He's using my past mental health against me

Iamworthit · 2023-02-20T17:50:47+00:00

Hi, please looking for advice. I've recently split from my partner. 4 years ago I was in a mental health facility for pnd. I was sectioned but they let me out early because I was doing well. I have engaged with the perinatal mental health team, had therapy, been discharged. I still have a cpn. My original cpn left 18 months ago. I have never met my new cpn as I've not needed any help. I have come off my medication and I'm feeling really well, clear headed and have wanted to leave for a long time. I finally feel able to leave and told him so last week. I'm waiting to find a house to move into so we're still living together atm. My ex is saying that I'm mental, that he's arranging a welfare check, that I cant have the kids on my own, that he isn't going to work to keep an eye on me. That I won't have the kids on my own. I've literally been doing so good. He's phoned the cpn receptionist and asked that he do a welfare check on me. I phoned my cpn and he said he should have discharged me ages ago! So I've arranged to go in and he will speak to me on my own and do the relevant paperwork. My ex is telling me he will also speak to my cpn??? Is he trying to control me?

ShinyHappyTits · 20/02/2023 19:29

Potentially, yes. But he may also have legitimate concerns about his children’s welfare. However the fact that your cpn feels you are fine to be discharged says that they have no further concerns. I would talk to your GP and get this on the record. Do you have a social worker? Talk to them too if so.

I would also give Solace women’s aid a ring in the morning. They will be able to give you good solid advice here. If you can afford a solicitor, talk to one. Solace will help there, too. Don’t panic. It sounds like he’s behaving like every other small, vindictive man and using the most sure fire way to hurt you he knows how. Well done for coming through an incredibly difficult time, you must be a strong woman 💐

Stompythedinosaur · 20/02/2023 19:33

Yes, he's trying to control you.

He doesn't get to arbitrarily decide you can only have supervised access to your own dc unless there is a court order to this effect.

That said, I assume you have nothing to hide, and seeing your cpn is a good thing, as they will be able to confirm all is well.

Might be worth seeing a solicitor for advice.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/02/2023 19:46

Start thinking about the things he may have done to abuse and control you.

And then tell the CPN, as it is very possible that he's committed if not physical abuse, coercive control in that time - they are often the ones who start with the 'she's mental, unsafe with the children' stuff.

He may well have, in his wish to further abuse you for daring to want to leave, gifted you the perfect opportunity to put a stop to his abuse and control forever.

Goodread1 · 20/02/2023 19:47

Hi Op
Well done for coming so far on rd to recovery from where you were emotionally,

I would just add , ensure you have enough /plenty of support to gather them on board going oviously on wards in various ways ,

Such as certain family members/ good friends you can count on,

I think he is just another emotionally abusive manipulative waster,
who is using the mental health system as a way to seek effective way to get back at you,

He may have genuine concerns about yourself cause of your past mental health, in regard of family life,

But you have shown your mental health well being team,
How you have come on well good leaps and bounds,
Don't let him destabilise emotionally which he is hoping to do have that effect,
It wil not work,
And courts systems can see through this,
They have seen how revengeful/messed up people can be , countless times, it's nothing new to them,
Make sure you get support from womens Aid/ a solicitor
Also look into other charities can help you out there
Look up Goggle about this

Theunamedcat · 20/02/2023 19:50

Has he been allowing you the children unsupervised up till now? Has he been at work leaving you alone recently?

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/02/2023 19:52

Theunamedcat · 20/02/2023 19:50

Has he been allowing you the children unsupervised up till now? Has he been at work leaving you alone recently?

This. I assume this is just a way to make you stay. If he's happy for you to look after DC without him there when you're living together.

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 20/02/2023 20:24

Do you think he has a genuine concern about your parenting or welfare?

You can withdraw consent for your ex partner to have any information shared with him. And anyone else on ex's side of family or whoever you please.

If you are recovered and CPN is planning to discharge you, unless you've been acting strangely around DVs or others, your ex can say what a/he wants. But once you err draw consent, he will have no part in your WRAP wellness recovery plan or Mh care going forwards.

(Ps When you are v unwell needing section under s2 mental health act the nearest relative legal person over rides that, (but it won't be your ex partner..)

WhereIsMumHiding3 · 20/02/2023 20:25

You can withdraw consent for your ex partner to have any information shared with him. And anyone else on ex's side of family or whoever you please
To the community Mh team (CPN) and your gp surgery etc

Original poster

Iamworthit · 20/02/2023 20:28

Theunamedcat · 20/02/2023 19:50

Has he been allowing you the children unsupervised up till now? Has he been at work leaving you alone recently?

