Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you put up with this?

75 replies

justonemorecookie · 09/02/2008 12:14

I am in a horrible situation with my husband. Ill firstly list the things he has done:-

  • Run up £15,000 of debt on credit cards and loans without me knowing, but has nothing to show for it.
  • Lent his brother my credit card, without me knowing, which i thought was at £0 who run it up to the limit and was paying barely minimum a month, changed the address the bill was sent to etc.
  • Run up further debt of £12,000 (after my parents has cleared the previous debt) without telling me and also nothing to show for it.
  • Caught him in the toilet with one of his work colleagues at his xmas party, apparently not doing anything, but they were both so drunk.
  • Assaulted me last summer when he came home drunk.
  • Got his mum a loan for £6000 without telling me

Anyone think they would put up with this.
xxxx

OP posts:
Original poster
justonemorecookie · 09/02/2008 14:27

Wisteria, I have checked all the household stuff and have changed anything that was in my name into his. And we have no joint debts.
Im just so confused. I need to find out what housing benefit I would be entitled to, but the council say i need to find a property first before they tell me how much. Surely I need to know what i can afford first.

OP posts:
cory · 09/02/2008 14:28

What you need to think about is not only the immediate dangers to your dc's (repossession, violence etc) but what the example of their dad is likely to do for their own development. Years down the line, when they are looking around for partners and settling down in relationships, it will be your relationship with their dad that is at the back of their head.

If you have a ds, he will have learnt that this is how you treat women. Is that likely to make him happy in life? And how about his future partner? Would you feel happy to find out he was treating her like this?

If you have a dd, this is what she will think is reasonable behaviour from a future partner. IME if you look at the lives of women with abusive husbands, an scary proportion of them have had fathers who behaved the same way to their mothers. Their expectations are low, and so is their self-esteem as women. If their Mum put up with it, why shouldn't they?

It must be incredibly hard to come to a decision now, but remember that the signals you send to your children will be them all their lives. It is worth losing your home if you don't have to grow up thinking it's ok to be abused or cheated because you are a woman.

Wisteria · 09/02/2008 14:33

Do you work?

If not, then find a private landlord(something our tenants used to ask us to do) - then ask if they'd consider increasing the cost of the rent by £10-15 a week on the paperwork for the housing office so that they actually get the real amount , IME the housing association always pay with a slight shortfall and if things are going to be tight for a while then it might help a bit.

Original poster
justonemorecookie · 09/02/2008 14:34

I know exactly what your saying cory, and its true. How on earth do i bring the subject up, when we are trying to sort our marriage out.
x

OP posts:
Lulumama · 09/02/2008 14:37

have you asked him what the money was for? #27 000 with nothing to show for it is frightening, and you as for giving his brother your card?????? WTF? how could he change the details if it was your card? have you told the card provider that your card was used fraudulently..

marriage is not about putting up with something, but making a decent life together

Original poster
justonemorecookie · 09/02/2008 14:38

I do work, but only 16 hours a week. Ive contacted a few estate agents in my town and they dont accept housing benefit. Which sucks because the landlords are getting their rent, and Im not gonna trash the place.

OP posts:
Wisteria · 09/02/2008 14:42

It may well be worth your while upping your hours if that's possible (depending on the age of your dcs). If you work over 30 hours a week and earn under £17-18k you'd get the top whack of WFTC which is not bad at all.

Keep looking for tenanted properties - there are plenty of agencies/ landlords who do accept HB tenants.

Original poster
justonemorecookie · 09/02/2008 14:44

It was a barclaycard and when you get the bill through on the back is a change of address form which he filled in with his brothers address, so I was none the wiser as i thought because the bill was at £0 they had forgot about it.
He has never told me what the money was used for so I assume it was gambling as he is in the horseracing industy.

OP posts:
Wisteria · 09/02/2008 14:50

You know what I would do?

Ring the police and report a fraud - ring Barclaycard and do the same.

It is theft & fraud - whoever it was, as they basically impersonated you. I would press charges.

