Those in happy ‘perfect’ relationships…

[Perfectpeonies]

How did you know they were the ‘one’. What qualities make your relationship happy?

I’ve spent so long studying red flags that I’ve forgotten what green looks like.

I don't believe any relationship is perfect. The more time you spend with other couples (like on holiday) the more you realise that.

My relationship is good. We support each other in family life, career, hobbies and social life.

As others say, I don't think either of us Is 'perfect', but kindness, generosity, thoughtfulness, allowing each other space and independence go a long way. Shared values is so important too - particularly towards finances. We've shared a bank account for 35 years and never argued about money because we both have the same aim of paying off a mortgage and saving for our pension.
I met my DH over 30 years through a shared volunteering commitment and I liked the fact that a guy in his 20s would give up his evenings and weekends to support teenagers.
We do a lot apart and I wouldn't even say my DH is my 'best friend' but we never begrudge each other time and space alone ... I shudder when I read some of the threads on here about women not being 'allowed' to go on holiday or even a night out on their own. Or even 'my DH doesn't like me sleeping on my own'. I couldn't stand that level of neediness.
And the way my DH helps support my elderly DM is great too, I know it isn't fun to have to include a 90+ year old in most of our plans or go over and help her out but he does it without moaning!
Of course ... we drive each other mad at times and there's nothing more I like than a night in on my own. Equally he puts up with my faults too.

I wouldn't say it's perfect, but we've always been happy and very devoted to each other, even through some absolutely horrific life circumstances.

I think what made me realise it was the real deal was that he stuck with through some very difficult things early on in our relationship (we experienced a violent crime about 6 months in). He didn't leave my side for about 3 weeks after. He pretty much was the only thing that kept me safe through a really rough period of what I know realise was PTSD. That's when I knew he was different, but that's all very dramatic, I think.

In the very early days (before all that), what really made him so different from everyone else I'd dated previously was that he was dependable. If he said, we'll do something on Saturday, we did. If he said, he'd be at mine for 7pm, he was. That sounds silly saying it now, but I'd had so many years of boyfriends just buggering off to do something with their mates. Or changing around plans because something better came up and I wasn't a priority.

And also, oddly, that he had several close female friends (and still does). Very early in our relationship, I remember we had to go on a hunt for a specific present for a friend. I was a bit like 'hmm' initially because I'd never known a guy to care so much about a nice present for a female 'friend' who was truly just a friend before (I hadn't met her yet). But it was truly such a thoughtful gesture. It wasn't because he was stringing her along on the side or because he wanted to get an ego boost from me seeing him buy someone else a present. He just genuinely wanted to get this thing for one of his really good friends. He has 3 close female friends from back then who were housemates at the time, and we're still close with them and their partners and dc. Not many women will be genuinely 'just friends' with a man who is an absolute arse, so it made me feel really confident that he was truly a good guy (and he is).

Agree about not perfect, BUT, I did have to recalibrate my expectations!

Basically their worst flaw should be something that you find slightly irritating. I used to think that "nobody's perfect" meant that it was OK if my partner was occasionally abusive (for example) or had severe control issues - no - there are red lines that you NEVER cross.

Everyone's preferences would be different, for instance DH snores, he plays computer games, his taste in food and clothing is and (probably the hardest one for me) he does not enjoy socialising outside of a group of very close friends. Some MNers would totally be curtains at the gaming/food/fashion thing.

But - I don't mind the gaming, it doesn't encroach on family life and gives me time to MN or game myself. I couldn't give a shit about looking fashionable and I am perfectly capable of socialising by myself (and do drag him to a party/event a couple of times a year which he plays the part acceptably )

In terms of green flags -

Arguing with him hits different. It felt like arguing with my sister and I couldn't work out why - it's because he doesn't threaten to leave or catastrophise every tiny little disagreement and would never ever hurt (verbally or physically) in anger.

YY to listening, seeing me as a full person, being excited for my achievements/dreams, encouraging me, helping me work out plans (if I want him to).

Shared, specific future goals, like looking at where and when we want to buy a house, go on holiday, have children. Not just vague promises of "We'll be together forever / we'll do that one day".

Very true re: female friends, and dear God it's nice to hear that perspective on here rather than the incessant "he's having an emotional/full affair, dump him/demand he stops talking to her" any time a man on here has emotional ties to another female. DH has a number of close female friends and always has, partly because he feels more comfortable being emotionally open with women for various reasons, and partly because y'know he actually likes women and thinks of them as human beings and enjoys their company. I can't stand the reductiveness of thinking that demands to be the only [person of target gender] in a partner's life. If a straight man likes women, genuinely likes them, of course he's likely to like more than one of them enough to spend time with them.

I like the green flags that @SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox listed.

OTOH my ex would have ticked plenty of the boxes people have brought up here, and that was far from a perfect relationship in retrospect. He initially comes across as easy-going and amenable. But actually, he's a people-pleaser: he agrees to do things, but secretly feels taken for granted and resentful. There were few arguments. But that's because he's conflict-avoidant: instead, he'd roll his eyes, or scupper plans by dawdling. I used to list all the pluses (easy going! doesn't argue!) and I think it (deliberately?) distracted me from the downsides.
Any green flags should come with a few caveats.

