Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Would you put up with this?

75 replies

justonemorecookie · 09/02/2008 12:14

I am in a horrible situation with my husband. Ill firstly list the things he has done:-

Run up £15,000 of debt on credit cards and loans without me knowing, but has nothing to show for it.
Lent his brother my credit card, without me knowing, which i thought was at £0 who run it up to the limit and was paying barely minimum a month, changed the address the bill was sent to etc.
Run up further debt of £12,000 (after my parents has cleared the previous debt) without telling me and also nothing to show for it.
Caught him in the toilet with one of his work colleagues at his xmas party, apparently not doing anything, but they were both so drunk.
Assaulted me last summer when he came home drunk.
Got his mum a loan for £6000 without telling me

Anyone think they would put up with this.
xxxx

OP posts:

ShakeysGirl · 09/02/2008 16:27

I didn't tell my landlord that i was on housing benefit when i started renting from them as the cheques came directly to me. I did save up before hand tho and paid them 3 months rent in advance as i knew they wouldn't question me to much with a load of money in their hand! It was deceitful but i needed the house and was struggling to find somewhere that accepted housing benefit. Also, their was a box to tick on the housing form that asked if it was ok to contact the landlord - i said no.

chocolatespiders · 09/02/2008 16:28

SG - was that through an agent or did you deal with landlord directly?

Wisteria · 09/02/2008 16:30

chocolate spiders - I tended to make assumptions on references, appearance and manners!

To be honest I had more trouble with damage to property and nonpayment of rent from private tenants who worked full time than people on housing benefit - single mums with young children were my best tenants!

(Excepting the case last year of my friend's house, their tenants left the house in such a mess that it had to be fumigated twice afetr they left. I went in to help her clean it up for redecorating and I guessed the age of the children from the height of fecal matter smeared on door archetraves )

Buckets · 09/02/2008 18:37

I think a big issue with HB tenants is that HB systems are nototriously unreliable - overpayments, underpayments, delays in processing after changes in circs and annual review. Having worked briefly in LA housing, the 'paperless office' scanning process doesn't really help speed up applications either. If you could rely on your parents to lend you money briefly at times like that, your landlord need never know you receive HB. If they find out you say you weren't receiving it when you signed the contract and if rent is always on time / property kept well I'm sure they won't care.
As Wisteria says, even the richest tenants can be filthy or nightmarish, private landlords just want a quiet life.

chocolatespiders · 09/02/2008 19:44

thanks for the info

i guess the best bet is to save enough money to pay a good few months rent in advance... ?

Original poster

justonemorecookie · 09/02/2008 21:09

Hi people. Im back and husband is out on the lash. Ive told him not to be home in the early hours and not to be absolutely smashed as if so, our marriage is over.
My dad has just been round to help me fill our 2 housing forms for 2 councils and 3 pre-tenancy determination forms. I would be worried sick about lying on any husinf forms saying i dont have housing benefits.....surely they could find out.

OP posts:

lardylumps · 09/02/2008 21:17

he can still be an fantastic father without ruining your life. He clearly is not an fantastic partner

Get out and agree that you should contact experian. He has committed fraud.

To do this to the mother of your child is awful, you deserve better.

Original poster

justonemorecookie · 09/02/2008 21:24

my parents said they would put up the deposit needed for a rental property, so that is good. Also I found out that my dd gets grant for her pre-school after easter (i tbought it was september) so ill be £60 a month better off to start with.

OP posts:

Wisteria · 09/02/2008 23:12

Just.......cookie - I am so pleased that you have your parents' support in all this; that will make it far easier.

the problem with telling him that if he gets pissed tonight then the marriage is over is, what if he doesn't? I feel from your posts that tonight won't make a deal of difference and you may be setting yourself up for a round of arguments...unless you are giving him enough rope to hang himself

Original poster

justonemorecookie · 11/02/2008 07:08

Ok, so lets give you all an update. Husband came home at 3am and was completely hammered.
When he went to work on sunday at 7am (still drunk) I sat on the sofa with my little girl and wrote a message on my mobile saying I think we should call it a day and seperate. I sat there forever before i sent it deciding if it was the right thing to do, then I eventually sent it. I didnt get any reply back, but when he came home at 9am, he asked what had made me come to that decision, and I just said i was so unahppy and that i hadnt come to that decision lightly. I then went out with my mum and dad for the whole day with my daughter, and didnt hear a thing from him. When we got home, it was as if nothing had been said. He asked should we go and get a dvd and snuggle up and watch it. I said no, i think we have have some talking to do. So when I put our dd to bed, we sat a talked, although just going round the houses again and not coming to any decisions. When we went to bed, he went straight to sleep, and I tried to relax and sleep, but at 2am had a massive anxiety attack. Feel awful today. What am i to do? xx

OP posts:

luminarphrases · 11/02/2008 07:23

hello, can't advise much but just wanted to reiterate what others have said.

from your comments, sounds like he's seriously bottling things up. you sound close to your parents, is it possible for you to stay there for a few days whilst you think things through without his interruption?

