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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In law pretends I don't exist

37 replies

Lockdownmum1010 · 20/02/2023 14:43

I'll try to keep this brief - essentially my mother in law likes to pretend I don't exist. She has an issue with me being a different ethnicity which I think is largely the reason, we've never had an actual argument (hard to argue with someone who doesn't talk to you!) We don't see much of her as she lives far away, but when we do she doesn't say a single word to me, just interacts with my husband and small children. My husband has spoken to her about it multiple times but she never improves. I've reached the point where I don't really want to see her at all, but also don't really want someone who has issues with my race being around my mixed race children without me there to protect them.

I don't really know where to go from here. If she was saying rude things to my face it'd be easier in some ways, but the silence just pecks away at me! If I refuse to see her it makes life really hard for my husband, who understandably wants contact with his family.

Where do I go from here?!

OP posts:
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 20/02/2023 14:44

Tell him to go on his own without you or the kids, don't let your kids see their mum being treated this way

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/02/2023 16:04

Do your trust your DH to be aware of and prevent any nasty comments from MIL about his children's ethnicity?

WidthofaLine · 20/02/2023 16:54

Are they her grandchildren ?

She sounds an ignoramus.

Stop seeing her, she had her chance to be kind, that time is over now.

Her loss.

shropshire11 · 20/02/2023 17:06

Your husband has to actually step up here. His primary loyalty is now to his own family - that’s you and your children.

If his mum won’t behave in a civilised fashion then he needs to take decisive action. You shouldn’t be put in this position.

Original poster
Lockdownmum1010 · 20/02/2023 18:31

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/02/2023 16:04

Do your trust your DH to be aware of and prevent any nasty comments from MIL about his children's ethnicity?

Yes I do, I think he would challenge her on it but I think he'd have a higher tolerance of what she could get away with...

OP posts:
Justmeandthedog1 · 20/02/2023 18:41

You could invite her to yours, and your DH and children go out before she arrives. She’ll have to speak to you then. I’d be ever so gracious, serve her tea and cake and enjoy watching her squirm, horrible racist cow.

Original poster
Lockdownmum1010 · 20/02/2023 19:25

WidthofaLine · 20/02/2023 16:54

Are they her grandchildren ?

She sounds an ignoramus.

Stop seeing her, she had her chance to be kind, that time is over now.

Her loss.

Yes they are. She doesn't see them much due to distance (and never comes to us, we always have to go there) but dotes on them when we do see her.

I would happily not see her again, just makes it so hard with the wider family (who I don't particularly love either but they do make some effort)

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 20/02/2023 19:38

She would not be seeing my dc in your position-ignoring their mum? How will you explain this when the dc are older? And why does your do tolerate this stupidity?

Original poster
Lockdownmum1010 · 20/02/2023 21:00

Cherrysoup · 20/02/2023 19:38

She would not be seeing my dc in your position-ignoring their mum? How will you explain this when the dc are older? And why does your do tolerate this stupidity?

Yeah that's my thinking too, I don't want my kids to think that's OK.

OP posts:
sianiboo · 20/02/2023 22:31

She doesn't have to like you, but to want to see her grandchildren she has to at least be civil to you and keep her opinions of you to herself. But acting like you don't even exist? Nope, I would let your children be around her again. And your husband needs to spell it out to her bluntly exactly why they won't be: "You refuse to speak to/interact with my wife, I don't want our children to witness their mother being so disrespected, so you will only be seeing me in future. When I can be arsed, you racist old cow" (he might leave that last sentence out).

She's an idiot.

sianiboo · 20/02/2023 22:32

I WOULDN'T* let your children be around her

SandyY2K · 21/02/2023 07:22

Did you meet her before you got married? Was she always like this? This is one of my fears, that my kids marry into a family who are unwelcoming and horrible because of their ethnicity.

Your DH should be telling his mum that if she ignores you, you won't be going there anymore. It's unacceptable to ignore you. So rude.

Original poster
Lockdownmum1010 · 21/02/2023 08:23

SandyY2K · 21/02/2023 07:22

Did you meet her before you got married? Was she always like this? This is one of my fears, that my kids marry into a family who are unwelcoming and horrible because of their ethnicity.

Your DH should be telling his mum that if she ignores you, you won't be going there anymore. It's unacceptable to ignore you. So rude.

Yes, she's always been like it but it's definitely got worse since the kids arrived (used to get a couple of sentences out of her but now it's generally nothing at all).

Your comments are all reassuring me that I'm not being OTT by refusing to see her, its just the wider impact that's hard to manage (ie if I don't want to see her I'll effectively be cut out by his family as they will definitely side with her)

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/02/2023 08:33

If she is too toxic/difficult for YOU to deal with its the same deal for your children as well. Although your H has spoken to his mother about her behaviour towards you, this continues. You all going to see her regardless just further rewards her bad behaviour. She does this too because she can.

And if her wider family members cut you off they are truly not worth knowing either if they are not at all interested in hearing your side of things.

SandyY2K · 21/02/2023 08:35

its just the wider impact that's hard to manage (ie if I don't want to see her I'll effectively be cut out by his family as they will definitely side with her)

You don't need to make a big announcement that you don't want to see her...just do it and don't say anything.

How often do you go to just her house?

Your could go to extended family gatherings, but just not her place.

Fenella123 · 21/02/2023 08:44

Does your DH want your kids to behave like this? Has he explicitly told his DM what a poor example she's setting to the GC?

Original poster
Lockdownmum1010 · 21/02/2023 11:16

I'm not sure exactly what he's said or not said to be honest, but it's definitely not worked to date. I don't want to paint him as a bad person as I know it's not an easy situation for him either, but we can't go on like this.

OP posts:
OhNoNotThatAgain · 21/02/2023 11:52

You don't want your children growing up and seeing her treating you with such contempt. From now on, I'd suggest that either your DH steps up and insists her behaviour towards you has to stop, or if he doesn't do that then you and the children will not be going to see her any more, and he will have to go on his own.

PolicyOfTruth · 21/02/2023 11:57

Personally, I'd be ignoring her in return and I'd expect my DH's support on that. She either accepts all of your family or she does without all your family.

How she is acting is bloody racist and rude and she should suffer for her prejudice.

fatbottomgirl67 · 21/02/2023 12:01

Your husband really needs to step up and tell her that it's not acceptable to ignore you, and if she continues to act this way, there will be no more visits from any of you. It is terrible that your children are witnessing her behaviour towards their mother. The one person who should be supporting you is your husband, and he's clearly letting it slide rather than addressing it. He needs to talk to his mum however uncomfortable he finds it

fatbottomgirl67 · 21/02/2023 12:11

Just to add, your children should not be allowed you to see your Mil treat you this way. It's a horrible example for them to be witnessing. It's not okay to completely ignore their mother and heap affection on them. You are a family and should stick together, not be divided by your mil.

Thesharkradar · 21/02/2023 12:15

if I don't want to see her I'll effectively be cut out by his family as they will definitely side with her
What's not to like?

Heartsandbirds · 21/02/2023 12:54

If it’s because she really is a racist cow then your DH needs to step up and stamp on it. What is he teaching your children otherwise? I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, she sounds foul. You deserve better all round - from her and if not from her, then from DH to ensure you are - and are seen to be by your children - protected from appalling behaviour 💐

Brefugee · 21/02/2023 12:57

Gosh what a difficult situation. I'm vascilating between she doesn't get to see you or your children at all, or you go with them and do all the talking, ask questions that require an answer. Non bloody stop. And make that the last visit by either you or your children.

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 21/02/2023 13:22

I would refuse to go, let your DH go on his own, he most likely won't make the trip all that frequently.