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Original poster

He is taking advantage

38 replies

KC09 · 20/02/2023 22:46

So, I have been with my OH for approx 2 years and he doesn’t earn as much money as me (that itself is not an issue) however, I end up paying for everything when we’re together. We go for dinner, I pay. Day trips, I pay. Short breaks, I pay. Even if he drops/ collects me from a girls night, I pay his fuel. Well more than actually. He is always asking to ‘lend’ or ‘borrow’ money. Now, I’m technically a single parent to 2, as me & him do not live together. My children’s dad does not contribute financially and has no role in their life (his choice) so I’m supporting my children single handedly. Previously, I always said ‘no’ or ‘I don’t have it’ when he’d ask to ‘borrow’ money but recently, I’ve come into a bit of money & I’ve felt bad saying no and knowing he is struggling. But my issue is - he struggles because he doesn’t prioritise his money. He will buy trainers, clothes etc, has financed an expensive car that consumes fuel and yet he’s struggling to buy essentials. When we eat out he feels no way about ordering whatever he wants off the menu, knowing he isn’t paying and doesn’t ever think about the financial cost to me. We might just go for coffee & I pay. If I support him to any appointments I pay for car parking etc. It’s been that long since he’s paid for anything, it’s really starting to bother me. More so because he has money to do what he wants & also, because I think he feels no way about me paying for things despite the fact I have 2 children, a mortgage & a home to run whilst he lives at home with his parents paying less than £100 a week all in. The fact he earns less is not my issue, it’s the expectation that I pay for things with him giving no regard to the potential impact of this upon me or my children. Im not sure if I’m over reacting or if he’s absolutely taking me for a ride.

OP posts:
Grandmasword · 20/02/2023 22:49

He is clearly using you. A desent man would never behave like this. He wont change.

scoobydoo1971 · 20/02/2023 23:01

He is not your OH. He is a leech. There are plenty out there. Emotionally detach yourself and step backwards. You have a would-be cocklodger from hell on your hands. Your money is for you and your family. He is not family, and he is mean. He also has no pride because he is happy to sponge off you. So, why are you wasting your time, effort and finances on this loser? He is not a loser because he earns less than you. He is a loser because he mooches off you, with no remorse. But you let him, and it is time to zip up the purse strings and refuse to go on dates that he doesn't pay half for. No more fancy dinners. Dates can be cheap, but he will lose interest when you stop funding him and suggest a walk in the park. If he respected you, he would not want a loan. You shouldn't even discuss your finances with him. Do not feel sorry for him. He is using you for your resources. Certain men target single parents with children, because they think you will be grateful for their company, and willing to give them stuff to keep their attention. I've had a few wannabee cocklodgers and they were all dispatched quickly. Don't fall in a trap and see this has no future...unless you pay for it. Your children deserve better than having funds diverted into the pockets of this man.

Naunet · 21/02/2023 09:07

KC09 · 20/02/2023 22:46

So, I have been with my OH for approx 2 years and he doesn’t earn as much money as me (that itself is not an issue) however, I end up paying for everything when we’re together. We go for dinner, I pay. Day trips, I pay. Short breaks, I pay. Even if he drops/ collects me from a girls night, I pay his fuel. Well more than actually. He is always asking to ‘lend’ or ‘borrow’ money. Now, I’m technically a single parent to 2, as me & him do not live together. My children’s dad does not contribute financially and has no role in their life (his choice) so I’m supporting my children single handedly. Previously, I always said ‘no’ or ‘I don’t have it’ when he’d ask to ‘borrow’ money but recently, I’ve come into a bit of money & I’ve felt bad saying no and knowing he is struggling. But my issue is - he struggles because he doesn’t prioritise his money. He will buy trainers, clothes etc, has financed an expensive car that consumes fuel and yet he’s struggling to buy essentials. When we eat out he feels no way about ordering whatever he wants off the menu, knowing he isn’t paying and doesn’t ever think about the financial cost to me. We might just go for coffee & I pay. If I support him to any appointments I pay for car parking etc. It’s been that long since he’s paid for anything, it’s really starting to bother me. More so because he has money to do what he wants & also, because I think he feels no way about me paying for things despite the fact I have 2 children, a mortgage & a home to run whilst he lives at home with his parents paying less than £100 a week all in. The fact he earns less is not my issue, it’s the expectation that I pay for things with him giving no regard to the potential impact of this upon me or my children. Im not sure if I’m over reacting or if he’s absolutely taking me for a ride.

Oh for god sake, is he 18 years old? Stop facilitating his irresponsible lifestyle, you’re not his sugar mummy. Stop paying for this user and use that money for yourself and your children.

bjrce · 21/02/2023 09:24

Wow he has a great life - why wouldn't he hang onto you!

You give him everything thing he needs, pay for everything! - what are you looking for from us?

To tell you- drop him- tell him to start paying - why should he do that? - you've accommodated him to date - I don't actually feel any sympathy for you - you have two DC you need to support- If you want to be treated like a fool go right on ahead! Its you money - he's not going to change - why should he!

Best of luck with that!

Twillow · 21/02/2023 09:29

Feels like you have never had a conversation about money with him and now it's been so long it's awkward. He obviously has a cavalier attitude to money though and someone who has never offered to pay in a relationship, male or female, would be a red flag for me.

heartbroken40 · 21/02/2023 09:42

OP, get rid asap. Gosh that's the most unappealing and offputting trait EVER. He doesn't value you, when you're precious men make an effort also financial (say they will treat you to a nice although not super expensive dinner if they have no money etc)

PLEASE dump him today and don't look back

SherlockStones · 21/02/2023 09:42

What are you getting from this relationship?

He is taking you for a mug, will you continue to do as he pleases or will you do something about it ?