WiiMii · 11/02/2008 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usandnosleep · 11/02/2008 07:28

What a horrible situation but I think you know that if you want a chance of happiness you should leave.
You can't trust him with anything- you deserve better than that x

Original poster

justonemorecookie · 11/02/2008 07:31

lumi - I could go and stay at my parents, but i dont see why i should be the one to leave. He should make himself scarce until i find somewhere else to live with his daughter.

OP posts:

WiiMii · 11/02/2008 07:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Buckets · 11/02/2008 08:23

If it's tied accommodation in his name, he really ought to stay or he might get in trouble with work. If he wants to drink and gamble himself into the ground there that's up to him. You need to walk away and get on with making your new and better life. The longer you stay, the more chance you have of getting pg - yes things could be worse!
Sod the fact that it's his daughter too, you know you can't rely upon him so you are always going to have to be the grown up. It won't be easy, not least being the 'bigger man' and letting him have access, not being unkind about him in front of DD etc but at least you'll be in control of your lives. And one day you'll meet someone normal who puts you and your DD first - right now you don't know what you're missing and you never will if you stay.

Original poster

justonemorecookie · 11/02/2008 08:42

Buckets - are you a counsellor....if not you sure could be. That was an amazing post. I just find it bizarre that he is behaving like nothing has happened or been said. Today, I will be dropping of my housing forms personally to the councils and getting the pre tenancy determination forms sorted. I would just like to stay in this home for my daughters sake (too much change etc) until i find smewhere else to live. Surely it cant take that long.
He has just come home and said to me, ill leave the decision up to you then babe, and I said with what, and he said with what you wanna do?

OP posts:

luminarphrases · 11/02/2008 09:46

oh i agree cookie, sorry if it sounded wrong, it was just about it being his work accommodation

Buckets · 11/02/2008 18:02

LOL, no I just have a really lovely husband so I know they can be found .
A word on housing lists - you need to be in actual housing need to get anywhere fastish eg sharing a room with your DD. If you were sharing a sofa with her in someone's lounge you might get an offer within 6months.
You can still be on the housing list while you rent privately but it will take a couple of years or more to get an offer. But even if the place they offer is horrible, once you have a Council/hsng assoc tenancy you can find an exchange.
I would stay at your folks while you save up and look at private flats - will be a nice break for you both. Do you have any single friends/relatives who might fancy sharing a place with you? That would be the most economical option.

Original poster

justonemorecookie · 11/02/2008 20:28

Im trying to rack my brains to think of someone we could stay with, although i suppose there is nothing wrong with staying with my parents. I just wanted to keep things as normal for my daughter for as long as possible.
Today my sister drove me to both council office to drop off housing forms and 3 pre-tenancy determination forms for 3 properties ive seen. I just need to kno what housing benefit i will get. Then i can get the wheels in motion. She was great, we stopped at tesco got as many papers as we could and ploughed through them getting rental numbers, and phoning. She found a 2 bed property close by which accepts housing benefit, so am gonna call tomorrow to arrange viewing......x

OP posts:

Buckets · 11/02/2008 20:50

Good work, fingers crossed for you . New life is just around the corner...

AllieBongo · 11/02/2008 22:12

well done for getting this far. there is some fab advice on here. you will be fine, just keep being as strong as you are

MrsMacaroon · 11/02/2008 22:30

JOMC- As the child of an alcoholic, abuser and co-dependent mother, your DD will NOT thank you for staying and putting up with this...I actually now feel more anger at my mother for not keeping me safe than I do for my father (not that I don't feel angry with him though!). Your husband is behaving this way as he thinks you'll change your mind. He's obviously majorly in denial generally, judging by the types of abuse (substance, domestic and mental) he has displayed. In this situation, getting you and your child away from him asap should be the priority so I applaud you for having the courage of your conviction. Getting distance will give you more objectivity and strength. If my mum had done what you're doing now, it would have saved me years of pain and distress. Well done.

Buckets · 12/02/2008 11:44

And don't forget to chat on the Lone Parents forum - I know that's a scary label to take on but they really know their stuff there, can show you how well you will cope and will be a huge support for you.

Original poster

justonemorecookie · 16/02/2008 08:19

OK peeps, an update. Ive been viewing some houses for me and my daughter and am waiting for the council to get back to me with regard to how much housing benefit i would be entitled to. Its so frustrating and long winded. I want replies and answers now!!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3