DP has been supporting me through a little discussed depression for a few years. Tonight he said some unforgiveable stuff and stormed out. an hour ago, I don't know what to do. Do I lock the doors?

[loaf]

Thats about it. I feel its the end of a line. I want to cry for days. Feel numb.

I have only ever been totally honest with him and naturally thats meant I've said stuff he might find difficult to hear. But he's never been wholly outward with his own feelings.

Its just a mess from top to bottom. And I feel very, very alone.

We've known each other 22 years and been together 13 with 3 children.

Obviously I don't know the full background here but it is very hard to be the main carer/supporter of someone with depression. Especially if the depressed person is 'totally honest' which can mean constant criticism, or what feels like it. You say that he said 'unforgiveable things' tonight, but also that you have been saying 'stuff he might find difficult to hear' - which does come across, a bit, as though it's fine for you to point out all his faults repeatedly, but for him to criticise you is 'unforgiveable'. You complain that he won't show his feelings, but now that he has shown some feelings, your response is to lock him out of his own home.
As I said, I don't know the full story here, but it does sound a bit as though you can only focus on your needs, not his, and he's had enough. Depression can make people extremely self-obsessed. Are you recieving treatment of any kind? Maybe counselling, either separately or together, would help you both.

Maybe after a long time of being strong for you he needed to explode a bit.

I have suffered with depression and DH is fantastic but he needs to let off steam now and again. The trick is to takl about it afterwards. Does make you feel shite though.

best of luck xXx He sounds like he's usually a gem

No, don't lock the doors and don't assume tonight is the shape of things to come - your DH sounds as though he felt like a pressure cooker who needed to let off a lot of steam.

Find a time in the near future when you are both calm and rested. Do you have a babysitter? Can you go out together and talk? He probably needs to know that you love and appreciate him before he will be able to explain or apologise for what he said.

Let him have a blow & calm down- then let him come back & tell you how HE is feeling with all of this.

YOu need each other but maybe you need some outside help too so you don't JUST lean on him?

Please don't lock the doors - its his place too

I'm really sorry you're hurting but people sometimes say terrible things - I have said some dreadful things to my husband in the heat of the moment

It will all look slightly different in the morning or in a couple of days when some of the 'heat' has gone out of the argument

don't lock the doors. You'll feel worse in the morning. You need help for your depression - are you getting any?

And your DP's outburst is probably just frustration, tiredness, despair.

madamez is right though I know it's almost impossible to see that while your depressed.

I've been you and believe me a man who will support you through long-term depression is a rare and valuable prize whatever his faults.

Agree with the other posters about your dh needing to let off some steam. And with Madamez pointing out the inconsistency in it being apparently OK for your to 'say stuff he might find difficult to hear' but not OK for him either to stay quiet or to say anything you might not want to hear. He can't win, can he?

My dh has severe depression. It is bloody hard being on the receiving end. (Obviously everything is very hard for you too, but you posted about your dh, so am trying to give you some idea how this might look from the other side.)

I couldn't get back online last night, my pc is not playing the game.....

Thank you very much every one of you for your words, that brought me real perspective at a time when I had/have none. I think I am just about at the bottom of the pit now. I'd like to think I'd accept some help now but I am still in denial. Tis the nature of the beast.

DP came home in the night after driving for a long time. We chatted this morning. We have a very strong relationship that is buckling under my pressure. It is my fault.

loaf i have been where you are to a certain extent and recently i also took the other side. The issue for me as someone with depression is i felt so unhappy that i didnt realise what impact it was having on someone else. to be honest i didnt think he cared enough about me for it to hurt that much. what you may have called honesty he may of thought of as attack. eventually people snap. he has supported you for a long time through an illness that is awful for all of the people involved. i know he may have been cruel but isnt he allowed to lose his rag as well? i dont think locking the door and crying for days is the answer. what sort of external support have you got - he cant be the primary carer that is to hard - have you been to doctor? you need support but actually so does he?

