In law pretends I don't exist

[Lockdownmum1010]

I'll try to keep this brief - essentially my mother in law likes to pretend I don't exist. She has an issue with me being a different ethnicity which I think is largely the reason, we've never had an actual argument (hard to argue with someone who doesn't talk to you!) We don't see much of her as she lives far away, but when we do she doesn't say a single word to me, just interacts with my husband and small children. My husband has spoken to her about it multiple times but she never improves. I've reached the point where I don't really want to see her at all, but also don't really want someone who has issues with my race being around my mixed race children without me there to protect them.

I don't really know where to go from here. If she was saying rude things to my face it'd be easier in some ways, but the silence just pecks away at me! If I refuse to see her it makes life really hard for my husband, who understandably wants contact with his family.

Where do I go from here?!

Thank you all, it's such a hard situation but your comments are giving me lots of food for thought

I'm so sorry. Your DH is in a position which is not easy, that he does need to deal with. He hasn't got the luxury of sticking his head in the sand and hoping this will go away.

I would not be seeing her again, yes, for your own sake but more importantly because there's no way I would allow my children to see me being treated like this by their fathers mother. Nope.

If he wants to go, let him. If he wants to take the children, fine.

Boundaries are good for relationships and it is absolutely healthy for you to state that you're not willing to keep doing this and you expect his backing as your partner and the father of your children. He needs to be prepared to deal with any fall out.

He can visit on his own.

I certainly wouldn't be going and my children definitely wouldn't be.

I wouldn't be impressed with your partner either.

But either way she wouldn't ever clap eyes on me or my children again.

You are in a difficult position and your mil is being ridiculous and selfish in maintaining this farce. not just to you but your DH and DC.
As your children get older they will observe that you are a non person to your Mil and by extension DH’s family. This is unhealthy for them and your family dynamic. How will they feel about women? How love and loyalty work in a family? Your race? The part of THEM that is your race ?
I’m not sure that your DH has thought this aspect through - his lack of resolve will damage his children even if he is only prepared to consider the last 3 factors. By keeping his head in the sand he is failing in his duty as a parent, and this needs spelling out.
In your position I hope I would have the resolve to warn them your that the day one of the children notices this unhealthy situation is the day that time is up for racist grandma’s contact with the DC. That gives him some time to see that you at least have thought it through, and are being more than reasonable in allowing a small period of adjustment. DH will need to use this time to have a last ditch attempt at getting MIL to tow the line.
Prepare now so he can see you mean business - if you have given up a career, either study to return or resume, otherwise make new plans for independence. Start on your own savings and ensure that you have your own support network. The power dynamic in a relationship is sadly key to how seriously putting your foot down will be perceived.

WOW, if this was no husband and he didnt go total no contact with her, I would DIVORCE. What sort of husband is he, gross

Ha fair point 😂

when an unpleasant person ostracizes you they like to think they are punishing you but actually it's a gift ....make the most of it😎

I've been in a similar position. I was prepared to put up with a lot pre-kids, but once my daughter was born she was also treated badly. I stopped visiting for a few years, though my dp kept up contact. Didn't let my kids in her company until I could trust her not to treat them and me as a dirty little secret. Even then, the visits were rare and the dc never really had her as a granny figure. Which was sad, but her choice.

If someone treated my mum like this I'd want nothing to do with them, Nan or not.

I bet if your DH gave her an ultimatum she'd not want to miss out on seeing him or the kids in order to be rude to you.

It is really wrong to expose your children to this. I think you should refuse to go, or allow the children to. I appreciate it us a nightmare for your husband, but he must realise this is deeply unhealthy for your children.

My main thought was 'so what if it makes it hard for him?' If he isn't prepared to stand up for you, your marriage and your children then I'm afraid discomfort will be the least of his problems.

He seems to want an easy life in which he doesn't have to acknowledge or challenge his mother's racism. This isn't fair on your or the children.

He's married you, he's already chosen you. Now he really needs to show that he chooses you EVERY time, by defending you against anyone that seeks to hurt or demean you, no matter who they are.

I'm so sorry OP. I hope he does better for you.