Struggling with dp

[Navigatingarelationship]

I've known my dp as a friend for many years. Last year we decided on a fwb thing only for it to quickly develop into more as we felt there was more intimacy and companionship than a fwb warranted and we wanted it to continue. Things were pretty good up until Christmas and I couldn't see myself being with anyone else.

The problem is that dp is very closed off emotionally. I suspect he's on the autism spectrum. I'm someone who likes my space so I don't mind not being in each other's pockets, AT ALL, but I do miss emotional connection. When we're together, usually after sex, we talk about all sorts of stuff and it feels very intimate. It's not just about sex. He has recently said that he feels very committed to me and would even marry me.

However, more and more I'm starting to struggle and have serious doubts. We have been away a couple of times and I've noticed that when he gets stressed he completely closes down and comes across as being very moody. I had a difficult previous relationship many years earlier so I know I'm extra sensitive to this, but I want to be able to relax around my romantic partner, not feel as though I'm a million miles away and lonely.

These are two silly examples of what I mean:

We were in the car in heavy traffic and dp asked what some writing was on the the building to my left as he wanted to know what building it was. I was struggling to see (I'm short) and asked him what he meant. He said 'the DOOR' in quite a sharp, snappy tone, to which I said I couldnt even see the door from where I was sitting!

Also, we went into a supermarket for snacks. I needed the toilet. I said I'd follow him out to the car after I'd been. When I walked back out he was waiting for me with a blank look on his face, totally dispassionate, no smile or anything. He does tend to have a poker face but this bothered me.

Physically he can be very affectionate and we have moments where it feels like we are emotionally connecting too. He thinks we are communicating well. I feel very lonely around him. I don't know if I'm expecting too much because I know he was very stressed and when he feels like that he goes inward. I don't expect him to be happy all the time -that would be ridiculous.

I guess I'm confused as things felt so good but now we're going out and doing more I'm noticing how shut down he is. When we were staying somewhere he was very critical about everything and that's just not my style.

I don't know what to do because we've known each other for a long time and recently he's been saying how happy he is and how much this relationship has helped his mental health. I love the moments of intimacy and the fact we give each other space but it's not good if I don't feel relaxed around him is it? I have a history of past abuse so I'm extra sensitive to this.

We don't hold hands while out unless I initiate. He doesn't even take the nearest seat if we sit at a table of four.

I'm so sad. Please help.

The first one, when looking out the window and asking you to read something. He snapped at you, this is not acceptable behaviour. However I've no idea if/what happened before this as you didn't mention.

The second one, when you went to the toilet and he was waiting in the car park. Well, you went to the toilet and he waited for you. Not sure what you were expecting. Song and Dance upon your return?

"The problem is that dp is very closed off emotionally. I suspect he's on the autism spectrum."

Please don't assume that. Just because someone may not show emotions like you doesn't automatically mean mental health issues.

Sounds to me like there is no emotional connection, apart from during/after sex. This isn't a relationship it's sex with someone. You both have different levels/ways of showing emotion. If it's not right for you, he's not the man for you.

I don’t talk about sex after we’ve had sex - it wouldn’t cross my mind to do so !

It may be that you’re just not compatible but you do seem to be over analysing everything abut him. Nobody is perfect and you should decide whether you can accept him as he is - as he won’t change .

The op didn't say she wanted to talk about sex after sex. She wanted to talk after sex, which is reasonable. It doesn't help when people misrepresent what op said.

Thank you for your thoughts. Nothing happened prior to this. We were on a long drive and been quiet.

No I wasn't expecting a song and dance. Just a smile maybe? I don't know. I might be being unreasonable which is why I posted. I think it's more that he has a poker face generally.

Yes it feels like a lack of emotional connection apart from on occasions, usually after sex. He is very practical and will always help me out but I miss an emotional connection.

When I'm stressed or upset I shut myself off too, my DP prefers to have a hug when he's upset but I don't want anyone touching me, it doesn't mean I don't love him, I just process things differently and need a bit of space. The snapping at you isn't on, but if it was a one off then we can't really judge him on that, no one is perfect and everyone snaps/sounds moody/gets agitated, its if its constant that there's a problem, every now and again is perfectly normal.

It does seem like you are reading too much into little things because of your past, there's nothing that jumps out to me to say LTB, But that been said, if its not working for you then it's not working for you, you don't need to have a reason, or for there to be a great big problem, you just not feeling it is more than enough reason to end it.

Thanks for this. Yes we don't talk about the sex. We just talk generally after sex, it seems to help him open up a bit.

Thanks for your perspective. Well it's difficult because dp seems to snap quite a lot. He has that sort of short irritated energy about him. It's very hard to put into words and I don't know if it's me being extra sensitive or just the way he is and hes not actually snapping!

I guess I need to think long and hard about whether this is really working for me. I know he cares a lot and may not be aware just how he comes across.

I’m not sure if it’s you or him op (sounds like him though although anxiety can be exhausting and make people very snappy and self-focused) … either way I don’t think it should be this hard early on.