just read your next post. doctor is absolutely vital but so is learning not to beat yourself up. depression is at fault not you. you have a chemical imbalance in the brain making it difficult to think rationally and clearly. i will go and find some support lines for depression and check back in a bit but you have to be ready to fight. beating depression is a bit like war. you have to admit you need to fight and then go all out to get support. most of all you have to fight against the negativity and blackness sitting inside you at the moment. its just the result of some mixed up chemical in your brain - try and remember that when your thoughts start spinning. dont try and be perfect - noone can but you can beat this.

some of the other girls have strong experience as well - maybe they can check back on you and offer contact details for help.

It's not your fault at all Loaf, but tehre is a limit for all people- my Dh gets severe depression and I well remember being sat by the phone waiting to see if the police could find him after he telephoned (years ago now) to say he was going to kill himself then hung up.

Seeing someone you love going through the nightmare that is depression can be a nightmare in itself.

have you got a CPN? if not, see your Gp and ask for one and avail yourself of all you can get- your Dh ahs done a fine job, maybe now is the time to ease the pressure off a bit?

Thanks girls. Its good to hear other sides of the coin.

I am totally mixed up and I feel I go round in circles. I had counselling a few years back for self-diagnosed PND and I went to a private counsellor (recommended clinic) without a referral. I didn't really find it much help but that may have been because (a) they would have preferred if I was on ADs at the same time, (b) I think I had a touch of PND but I think, looking back, that was the tip of the iceberg, (c) I believed that a few sessions would fix the world and (d) I felt the counsellor had nothing to offer me "say to yourself its good enough", "walk outside and count to ten"

I can't bear sitting across a table from a GP who doesn't really have time/care and try to explain it all in order for a referral and I don't want any of these details to go on my file. I can't stand the thought of being judged when I go with a sore throat that some young medical student could know they are looking at a fruitbat (I'd but I'm too depressed).

I contacted the clinic again last week as I felt things have been building up. They said they would prefer a referral from my GP [snore]. I have requested that they accept me on the same basis as before and I wait to hear. It took me 4 years to build up to going the last time. And I don't have the mental strength to keep fighting for myself if a miracle doesn't come through this time. I need hard, fast results.

DP and me are solid. He says he won't give up if I won't [tears]

Thanks girls. Its good to hear other sides of the coin.

I am totally mixed up and I feel I go round in circles. I had counselling a few years back for self-diagnosed PND and I went to a private counsellor (recommended clinic) without a referral. I didn't really find it much help but that may have been because (a) they would have preferred if I was on ADs at the same time, (b) I think I had a touch of PND but I think, looking back, that was the tip of the iceberg, (c) I believed that a few sessions would fix the world and (d) I felt the counsellor had nothing to offer me "say to yourself its good enough", "walk outside and count to ten"

I can't bear sitting across a table from a GP who doesn't really have time/care and try to explain it all in order for a referral and I don't want any of these details to go on my file. I can't stand the thought of being judged when I go with a sore throat that some young medical student could know they are looking at a fruitbat (I'd but I'm too depressed).

I contacted the clinic again last week as I felt things have been building up. They said they would prefer a referral from my GP [snore]. I have requested that they accept me on the same basis as before and I wait to hear. It took me 4 years to build up to going the last time. And I don't have the mental strength to keep fighting for myself if a miracle doesn't come through this time. I need hard, fast results.

DP and me are solid. He says he won't give up if I won't [tears]

I'm sorry you are feeling so awful but I am also very sorry for your DP, who is not a medical nor mental health professional and is, by the sound of it, carrying the whole weight of caring for you on his own. You need professional support, and he needs, to be blunt, a little time off from you (not leaving you or moving out or anything, but just an evening or afternoon a week where he goes and does something enjoyable with other people). I have been the main support person for depressed people more than once (for some reason quite a lot of my friends seem to have problems in this area) and one of the things I found hardest to deal with in the case of one friend was that she either couldn't or wouldn't seek help for herself: in another case, where the depression was much more severe, I felt able to hang in there with her because she was having treatment and I could believe that it wouldn't go on like this forever.

deep breath loaf - you both have history and children and have been through loads.your dh blew his stack, said some right hard stuff. you will both get over this, wee bit time needed

contact CPN, GP, Can you access crisis team or out of hours service?

ask for case review, discuss your medications, what is goin on

*good luck

Hey.

