DP has been supporting me through a little discussed depression for a few years. Tonight he said some unforgiveable stuff and stormed out. an hour ago, I don't know what to do. Do I lock the doors?

[loaf]

Thats about it. I feel its the end of a line. I want to cry for days. Feel numb.

I have only ever been totally honest with him and naturally thats meant I've said stuff he might find difficult to hear. But he's never been wholly outward with his own feelings.

Its just a mess from top to bottom. And I feel very, very alone.

We've known each other 22 years and been together 13 with 3 children.

I think you need to try ad's as well as counselling. You owe it to yourself and your family.

lol. Agree with Custy

Loaf - depression is notihing to feel stigmatised about! I admit i did feel the same reluctance you feel to actually admit to a problem and then to seek serious medical-shit help. When I finally blurted it out, my GP was lovely. She said if i had anaemia I would take iron, and since my sseerotonin levels had dropped (probably as a result of all the hormonal changes around pg etc) it would help to take ADs. I did. A small dose for 6 months. And then when I knew, in myself, I was better, I just stopped. Without problem. And meanwhile, I carried on with my fast moving professional job and never once wandered vacantly round a supermarket with stringy hair and zombie eyes. The effect was immediate - i felt like me again - not a critical moody bat whose every thought had to be rinsed down to rid it of negativity and venom before being unleashed on the public.
Depression is very self-fulfilling - you know you are being negatie and criticl and agressive and that it will damage you...and you don't care....and so it goes on.

Get counselling, do whatever helps you (excercise is my thing - and it does raise your endorphins etc)...and get ADs. You don't need to feel like this.

Why don't you try writing down how you feel and what you want to say to the doctor and take it with you? Also might be worth taking your dp too so the GP can see how it's affecting both of you. Please don't be embarrassed - GPs will have seen much, much worse

Hi loaf - in my experience, you have to take responsibility for getting the help you need yourself. The GP may or may not be personally useful or sympathetic, but they are a source of antidepressants - which i am sure have made it possible for me to have a normal life. I know a lot of people are suspicious of them, but i think that is because many people are offered them when they are not aactually depressed. If you cant function properly then you will derive a lot of benefit from taking ADs.

I suppose what im trying to say is that unfortunately sometimes you have to see people you know are not going to be helpful, but you do it because you know they are a means to an end - in your case a referal to the clinic you want to go to, and or antidepressants. Dont be scared of them - my god its so much better than the alternative. ((loaf)) go and get the help you deserve

I made an appointment with a counsellor. Monday 14 April. 10am. I can't quite get my head around the doctors yet, but I'm working on that. Thanks for the encouragement. I wouldn't have done it without all your words.

Please try the doctors. I have also been in your position and dh asked me "do you know how hard it is to live with someone who is unhappy all of this time, how it grinds you down and pervades over every aspect of your life" he also said that he had forgotten how to be happy.

I thought about this and could see exactly where he was coming from. I bit the bullet and went to see the GP about ads. He was great and as others have said treated it as any other type of illness. I now have enough pills to build myself a small house but dh and the dcs are happy and I no longer feel so crushingly unhappy. I know its not easy but it can make life a whole lot better.

I have been following this loaf, couldn't post at work as my boss was looking over my shoulder!

I am going to pass on advice from someone who has been in your position and come fighting out the other side.

PND is an ILLNESS.

I know you are worried about it but as with any other illness you MUST get yourself to a doctor and get some ADs. It absolutely vital for you, your marriage and your children.

You say your illness is self diagnosed. Well, get it diagnosed and then get some serious medical help.

Sorry, that should be 'as someone who has been in your position...'.

Sorry if this sounds harsh and bossy but have suffered myself I know that you must take responsibility for your illness, getting better etc because no one else can do it.

PLEASE do not get yourself into the mentality of thinking nothing can be done...not true. There isn't the stigma attached to mental illness now that there used to be either.

I second third and fourth custardos advice, but above all PLEASE get yourself to a doctor and get access the support you need.

loaf that is still another 2 months before you see the counsellor - use your loaf (sorry) and get to the docs pronto it will only do you and DP good - no harm can come of it - please

I think Daisymoo's idea is good. Or print out this thread and send it to the doctor and ask that they read it before your appointment as you find it hard to speak.

I do understand that - speaking it makes it real. But once you've started you'll be on the way to recovery.

Another thought. Could someone come with you and say the first few sentences for you? I know you are afraid of breaking down but believe me, they've seen it before. (In fact if we did a poll on this thread, I'd bet most of us have broken down at the doctor's. I know I have).

yes m&j is right, I have too, several times they were so understanding and when I apologised for it pointed out that is actually why they are there, so please don't be scared, let them help you get back on track