Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Don't want son to see his dad. How do I mentally prepare?

50 replies

DuckDuckDiva · 20/02/2023 10:55

Been in court for years. Son's dad is awful, has not been allowed contact for 4 years. All kinds of domestic abuse and physical abuse against our son. He completed a domestic abuse perpetrator programme 'with flying colours' even though I identified many, many lies and fabrications throughout the final report. He's basically lied and charmed his way through it. Court unlikely to care. Its been the best few years of my life despite court. My son and I are happy and very close, life is abuse free and fun. I feel that's all about to change as soon as court order contact, which inevitably they will do. I'm catastrophising about him having half the holidays, causing him harm, abusing me again, trying to turn him against me which he actually admitted to me he would do when I split up with him, son wanting to live with him etc. How do I keep my son safe? How do I keep myself safe? How do I not fall apart? I'm terrified. It will likely start as supervised contact but that won't last forever. Please advise if you can as im in a huge panic.

OP posts:

JockSmashnova · 20/02/2023 11:33

DuckDuckDiva · 20/02/2023 11:27

I'm asking for coping strategies not legal advice! Considering he has been sent on a domestic abuse perpetrator programme and has not been allowed contact with our son for 4 years could you not find it in your heart to believe me?

Show quote history

Well said! You quite literally said in the OP that you didn’t want advice, Just coping strategies…. <sigh>

Aurorabored · 20/02/2023 11:34

The courts routinely give access to violent, abusive men. I am surprised that so many of you aren’t aware of this. In our system the right of the child to see both parents overrides the obvious risk that poses to the child’s mother and the child’s physical and emotional well-being. It may start with supervised contact but he is likely to end up with unsupervised contact.

If you report your first post to MN and ask them to move it to relationships you’ll get better advice. There are women on there who share children with abusive exes and have experience of what you’re facing.

Aurorabored · 20/02/2023 11:35

Ah, already moved!

MarieRoseMarie · 20/02/2023 11:35

Can you access counselling?

I think you have to accept that his father is going to do some damage but you will be there to try to mitigate it and protect him. So the healthier and more resilient you can make your son, the better?

Also try to make your life as peaceful as possible.

If he starts against you, great! Genuinely, I’d be thrilled. Report it this time and get him put away.

KettrickenSmiled · 20/02/2023 11:38

TellMeAboutItAnotherTime · 20/02/2023 11:03

Well it's your child's right to a relationship with both parents

Your thoughts won't be taken into consideration

Could you be any more dismissive & patronising?

Physical & emotional abuse to a baby & his mother are not thoughts.
They are facts, & the courts will take those facts into consideration.

JockSmashnova · 20/02/2023 11:42

@Aurorabored i think a few of us reported it. It was quite distressing as an outsider to see the OP get an AIBU pasting on such a sensitive post.

but now I see the cavalry are arriving — kettricken is here…..

Original poster

DuckDuckDiva · 20/02/2023 11:45

JockSmashnova · 20/02/2023 11:42

@Aurorabored i think a few of us reported it. It was quite distressing as an outsider to see the OP get an AIBU pasting on such a sensitive post.

but now I see the cavalry are arriving — kettricken is here…..

Thank you everyone who reported it. I should be able to cope with unkind messages but the truth is that I very nearly reported my post to ask for it to be deleted as I was naive to think that I would be believed. I'm shocked that someone has said they can't advise as they only have 'my version of events' and that my 'thoughts' wouldn't be considered. I really am shocked by some women sometimes, but am hopeful that it is because they have never experienced domestic abuse or the family courts.

OP posts:

Twinedpeaks · 20/02/2023 11:47

I know they are going to order contact, I have accepted that.

@DuckDuckDiva How do you know this? Or are you just so broken by it all that you've accepted the worst might happen.

I really feel for you, this is horrendous. On the facts you've given us, it seems incredibly unlikely that this would happen. When is the next court date?

Original poster

DuckDuckDiva · 20/02/2023 11:50

Twinedpeaks · 20/02/2023 11:47

I know they are going to order contact, I have accepted that.

@DuckDuckDiva How do you know this? Or are you just so broken by it all that you've accepted the worst might happen.

I really feel for you, this is horrendous. On the facts you've given us, it seems incredibly unlikely that this would happen. When is the next court date?

So initially he just lied and lied and kept blaming me for the abuse. He was actually found unsuitable for the DAPP and cafcass refused to refer him. It was only at this point that he had a huge change of heart and cafcass then said they would give him a chance to do the DAPP, and he has passed despite telling a multitude of lies throughout. There are even bits in the report where he blames me for the things he did. Cafcass are now recommending contact. I just cannot see after so long and him completing the DAPP and with Cafcass recommending contact that the judge will order no or indirect contact. The next court date is in just over a month.

OP posts:

MarieRoseMarie · 20/02/2023 11:53

Wait, why is he even still interested?

To hurt you? Did he want a son? In laws pushing for access? Any chance of remarriage for him? Has he got money/status? Just trying to think of the chances of another woman taking him off your hands…

Were you together long? Do you have something else he wants? I’m surprised 4 years in he’s still interested.

I would strategise based on that. Maybe give in-laws access if they are the ones pushing. If it’s money, consider giving that up. Can you move abroad?

TellMeAboutItAnotherTime · 20/02/2023 11:56

Yes @KettrickenSmiled of course I could!

Op. My ex started like this...but as I said previously, he could not keep up the level of effort () required to keep up the contact centre...or the court appearances

It's a lot for the poor souls to contend with and many seem to get bored and it tails off. The courts see this time and time again. It's telling

You may find that happens quite quickly. Also, if he has to travel to your jurisdiction for contact and court this may also put him off. Unless court is in his location?

TellMeAboutItAnotherTime · 20/02/2023 11:56

Op...how far away did you move?