Just wanted to let you know I too have been through something similar.

Had severe depression and didn't feel like I was getting enough support from doctors/friends etc. but then suddenly it was all taken that much more seriously and I had some excellent help from a 'home help' team who literally saved my life.

Remember you are ill and how you are now is not how you will be forever. Life will get better.

Know its hard for your other half, and cut him some slack if you can, but also know that you WILL get through this and it will be that much better in the future.

Keep going. :0)

Health professionals, in the main, know more than enough to know that depression does not = "fruitbat".

Your GP might not have enough time, they rarely have much, but he/she should have enough time to refer you on to services that can be of more benefit to you - and perhaps prescribe antidepressants if appropriate.

Don't give up on this route - for your dp's sake as well as your own. It's your GP's job to look after your overall wellbeing - he/she cannot do that if they don't know everything that is going on with your health. If your current GP is not helpful, find one who will be. They do exist.

i dont understand the record thing. depression is v. widespread - no one bats an eye lid - every other perosn seems to have it.

i dont understand why you put your family throgh this - i have had depression a couple of times. pills are not alway the answer - but there can be a chemicle imbalance which needs correcting - this is something rather diferent than pulling yourself together - its not touchy feely shit - its bone fide hard core medicle shit.

you get this life once

give yourself a chance my love, be happy go to the docs.

I would seriously suggest AD's. DH (like most men) was completely anti AD's- and we nearly lost him. This time round I managed to get him to go in to see GP,, they put him on different nes (Prozac) and although it meant two horrid weeks of side effects, it completely changed him! He's so much happier now- coping at work again, runs a little business alongside his main job, and dealing well with the kid related stress. not all GP's prescribe AD's as ewasily as you'd think (when ds1 was dx'd with his ASD I asked for some and was told no, they'd refer me for counselling but it was something I had to adjust to- they were right of course). But its ounds like you are a prime candidate and think about it- in 4-6 weeks you could be feeling well again. By Easter. Isn't that worth a shot?

custy LOL at the "bona fide hard core medical shite".

Agree strongly with custy and peachy and all the other previous posters about going to the GPs. It's fairer to your DP if you use all the usual avenues for getting help/support for your depression. Another good reason for anyone to go to GPs with depressive symptoms is in case there are any underlying medical problems - thyroid/anaemia, contributing to the symptoms.

Thanks for the ongoing support. I'm reading it all very carefully. I get so embarrassed. I find it just body-crumbling humiliating and embarrassing to sit in the doctors waiting room, feeling the build up of what I am about to say, knowing I will crumble into tears the moment they say "now, what seems to be the problem", not look up from those tears, want to cry myself inside out but to have to control them because I have a clock ticking and people on the other side of the door needing in. Stumbling through my mumbles and finding the courage to walk out of that room with a face like a squashed tomato.

But everything you each said about it being fairly normal and about my lovely family and about feeling better soon.....it all makes sense.

Do people actually feel better on ADs and do they actually come off them again? I have never heard good news about ADs.

Loaf sweetheart, when I went to the GP with depression the floodgates just opened and I cried and cried. The GP was fantastic.
She put me on prozac, they did not do much so after a month I went onto Venlafaxine. I had regular follow up appointments, whatever GP I say, they were always professional and understanding.
Please please, as custy said, take thee to the doctors. You only have one life, don't let it be overshadowed by drepression. I suffered for 4 years in a pit of despair. Nothing gave my pleasure, not even my dc. Looking back now I feel very angry that I let such a chunk of my life be consumed by depression.

saw, not say