FWB pretending he had feelings too, I'm so hurt.

[Stupidandashamed]

I've just called it off with a man I've been sleeping with. I really liked him to begin with and he knew that. He knew I didn't just see him as no strings sex and that there were feelings there. He even told me he felt the same. It's not just sex, we've really connected and all of that shit.

He didn't get in touch with me for a couple of weeks I made a good start dent in getting over him. I didn't contact him at all but thought about him every day. When he did finally get in touch, just for sex in hindsight, I went back and deluded myself that I could do it on my terms and won't get hurt.

Some more bullshit from him about how we're so similar, so compatible and connected but he's not in the place for a relationship but I'm so wonderful etc.

I decided today that I'd had enough of being strung along and sent him a message saying I'm putting a stop to this for good as it's hurting me, cards on the table sort of thing, but i really enjoyed our time together and wish him well.

His response "that's ok I get it's a complicated situation and I agree that's for the best. Thanks too"

I'm crushed. A very deluded part of me was hoping he'd realise he didn't want me to walk away.

Any glimmer of hope that he cared about me evaporated when I got that reply.

I feel so hurt and humiliated. There's no way I'd have held on for months if he hadn't lied out of his backside pretending he had feelings for me too.

Wanker.

To add, I know I've been a mug for continuing to see him but wouldn't have if he'd been honest about it just being sex to him. I feel lied to 😞

@Stupidandashamed Im so sorry. He is an arse! I know it hurts, but you will get through this and come out the other side wiser, stronger and ultimately, happier.
He doesn’t deserve you

I’m sorry OP, he’s a dick.

Unfortunately this is something that happens. They want you to believe that they feel the same so they don’t lose whatever it is they’re getting from you. Sometimes if they sense you’re pulling away they reel you back in by making you think they really are interested and some random thing is getting in the way, when really they have no intention of give you what you want or need because it’s not what they want. You’re well rid. Don’t let him pull you back in.

Thank you both.

I'm really having to sit on my hands, so to speak, to stop myself from telling him that I think his behaviour is disgusting. I won't. There's no point. He knows and doesn't care.

I've come away from this with little to no dignity left at all 😞

Do you know what makes matters worse? He was punching above his weight to begin with 😂

The whole connection I felt we had was based on having so much in common, that was probably all lies too.

In years to come I just know I'm going to look back at this whole thing and cringe, but it really hurts tonight.

I don’t think you have lost any dignity
you had feelings - no shame in that is there ? Better to feel than be emotionally avoidant for life

you were honest

and you ended it

i totally get you feel like shit
but you shouldn’t have any shame x

It is hard when you care more for someone than they care for you, OP. We’ve all been there. But you say it was an FWB arrangement so he never committed to offering you more. Unfortunately, some men will say what they think you want to hear in order to get you into bed. He exploited your willingness to sleep with him based on your hope it might blossom into more. That was very selfish and rather cruel.

But you also need to look after yourself. Casual sex is fine but maybe next time you feel you could want more from a man, you could hold back from offering casual sex. Let him realise that sexual intimacy with you only comes with a relationship and with treating you well. Let him earn it. Keep casual sex for men you feel casual about.

Maybe FWB just isn't for you? It wouldn't be my thing and I think it's probably a really bad idea if you really like someone and could see yourself wanting more. Don't settle for FWB if what you really want is a relationship.

Sorry I should have said, there wasn't an actual discussion about what 'we' were so he never said FWB and that was just the easiest way to describe it as it was regular sex with no commitment from him.

It went like this: I told him I liked him and asked him out. We ended up sleeping together. I liked him a bit more. He claimed he liked me too and it wasn't just sex to him. The sex continued. When I wanted clarification then came the "we're so alike, so much in common, such a connection but ".. he doesn't want a relationship, his life is complicated etc.

He disappeared for a couple of weeks so I left him to it and tried to draw a line under it all but caved when he came back - going on about how he couldn't stay away from me etc.

