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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't want son to see his dad. How do I mentally prepare?

50 replies

DuckDuckDiva · 20/02/2023 10:55

Been in court for years. Son's dad is awful, has not been allowed contact for 4 years. All kinds of domestic abuse and physical abuse against our son. He completed a domestic abuse perpetrator programme 'with flying colours' even though I identified many, many lies and fabrications throughout the final report. He's basically lied and charmed his way through it. Court unlikely to care. Its been the best few years of my life despite court. My son and I are happy and very close, life is abuse free and fun. I feel that's all about to change as soon as court order contact, which inevitably they will do. I'm catastrophising about him having half the holidays, causing him harm, abusing me again, trying to turn him against me which he actually admitted to me he would do when I split up with him, son wanting to live with him etc. How do I keep my son safe? How do I keep myself safe? How do I not fall apart? I'm terrified. It will likely start as supervised contact but that won't last forever. Please advise if you can as im in a huge panic.

OP posts:
TellMeAboutItAnotherTime · 20/02/2023 10:58

How old is your child?

What does your child say he wants?

Original poster
DuckDuckDiva · 20/02/2023 10:59

TellMeAboutItAnotherTime · 20/02/2023 10:58

How old is your child?

What does your child say he wants?

He's 4. I stopped contact soon after he was born.

OP posts:
Original poster
DuckDuckDiva · 20/02/2023 11:00

TellMeAboutItAnotherTime · 20/02/2023 10:58

How old is your child?

What does your child say he wants?

Do court wouldn't take his opinion into account as he's too young. He doesn't know or remember his dad. He just has photographs and that's it.

OP posts:
TellMeAboutItAnotherTime · 20/02/2023 11:03

Well it's your child's right to a relationship with both parents

Your thoughts won't be taken into consideration

Newusernameaug · 20/02/2023 11:06

we Obviously don’t know the full history and I’m sorry for any abuse but if you stopped contact after your ds was born then I presume any abuse to ds was to you whilst you were pregnant?

um not sure the courts would see that as being abusive to a child and would ban contact for that?

Original poster
DuckDuckDiva · 20/02/2023 11:08

It literally says in my OP that he assaulted our son who was a newborn. I can go into more details about the rapes and abuse towards me but I don't really want to. Its not just 'my thoughts' I'm trying to keep my son safe.

OP posts:
YesYou · 20/02/2023 11:09

"All kinds of domestic abuse and physical abuse against our son."

All kinds of abuse against a newborn and he wasn't prosecuted?

Original poster
DuckDuckDiva · 20/02/2023 11:11

YesYou · 20/02/2023 11:09

"All kinds of domestic abuse and physical abuse against our son."

All kinds of abuse against a newborn and he wasn't prosecuted?

No, he wasn't. I fled the relationship, police said there wasn't enough evidence, but he was found to have done it in a fact finding hearing in court so they are working on the basis that it happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
DuckDuckDiva · 20/02/2023 11:12

YesYou · 20/02/2023 11:09

"All kinds of domestic abuse and physical abuse against our son."

All kinds of abuse against a newborn and he wasn't prosecuted?

All kinds of domestic abuse was against me, you can't commit domestic abuse against a child, that is just child abuse. He physically assaulted our son when he was a newborn.

OP posts:
TellMeAboutItAnotherTime · 20/02/2023 11:13

So he can start with letterbox contact..... if he sticks with that then go on to supervised contact in a contact centre.....see how that goes?

Your son deserves to know his father (safely)

It will be assessed by professionals

Viviennemary · 20/02/2023 11:15

Presumably you reported the assault on a newborn to the police. There will be a record of that. In which case it's not likely he will be given any rights. I'm surprised he wasnt given a prison sentence for the assault.

Quitelikeit · 20/02/2023 11:16

He sounds like a monster.

Would court really allow unsupervised contact?

Original poster
DuckDuckDiva · 20/02/2023 11:17

Look I came here for advice about how I can mentally prepare myself for this. I know they are going to order contact, I have accepted that. I just need some skills for coping. I know the process, I know that it will start as supervised, I know exactly how it is going to go. I just need help with coping knowing that I'm sending my son to see someone who raped, beat and broke his mother. If it makes any difference he was also conceived through rape and I am terrified about him ever knowing this. I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
TellMeAboutItAnotherTime · 20/02/2023 11:17

No. He's 4 and unknown to the kid...they will start off small and build up

BUT a lot of parents give up and don't keep up the contact. So when it goes back to court it doesn't look good

Original poster
DuckDuckDiva · 20/02/2023 11:19

Viviennemary · 20/02/2023 11:15

Presumably you reported the assault on a newborn to the police. There will be a record of that. In which case it's not likely he will be given any rights. I'm surprised he wasnt given a prison sentence for the assault.

