massive change in our circumstances which sends shock waves into our very core, our sense of self, our self images as women, wives and mothers. We rationalise from a primal fear point of view and we act. We act fast. If we are scared of losing them, of devastating our children, we do things which later with time and hindsight and knowledge we wish we hadn’t.
But if this was a trusted, loved friend who was telling your story, would you tell her that being coerced into sex and doing anything he wanted, should be ashamed of herself? Would you blame her or would you see how traumatised she was, how terrified she was that her life was turning upside down and understand completely that in that state we might do things which at the time seem ok or even necessary?
By your own admission “I wasn’t thinking straight” you are spot on actually and answered your own dilemma. Put what you did into context, @Sophiae778 and believe that none of us are perfect or act according to our values when we perceive we are under threat.
You are suffering from a lot of what is called “carried shame”, ie carrying shame that belongs to others, not you. You were the victim of a manipulative, abusive and coercive man who then tried to gaslight you into believing his wrongdoing was all your fault and took advantage of this and took advantage of you sexually. Do not be tempted to think that because you did all these things that you are ashamed of willingly it was all your fault.
You were abused and taken advantage of at a desperate and low ebb, by the man who put you there. You were his victim and should never blame yourself.
Now, however, is the time to decide that although you have been a victim and suffered trauma, you are not going to be his victim any longer. The blame and shame must be put where it belongs, on him. Once you do that, you’ll find your power and strength. You are going to get through this with your children and have the life you deserve free from this vile man. Do not think of yourself as abandoned, think of yourself as liberated. Sending love X

I agree with every single world that cookie has said. In the aftermath you can be traumatised and do the most unreasonable things. I started carrying a knife in my bag and often thought I was being followed. My mind was blown. It is very very common. Sometimes you really have to hit rock bottom with these men before you see it for really how it is. It will get better I can promise you that.

trythisforsize · 22/02/2023 20:41

he said he probably wouldn’t have had the affair if I hadn’t been such a good mum

This is such a ludicrous thing to say. What a needy, selfish, attention seeking manbaby he is.
You really are so well rid even if you don't feel like it right now. In a few months you'll be marvelling at how much more relaxed your life is without an abusive arsehole trying to make you jump through his rancid hoops.

Your conscious is clear. You can carry on being the wonderful mum that he could not handle. You are the prize and you are the winner. Take time to gather yourself. Scream and cry and punch a pillow at how disappointing he turned out to be. Then gather your family, friends, your support networks and create a wonderful life for yourself and your kids.

Pieceofpurplesky · 22/02/2023 20:41

I have been you OP.

I was so ashamed that I had let my family down by not being what he wanted me to be. With time, friendship and counselling I got through it. One wise person said to me that I was not responsible for how he behaved - that was so true. He chose to behave like that.

Take some time to cry and grieve - you have lost a part of your life that you thought would always be there - but then start to build. Find something every day that you are happy about. Your children. Spring. A coffee with a friend. It's baby steps but you will get there and you will be stronger, happier and free.

Feel free to pm me if you want to.

DorritLittle · 22/02/2023 20:55

Thewookiemustgo · 22/02/2023 14:57

@Sophiae778
“All of this is shocking but the one thing I cannot get past in therapy is how he used me for sex after DDay, he encouraged me to try lots of new things completely of his choosing and because I was literally beside myself with grief, I did and now that I’ve had a second DDay, I feel just so doubly betrayed. He was fanatical about sex even coercing me into making out with him in the bathroom during the day whilst our children were watching tv. I’m so ashamed to admit this but at the time I wasn’t thinking straight.”

I wanted to address this point separately. What happened after DDay was trauma, a woman in shock and pain, your world turned upside down. You did anything you could which you thought might turn the situation around. There’s is no shame in this, none at all. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Now that you are calmer you can re-visit the memories and are ashamed of things you did back then, because you don’t think that you’d respond in that way now. However, there’s a huge difference between your state of mind now and your state of mind back then. You had no time to assimilate the new, shocking information. It hit you like a ton of bricks, you had a husband, marriage, children, a whole way of life and security all now under threat. This is huge, and in shock we act in ways we might not if we were calm and had time to think, to process the massive, massive change in our circumstances which sends shock waves into our very core, our sense of self, our self images as women, wives and mothers. We rationalise from a primal fear point of view and we act. We act fast. If we are scared of losing them, of devastating our children, we do things which later with time and hindsight and knowledge we wish we hadn’t.
But if this was a trusted, loved friend who was telling your story, would you tell her that being coerced into sex and doing anything he wanted, should be ashamed of herself? Would you blame her or would you see how traumatised she was, how terrified she was that her life was turning upside down and understand completely that in that state we might do things which at the time seem ok or even necessary?
By your own admission “I wasn’t thinking straight” you are spot on actually and answered your own dilemma. Put what you did into context, @Sophiae778 and believe that none of us are perfect or act according to our values when we perceive we are under threat.
You are suffering from a lot of what is called “carried shame”, ie carrying shame that belongs to others, not you. You were the victim of a manipulative, abusive and coercive man who then tried to gaslight you into believing his wrongdoing was all your fault and took advantage of this and took advantage of you sexually. Do not be tempted to think that because you did all these things that you are ashamed of willingly it was all your fault.
You were abused and taken advantage of at a desperate and low ebb, by the man who put you there. You were his victim and should never blame yourself.
Now, however, is the time to decide that although you have been a victim and suffered trauma, you are not going to be his victim any longer. The blame and shame must be put where it belongs, on him. Once you do that, you’ll find your power and strength. You are going to get through this with your children and have the life you deserve free from this vile man. Do not think of yourself as abandoned, think of yourself as liberated. Sending love X

I totally agree with this. I have been in this situation albeit with an ex I didn’t have children with, and the ‘post-D day’ relationship I attempted to maintain in desperation (when I also was not thinking straight) also eventually failed - but so have many women and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

DorritLittle · 22/02/2023 20:57

You really are so well rid even if you don't feel like it right now. In a few months you'll be marvelling at how much more relaxed your life is without an abusive arsehole trying to make you jump through his rancid hoops.

also this.

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/02/2023 21:04

Wow, the way he behaved is beyond shocking. My heart goes out to you. You’ve had amazing advice here which I won’t add to but I wanted to send you 💐 and a hand hold.

Zanina · 22/02/2023 21:05

Sorry you have suffered this abuse. It takes ages to get over betrayal but I think you have to tell yourself that he has now left and can't do that to you again. In a way I hope he loses interest in the kids so you can all get away from him. Karma will get him one day, and you will feel peaceful one day too. Life is such that some of us suffer really badly at the hands of others.

I'd burn his belongings quite frankly. Let it be a day for all to remember.

Thewookiemustgo · 22/02/2023 21:56

@NevieSticks we do things which don’t resemble our true selves in trauma. One night in the early hours shortly after DDay I got out of bed and just drove around for miles, screaming like a mad thing all the way. Once I started screaming I felt like I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t retrace my route now, can’t remember where I went. I just remember the dark, the road and the screaming. It didn’t even sound like it was coming from me.

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