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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband is having sex with someone

32 replies

SESexton · 20/02/2023 20:25

My husband is having sex with someone. He wont fully admit it but I know he does for lots of reasons. One being he keeps his Viagra in his coat pocket and I can tell when he had had one. He is lying about where he goes. I have confronted him and he says he is protecting me. I think it has been going on since September at least, and before that I don’t know. I have found sex toys in his bag as well as condoms. Doesn’t seem to work as he goes there during the morning whilst I am at work. And has stayed the night on many occasions so doesn’t have kids. He is 55, married 25 years and has 3 teenage children.
How has he found this girl who lives 6 miles away? I know the road but not the number. I feel trapped due to financial concerns. But what the hell do I do!?

OP posts:
JustJamie5 · 20/02/2023 20:44

Um, leave? Divorce him? Do nothing with him, and you just start dating/going out with friends/buildings a life without him? Maybe see a lawyer? Possibly clean the toilet using his toothbrush?

Humanswarm · 20/02/2023 20:49

What do you do? You value yourself above finances. You value your children above them too. You grow a back bone and you tell him what you know and what you're taking him for. From someone who has been there, and reads these type of posts daily here, please just do the above. Everything practical can and will be sorted. But save your emotional well being.

Pinkbonbon · 20/02/2023 21:02

Are your teenage kids not asking him where the fuck he's going overnight?

Catoo · 20/02/2023 21:21

What did he mean by he’s protecting you?
Is this definitely another female?
I’d be so sick to the stomach finding those sex toys I would have thrown the bag out and him with it.
Sorry OP this is hideous.
I hope you find strength to end it and move on with your DC. X

nc1013 · 20/02/2023 21:29

Doesn’t seem to work as he goes there during the morning whilst I am at work. And has stayed the night on many occasions so doesn’t have kids.

What a horrible situation OP Flowers

However in case it's putting you off from working out who it is:

She/he may work and have some weekdays off or work from home.

She/he may also have kids who spend a number of evenings with their other parent

Riri24 · 20/02/2023 21:42

I'm so sorry OP. I would contact a solicitor and get things moving. It sounds like it is out in the open if you have confronted him with his sex toys etc and if he is out over night? This may be a difficult path ahead of you, but if you stay your self esteem will be eroded and this is non way to live. You will be so much happier without him, it will just take time x

Calliell · 20/02/2023 22:51

Dirty beast. Seek legal advice pronto.

Moser85 · 21/02/2023 05:39

She might have kids, he might have told her he was single and the kids could just think her boyfriend is staying over. And if he has stayed there many times then she could definitely think he was single.

And she could work, your husband works (I assume, if you feel trapped due to finances) and he manages to go there in the mornings.

This is no way to live. He knows you know and he's carrying on in plain sight.
Have you been suspicious since September?

Kate0902900908 · 13/04/2023 10:33

Protecting you?
could he be gay? And this not be a female but a male?

idrinkandiknowthings · 13/04/2023 13:20

Wow, it's one thing to have an affair but then to actually rub it in your face?? WTF! And how, precisely, is he protecting you? What a giant twat.

TempNCforthis · 13/04/2023 13:25

Where does he say he's been when he comes back from his nights away?

goodf · 13/04/2023 14:02

Are you sure he's with a female? He could be seeing other men...

Either way he's a scrote, what awful disrespectful behaviour. Please look after yourself by getting STI tested and get rid of him

Newusernameaug · 13/04/2023 20:53

Could he be using escorts?

Either way, decide what YOU want and then make plans and do it. You deserve better than this.

OhcantthInkofaname · 13/04/2023 20:57
  1. Do not have sex with him. 2. Get yourself a health check. 3. Decide you are worth something and throw him out.
Singapore4 · 13/04/2023 20:59

goodf · 13/04/2023 14:02

Are you sure he's with a female? He could be seeing other men...

Either way he's a scrote, what awful disrespectful behaviour. Please look after yourself by getting STI tested and get rid of him

This is exactly what I thought.

CalistoNoSolo · 13/04/2023 21:03

From your post you don't seem to have any autonomy within your relationship. Is there an imbalance of power? Do you work?

Nanny0gg · 13/04/2023 21:34

Is it me?

Where have all these weird threads come from?

slowquickstep · 13/04/2023 22:27

You know what you need to do. See a solicitor. Demand your husband either tells you what is going on or leaves, he can't be allowed to abuse you like this.

CoastalShelf · 13/04/2023 22:32

Kate0902900908 · 13/04/2023 10:33

Protecting you?
could he be gay? And this not be a female but a male?

Why does it make a difference if it’s a man or a woman?
The abuse of trust is the same.

semideponent · 13/04/2023 22:58

I have confronted him and he says he is protecting me

This is total bullshit and the kind of mind-paralysing bleat-crap that keeps you feeling grateful, dependent and trapped rather than angry, taking action and working out your own boundaries.

It doubles down on the abuse of trust.

It says: I can deal with reality but you can't. But in saying this - as the cheating bastard - he shows that the opposite is true. He can't deal with the reality of what he's doing. That's his problem not yours.

Don't tolerate others lying to you about yourself and your capacity to cope with reality.

Daffodil63 · 13/04/2023 23:16

I would hire a private investigator
Get him followed, pictures, etc as much investigating as you can afford-you would be shocked at what they can do. I'm assuming you don't have the app which shows his/your location? Hide a tracker in his car then go and find him. He will never tell you the truth so you may as well find out yourself

Sunnygirl07 · 13/04/2023 23:18

Daffodil63 · 13/04/2023 23:16

I would hire a private investigator
Get him followed, pictures, etc as much investigating as you can afford-you would be shocked at what they can do. I'm assuming you don't have the app which shows his/your location? Hide a tracker in his car then go and find him. He will never tell you the truth so you may as well find out yourself

I agree.

RGold · 23/04/2023 22:18

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as spam.

RelentlessMother · 30/04/2023 08:38

He found someone knew op. Draw a plan and don’t let him in on it.
if the house is in his name , apply for “home rights” with land revenue straight away. (You’ll get a letter, hide it)
if you depend on him financially for EVERYTHING, make sure you either start saving up or you’re able to liquidate assets without his involvement. Get ready to get dirty tho. This is a man who’s putting himself and his sexual needs above his own family, he’ll come for the house, the kids(even if he doesn’t give a shit about them now) and everything in between. Lawyer up.

I just want to also say that, it’s not a choice to stay, he’s already leaving you, it’s only a matter of time until he discards you.

RelentlessMother · 30/04/2023 08:42

@Sunnygirl07 huge waste of time and money.

Divorce laws have gave change in the past decade. The judge no longer wants to know if there was infidelity or whose fault it was that the marriage broke up. Even on cases of domestic violence the courts don’t give a shit. I’d say use your energy getting away not closer to him. The guy has condoms and dildos in his bag, unless he is having sex with an underage no one cares nowadays.

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