Those in happy ‘perfect’ relationships…

[Perfectpeonies]

How did you know they were the ‘one’. What qualities make your relationship happy?

I’ve spent so long studying red flags that I’ve forgotten what green looks like.

• Listens and genuinely cares about your wellbeing.
• Laughs with you, not at you.
• Small, frequent acts of kindness can be a more useful green flag than infrequent big ‘ta-dah’ moments because the former is more likely to focus on how you feel or what you need while the latter is sometimes more about how good they look.
• Mutual respect in how you communicate.
• Notices when you need a hug or a boost. Wants to hear about your day.
• Thinks you’re pretty darned good exactly as you are rather than some project for improvement.
• Both have your own interests and friends but get an added kick out of doing stuff together.
• Doesn’t expect either of you to be psychic - works with you to nurture the ability to talk through the big and small stuff but also knows when to let stuff go.
• Respects boundaries and the fact that you share only what you want to share. Doesn’t expect immediate open access to your personal history.
• Is worthy of trust and demonstrates a similar belief in your trust worthiness.

Just like other people say don't look for perfect.

I am always told we have a 'perfect' relationship, six to others it might seem that way. But really we have worked so well because we have similar values particularly around family and work. We have also grown together a lot I think. I actually think what makes us seem 'perfect' is that I genuinely believe we are better as a team than as individuals, silly example but when we cooked Christmas dinner, it really felt like team work. I always order Turkey as I am a forward planner, he always goes to get the fresh things closer to xmas. tasks are just done and we each do the things we are better at. Dh is much better than cleaning than me, but I sort out recipes, lay the table etc and we s add actually cook together.

There is however a lot we both put up with each other , but at the end of the day we actually want to spend spare time together and with the children. he puts me and the kids above anything else always.
I don't think we have fireworks sex anymore after 25 yes together but I still really enjoy sex and have fun.
I do think of him as my best friend, I can actually talk to him, and feel comfortable which is so important

What an uplifting positive thread. Really enjoyed reading it.

Such a change from cheating, red flags, LTB, pussyfooting around men, ghosting, 👻 breadcrumbs, all the usual miserable stuff about feckless selfish and controlling men!

I don't think people in relationships that work over a long time can always say that they "knew" from the very start that it was going to work out in the long term. I can only really speak about our relationship, which still contains mysteries and surprises - started going out at 12 and still together at 61. The relationship right now is what we have built - we have both learned about each others needs and aspirations, listened and learned what was important and on the whole tried to understand what makes the other person happy, how to keep the relationship on an even keel. It's a very complex thing - a relationship that is strong enough to cope with an the things that change gradually in life over time like the stresses of work, parenthood, friendships, etc, well as all the unexpected events - for us, a child becoming very ill, parents dying, unemployment, financial decisions gone wrong, other bad decisions. So if they're is anything to be distilled from what we have built it's come from communication that is constant, open, deep and wide ranging, brutally honesty - what we do has built trust. I like that our relationship is far from perfect - it never had been - both of us would agree that the very idea of perfection in anything in life is a ridiculous and unhelpful one - of the was every perfection in our lives or relationship it would have been for a very brief moment - we are changing all the time - how well you cope and individuals and as a couple comes down to how adaptable you are, how quickly and easily you can let go of things and embrace new things. I can't spell out every tiny facet of what is a hugely complicated dynamic that exists between us - wet never used the word love - like perfection, it's such an unhelpful, meaningless term - how can one word describe something so complex and ever changing? It's hard sometimes to even generalise - there are contradictions in many areas of our lives. I would say we both see "the relationship" as something that of fig for both of us do we continue to invest in it rather than thinking about ourselves first above the relationship - there are conversations that have been like threads that have gone on for years - they are like a prevailing winds that keeps pushing the relationship in certain directions - for example, my wife wants to travel more than me so she pushes for that and I work towards meeting her needs, I try to make decisions with her that enable her to fulfill her dreams. I have many creative interests that she does not share but she works to try to accommodate what is for me a very deep need. We have quite different personalities in some ways - I am a dandelion that can flourish in any environment (all kinds of situations - social, work, business - I have a lot of self belief and confidence), my wife is an orchid who needs the exact right conditions to flourish - she doubts herself too much IMHO as she's is a very good judge of people and situations, far more intuitive than I am - so we see strengths in each other. Like most relationships in the first 15 years we went through some very emotional ups and downs - we were young, immature and had a lot to learn about ourselves, each other and how relationships work - we both came from similarly unstable/disrupted family backgrounds so we always think that what we sought and valued was stability - we didn't have it in our early home lives but we've tried to built it into our relationship - we can disagree and argue, debate and converse but we'd never say anything just to hurt the other person however heated a disagreement might be - we don't always manage to make up before bedtime but really, fall outs don't long - we don't get petty with each other, we quickly start doing the little things for each other that we normally do. As far as trust goes we both go all in - I think you have to - I could not trust anyone else as much as I trust my wife and in all areas of my life. So, in a nutshell, your relationship is what you build and the building never stops - we are committed to the relationship first because, overall, it makes life better for both of us.

Our relationship is not perfect, but these things stand out for why we've made it over 25 year:

Arguments are fleeting and over quickly
No grudges
We touch often in a nonsexual way
We have our own space and hobbies
We are open about money
Our relationship as husband and wife comes before our child
He puts me first in the bedroom. Always.

Wow, what incredible responses. I think ‘listens’ came up quite a lot. So often I’ve been on dates where, rather than listening to what I am saying, they are just thinking about the next thing THEY want to say. Kindness and gentleness too. My previous relationship was very explosive and I would love a gentle giant that never raises his voice, this thread gives me hope that they are out there

Happy is not the same as perfect.

This is where I think a lot of people go wrong when they are looking for a good relationship. You need to remember that nothing is perfect.