At one point he said I'm way too nice a person to string along, then he continued to anyway.

I don't know why I thought there was any chance of him seeing the light and realising he didn't want to lose me when I said I'm ending it. How bloody blind have I been. Its crazy how you can be so naive isn't it.

Tbh this is why I wouldn’t do fwb you chose to so chose to take that risk

I can see what you're saying but there wasn't a FWB agreement per se in place. It was us sleeping together and him stringing me along saying he felt the same way that I did and how it wasn't one sided etc, only to then say he doesn't want a relationship / can't facilitate one, then more crap about how we're so connected and he'd miss me. It was really head fucking.

Actual FWB's know where they stand don't they? I've had one before and he never pretended to have any romantic feelings for me. He certainly didn't profess how we are like the same person, so connected etc. I think FWB's are fine when one party isn't a bullshitter 🙈

There are so many of this type about, or were when I was dating. I'm not sure if their feelings are just as changeable as their bed sheets and they actually believe it at the time, or whether they know they have to give a bit of sweet talk to get a woman into bed. Impossible to say but ffs, give me a 'no strings attached' straighttalker any day of the week. You've nothing to be ashamed of OP. You were open and direct about your feelings, shame on him for playing about with them

Did you actually days though or just sleep together? Did you go on dates, meet friends? Family?

Date*!

There were no actual dates after the first time I asked him out no it was just sex which should've spoke volumes but my intuition was clouded by this great connection we supposedly had and how he strung me along in between. I'm shocked at how naive I've been.

What do they say? Actions speak louder than words right. God knows how I allowed myself to believe there was anything of any substance in it. I considered myself a relatively intelligent person too. Gah.

It stings now, OP, but this is a very useful lesson. Since you hadn’t discussed that you were FWB, I think that changes things a bit but as you say - you never had dates, just sex and that was your clue. I think I’m future, if you really like a guy, hold off on the sex until it’s a bit clearer what’s going on between you.

It went like this: I told him I liked him and asked him out. We ended up sleeping together.

You handed yourself to him on a plate. Zero effort on his part. You may feel stupid and ashamed right now but you are also wiser and know your boundaries. Best wishes OP, a good man will be along soon.

It's hard op, I met a guy and it was just sex but he would say shit like I really miss you, and I like spending time with you just chilling.. last I heard from him was October, we had sex said he would be in touch the next day but wasn't. I sent him a long message saying it actually hurts when you say we will see each other then I get ignored. He didn't even reply. Actually he did message once in Nov asking you free? I said no I'm not feeling well. Now he would rather sit at home in his grubby flat with no sheets on his bed playing fortnight on tiktok lives so he can carry on. You will be OK op and find someone who treats you well, their are good ones.

I've just realised he's flipping blocked me!

I didn't reply to his response when I ended it so I don't know why he felt the need to do that. Seems a bit unnecessary if you ask me. Why would he?

Thecatsarecrazy that's really shit I'm so sorry. My one is a stoner. What do we see in those people I'll never know. You're definitely better off without Mr 'can't be arsed to put on a bed sheet'

That's so awful OP, I hope you will be ok. He sounds like a total loser. Do you feel like you need proper closure? You are well within your rights to get at least that, get the truth as to why he is being so cold. How long have you known him? Have you been speaking to anyone else whilst seeing him?

I'm definitely the type of person who feels that I need closure. I've never bombarded him with texts or anything like that so I don't know why he'd feel the need to block me. I feel even worse now, entirely disposable 😔

Sorry I forgot to add, I've known him since October and I haven't been speaking to anybody else other than him. I met him IRL not on OLD or anything like that.

Tbf if he’s blocked you that pretty much is closure

It doesn't feel that way to me. It feels immature and a bit spiteful, like he's trying to make a point of how irrelevant I am.

I could understand if I have form for pestering him but I've never done that.