Yes he has. I've been having them on my own , take them out on my own, whilst he works. He also 3 and half years ago built a cabin at the end of the garden, insulated it and spends 99.99 percent of nights sleeping in there this whole time, waltzing in from between 9-11 every morning. Whilst i have done every night waking, illness, early start with the kids who are now 1,4 and 6

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Theunamedcat · 20/02/2023 20:35

Then it's quite obviously bullshit

Naunet · 20/02/2023 20:37

Iamworthit · 20/02/2023 20:28

Yes he has. I've been having them on my own , take them out on my own, whilst he works. He also 3 and half years ago built a cabin at the end of the garden, insulated it and spends 99.99 percent of nights sleeping in there this whole time, waltzing in from between 9-11 every morning. Whilst i have done every night waking, illness, early start with the kids who are now 1,4 and 6

Show quote history

100% it’s about control then. Silly prick, the times when women were declared “crazy” on their husbands say so, have long since passed. He wants to scare you into staying, punish you for leaving because you make his life easier. I’d bet your PND wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t for him.

Original poster

Iamworthit · 20/02/2023 21:26

Naunet · 20/02/2023 20:37

100% it’s about control then. Silly prick, the times when women were declared “crazy” on their husbands say so, have long since passed. He wants to scare you into staying, punish you for leaving because you make his life easier. I’d bet your PND wouldn’t have been so bad if it wasn’t for him.

Show quote history

Thankyou. Yes I remember at the mother and baby unit the therapists did couples sessions and they would literally roll their eyes when he was talking.

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Newstartonwards · 20/02/2023 21:32

Stompythedinosaur · 20/02/2023 19:33

Yes, he's trying to control you.

He doesn't get to arbitrarily decide you can only have supervised access to your own dc unless there is a court order to this effect.

That said, I assume you have nothing to hide, and seeing your cpn is a good thing, as they will be able to confirm all is well.

Might be worth seeing a solicitor for advice.

This. Mention any concerns about his behaviour eg is there other controlling behaviour, sexual, mental, emotional or financial that he has shown or alluded to in the past? Make sure it is all recorded.

My ex filed for divorce on the ground of my poor mental health - he retreated very very quickly when there was a 7 page letter from the GP detailed his abusive relationship and observed behaviour of him towards me when we were both present etc plus police reports where he had called the police on me for welfare but the police had found me tired with a newborn but perfectly rational even after husband was shouting at me - he however was recorded as being verbally and mentally abusive. My PND was made worse by his behaviour my engagement and antidepressants meant I got full custody.

but please do the freedom programme if you haven’t already, get counselling for boundaries and the divorce process as he doesn’t sound like he is going to make it easy.

RobertaFirmino · 20/02/2023 21:46

What a horrible, horrible git. I'd like to meet this fucker, I'd show him what 'mental' looks like, believe me!

Now listen - this man is trying to make you stay. He is trying to make you do what he wants and the only way he knows how is by using your mental health against you. Please follow PPs advice and call Women's Aid as soon as you are able to do so. They are marvellous and they will help you. Also go to the Turn2us website and find out how much you will be able to claim. Also, tell your new CPN everything. This must go on record and you may well find that he is helpful.

We can help you too. Keep posting, even if (especially if!) you feel as though you are wobbling. AIBU is a real nest of vipers at times but when it comes to the important stuff, like helping women leave abusive men, it is fantastic. I wish you nerves of steel.

Original poster

Iamworthit · 21/02/2023 01:28

ShinyHappyTits · 20/02/2023 19:29

Potentially, yes. But he may also have legitimate concerns about his children’s welfare. However the fact that your cpn feels you are fine to be discharged says that they have no further concerns. I would talk to your GP and get this on the record. Do you have a social worker? Talk to them too if so.

I would also give Solace women’s aid a ring in the morning. They will be able to give you good solid advice here. If you can afford a solicitor, talk to one. Solace will help there, too. Don’t panic. It sounds like he’s behaving like every other small, vindictive man and using the most sure fire way to hurt you he knows how. Well done for coming through an incredibly difficult time, you must be a strong woman 💐

Thsnkyou! I feel strong. Its just he hates it. Keeps asking if I'm a feminist now...
I put anything on music wise that is all string women nd he recoils. We aren't allows to listen to the radio in the car unless he's having a good day and then it's long and we can all sing along.

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Original poster

Iamworthit · 21/02/2023 01:29

Apologies for spelling mistakes I'm onxx and old Samsung x

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mathanxiety · 21/02/2023 02:33

This is 100% abuse.