All relationships involve compromise, all involve disagreements, both people have to be mature and respectful of the other.

Relationships often break down when people cannot emphathise or cannot put someone else's needs above their own.

I think compromise is key. Some of the responses to relationship issues on here are often so aggressive and unyielding. Even a passing thought about the other person's point of view causes a massive pile on.

Nothing is perfect. But:

• He genuinely thinks I'm awesome and wants the best for me. He wants better for me than I want for myself. He loves it when I'm happy and hates it when I'm sad and does what he can to make it "happy".
• We both believe in each other and in our relationship. On the rare occasions he's grumpy or snappy, I don't think what an arsehole he is, I think "gosh, he must be feeling really tired or ill to be so irritable". I know we're both deeply committed to our relationship and to doing the things it takes to keep it healthy.
• we turn towards each other to solve problems and not away. If I feel distant from him or annoyed by him, what I want is to talk about that with him and work it out. And we do.

Everything you put makes sense there....apart from putting your relationship above that of your child.

Obviously you have to make time for each other in the relationship away from your child, and a relationship that's completely focused on your children to the exclusion of your partner is unbalanced, but any partner that sought to prioritise me over and above our children would make me go cold.

Given how aggressive and unyielding so many responses are in so many issues on MN, it's no wonder so many relationships fail if they are like that IRL!

He's kind. He supports me in whatever I am doing. We can have a bicker without it becoming a full on argument. He is interested in doing things together. I trust him. When my mother was still alive he was able to pick her up from the toilet where she had got stuck and put her to bed. He helps people and doesn't look for reward or recognition. I love him.

He loves our cats even more than I do.

He is kind and thoughtful. Never so much as raised his voice to me. Doesn't sulk. Pulls his weight. Doesn't wank incessantly to porn and isn't driven by his dick. Loves me exactly as I am and makes me feel beautiful even though I most definitely am not. Listens to me without the usual "why didnt you just do xyz". Many many more reasons.

I knew when I met my DH he was the one, I can't exp,aim why I just knew without a doubt. With my first DH I thought he was, I didn't "know" he was!

Sounds like an identical marriage to mine, including us both being annoying 😂

Mutual respect is another one. How they treat you in bed (it's never all about him).

But also, whilst red flags are obviously important, no marriage/relationship is perfect and you also need to be self aware enough to realise that you're not perfect either. What red flags might you be waving for him? Relationships are a compromise. Such a cliché but true.

No such thing as perfect. However, someone you feel comfortable with, have a laugh with, don't second guess their intentions or walk on eggshells around them in case they get angry, and who is kind and respectful to serving staff, is a very good start.

I chose mine because he is especially kind. Kind to friends, kind to people he doesn't know, kind to irritating family members etc. Not just the people he likes!
Also he obviously met all the basic requirements - trustworthy, doesn't lie, reliable, caring, doesn't shout or take anger out on others, etc.

25 years together and happy because we understand and accept each other’s imperfections and both make some effort to addressing our own.

Things that were evident from the outset: he is kind, caring, patient and hard working.

Nothing is perfect, but weve been together 17 years and hes really lovely to me, and if hes a dickhead he owns it, and if im a dickhead hes kind and patient usually. We both accept each other, flaws and all and respect each other, and we both fancy each other and both enjoy sex and try and please each other.

I do understand your point-of-view, and perhaps I didn’t explain myself well.

I see us as prioritising our marriage AS putting our child first. We are our child’s very foundations and security. Us having a stable, happy marriage is for our child! That means we do sometimes say ‘Come back in half an hour. Mummy and Daddy are having a quiet cup of tea together.’ She is eight so can understand that.

Our daughter is a very stable, happy child partly because she comes from a calm home in which her parents show love to each other and have adult time. My mother was a martyr to her children at the expense of her marriage. Putting her children first, over and above my father at all times caused a very unhappy home.

I would add that I only feel this way about my child’s biological father. We were together 19 years before she was born and will hopefully be together for many years after she has left home. For whatever reason were I to enter a relationship with another man, he would never come before my daughter. I wouldn’t even live with another man.

And in case I still come across as a terrible mother, mine and my husband’s planned day off last Friday when our daughter was at school was well and truly scuppered by her developing scarlet fever. Of course, I put my husband first and sent her school anyway! - only kidding! She lay between us in our bed as we kissed her, kept her cool and dosed her up with paracetamol and antibiotics. And we worried, and sighed, and gladly put her first, and would die for her.

Sorry to hi-Jack your thread, Op.

Our relationship isn’t ‘perfect’ and I don’t think anyones is, but it’s pretty bloody great and we’re very happy together. I was drawn to him in the first place because we just clicked, he exuded warmth and kindness and, while he could chat and make me laugh which is great, he also really listened and remembered.
As the years have gone by, I think the main points which make him such a cracking husband are down to that kindness, his ability to put me and our family before anything else, he’s hardworking and generous, plus he’s bloody gorgeous and I still fancy the pants off him 😂 ultimately I know he’s on ‘my team’, he has my back 100% and he respects and appreciates me and all I do.

I can fart in front of him and he thinks it's funny.

My ex would look away I disgust and sometimes not talk to me for a while afterward.

Sounds silly, but it's important. Being 100% myself around him and being able to tell him anything without it compromising our relationship. I once even had a little crush on someone else and was just able to tell him and it made me realise that physical crushes on others is normal, even in a healthy relationship, but the love I have for him is forever. The respect he shows me is second to none.

After o had my daughter, I had bowel incontinence. He made me laugh my way through shitting shelf in public, I think with anyone else I would have cried and never gotten over it.

I think this post nails it.

And read Gorman’s seven principles of a successful marriage. All based on research and outlines pretty clearly what makes a marriage work.