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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out partner has used escorts / repeatedly done coke / lied

31 replies

Helphelpless · 22/02/2023 00:29

As the subject says… we’ve been together 7yrs this year but not married and no kids (but this was we’d previously been working towards). I’m just absolutely devastated.

We bought our dream house last year, but I can’t afford to buy him out. Fixed term doesn’t end until next year. I just don’t know what to do.

There’s been historic issues and I thought we’d moved past them and were stronger than ever, but in the last few weeks it’s all unraveled and I’ve found all sorts of horrendous and sordid stuff. The lies upon lies. The messages and calls saying he’s doing one thing, when the phone logs and bank statements say otherwise.

He works away a lot, but basically anytime I’ve been away or he’s had a work’s do there’s been contact with escorts and / or cocaine taking.

I’ve confined in my parents but they don’t know everything. He’s not told anyone and I hugely resent that his family are unburdened by it all. I’ve been struggling at work due to it, whilst he’s just been promoted. None of it seems fair.

OP posts:
Sage321 · 22/02/2023 00:34

What a dirty rat! Buying a home with you knowing he's been sleeping wirh escorts and doing drugs behind your back. Tell him to leave for a few days while you get your head on straight and think things through. You need space right now to think

Eyerollcentral · 22/02/2023 00:38

Sell the house now, you can’t afford to buy him out and in all likelihood it will be worth less in six months or a year’s time. What were the issues before? Don’t waste any more time with this, you have him a second chance and he repaid you by tying you in to a major financial commitment whilst paying women for sex and taking class A drugs. Don’t even bother getting in to a row about it, just tell him it’s not working and you want to sell. He’ll only feed you a pack of lies. You don’t have to tell anyone everything unless you want to. Just get the house sold and walk away.

Aintnosupermum · 22/02/2023 01:08

Sell the house and walk away. Be thankful you are not married as divorce is a nightmare.

Tell your confidant everything. It’s devastating to be let down like this. If you don’t have someone get a therapist so you have someone you can process this with.

ZekeZeke · 22/02/2023 01:10

Get yourself checked for a STD.

The dirty lying cheating pig, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I would sell ASAP and never have anything to do with him again.

B0g · 22/02/2023 01:55

Just a boyfriend and no kids: this is good, he’s easily dumped. Live separately in the house you’re temporarily stuck with-no meals, domestic services etc. provided, sounds like absolutely zero loss a drug addled user of sex workers? Look forward to a better future.

B0g · 22/02/2023 01:56

(Excuse my punctuation fail!)

Floppyelf · 22/02/2023 02:11

B0g · 22/02/2023 01:55

Just a boyfriend and no kids: this is good, he’s easily dumped. Live separately in the house you’re temporarily stuck with-no meals, domestic services etc. provided, sounds like absolutely zero loss a drug addled user of sex workers? Look forward to a better future.

Great advice.

as others have said. Sell the place asap. And put yourself first

Ihadenough22 · 22/02/2023 05:36

You need to end things with this so called man. He is out paying for sex with escort's and using coke. You just bought a house with him in the past year.
You need to sell this house even if you lose some money on it and get this man out of your life. Why should you be paying towards the cost this house after what he has been doing?

I know it horrible what you found out but at least your not married to him with a child or two as well. Get an sti check as well just to make sure your ok.
Tell a close friend was has happened as you need a bit of support now. I know it's not an easy thing to deal with.
One of my friends was very let down by a boyfriend a few years ago but over time things started to emerge about him. My friend said to me I had a lucky escape in getting away from him.

discobrain · 22/02/2023 05:39

First thing I'd do, is tell his family so you're not burdening his bullshit yourself.

Then throw the fucker out.

Irrelevantdata · 22/02/2023 07:45

No it isn't fair OP, which is why you need to take control of what happens next and make sure that it's whatever you need, not what saves face for him. Tell your family everything (assuming they will be supportive) and don't keep it from his family either if it helps you for them to know, why should you keep his dirty secrets? He has been completely selfish and only thought about himself, time for you to do the same.

EezyOozy · 22/02/2023 07:48

Put the house on the market and LTB would be your only choice.

userlotsanumbers · 22/02/2023 07:50

STD test
Tell everyone, with screenshot of evidence. Don't save his good reputation, as sure as shit he'll be wrecking yours with tales of woe once his cosy life is disrupted.

userlotsanumbers · 22/02/2023 07:50

STD test
Tell everyone, with screenshot of evidence. Don't save his good reputation, as sure as shit he'll be wrecking yours with tales of woe once his cosy life is disrupted.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 22/02/2023 07:52

In order:

STI check
Tell his family - why should you carry the burden alone
Tell your manager, if it feels OK to do so - you need some support
Call three estate agents and get your house on the market. If you can't afford to buy him out, you can't afford to buy him out - so the house is gone. The quicker you get it over with the better.

I'm really sorry OP, he sounds like a grade A shite.

Veryverycalmnow · 22/02/2023 08:04

LaviniasBigBloomers · 22/02/2023 07:52

In order:

STI check
Tell his family - why should you carry the burden alone
Tell your manager, if it feels OK to do so - you need some support
Call three estate agents and get your house on the market. If you can't afford to buy him out, you can't afford to buy him out - so the house is gone. The quicker you get it over with the better.