It's coercive control.

You need to go to the police and get an occupation order for the family home and garden and a non molestation order.

You need to get a solicitor ASAP.

You need to call Women's Aid - do this as a matter of urgency.
0808 2000 247.
Leave a message.
They will call you back.

You also been to contact Rights of Women
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

mathanxiety · 21/02/2023 02:35

Report your thread to MNHQ and ask for it to be moved to the Relationships board.

Just click 'Report' and type in the dialogue box.

Letstaketotheskies · 21/02/2023 06:36

So actually you’ve since had a third child and did not experience a recurrence of PND? Or not to the extent that you requites sectioning again?
Well managed mental health difficulties are no more of a concern in a parent than well managed physical health difficulties.
No one would claim a mother has has some serious allergies but always carries an epi-pen, antihistamines and has trained her 6 year old to call 999 would be an unfit mother. No one would claim asthma or diabetes rule you out as resident parent.
Think about who your support network are (family, friends, work colleagues). Go and see you Cpn and get signed off.
It sounds like he was a fairly important factor in your development of PND to be honest.

Original poster

Iamworthit · 21/02/2023 20:05

RobertaFirmino · 20/02/2023 21:46

What a horrible, horrible git. I'd like to meet this fucker, I'd show him what 'mental' looks like, believe me!

Now listen - this man is trying to make you stay. He is trying to make you do what he wants and the only way he knows how is by using your mental health against you. Please follow PPs advice and call Women's Aid as soon as you are able to do so. They are marvellous and they will help you. Also go to the Turn2us website and find out how much you will be able to claim. Also, tell your new CPN everything. This must go on record and you may well find that he is helpful.

We can help you too. Keep posting, even if (especially if!) you feel as though you are wobbling. AIBU is a real nest of vipers at times but when it comes to the important stuff, like helping women leave abusive men, it is fantastic. I wish you nerves of steel.

Thankyou! I absolutely love your reply! He's been an utter bastard.
I've stayed at my mums for a couple of days and he has had the kids. I will go back tomorrow after a house viewing, and I'll be staying then until I can find somewhere. He will be "assessing" me apparently. I really don't know what mood he's going to be in. Ive been putting him on loudspeaker so my mums heard everything he's said, unbeknown to him. He told me yesterday how people like me get very triggered whwn relationships end and that if he has to restrain me, he will.
Late Last night he text me telling me how wonderful the children are, that it's been the best 7 years of his life, an amazing journey and that he hopes we will be friends....
I really really appreciate all the words of advice and encouragement 🙏

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Original poster

Iamworthit · 21/02/2023 20:10

Letstaketotheskies · 21/02/2023 06:36

So actually you’ve since had a third child and did not experience a recurrence of PND? Or not to the extent that you requites sectioning again?
Well managed mental health difficulties are no more of a concern in a parent than well managed physical health difficulties.
No one would claim a mother has has some serious allergies but always carries an epi-pen, antihistamines and has trained her 6 year old to call 999 would be an unfit mother. No one would claim asthma or diabetes rule you out as resident parent.
Think about who your support network are (family, friends, work colleagues). Go and see you Cpn and get signed off.
It sounds like he was a fairly important factor in your development of PND to be honest.

Yes I was under the perinatal team with my third child as a precaution from the pnd with my second. The pregnancy, birth and once he was born have all been great, no dramas, and I was given the go ahead to reduce my medication and I'm now off them. I was discharged from their care.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 21/02/2023 20:14

He told me yesterday how people like me get very triggered whwn relationships end and that if he has to restrain me, he will.

That's chilling. I wouldn't see him alone if I could help it.

Original poster

Iamworthit · 21/02/2023 20:26

I don't have much choice unfortunately. My mum will probably stay for the day, but he won't leave the house. And I'm not able to stay with her atm longer term. Plus I don't want to leave the kids, I'm missing them so much already. I will see what tomorrow brings, but I will not hesitate to call the police if I need too.
He grew up with domestic violence, saw his dad push his mum down the stairs, different times dragging her by the hair and lots of arguing, speaking down to her. And he went to boarding school, so I'm sure a lot must have happened whilst he wasn't around too.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 21/02/2023 20:31

Keep your phone on you. And spend as little time with him as possible. Has your phone got a panic mode?

Original poster

Iamworthit · 21/02/2023 20:42

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/02/2023 20:31

Keep your phone on you. And spend as little time with him as possible. Has your phone got a panic mode?

I will thankyou. I have no idea, off to Google what that is and if I have it x

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