This is the family courts we are taking about though. They give contact to worse. I wouldn't have believed it until I experienced it myself. They just send them on a domestic abuse perpetrator programme and if the report is good they see them as a changed man. This is quite literally what has happened.

OP posts:
Original poster
DuckDuckDiva · 20/02/2023 11:19

Quitelikeit · 20/02/2023 11:16

He sounds like a monster.

Would court really allow unsupervised contact?

Eventually but not until he has been observed under supervised contact. It's so stupid because of course he is going to be on best behaviour when supervised. The system is broken.

OP posts:
YesYou · 20/02/2023 11:20

Can you point out the lies he's told in this final report? Raise your concerns further? Go to the police about the abuse? Move house so far away that he can't be arsed to keep up contact?

JockSmashnova · 20/02/2023 11:21

@DuckDuckDiva judging by some of these responses, it looks like someone left the gate open at the nobhead farm this morning.

Sounds like you have been to hell and back with that monster of an ex. you might get less combative responses if you move this to the relationship boards. There’s a wealth of knowledge and experience on there.

Original poster
DuckDuckDiva · 20/02/2023 11:22

YesYou · 20/02/2023 11:20

Can you point out the lies he's told in this final report? Raise your concerns further? Go to the police about the abuse? Move house so far away that he can't be arsed to keep up contact?

I moved to the other side of the country which was the best thing I ever did so at least we have that distance. Equally, I know that now makes it more likely down the line to make an order for him to stay away for long periods of time. I reported to abuse against me to the police but they told me it would likely go nowhere. There is evidence but possibly not enough for a sentence and the stress the court process would put me through would be immense. My last statement to the court has completely picked apart the final report and his lies but I don't think after all this time that they will take me seriously.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 20/02/2023 11:24

All this stuff about lessons being learned are just rubbish if they allow this awful man contact. You should go back to the police and tell them what you have said here. Also contact your MP and Social Services.

WandaWonder · 20/02/2023 11:25

JockSmashnova · 20/02/2023 11:21

@DuckDuckDiva judging by some of these responses, it looks like someone left the gate open at the nobhead farm this morning.

Sounds like you have been to hell and back with that monster of an ex. you might get less combative responses if you move this to the relationship boards. There’s a wealth of knowledge and experience on there.

Other than get legal advice there is not much anyone can advise on accurately especially seeing the advice can only be given by the op's version of every thing, legal professionals are best at advising

Original poster
DuckDuckDiva · 20/02/2023 11:26

Viviennemary · 20/02/2023 11:24

All this stuff about lessons being learned are just rubbish if they allow this awful man contact. You should go back to the police and tell them what you have said here. Also contact your MP and Social Services.

Social services won't get involved as cafcass are also involved and I am deemed a good mother who has safeguarded aporioriately. Cafcass have been ok to be fair, but are still ordering contact despita saying in their report that they are slightly sceptical about how much change he has actually made.

OP posts:
Original poster
DuckDuckDiva · 20/02/2023 11:27

WandaWonder · 20/02/2023 11:25

Other than get legal advice there is not much anyone can advise on accurately especially seeing the advice can only be given by the op's version of every thing, legal professionals are best at advising

Show quote history

I'm asking for coping strategies not legal advice! Considering he has been sent on a domestic abuse perpetrator programme and has not been allowed contact with our son for 4 years could you not find it in your heart to believe me?

OP posts:
TellMeAboutItAnotherTime · 20/02/2023 11:29

Could you approach women's aid and ask if they could help with coping strategies etc?

Original poster
DuckDuckDiva · 20/02/2023 11:31

TellMeAboutItAnotherTime · 20/02/2023 11:29

Could you approach women's aid and ask if they could help with coping strategies etc?

Women's aid have been amazing, they helped me leave safely and find a refuge but thankfully my friend stepped in so I stayed with her and her family for a few weeks until I moved. They helped me find counselling services too which helped immensely. I will try them again.

OP posts:
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