If he does have autism maybe he should explore an assessment to give him strategies to live with anxiety better but he won’t change that much because his brain is wired differently and the effects of that are intensely debilitating.

This is the sort of relationship profile you see after twenty plus years together, particularly you feeling lonely.

Time to move on I think. It’s hard. But you are allowed to want more for yourself.

He's snappy, moody and you lack an emotional connection. You don't feel comfortable with him. You need to pay attention to how you feel.

I think you've hit the nail on the head by saying anxiety can make people self focused. I do think a lot of it is anxiety and stress with him and the way he deals with it is to get snappy with people. I I'm not sure he even realises hes doing it.

I don't know if it's a good idea to mention autism to him. I can't see him going for an assessment. I don't think he would want to deal with it. He has physical health issues and I think it would be too much.

He has a really big heart and will do anything for me practically but I think you're right that it shouldn't feel this hard so early.

Short and to the point. Thanks. Yes there's a real lack of comfort. I need to tell him. What a nightmare.

You feel very lonely when you are around him - this in itself is the biggest sign that this is not the right relationship for you.

These are little red flags that you shouldn't ignore. If you feel upset at these "silly" things (that are actually not that silly but show that he's going to snap at you and emotionally punish you for tiny petty things) then imagine how upset you'd be when you find this attitude carries over, but with greater force, for larger issues?

If small non issues create tension and upset like this then the relationship is unlikely to be happy long term or to survive larger issues. I'm sorry OP.

This is my thinking and why I posted really. I felt horrendously lonely while away. I know if I'd been with a friend the entire experience would have been different.

I'm not sure it's a punishment, he wouldn't hurt me, that I know. I think it's more that he has no idea of the impact he is having. It doesn't help I'm extra sensitive due to past abuse. He knows this and we have talked about it before. He said then that he gets stressed but it's not personal to me. But even that being the case, it doesn't bode well if I'm not relaxed around him or able to feel connected.

recently he's been saying how happy he is and how much this relationship helped his mental health.

You have become his emotional support human. He talks after the sex, because the sex relaxes him.

He sounds like my husband. Were both autistic so I understand how he feels when he’s overwhelmed and how this makes him react. He grew up with an unloving mother so is closed off emotionally, I had a similar childhood so can relate to this and although we’d both prefer it if we were better with meeting each others emotional needs it isn’t a big issue that this is something we struggle with.

Will you feel fulfilled with this partner? Can you understand and accept who he is? If not, it doesn’t sound like he’s the right one for you.

Yes most likely. I think he can feel more connected after sex but at other times he's uptight and closed off.

I've been trying to accept him for who he is. The problem is that I'm incredibly sensitive and I think hes just presses on all my buttons in the wrong way. I know he's practical rather than emotional and he goes within when stressed. I think it's the little things that bother me like the lack of facial expressions and the lack of warmth like not wanting to hold my hand unless I initiate. It leaves me feeling like I've done something wrong even though that probably isn't the case. Then when he snaps I feel miles away. I'm not sure this will work for me long term.

@Navigatingarelationship I agree with you that this doesn’t sound like it will work long term. It doesn’t come across as though either of you can be the person the other one deserves.

It sounds like you're not compatible. I had a FWB situation for about 18 months. We'd been friends for years prior. We never attempted a relationship because we both wanted different things and weren't compatible in that way. We did get on like a house on fire, had great sexual chemistry and emotionally supported each other if one of us were having a tough time. None of this made us compatible as a couple though. Sometimes people just aren't. Sometimes people are just really good friends.

This clearly isn't working for you so I'd suggest ending the relationship, especially if you want to remain friends. You may have been great for his mental health but you are not his therapist and you need to feel good in the relationship too. It's not a one way street. There's also no reason why you can't support him as a friend.

My DH is my safe place. I never feel lonely with him or like I'm walking on eggshells. That's how it should be.

You're just not suited to one another. There's nothing wrong with that! You gave the relationship a good go but there are obvious issues and now it's time to go your separate ways.

This is really helpful thanks. I think this is the case with us that we are good friends and enjoy sexual chemistry but as a couple we just don't work. I'm scared that he won't want to go back to fwb but I can't really continue like this.

One of the main traits of autism is a difficulty with communication and this very often means non-verbal communication as well. So the little smiles, acknowledgments and touches that you talk about might be the very things that DP finds difficult or even can't really see or do without a serious prompt or nudge.

It is something that can be worked on through practice and repetition and routines but I suspect you are one of those individuals that really needs these things to be natural and frequent in order to boost your self esteem and emotional connection.

Neither of you is in the wrong. He can't help who he is in the same way you can't either. You might just not be very emotionally suited. My DH is way more tactile than me, but I have my moments. But just because I'm a bit of a cold fish doesn't mean I don't really love him.
You probably need a big chat with DP to get to the bottom of your compatibility.

Would you really want to do fwb again? It already feels that his needs are being met whilst yours aren't and fwb will exacerbate this situation. You'll also be concentrating on him rather than seeking someone who can properly make you happy.