I'm really sorry OP, he sounds like a grade A shite.

This

I can't believe he could think this kind of behaviour is in any way acceptable.

TurtleTriplets · 22/02/2023 08:06

The dream home is meaningless if your life is a nightmare.
Sell up and run for the hills. There will be other houses but you only have one life. Don't waste it on someone like him.

Nimbostratus100 · 22/02/2023 08:09

Found out ex-partner has used escorts / repeatedly done coke / lied

fixed your thread title for you

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 22/02/2023 08:14

This must be so incredibly tough and I imagine you may feel embarrassed/ashamed - please don't carry his shame, tell whoever you need to tell. Nobody will judge you on his actions. They were his despicable choices not yours. Tell a friend, tell your parents, explain what has happened to your manager (maybe get signed off work for a little while you heal), tell his bloody parents. Get angry.
Absolutely get the house on the market and get our.
And yes please do get an sti test, take someone with you if you need. Again please don't carry his shame, it is his and his alone.

UpperStreetGirl · 22/02/2023 08:34

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 22/02/2023 08:14

This must be so incredibly tough and I imagine you may feel embarrassed/ashamed - please don't carry his shame, tell whoever you need to tell. Nobody will judge you on his actions. They were his despicable choices not yours. Tell a friend, tell your parents, explain what has happened to your manager (maybe get signed off work for a little while you heal), tell his bloody parents. Get angry.
Absolutely get the house on the market and get our.
And yes please do get an sti test, take someone with you if you need. Again please don't carry his shame, it is his and his alone.

Sunlight is the best disinfectant.

Tell anyone and everyone everything in a matter of fact way. Have screenshots.

Get this person out of your life and head.

Imagine him as a lump of shit on your shoe that needs scraping of ASAP.

Ask family and friends to support you practically to get the ball rolling and the house sold ASAP.

Any cash lost in the sale - suggest he picks up - but if not look at is as in investment in your MH, dignity and time.

You cannot continue to live in this sewer.

There is no shame on you.

You are also not alone - I have numerous close personal friends who have gone through this - the coke / sex workers thing is an epidemic in certain age groups.

TicketBoo23 · 22/02/2023 08:36

There is a silver lining to this and that is;

A. No kids yet
B. Not married

It might be incredibly shit but it could be way worse.

You're going to have to sell up and get your share out if you can't afford to buy him out and stay in it. Better to do that asap as the general opinion is that house prices will fall from current stars.

As you've poinre out, being in a relationship with him is affecting your career (and no doubt your MH) as it is. Even if you tried to forgive this (unforgivable) behaviour..... Which would wreck your head .... He'll be at it again and your life and career will be further damaged by him.

As for his career, he may have gotten a promotion but whether he'll stay on that trajectory while taking coke etc. is something else entirely. Time will tell.

You'll not be stuck with him seeing if he does crash and burn, and fuck up your life too.

TicketBoo23 · 22/02/2023 08:37

*stats

TicketBoo23 · 22/02/2023 08:40

Tell him if he doesn't cooperate in selling the house asap you'll tell everyone he knows - with evidence.

Tell them anyway after the property is sold.

TicketBoo23 · 22/02/2023 08:41

You are also not alone - I have numerous close personal friends who have gone through this - the coke / sex workers thing is an epidemic in certain age groups.

Aw I wonder if the men doing this would consider their wives and girlfriends fucking male escorts to be acceptable; why do I get the feeling not 🤔.

Babymamamama · 22/02/2023 08:44

Well he’s told you everything you need to know by his repeated actions. He won’t change. He will just become a better liar and continue if you allow it. Sell the property, get something within your means and be grateful you got out without children involved. Drug addicts and children are never a good combo. So sorry but you will look back and be so grateful to have escaped this betrayal.

UpperStreetGirl · 22/02/2023 08:50

TicketBoo23 · 22/02/2023 08:36

There is a silver lining to this and that is;

A. No kids yet
B. Not married

It might be incredibly shit but it could be way worse.

You're going to have to sell up and get your share out if you can't afford to buy him out and stay in it. Better to do that asap as the general opinion is that house prices will fall from current stars.

As you've poinre out, being in a relationship with him is affecting your career (and no doubt your MH) as it is. Even if you tried to forgive this (unforgivable) behaviour..... Which would wreck your head .... He'll be at it again and your life and career will be further damaged by him.

As for his career, he may have gotten a promotion but whether he'll stay on that trajectory while taking coke etc. is something else entirely. Time will tell.

You'll not be stuck with him seeing if he does crash and burn, and fuck up your life too.

You'll not be stuck with him seeing if he does crash and burn, and fuck up your life too.

And this will happen. It will either be debt (probably has loads already as this is an expensive habit), lose his job or mental or physical health. It’s a one way deteriorating street.

I know of 4 close male friends who have died in mid 40s from heart attacks / suicide with this ‘lifestyle’ - they don’t live as long as the alcoholics.