Cherrysoup · 21/02/2023 09:50

Shocking. I mean, very obviously, just stop paying. Next time you're out, tell him it's his turn to pay and see what his reaction is.

SleepySlumber · 21/02/2023 09:58

My bf is like this too and I’ve literally had to step back if we are out and get him to pay his way. Every meal we go out we split, every day trip I tell him what he owes me. It’s exhausting having to constantly chase the other for money or prompt them to pay but it’s either this or I leave him, and I’m trying to make it work.

You do need to have this talk as you can’t afford to fund his lifestyle when you have kids.

It’s upsetting being treated this way, I know I’d love it if every now and then my bf would pay for dinner or my coffee when out. But I’ve made peace with the fact he won’t and is tight, but what I now refuse to do is let my children suffer by spending the money that should be used on them on him!

Id tell him financially you’re struggling now with the cost of living and he needs to pay his way! This needs to be nipped in the bud asap!

Zanatdy · 21/02/2023 10:11

He’s massively taking the P and won’t change if you keep enabling this

shropshire11 · 21/02/2023 11:06

Every pound you are giving this man is a pound less for your own children. It's one thing to acknowledge pay disparities between you, it's quite another for you to be supporting someone outside your family who won't take responsibility for themselves. You need to set immediate hard boundaries.

Original poster
KC09 · 21/02/2023 11:11

I have had endless conversations with him about money, that’s the frustrating thing. He wants a child but I’ve said no. Absolutely no way as I’m already supporting 2 alone and I refuse to do that with a 3rd. He will constantly ‘borrow’ money off his dad and feel no way about it, as thought it’s normal. When he was recently in need of a new car I again had endless conversations about the type of car he wants & his realistic budget but he did what he wanted either way. I say I always pay the bill, he has on occasion paid, bought me flowers etc but most of the time it falls on me. I’m by no means struggling but it’s the principle I suppose. Clearly, I need to work on my self worth & recognise a REAL person (man or woman) would not treat me (or anyone else) that way.

OP posts:
NotMyDayJob · 21/02/2023 11:17

I just don't understand, why on earth are you paying for everything? He might earn less, but presumably he doesn't earn zero and he's obviously not living hand to mouth.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should. I just don't understand why you think you should pay for everything because he doesn't earn quite as much as you. He lives with his parents, paying a peppercorn rent by the sounds of it, which might mean at the end of the week he has more than you because he's not paying for a mortgage or paying for kids etc.

I just don't understand why you are putting up with this. And asking for a child? This is such a strange relationship. Just say no, get rid of him, and spend the money on a nice holiday for your children. If you've anything less, think about your pension.

Ofcourseshecan · 21/02/2023 11:38

As PPs are saying, he’s not your partner, he’s a leech. And it’s not only about money, it’s a whole ‘user’ attitude towards other people, including you. You deserve better.

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 21/02/2023 11:43

How did you you even began to / stay attracted to this man 😱?

workshy46 · 21/02/2023 11:45

Oh god - are you that desperate for a man that you will literally pay one to be with you. read this back, you pay for absolutely EVERYTHING. Has he no shame, have you ? Dump this leech and work on your self esteem before you even think of dating or you are bound to end up with another one just like him. He saw you coming that's for sure

He might make some small gesture to keep you quiet if you push it but I guarantee he will be off like a scaled cat if you turn off the money tap - off to find another mug.
Honestly these threads depress me so so much. What happened in your life that you think this is the best you deserve. I feel so sorry for you. Please get rid, your life and your children's life will be infinitely better once you do

Channellingsophistication · 21/02/2023 11:48

I’m not sure what you get out of this relationship. He’s getting loads just because he earns less than you doesn’t mean he shouldn’t pay for anything at all. My DP earns 5 times my salary but I still pay for things.

He is living at home with his parents probably not paying anything in rent or if he is not much, his mum probably does his washing and cooking for him. Then he comes to you and you take him out for dinner etc.

When he wants to buy something he can’t afford, he asks you or his dad.

What a great life he has but YOU deserve better!

Aquamarine1029 · 21/02/2023 11:48

It's hard to figure out what the fuck you are even doing. He's a selfish loser, and you are allowing him to take total advantage of you, over and over and over. Your bar is so low it's on the floor. Why is that?

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 21/02/2023 11:51

OP As you say clearly, you need to work on your self worth and also that of your children who must be losing out in favour of this cocklodging miser

arethereanyleftatall · 21/02/2023 11:55

Oh for goodness sake op. Dump him.

I have no idea why you didn't ages ago. None.

DominoBlue · 21/02/2023 12:13

Book a nice, expensive restaurant, offer to drive so he can drink. Eat and drink. Tell him he's dumped and walk out, leaving him with the bill and needing a taxi to his parents as obviously you are not going to put up with his miserly ways any longer. He is a parasite.

Bananalanacake · 21/02/2023 12:19

Ask him if he wants to move in, if his eyes light up and he looks interested then go on to say how much he will have to pay towards bills and food each month, (make sure it's more than what he gives mummy) then watch him back track.

Of course you have no intention of him moving in, it's just a little test.

Successgirl2022 · 21/02/2023 12:25

Grandmasword · 20/02/2023 22:49

He is clearly using you. A desent man would never behave like this. He wont change.

I agree.

You should have a joint account and put there 50/50%.

The rest of your money is ONLY YOURS.

Successgirl2022 · 21/02/2023 12:25

I wouldn't tolerate such an immature man with money.

billy1966 · 21/02/2023 14:49

Your poor poor children.

Where is your self respect?

What a loser you have brought into their life.

You are a complete mug and doesn't he know it.

Only real scum uses a single parent to live off.

You must be absolutely desperate to have such a low bar for men.

Your poor children.

Make better choices.

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