Lulumama · 09/02/2008 14:55

agree with wisteria. and him working in horseracing would give credence to the fact he has a gambling problem.

horrible situation, i feel for you.

if he has a gambling addiction, you cannot stop him, he has to do that himself.

chocolatespiders · 09/02/2008 14:59

life is far to short to live a life like this - surely you must know that?

you deserve happiness not this crap....

i am a single mum with 2 dd's and yes it is hard at times, but we are happy.. and i would not put up with that just to be with someone

you have to put yourself and you dc first

chocolatespiders · 09/02/2008 15:01

dont tell the agents about the HB... it will be paid to you and you will just pay it to landlord?

chocolatespiders · 09/02/2008 15:03

have you been on entitledto .com? for benefit advice

i would think they would pay most of it if you work 16 hours

i work 24

Original poster
justonemorecookie · 09/02/2008 15:10

Do you not have to sign any forms when renting a property to advise if you are or any benefits?

Wisteria, he did the barclaycard thing about 4 years ago now, and its all paid off.

Gonna go on entitled to dot com and see whats what.

I just need someone to suggest how i go about sitting husband down and ending it?

OP posts:
LIZS · 09/02/2008 15:14

choc spiders that is all very well but she needs to be able to make up any shortfall between HB and the actual rent, there's no guarantee it would cover it all. They also do credit checks which , if you have been deceived with credit cards may no longer be as healthy as you hope. Can you go to CAB for advice ?

Wisteria · 09/02/2008 15:23

I would sit him down at a time when you won't be disturbed by the children.

Write a list of all the transgressions, past and present and just present him with it.

Be strong and tell him that there is no point in any kind of reconciliation attempts.

He does not respect you, is treating you abominably and as far as you are concerned the marriage has now broken down irretrievably.

Wisteria · 09/02/2008 15:24

Unless things have changed in recent years DSS usually pay direct to the landlord or letting agent.

That's what happened when I ran a property development/ lettings agency

Buckets · 09/02/2008 15:32

Write out the list from your OP and give it to him. Ask him if he would put up with it from you? Ask him what has changed? Ask him what he spends the money on. Check back to this thread regularly to remember that it is no way to be treated in a relationship and that your kids need to be living with a strong, committed parent, they will be better off not living with gambling, alcohol and violence problems.

chocolatespiders · 09/02/2008 15:45

if your credit check comes back poor you can have a garuntor for private renting

try and do a pre tenancy determination form to see what you will get .i know it is a pain but it is worth it

also on the website i put you put in your income etc and the rent payments and it gives you a figure for HB ,... it is normally accurate...

i get HB and they work it out on your income etc.. and it shouldnt leave you to much out of pocket.. unless you have loans / cars etc to pay off- they wont take this into consideration.

i hope this helps you

chocolatespiders · 09/02/2008 15:47

wisteria - think all areas differ... there is a box to tick on our forms to get it paid to landlord...

if HA or council it goes straight to them but not if private renting

Wisteria · 09/02/2008 15:52

oh right - yes it could have been a condition we imposed thinking about it - it was 7 years ago for me so memory is sketchy!

chocolatespiders · 09/02/2008 15:56

for me it is the best option....

but not if i went somewhere that wouldnt take HB....

I wish people wouldnt judge people on there HB- you obviously didnt... good for you

I get hb.. but i also work very hard.. and would look after any home me and girls lived in.....

is the image changing or do they judge on individual circumstanes?

Original poster
justonemorecookie · 09/02/2008 16:04

Just finishing off at work, will post tonight when hubby goes out on the lash. Thank you all so much for your help.
x

OP posts:
colditz · 09/02/2008 16:06

No, I probably wouldn't, and neither would anyone else, but I know what it's like when you have invested a lot into a relationship and it goes down hill.

I would leave him or make him leave you/

colditz · 09/02/2008 16:10

women's aid

And don't say you can't phone them cos you're not abused. I rang them last year with less provocation. They helped me a LOT. Ring them. They will help you.