Original poster

DuckDuckDiva · 20/02/2023 11:57

MarieRoseMarie · 20/02/2023 11:53

Wait, why is he even still interested?

Were you together long? Do you have something else he wants? I’m surprised 4 years in he’s still interested.

I would strategise based on that. Maybe give in-laws access if they are the ones pushing. If it’s money, consider giving that up. Can you move abroad?

It's a control thing. He wasn't interested in our son when he was born. He just has an image in his head of having a son who he could play football with and take to the gym. Lots of men do this. He's angry I left him. When I mentioned that our son could actually be into theatre and ballet, not football and the gym, he went nuts and said 'my son will not be gay' (I never said anything about being gay). He just has a weird ideal in his head. He's like a trophy to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

DuckDuckDiva · 20/02/2023 11:57

TellMeAboutItAnotherTime · 20/02/2023 11:56

Op...how far away did you move?

200 miles.

OP posts:

TellMeAboutItAnotherTime · 20/02/2023 11:58

So...he will need to do 400 mile round trips for court and then contact centre?

Will he? Consistently?

Showersugar · 20/02/2023 11:59

Ignore the inexperienced, unknowledgeable posters on this thread OP. You're doing great.

I worked in this field for many years (and now work in a related one), if its any consolation a lot of abusive men will drag their expartners through court for years but then contact fizzles to nothing once its actually granted as they have no legitimate interest in parenting.

If he does actually maintain contact then make sure you have an outlet for your anxiety so that you're not projecting onto your child. Seeking support from Women's Aid again sounds sensible.

I'm pleased your contact with Cafcass was reasonably positive. Here is the practice guidance that their staff should be using: www.cafcass.gov.uk/download/17747/ if your ex is abusive again in future then please restore the case back to court and maybe try to reference specific bits of this practice guidance so that you're using language the court understands.

Original poster

DuckDuckDiva · 20/02/2023 12:01

TellMeAboutItAnotherTime · 20/02/2023 11:58

So...he will need to do 400 mile round trips for court and then contact centre?

Will he? Consistently?

I have no idea as court is all virtual which is why it has been so easy for him. Contact centre I also have no idea so we will just have to see.

OP posts:

MarieRoseMarie · 20/02/2023 12:08

DuckDuckDiva · 20/02/2023 11:57

Show quote history

Okay, he sounds pretty thick so if all he wants is to take him to the football, contact may be pretty sporadic. And he may yet lose interest once contact is granted. They usually do.

Why hasn’t he got a new partner, btw? Don’t stand in the way of that. Sorry to be crass but your best bet is him finding an other victim and losing interest.

Justmeandme19 · 20/02/2023 17:55

Can I ask have you had a cafcass officer and not a cafcass guardian?. I have a no contact order for my children as their father was abusive. My solicitor told me the best thing would be for the courts to order a cafcass guardian (16.4). Which are reserved for the most concerning safeguarding cases/complicated cases. The one I had was fantastic really understand the case and took the time so do so. Her report made all the difference. I've previously had cafcass offices (bulk standard). Which did nothing to highlight the safeguarding issues.
Do you also have legal representation?
Anyhow on a personal note I think you have to dig deep and find some peace in knowing you have totally and utterly done everything you can to protect your child. This was the only thing that gave me peace at the prospect of him continuing to see the children.
Also I think to try and remove the emotional aspect and try and see it from a more logical angle. That used to help me avoid going from 0-100 in my head!!

YesYou · 20/02/2023 18:16

"Why hasn’t he got a new partner, btw? Don’t stand in the way of that. Sorry to be crass but your best bet is him finding an other victim and losing interest."

How is she standing in the way of that? And I disagree anyway. The best bet would be for him to drop dead rather than ruin another woman's life.

Pinkbonbon · 20/02/2023 18:28

If he ever gets unsupervised custody then...look run ragged when you show up to drop him off and go 'good luck, you'll need it'. Then have your kid skip up the front path effeminately, then pee all over his front door. Jusy say, 'Yeah, he does that'.

Guarantee before you've so much as switched off the engine he'll be saying 'take him back'.

If he thinks the kids going to be hard work, he won't want to be arsed.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/02/2023 07:44

DuckDuckDiva

im so sorry and I don’t think anyone can help prepare you for such a grotesque event
it’s unimaginable

I don’t and will never understand why tax payers money funds a family law system that gives him parental rights

in your situation i would practice immense self care and throw everything at my well-being

id also create a log file or other legal cases

I’d do everything to ensure it’s supervised acess

but I’d empower myself by researching the law so I have the data and am not totally reliant on legal experts

I’m sorry this happened

Original poster

DuckDuckDiva · 21/02/2023 09:16

Pinkbonbon · 20/02/2023 18:28

Guarantee before you've so much as switched off the engine he'll be saying 'take him back'.

If he thinks the kids going to be hard work, he won't want to be arsed.

Really after some serious advice here, which lots of people have given (thank you). It isn't a joke.

OP posts:

MarieRoseMarie · 21/02/2023 10:08

YesYou · 20/02/2023 18:16

"Why hasn’t he got a new partner, btw? Don’t stand in the way of that. Sorry to be crass but your best bet is him finding an other victim and losing interest."

How is she standing in the way of that? And I disagree anyway. The best bet would be for him to drop dead rather than ruin another woman's life.

I’m not saying she is, I’m saying don’t in the future. Don’t warn future girlfriends. Don’t discourage or encourage them openly but definitely don’t put any blockers in the way.

He’s not gonna drop dead. They never do. Her best bet is him losing interest which, thankfully, is extremely likely.

Whatwasthatshow · 14/02/2024 15:24

Hope you’re both doing ok @DuckDuckDiva

Flip

1 2