I think hoping for a "perfect" relationship means you're doomed to failure. Perfect suggests that everything is always great and lovely and it's just not the case.

A good relationship is one where there's give and take and mutual respect. Where you actively enjoy being together. Where you want to be the best you can be for that person and where you also know that when you're not at your best, that's okay too. Kindness and consideration and honesty are key.

Met him when I was 16 and him 18. Was very mature and respectful. Cared about how I felt. He isn't expressive - no I love you's etc. But he more than shows it with doing small things around the house, spending time with me etc. 15 years on he is the same - respectful, supportive and pulls his weight. He also makes me laugh a lot.

Being attentive to each others needs! Stupid sense of humour....kindness! I knew she was the one for me when she offered me a lick of her ice cream on our first date and pushed it in my face 😆

I wonder what it would be like to be in such a relationship.

My ex (together for 21 years) is a nutcase. There was no joy or happiness for the last five years. Just fear, worry and dread.

Well forget 'perfect' to start with, because that's just silly.
My relationship is great because my husband:

• is kind to me. He isn't mean, jealous, secretive or controlling
• spends time with me
• treats my family nicely
• works to pay his way (even though I'm the breadwinner)
• does his share of domestic labour around the house (although I have to take on a management role in this a little more frequently than I'd like)
• encourages me to have friends and a social life, and has his own
• grants me a huge amount of freedom. I've holidayed alone and gone on secondment overseas with my job and he's supported me
• allows me to be 'wierd' and never makes me feel bad about who I am
• puts effort in to honouring birthdays, Christmas and valentines day (although he isn't hugely romantic)
• looks after me in small ways. If I want a sandwich, he'll offer to make it for me, or will bring me a cup of tea if I ask
• makes me laugh
• shares my key values about the 'big' topics, such as attitude to money and attitude to family
• takes care of himself physically.

I hope you get to experience it one day. 💚

Kindness, respect and communication from both sides go a long way

For me, it was two things.

1, they made me a better version of myself. Good advice that worked and just helping me believe in myself.

2, If I thought about what divorcing him would look like, I could see us both being reasonable and not causing drama.

The second is a but negative, but it comes from a positive place and a sense of realism after having two abusive and dramatic exs who wrew full of red flags.

Green looks like you feeling happy. What makes a happy relationship is a relationship that makes you happy.

This question is a bit like asking 'What is a good food?' or 'What is a good hobby?'

People will give you their answers based on what makes them happy.

But asking yourself 'How do the people who make me happy make me happy?' is better than asking a forum, because it's you focussed. Is it that you share hobbies? Is it that you trust them implicitly? Is it that you laugh a lot together? That sort of stuff will give you the ingredients for your happy relationship. For me, it was in the realisation that all the people I'm close to converse on a similar level of depth when it comes to feelings. We open up to a similar degree, and are open to constructive criticism and support in the same way. It will likely be something different for you, but whether you think so or not, you know best what makes you feel good.

I think knowing he was 'the one' and green flags were real and could be trusted, took time. I don't think you can rush it because the more you rush it, the more of a gamble it is.
I felt more and more sure mine was a keeper when I'd seen his reaction and how he treated others in a wide range of situations...
Being stressed out
Someone being vulnerable
Being confronted with an uncomfortable truth
Dealing with someone annoying
Dealing with someone being thoughtless
Being disappointed
Being drunk
Being happy
Dealing with a difficult decision
Losing at a game
What they say when their guard is down
Openness with different areas of their life
Are they consistent of character/personality in the company of different groups
Response to criticism

And so on.
Once you've seen them go through stuff over a period of time you have seen their true colours.

I've been with mine 20 years now and I was in love at 3 months and thought he was the real deal, but was only certain he was someone I could build a life with and he was the person I thought he was about 3-5 years in.
That wasn't deliberate or thought out, I just think that's life.
If he'd asked me to marry him at 2 years I'd probably have said yes, but in reality there was more to know about who he was at that stage, so that would have been more of a leap of faith.
We married at 7 years and there wasn't a shred of doubt then. 😊

I think the word 'certain' is a bit dangerous. Many people are 'certain' and then get a shock when their partner does something they didn't expect. It happens a lot.

The certainty has to be within us, rather than about the other person: certain that we are choosing someone we feel good with, certain that we will leave if things change course negatively, and certain that we will be ok if it comes to that.

well perfect isn’t something I’ve ever looked for because I think it’s self defeating. Happy, definitely - good friendship, good sex, similar aspirations (which means how we share daily life crap as well as the future).

but there have been plenty of times in a 25+ year relationship (that’s spanned shattering life events) when one or more of those things wasn’t as strong as it could have been - so I guess what has kept us together & happy is both is us recognising that quickly, communicating honestly & being willing to adapt to circumstances. We both actually like each other & enjoy being together & that’s never really changed.

Someone who is on the same page about the big things - money, family, long-term commitment etc. My FIL is the kind of bloke who takes commitment seriously and I think his attitudes have rubbed off on my DH. He's not the type to quit and walk away, he's the sort who proactive looks to fix problems.

Also honesty, mutual respect, humour and lots of hugs. (Lots of sex is good but there will be many many times in life when you are both too knackered to bother, so affectionate maintenance hugs become important for showing love and affection.)

And honestly I’ve never thought in terms of forever, we’re just pretty happy now or not in which case we do something about it.